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I need help not being so obsessed whenever I start a relationship...


abriellek

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Whenever I start a relationship, friendship or romantic, I become obsessed with the person almost instantaneously. I think about them all the time. (I have anxiety but I take meds for it and it's really not bad unless I'm in a relationship, so really I need coping not meds at this point.) Recently this has been the case with my new boyfriend, who I've been dating about two months. First of all we went on about 4 or 5 dates before we started becoming really really close. None of my relationships seem to work like the ones in magazines where you go on one fancy date a week for 3 years - I immediately want to be with the person ALL THE TIME. I've talked to him and asked if he thought we were spending too much time together and he said no, but I'm also worried just for myself. We hang out pretty much every night when I'm done with work for about 6 hours or so. I have a bunch of friends who I previously hung out with, pretty much someone every night - I'm a very social being. But I don't even want to hang out with them ever, they seem to just annoy me and if I'm with them I wonder what my bf is doing. He has a lot of friends too and whenever he's doing something with them I wonder why he doesn't want to be doing something with me and I worry about it. Or I wonder why he didn't bring me along with his friends, and I'm really jealous of them. I don't tell him but I usually get kind of peeved even when he just talks about them. I usually make an attempt for there to be one or two nights a week that we don't see each other, but usually I don't make it very long before I'm asking him to come over. And if I do manage to stay away, I just wonder about what he's doing the whole time and wish I were with him and text him pretty frequently. I have a job, go to school, and like I said have friends so it's not a lack of a life or too much time on my hands. I just don't know what to do to make these feelings go away - and I want to have a long lasting, healthy relationship. But I don't know how long something can last where you see the person every single night. Help?

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I can kind of sympathise with you as I was a bit like that in my younger years, but as I got older I became more secure and confident in myself and was able to let go. (Don't mean that to be patronising, I have no idea how old you are but am wondering whether it's a self confidence issue)

 

You obviously know it's unhealthy and if you're on anxiety medication it's probably connected to how you feel in yourself - it sounds like that might be the issue you need to tackle!

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lol yeah, you and just about every other girl I know. You're not alone. In fact, I used to be EXACTLY like this. Come to find out, it was my own insecurities. Yes, I know those may seem like very different issues, but they're not. For me, I would cling onto every guy I dated and I would become completely twitterapted after just a date or two. I would sort of morph into a different person, depending on the guy I was dating. I would take up his hobbies, become interested in his interests, dress more casual or more dressy on a day-to-day basis (based on his personal style), abandoning my friends to become close friends with his friends, and sooo much more. It was because I hadn't a damn clue in hell who I was as an individual.

 

After a breakup that was so hard I decided that something had to change, I became single and I made myself stay single. I did lots of soul searching. I found out all about who Southern really is. I "came into my own," if you will.

 

After that, I was totally secure with myself. I have been on several dates with several different guys since then, and I haven't taken any of them up on a second or third date, because I know they're not right for me. I have finally broken free of the horrible curse of clinging to boyfriends and letting my world revolve around them.

 

I just ask that you take a look at all your previous relationships and see if you identify with any of these things I previously stated. I think you might learn a lot.

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Wow... If your picture wasn't there I would think I had posted that - the symptoms are all too familiar. I'm even doing those exact same things in this relationship. I guess I've never really thought I didn't know who I was because I'm a fairly strong, outgoing person. I think it's more just not knowing what I want from a relationship maybe. I just hope I can tell the difference between when I'm clinging just to cling or actually forming a meaningful relationship. But... wow.

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Wow... If your picture wasn't there I would think I had posted that - the symptoms are all too familiar. I'm even doing those exact same things in this relationship. I guess I've never really thought I didn't know who I was because I'm a fairly strong, outgoing person. I think it's more just not knowing what I want from a relationship maybe. I just hope I can tell the difference between when I'm clinging just to cling or actually forming a meaningful relationship. But... wow.

 

Haha yes, I know how you are. I read the original post, and I was like "yup, this girl is me up until 9 months ago!!"

 

I seriously suggest taking some time off from dating. It's gonna suck at first because you're used to having a man. Until 9 months ago, I hadn't gone longer than 2 months without a boyfriend since I was 14. And that's sad. Everyone needs time alone to come into their own.

 

Like I said, it's gonna suck at first, but he end result FARRRRR outweighs the frustration of having no boyfriend. It took me at least 5 months to really be happy with myself as a single gal. I'm now my own person, my own sense of style, my own interests, my own friends, my own life. If a guy doesn't fit well into my life, goodbye to him and I wait for the next one.

 

It's time to do some soul searching. Spend lots of time talking and visiting with your family. This is what helped me the most. Also, get in touch with your true friends that have always been there for you. Bust your gut in school to make good grades, work hard at your job, do everything in your life for YOU. The rest will fall into place

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LOL some of it is natural too, although I've never stopped doing anything in my own life because of a guy. I keep my friends, I still see them, I work, I go out, etc. I just think about the guy during downtime. Only once has it ever reached a point of becoming overpowering, and that was a very unique and strange situation.

 

I think if you lose track of who you are when the relationship takes off then it's a problem.

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You're very self-aware, which is a gift, actually. You've just banged out all the things you know you're doing to work against yourself. So, which of those things are you willing to change even though you don't feel like it?

 

In your corner.

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Do You Need Reassurance? Stop It Li...
Do You Need Reassurance? Stop It Like This

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