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Starting Over In a Relationship - B...
Starting Over In a Relationship - Beginners Guide

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This was my 1st real girlfriend and we were together for 7 years. We did break up several times over the course of the relationship but we always got back together the next day. This time was different because this time she was seeing someone for the last 3 months.

 

I always suspected that she was seeing this new guy. Every time I confronted her about it, she would deny there's anything going on and that they are just friends. We have been together for so long, I have no reason not to believe her. Then 1 week before July 4th weekend, she secretly went on a trip with that guy and another friend. I found out from calling her 5 times that day and she didn't pick up her phone. She eventually texted me, stating that she was on her way out of the country for the weekend with her friends.

 

She called me the follow Monday 5 times and I was so pissed I didn't answer her call. She wrote me an e-mail stating how sorry she was. I fired back with mine response, calling her a lair and that this confirms my suspicion. All she can say was she was sorry.

 

I saw her again at this party she invited me to a week before I found out about this. I pretty much ignored her and gave her the cold shoulders when she approached me. For 2 hours when I was stuck on the boat, I felt really bad and weird to be there. She came up to me when I was just standing alone watching the scenery. She first told me that I shouldn't be upset because she's not worth it. I will find someone better. She then said that she will come by Saturday to come pick up her stuff and if that was cool? I told her fine.

 

After the party I left right away while she stayed behind with the rest of her friends. When I got home I felt really bad and wrote her an apology e-mail. I also asked if she could come over my house and we could talk. She didn't reply to my e-mail so I sent her a text asking her to read her mail and get back to me. She told me she is with her friends and can't come over. (I later found out at that time, she announced to her friends that she and this new guy are dating)

 

On July 4th, she didn't reply to my -mail so I wrote her another one asking for another chance. I suggested that we start off slow just communicate through e-mail. Again no reply.

 

The next day I get a phone call early in the morning which I thought was her. It was her mom asking me to help her find my EX cause she hasn't returned or called home last night. I got up made a few phone calls and found out she was last with that guy. I got his number and called him up and he sounded surprised. I told him that I didn't call to start * * * * with him and was calling on behalf of my Ex's family. I knew she was there but he said, "I'll go look for her." She called her family and then called me back. When I asked her where she was, she had a long pause and then said, "I'm at that guy's house". From that moment on I felt my life was over.

 

That following evening she finally replied to my e-mails. She admitted to seeing the new guy, first started as friends and then there was a connection. Now they are dating and I should move on and she loves me blah blah blah. I was very pissed and sent her a nasty e-mail.

 

That night I couldn't sleep and I kept getting flashbacks on memories of our time together. The next morning I couldn't eat, I couldn't do anything.

 

After a couple of days of packing her items and reading the save e-mails and chat logs we had in the past, I realized that I wasn't the best BF. I never abused her physically, but I did things that made her upset. I realized for her to stay with me for 7 years I was very grateful. I then proceeded to wrote her an e-mail to apologize and told her I understood her actions and asked for her forgiveness for breaking promises we can't keep (i.e. growing old together). Somewhere in the e-mail I wrote that I hope for the best in her new relationship, and also added that if it didn't work out, and she was willing to give me another chance I could show her that I'm a changed person.

 

On that same day I sent the e-mail I had my friend deliver her belongs to her. My friend told me that they met at a spot and the new BF came and placed all her stuff in his car. She never made contact with me after receiving her stuff.

 

I called her at work a couple days later with my caller id concealed. I had to conceal it because I thought she wasn't going to pick up the phone. We talked for a bit, I asked if she read my e-mail she said yes and that, "we're cool, don't worry about it". I asked her if I could see her and talk in person, she hesitated and asked if we could talk over the phone. She mentioned that she still had my house key and she was going to mail it to me. She said the new BF might not like it if she saw me so soon. She was going to ask the new bf first and get back to me.

 

Now I still feel really upset but I do feel a lot better than the day I found out she was at that guy's place. You may think that I'm an ahole but the fact of the matter is, I never realized what to do in a relationship. This was my first real relationship and now looking back, it seemed like she was the one doing all the work, emotionally. This break up has been hard on me but I learned a lot from it. I really want her back really bad but I feel that she is still pissed at me for not realizing this sooner. She has blocked me from all her msging programs and Facebook. I don't think I will hear from her anymore.

 

Any advice?

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Sorry, I know it hurts. The best thing is to back off for a while.

I would let the relationship with the new guy play out (it shouldn't take very long) and I think she will contact you after that.

Since your new to the No Contact thing you should read the post by Jellibelly about the mistakes she made when her breakup happened. One of them is that she wished she had stuck with NC sooner. Your still fresh out of the gate, so you got a good chance to get back together. But you can't come at her all needy and crazy. She needs to miss you and you need to be gone for how ever long that takes.

