sasha1982 Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 I'm in a very new relationship.. Just over 2 months. He is a great guy, very thoughtful, romantic... We spend quite a bit of time together, about 4-5 days a week.. I sleep over on weekends.. Things seem to be going quite well.. Originally when we started dating he didn't mention anything in regards to being exclusive or what he was looking for, so I just went with the flow and assumed we were just "seeing" each other.. A couple weeks ago he dropped the I Love You bomb on me one night I slept over and we were kissing in bed.. It was an awesome moment, but at the time we hadn't even talked about being exclusive so I was a bit overwhelmed. A few days later I brought it up and he had just "assumed" we were so he never formally asked. We are now an item and he got me a key for his house so I can come over whenever I want he says... He also says things like "Can I keep you" and "I love the way you make me feel".. "This is what it feels like when you meet the right person".. etc.. He is a total relationship type of guy, always been in long-terms.. He is turning 34 this year.. I am also a relationship type and been in mostly long-terms as well.. We both were previously engaged once, both having similar situations our exes were very abusive and not mentally stable.. The issue for me is sometimes we have chats about life and he mentions comments like "People think they are just supposed to get married, have kids and a dog".. then goes on to say he doesn't think that's true and you don't have to do that in life.. Even if we are out in public and he hears a baby crying he totally cringes and goes OHH GOD.. I'm sure there are more references, but I can't think of them at the moment.. But my confusion is how/why is a man so serious with a woman enough to give her a key to her place, have continual long-term relationships, is so romantic and the type that falls in love.. Yet it appears he totally doesn't want marriage or kids.. That is just the impression I am getting and I don't want to ask him straight out as I feel it will look crazy like I am looking for a husband or something.. I am only 27 and while I do want to get married and have kids one day, I am in no hurry and want to find the love of my life first. I don't want to get involved in a dead-end relationship and get too serious with this guy if we have two totally different views on life/marriage/kids.. How can you tell the men that don't ever want to get married or have kids? Link to comment
civilservant Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 He could just not want kids, and be happy to be co-habitating. There dosen't have to be an issue there. The fact that you do want these things is a massive red flag, and the only way out in my opinion is to ask him. Link to comment
arcadefire Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 Sounds like he's not into the thought of marrying and having kids. He's more into the live-in girlfriend. If that's not what you want, you should talk it over with him sooner than later. Link to comment
sasha1982 Posted July 11, 2009 Author Share Posted July 11, 2009 Huh? It's a red flag that I want kids? I never said with him, one day I want to have a child with whomever I marry. Link to comment
civilservant Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 No no, I meant it was a red flag that the 2 of you appear to have conflicting thoughts for the future. Link to comment
onewithbooks Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 Could you see yourself marrying him? Link to comment
GetMeBack Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 Well he is definitely telling you that he is not interested in the marriage and kids thing, but that doesnt mean he would never want them. My partner was like that when we first met but he has changed now, and he is 36, believe me once they start to realise they are not getting any younger, like all of us they begin to realise the importance of keeping someone they love even if that means get married, he is probably scared too as you said he was engaged before and had an unstable partner e.t.c Link to comment
sasha1982 Posted July 11, 2009 Author Share Posted July 11, 2009 No no, I meant it was a red flag that the 2 of you appear to have conflicting thoughts for the future. Oh for sure, I agree.. That's why it's bothering me.. Normally I date and don't think in the future, but he's made a few comments that I couldn't exactly ignore. It's one thing to date and learn about each other with a same goal/vision in mind.. And it's another to date and know it will never go where you want one day. If I knew 100% he didn't want marriage/kids, I would still date him but I wouldn't get serious and stay over or spend too much time there. He has been engaged once before though... That was with the crazy ex, they dated for 2 years and she lived with him for a bit.. It didn't work out, I think she attacked him or something.. They are both cops. Otherwise he dated a couple other women long term, 1 year, another 2 year, etc. But none of them lived with him. So could be, he tried the getting serious thing and it never worked out for him so he might realize that isn't what he wants.. I'm not sure though, I am just speculating based on his comments and his past. Link to comment
sasha1982 Posted July 11, 2009 Author Share Posted July 11, 2009 Could you see yourself marrying him? The way we are together/how we feel/emotionally wise yes.. I feel something I haven't felt probably ever.... But logically, I am not sure.. I don't know enough info yet.... I don't know what he's like in a bad mood, or how he handles anger.. He is also very very into health/bodybuilding/working out to an almost obsessive point.. Not sure I could ever deal with that forever. Link to comment
sasha1982 Posted July 11, 2009 Author Share Posted July 11, 2009 Well he is definitely telling you that he is not interested in the marriage and kids thing, but that doesnt mean he would never want them. My partner was like that when we first met but he has changed now, and he is 36, believe me once they start to realise they are not getting any younger, like all of us they begin to realise the importance of keeping someone they love even if that means get married, he is probably scared too as you said he was engaged before and had an unstable partner e.t.c That's a good point, I made a comment similar to that to him after he said that.. I said, well no one really wants to settle down and get married but once all your friends do, and you call them up to go do things and no one can/wants to, you get to the point where it's like "what else is there to do"... It's sad, but that's getting older. I just think it's a beautiful thing to have a life parter and raise kids together, travel with them, etc. But I think it's important to live life first and do everything you want before making those commitments. Link to comment
onewithbooks Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 Sounds like it is time for a chat with him, let him know that you love him and that you feel like you could see yourselves together for awhile, and while you are not looking into the immediate future, you are curious to know what his long term goals are. Express to him what you have to us. Link to comment
