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He Doesn't Miss Me...?


Allyo

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So I have been seeing this guy since March. Things have been going pretty well, and I have been feeling like we have been getting pretty close and committed to each other. Yet I went home (which for me is a different country) for one month to visit with my family, even though I am already returning in a couple days.

 

I have put in a lot of effort to keep in contact with him. We have called each other and talked over messenger almost every day. But for the most part our talks have been fairly short, and he seems to express disappointment that I 'abandoned' him to begin with or that I left for such a 'long' period of time (1 month).

 

Number 1) I feel disappointed that although we seem to talk every day, our conversations tend to be short and he is either busy with work or so tired from work that he wants to sleep. He will call me every night before bed... for like 2 minutes. I might try to prod him and say, ohhh call me a little early tomorrow I'm going out later on... but ugh, it just seems he calls me like a duty without having the time to really talk!

 

Number 2) The other day on the phone I said that I missed him, and he didn't say anything... I ask him, well do you miss me too? And he straight out says no. I think he thought this was somewhat funny or some sort of joke... but after he saw I was a bit hurt he said, 'Okay I miss you a little bit.'

 

I am a bit worried, because I am leaning towards breaking it off when I get back. I don't know if that is a bit drastic.... but the fact is that my family is from a different country, and I will be back and forth visiting them. I feel so disconnected from him here, and honestly I question if he cares that much about me if he can't bother to talk to me or put in more of an effort if I am in another country...? Am I being too extreme? And this is coming also as a bit of a let down... since he told me that he loved for the first time the night before I left for home for 1 month! I thought things would be different... So I am just completely confused.

 

Thanks beforehand for the input! Nice comments please... thanks

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Don't break it off...it sounds too drastic to break off at this stage...but i think when you get back from overseas...just try be good friends ...because you need to know his intentions before you make proper judgement.

 

He might have been really busy lately and if he is really busy with work...he might not have had any spare time to miss you ....Try to give him some space...a low contact sort of thing and observe how he responds. If you are talking to him everyday..he is not going to miss you...you have to leave him alone for a while ..to let him realize your absence.

 

I don't want to give you the wrong impression but sometimes reverse pshycology really works well. You have mentioned in your post that he does calls you but if feels like as if he is doing it out of duty. So i guess, if you give him some personal time he might get back to you with high intensity .....

 

If you love him and you two share a really good loving bond..then it will be worthful giving him some space and noticing his responses...a phone conversation (especially when two are far apart) gets quite difficult as oppose to face to face. When you get back..& meet him...you would be able to observe his facial expressions....and that give you better clues to make your next decision.

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I dont write big replies but if my woman was away and for a month id be lovesick.

I would ring and talk to my love to hear her voice..to whisper sweet nothings and tell her how i am counting the hours some times until shes back,

Your boyfriend sounds selfish to say the least thinking that its all about poor little him instead of how lucky he is to have you.

When you get back see how he treats you and by all means talk about his attitude to see what he really feels.

What an insecure man..

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Thanks for the replies!

 

jess2009: Okay, breaking it off might be a bit drastic... I guess it is true that time will tell and maybe upon coming back hopefully I will be able to see or feel his true intentions. I will try giving more space, but at the same time I can't help but feel that I shouldn't have to or that things would be different if he really cared enough!

 

top bloke: Okay, I love your response! Because I am the same way... I can't tell you how many times I bit my tongue when I just wanted to say something gushy or romantic and instead I just talked about other stuff haha... It is nice to hear there are men like you out there. Which makes me think that this is a classic case of well this guy being not all that into me... Or, well maybe he just isn't the gushy or romantic type. I don't think all men OR women are necessarily like that. I speak to an extent from personal experience... My only serious relationship was with a man for almost two years who almost never said anything romantic except the occasional I love you or romantic gesture that would leave me almost shocked... And then when I finally broke up with him he was absolutely heartbroken and subsequently started sending me all sorts of gushy texts... all tooo late I suppose!! But I guess some men are like that?

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Ok so my answer is the opposite of Jess. If I was with someone, gone for a month, and he told me he didn't miss me, that would be a huge red flag. When I am with someone I care about and I dont hear from them for week I miss them. By the time a month had rolled around I would be planning a whole day for us to be together as soon as he came home.

 

As far as it goes you didnt "abandon" him. Dude needs to grow up. You left to see your family for goodness sakes. He should be happy for you that you get to have this chance.

 

I am 100% on board with what TopBloke says. This line infact says it all:

 

I would ring and talk to my love to hear her voice..to whisper sweet nothings and tell her how i am counting the hours some times until shes back

 

That is really beautiful. That is a man in love. That is what you want, not to have to prod him to say I miss you a little. That is ridiculous and childish, imho.

 

If I were you see what he is like when you get back, but yeah I would definitely give extensive thought to breaking it off.

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You might want to cut your losses on this one. Even though he was 'joking' about not missing, he was actually being passive aggressive. Your insticts are probably on target. Sometimes the best thing to do, is to move swiftly in these kinds of situations. Unless there is some kind of drastic change, I get the feeling that your initial insticts to say 'bye-bye' might be on target.

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I think him saying you 'abandoned' him is really childish, and he shouldn't try to make you feel guilty as well as upset over being apart from him!

 

I remember whenever my ex asked if I missed him, I could never say 'yes' because I felt like I was being pushed to. Even when he said 'I miss you', he'd expect 'I miss you too' and it still felt like pressure... we weren't long-distance though, it was just constant 'I miss you's whenever we were apart... it was annoying.

 

Maybe try backing off a little? He'll probably come running if he thinks you've forgotten about him. But don't make any big decisions until you get home, and see how things work out there

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  • 3 months later...

I think the missing you thing is difficult to answer....

 

My now ex (of 2 weeks) went to Asia for a week 3 weeks ago. I didn't miss him. The first few days I was busy. A couple of days before he was back I panicked that I didn't like him anymore. The day before he came back I was planning a date for when he got back. At no point would I describe myself as missing him.

 

He then return for a week before going off for 6 weeks...he broke up with me the day he returned saying he had missed me but it wasn't enough. Being away for 6 weeks would be too difficult. I am now devastated.

 

I think I didn't miss him the first week because I felt sure of our relationship and I was busy.

He on the other hand missed me but it wasn't enough......

 

So ultimately I mean don't read into it...people have different coping mechanisms...

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I guess if we leave aside the possibility that he might not actually miss you, there may be an element of spite involved too because he feels like you've upped and gone and he's there missing you. But feels like admitting to missing you makes him feel overly reliant on you being there. So he spitefully declines to say it, to make you feel guilty for going off.

 

I think this is a natural response for some people. It's hard to get someone enthusiastic when they're down in the dumps feeling sad and sorry for themselves - he has to work, then he can't see you, he's tired and he's grumpy. It's a little childish, but we all have our hang-ups.

 

I actually think this might be the most likely scenario here. And if so, the best response is still the same one I think - spend a bit of time apart to get him to set his priorities straight and express himself meaningfully. I think that saying something like 'I miss you and I hope you'll understand that I have to be around my family because I only see them every once in a while. I had hoped that you'd miss me just as much.' Then give him days or weeks to either work out that he does miss you and seeks you out, or if not, then you'd have your answer.

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  • 6 months later...

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