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How to fight loneliness?


cbh1979

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How does one stop from feeling alone? I attended a company picnic today...I work for a tiny software company with a grand total of 8 employees. Each one of my coworkers is married and has children...I'm single and have no children. I had an OK time I guess, but I couldn't help but feel sad and lonely as they all enjoyed the time with their spouses and kids. The whole time I was there I wished I had someone there with me, even just a friend...but I had no one that I could ask to go with me.

 

Lately I've had a rough time not feeling just utterly alone. I walk through stores and see other people answer their cell phones...mine never rings. I know this sounds pathetic, because it is...but how do I stop feeling this way?

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You lack confidence in your own mind. To reach an emotional level that projects being comfortable alone you need to be confident in the man you represent. I suggest doing some introspective analysis of your insecurities and finding a way to trust your ability to walk into any situation without the fear, but confidently showing those folks the true man within. Imagine, how many single females those wives know and how they will introduce you to them once they see a confident man.

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Hey CBH,

 

What you're feeling is totally valid, in my opinion. I am in the same situation and it really does s*ck. To me, I also feel more frustrated when my well-meaning friends attempt to "cheer me up" by giving cliched advice like: "Oh, you'll find someone" or "Work on your self/confidence", etc. This is why I try to avoid these situations and meet friends only when they aren't with their SOs or there are other singles in the group.

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I know what you mean. It physically hurts when I see couples being all PDA in public. I always wish I was in that guy's place.

 

I think the confidence and 'oh you'll find someone' thing is a cop out. Yeah sure, some women like lots of confidence, but it turns some women off. I think the best piece of advice I've ever gotten wasn't 'be yourself', but 'be the best self you can be.' Always work on improving yourself.

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Thanks, shellov. I don't mind the cliche`s so much, because they are for the most part true. But I don't know how to get to the point where I don't worry about it. Like I said, I know I have a lot to offer...but its hard not to feel down when there are few to share that with. And its not because I push people away...I just don't get the opportunity to meet others.

 

And sw, I know what you mean. Confidence can definitely turn some off...a lot of women like to see a vulnerable side. Its a balance, and one that I've not yet learned.

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It's definitely more difficult to meet people and form friendships as an adult. But it can be done!

 

What are your interests? There are a lot of clubs, groups, and classes that form around specific interests, and getting involved with one could be a great way to get to know like-minded people.

 

If you're in a metropolitan area, I'd suggest checking link removed for groups in your area. It's not a dating site, it's a site that helps encourage face-to-face meetups by people with common interests, whatever those interests might be: card games, film, knitting, pug dogs, running, photography, fiction writing, etc. I've joined a writing group through Meetup and met a great group of friends that way.

 

Community education classes are another great way to meet some people you have things in common with. Or you could try to get something started yourself by putting an ad in your community newspaper or posting notices on the library bulletin board, etc.

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I guess the OP's question was more about a pity party then an answer to the loneliness issue. I will say that a negative attitude will always drive away healthy people; specially, healthy women. Confidence has more to do with an intensive psychological examination of your insecurities through therapy then some superficial "pick up artist" book or quick answer. This is why you men suffer this pitiful self fulfilling prophecy of negativity.

 

This is why you lash out at those that have been there and done that which is required to leave the negative attitude and insecurities you all inhabit. Take heed that I was once like you all. I know what it was like to live in a lonely world, but it took at least four years of intensive introspective, therapeutic and cognitive understanding to change my negatively passive aggressive ways.

 

So, if you men want advice from someone that's been in your shoe then feel free to ask away how to change and build confidence; conversely, I will not waist my time trying to help those that think they have all the solutions.

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I agree that a negative attitude drives people away...no one wants to be around someone who always seems to have that dark cloud over them. But, that isn't what I'm talking about. I'm not driving people away, because there simply aren't many to do that to. I don't talk about this with the few I do consider friends, either.

 

And my post wasn't about a pity party. Since you say you felt the same way at one time or another than you should know that isn't what its about. All I was interested in was advice on fighting those pangs of loneliness, how not to let it it get to me.

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Honestly, I don't think you should find a way to quiet the pangs of loneliness. I think you should feel that pain, and use it as a motivator to get out and meet some people. Sunflour had some good suggestions for that.

 

I think it's best to get to the root of problems, and you have said a few times now that you're just not meeting people. That's where the loneliness stems from. But that is within your control to change, so I say get started as soon as possible.

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Honestly, I don't think you should find a way to quiet the pangs of loneliness. I think you should feel that pain, and use it as a motivator to get out and meet some people. Sunflour had some good suggestions for that.

 

I think it's best to get to the root of problems, and you have said a few times now that you're just not meeting people. That's where the loneliness stems from. But that is within your control to change, so I say get started as soon as possible.

 

this is great advice

 

I would also like to mention, humans are pack-animals and need companionship

When monkeys are left alone too long, they get ill and in some cases die

 

It's a good idea to get out there and be with people. Spouse or not, just be with people

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I agree...people definitely need companionship, and I'd like to be out there amongst others. But, there aren't a whole lot of options which is why its been difficult. I live in a rural area that just doesn't have a lot going on. The friends I do have are married and/or have children, so they don't really have a whole lot of time to hang out or do things. I don't drink, either, and have never been comfortable in bars or anything of the sort (not that there are many around here anyway). I do like the idea of finding if certain groups meet locally...perhaps I could join one of them where I have a common interest. I've also started going to church again; I've not attended this one before until a couple weekends ago so I am still very new and unknown to everyone, but hopefully that will change. One of the reasons I started going again was to meet others and possibly gain some friends, so its not like I'm not trying.

 

Anyway, thanks for the replies. Any other suggestions for meeting people would be much appreciated!

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Glad someone posted a topic on this...

 

I think just in the past 10 years we have really begun to understand how deeply social creatures humans are... And how we really need constant connection with other human being to be mentally and physically healthy.

 

The loneliness you feel is the deep primal part of you saying "we must be in danger..."

 

When our ancestors were running around the plains of Africa in groups of 150-200, if you found yourself alone, it DID mean you were in danger...

 

On top of that in the modern world we often find ourselves surrounded by people but with no meaningful connections with them... And this adds a level of anxiety and confusion...

 

And of course when you get out of a relationship that mean you're also now trying to deal with less overall intimacy in your life, even if you are surrounded by friends and family...

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OP,

I am often in the same boat. I find it comes in stages....weeks when the phone doesn't ring, all my friends are busy doing things with their S/O's. But then I look at all the posts here about relationship issues, and wonder if I'm better off without the drama.

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