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double standard and unwarranted hurt feelings. what oh what do i do?


anbreeuh
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So, as some of you may probably know from previous posts, my relationship is rocky at best. It's on-again-off-again, without the break-ups, if you catch my drift. Well, here's where this problem began: I took two weeks vacation and went to my father's house in Dallas. While I was there, the level of attraction my boyfriend said he felt for me was "astronomical," he'd "never felt closer or more in love with me." We talked for hours nightly on the phone, things had seemed to be going so well, and I even spent the week (up until Wednesday of this past week) with him after I got back. Things had been perfect for that past week; no fights, not even petty arguments, and that's just how things were, perfect. Until I come to find that tonight, as I haven't gone out with friends ONCE in the 8 months we've been together, he LIED to me about his plans for the night (red flag one), and then when I texted him a few hours later, I was greeted with a " * * * * off, what do you want?" LIKE I DID SOMETHING WRONG. I left him alone until he texted me, and I told him about my hurt feelings- nothing dramatic, just simply stated that he had, in fact, hurt my feelings in the way he had acted. He simply ignored this and in turn, ignored me.

 

On another note, he shows absolutely no regard for my feelings. I'm always made to be in the wrong. And I don't know what to do. It's great when it's good, and to him, everything is "whatever." But I can't take the constant (seeming) neglect. I give every aspect of myself to him, fully: I'm 100% faithful, I do things I don't have to, but look at as nice gestures (dishes, cleaning, cooking, laundry), always apologize even when I'm not in the wrong...

What do I do before I lose all my self-respect and strength to stick up for myself?

 

Edit: I forgot to add the main reason I posted this, duh, Andrea. Oh, I also found out he asked a girl he had sex with before our relationship out to dinner while I was away, and lied about it, Oh, and lied about who someone was and how he knew them. The answer seems so obvious, but I don't want to be without him.

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Well, at least you're not in denial.

 

And to be honest, there are so many better guys out there than him. You obviously seem to be a good person, so you don't need him making you feel worse and not even acknowledging it. There are plenty of guys out there, you just have to give them a chance.

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It sounds like you are being a doormat and he is taking full advantage of it. He lies and treats you like crap because you let him get away with it. Don't stand for this, there is much better out there. I personally don't think this is worth being salvaged. He will only shape up if you leave.

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I am one of those people who would rather take the heat calmly than have confrontation in a negative manner. I'm just so down. It's beginning to affect (effect? it's 2:11 AM, i don't really care) every aspect of my day to day life.

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You say you haven't been out with your friends once this whole time? That might be a bit smothering to BF. Might be a good idea to stretch yourself socially and tend to your friendships--this relationship might be suffering a bit of micro-management.

 

When we over-water plants, it's called killing them with kindness. When we over-focus on a relationship, it's called the same thing.

 

In your corner.

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I am one of those people who would rather take the heat calmly than have confrontation in a negative manner. I'm just so down. It's beginning to affect (effect? it's 2:11 AM, i don't really care) every aspect of my day to day life.

 

There is no reason to have a confrontation. I'm not going to sugar coat this. He feels it is acceptable to treat you this way; you prove this to him by going back to him. However, it is unacceptable. You cannot change him. But you can and should simply break up with him. No more on and off. Simply off.

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Quite right. I have been in a somewhat similar situation. If you stay you'll just get to the point where you simply do not care at all and then, you will have waste precious time. I know it's so hard and you clearly are a lovely, sweet and kind person...the only way to really find out is to leave. Be calm, tell him you both obviously want different things, and say goodbye. And then you will know what he's made of. Stay focused! Best of everything to you.

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Well of course it will affect your esteem to stay with someone who isn't 100% committed, who is lying/misrepresenting, and you're appologizing for things you didn't do wrong. That would affect anyone. The problem doesn't seem to be so much as with him as it with your knowing all of this and yet "not wanting to be without him".

This is the beginning of how it will affect your esteem. If you can't speak up for yourself, this will not only happen with him but in your next relationship as well. You can't let people treat you like this and go back for more.

You cannot and will not change him. The only person you can change is yourself. Start now by letting him go.

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I take back my post above because I obviously missed a lot. I was so focused on the idea that you haven't gone out with your own friends since you've been with this guy--I don't know how I missed how he speaks to you and lies to you.

 

By ditching all your friends you've isolated yourself, so now you believe you can't be without this guy. Huge mistake.

 

Nobody 'likes' to break up. Sometimes you just need to suffer one sharp pain of a clean break to spare yourself a future of misery. You never get any wasted time back--and this IS wasted time.

 

My heart goes out to you.

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I give every aspect of myself to him, fully: I'm 100% faithful, I do things I don't have to, but look at as nice gestures (dishes, cleaning, cooking, laundry), always apologize even when I'm not in the wrong...

What do I do before I lose all my self-respect and strength to stick up for myself?

 

 

I have personally observed something really strange.. If you don't have a jerk's acceptance but you want it ... the more you do for them/give them the less likely it is that you will get that acceptance.

 

I don't know if that holds true for the non-jerks. I doubt it does. But I've certainly observed it time and time again for the jerks.

 

However, I think you would be so much happier to just let this one go. Take some time to recover some of that self-esteem he keeps trying to own.. and move on to someone who is consistently nice to you and consistently respectful.

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