sasha1982 Posted July 11, 2009 Author Share Posted July 11, 2009 I haven't even said "I Love you" back yet... He said it to me twice, and noticed that I didn't say it back.. He told me today he cared about me alot, and was leaving it at that because he didn't want to freak me out.... I just don't feel ready to express crazy emotions yet. He knows I care about him, he tells me he can tell by the way I am with him.. But I am just being really cautious... My ex fiance was abusive, when I left him it was very traumatizing emotionally.. I am not ready to give someone my heart completely.. He knows about my ex, and that it was only 6 months ago I left him.. But I am going to have to ask him these things at some point... I am content at just getting to know him more and spending time together for now.. But I wanted to get it off my chest here, because I don't feel ready to talk to him about it yet.. I appreciate the advice from everyone.. It's a tough part of the beginning of relationships, but I guess that's what it's all about, getting to know if you're compatible or not. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 You have only been together for 2 months...I am concerned he is one of those types who are all over the woman in the first few months and then backs off and can't commit once he has the woman hooked. He is moving very very fast...declarations of love, giving you the key etc. I wonder how much truth there is to his version of what happened with his ex whom he was engaged to. I would proceed with caution with this guy..he is moving too fast, too soon in the relationship. His comments about marriage and children are very telling about his mindset. Pay attention to the hints he is giving about where he stands in that regard. As for your comment no one really wants to settle down and get married but once all your friends do, and you call them up to go do things and no one can/wants to, you get to the point where it's like "what else is there to do"... It's sad, but that's getting older. I hope that is not the reason why you would ever get married. Getting married simply to follow the crowd is not a good reason to get married, and not everyone follows that crowd in this regard. Link to comment
sasha1982 Posted July 11, 2009 Author Share Posted July 11, 2009 That's a really really good point... Guess that is why I felt a bit uneasy about his comments, because I don't know if they are matching his actions. But don't they usually say if you must, always look at a guy's actions rather than his words. His actions indicate he is very serious/committed type of guy... I did think it was a bit early for him to say I Love You though... I didn't take it too seriously, as we were drinking and in the middle of having sex.. but then he said he meant everything he said the next day, and dropped the L bomb again a week later. I think he's just a very romantic type of guy.. He is a Scorpio.. if any of you believe in Astrology, they do say Scorpio men are very very emotional and intense people... However, they can be very possessive and jealous as well.. I never took the key to his place... He said for awhile he was going to get me one, but I didn't ask him about it. Then a couple days ago he said he got one cut and has it for me.. But I left his place today without taking it or mentioning it... I am hesitant of guys moving very quickly myself... My ex-fiance, the abusive one had me moved in within 2-3 months and proposed at 5 months. He wanted to get married and have kids though. He was open about that. I am just going to watch this guy for awhile... I think i'm being really smart, I'm keeping my emotions in check and not falling head over heels before I know what I am getting involved with.. That is a big change for me, I'm not thinking with my emotions all the time, I'm realistic. I think this guy might just be in "lust" with me.. Oh and regarding marriage, no no.. My dream is to be happily married and grow old with the same person.. Children make me melt, I really want my own one day. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 You have some pretty good perspective on the situation. It's early. You don't know each other yet. I'm not even sure if he isn't an incredibly unhealthy person to be in relationship with (abusive or moves quickly in relationships only to bail when commitment time comes or whatever). Do not putting off expressing to him your ideas for the future - your desire for marriage and kids; you'll just be wasting time if you do. Link to comment
atelis Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 You have only been together for 2 months...I am concerned he is one of those types who are all over the woman in the first few months and then backs off and can't commit once he has the woman hooked. He is moving very very fast...declarations of love, giving you the key etc. I wonder how much truth there is to his version of what happened with his ex whom he was engaged to. I would proceed with caution with this guy..he is moving too fast, too soon in the relationship. His comments about marriage and children are very telling about his mindset. Pay attention to the hints he is giving about where he stands in that regard. . agreed. 2 months in and he's already saying he loves you? It's BS when people say 'sometimes you just know'. What can he know?.......you don't even know each other yet. I know a woman who has said it the last 4 relationships she has had and she is a love addict. You also need to look at your own patterns and the type of men you become atracted to. This will give you more insight into the tye of person he might be. We are usually attracted to people who will bring out our fears and insecurities, so when you told me that your previous ex was abusive it rang alarm bells. Go very slowly. Link to comment
sasha1982 Posted July 13, 2009 Author Share Posted July 13, 2009 Those are good perspectives.. and I totally agree... After my ex, I am really paranoid about being with another abusive or controlling guy... That was my first experience, and first bad breakup in my life and I never want to go through that again.... I know from my experience it could have ALL be avoided if I didn't move so quickly with him... Once I was living with him and then after 2 years together it was hard to leave! I tried about 6 times before it got to physical abuse and that's when I left for good. All the signs were there beforehand, so I know as long as I don't get too serious until I have been with someone for a year or more, it will be fine. I have a ton of articles on abusive men/domestic violence and quizzes and what not, and I must say my boyfriend has NONE of the qualities except for the declaring "love" so early.... However, he did make a few comments that he knows he doesn't know me that well, he just feels so strongly about me and alternates between saying he's falling in love with me, or that he loves me. And the giving me a key thing was just because he said he would love for me to be able to come hang out whenever I want, to be able to come have a bath in his jacuzzi tub, or whatever I want.. He says he just wants me around. He hasn't said move in or anything like that. I also know from his past (his best friend dated my best friend over a year ago) that he hasn't had any other girlfriends living with him, or given a key to anyone except for that one ex that he was engaged to... So I do know abusive guys are often repetitive and do the same things over and over.. Like my ex, who has had 3 different women living in his house in the past 3 years.. And he to a T, the typical abuse male profile.. But I agree, I need to move slowly and really get to know the person before investing too much... That I learnt a very hard lesson last time! Link to comment
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