 

Even the first couple of times she calls you, you shouldn't talk to her. She needs to really miss you, not just miss you enough to text or pick up the phone.

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I honestly think that a person shouldn't be with someone who cheated on them. If it happened once, it could happen again. And for me, I won't take them back, not because it could happen again, because I don't think I could ever trust that person. You've been dating for 7 years. She didn't give a thought to the 7 years you have given her when she dated this guy while she's still with you.

 

My advice to you is to go on NC, and get yourself back together. It's good that she has blocked you and ignoring contact because it makes it easier for you to move on. In response to this, block her back. You don't need to see if she's online or not. I would also ignore all texts and such from her (trust me, they will pop up sooner or later) because mostly, the dumper just wants to be assured that "you're there" and would come running when she snaps her fingers. So go get a life, and eventually you will find someone better.

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I'm new to this break up and this site. So by me contacting her via e-mail and then phone did I make things worst? Was i wrong to even suggest for her to give me another chance if her new relationship doesn't work?

 

No, she probably understands where that came from, but you need to pull back and stop asking to talk. Right now she has nothing new to say, and she's not of the mind to consider anything new from you.

 

Let the new-guy thing fizz out in its own time. That doesn't mean she'll necessarily run right back to you, but it will allow the opening for her to miss you. If you continue to contact her, you'll kill that window. It needs to come from her.

 

Meanwhile, focus on doing everything you can to avoid falling into any 'object of pity' games--which most people don't realize they're playing and would never admit to. It's a state which somehow convinces you that the more dramatically miserable you can become, the more your worried friends will try to appeal to the ex for her return to save the day--or some variation of that.

 

That's not to say that private times of deep grieving aren't natural and even healthy. You're entitled to your grief, and the only way around it is through it. Just don't make the mistake of bringing it to the ex. She will not be receptive, no matter how nice she may be. Guilty people view demo's of any pain they've caused as manipulation, and it only provokes resentment no matter how graciously they cover that. Calling, texting, begging, pleading, stalking for 'a talk' are the biggest mistakes most brokenhearted people make. I think you know this and won't go there.

 

Write as often as will help, and we're here for you.

 

In your corner.

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Meanwhile, focus on doing everything you can to avoid falling into any 'object of pity' games--which most people don't realize they're playing and would never admit to. It's a state which somehow convinces you that the more dramatically miserable you can become, the more your worried friends will try to appeal to the ex for her return to save the day--or some variation of that.

 

QUOTE]

 

Sorry to go off topic but:

 

OMG I DID THAT!!!!! Not recently, and not intentionally. But a really long time ago when me and my ex broke up. I was SO depressed that my older brother (he's such a sweetie) went over to my ex's house to talk to him. My ex thought my brother was there to fight him for breaking up with me and he said he was terrified. My brother never told me and i didn't find out till way later. Ohh and my ex was not happy about it

 

I know it's not good, but glad to hear I'm not the only one.

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[...]Sorry to go off topic but:

 

OMG I DID THAT!!!!! Not recently, and not intentionally. But a really long time ago when me and my ex broke up. I was SO depressed that my older brother (he's such a sweetie) went over to my ex's house to talk to him. My ex thought my brother was there to fight him for breaking up with me and he said he was terrified. My brother never told me and i didn't find out till way later. Ohh and my ex was not happy about it

 

I know it's not good, but glad to hear I'm not the only one.

 

That's not off topic, it's a good example of something very common. Problem is, it kills all chances of reconciliation. NObody suddenly becomes 'attracted' to someone they've devastated. But they sure do become curious when an ex seems to be handling him/herself admirably--in fact, the better off they learn that you're doing, the more intrigued they become.

 

Point is, misery loves company, but never the other way around.

 

My best,

Cat

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I didn't tell you guys this but after our phone conversation I wrote her an e-mail telling her something I encontered at work that I thought was intresting. Over the weekendshe never replied and I was going to start NC.

Monday, yesterday, I told a female co workers of mines what happened. Her advice and words were very comforting and I felt a lot better.

 

Today when I woke up and turned on my computer, I see that my ex had replied to my e-mail. She pretty much asked how I was doing, what I did over the weekend and told me what she did with new bf over the weekend. When I saw that e- mail I was feeling down again.

 

I told you guys that I still want her back but I feel that it's not going to happen as she has moved on. Should I even reply after I initiated the 1st?

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Dont reply, as you said you felt down after reading her email. why put yourself through more pain. If you hit yourself with a hammer would you do it again? No because of the physical pain. in your case it is mental pain.

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Poker

 

I know it is hard, but there is not much else you can do at this point, but I really wouldn't contact her anymore.

 

If she contacts you then you can cross that bridge when you come to it. Just don't hang on hope that she will.

 

Sound reasonable?

 

Mark

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