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Why should I care?


Mellie

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Hi. Well, I'm here for the same reason as everyone else, I guess. I got dumped. And it sucks. And I just want to get it off my chest.

 

My ex and I were together for two years, lived together for the past year. Everything seemed wonderful in the beginning, but turned to @£*!, obviously. He distanced himself from me and I resented it. Wouldn't spend any time with me (apart from sleeping) at all, and I grew to resent his family and friends. He'd make plans with them but with me, nothing. So I suggested we go on holiday. He agreed but wasn't particularly enthusiastic. Then the day after we booked it I got home, only to hear an answerphone message from the tour operator about his enquiry that morning about cancelling it. He'd never said a word to me. I was so '&(*%£$ off. The day before I'd walked in and overheard him on the phone to his mum, slating me. So I packed my things and left. He didn't chase me. The next day I spoke to him and he said it's over. Come and get the rest of your stuff and sling your hook. It's his house, so, six carloads later and a month of brooding, I'm living back home with my parents.

 

I just feel so used. Over the past year I've helped him decorate his house. I've helped him choose his swish car. I've overhauled his garden and made it look pretty for him (laying all the paving slabs myself!), helped him choose a sofa, a fireplace, carpets, done all the housework, supported him while he found a new job (we're currently working in the same office until he starts the new one - it just gets better and better!). In all that time, he's spent 7 minutes on the internet helping me find a loan so that I can amalgamate my debts - that's literally all he's done for me. Then he dumped me on my *£$" and 3 weeks later was already on link removed looking for a replacement. If anyone's wondering, I wasn't on there looking for one myself. I wish that were the case. I was being creepy. Though we work together, we actually started going out through link removed and I figured he was a creature of habit. Well, I was right. I haven't been on there since to check up on him - just the fact that he's there was all I needed to know. See through all this, he still says he loves me and misses me. When I confronted him about being on there (I have no right to, I know) he said it was just because he was lonely and missed me so much, he just needed someone to chat to!

 

He keeps saying he loves me, but he's not sure it's in 'the right way'. It's like he still wants to keep the door open with me an inch, just in case. He says one day we might get back together, who knows. And meanwhile I've been going out of my mind, crying for a week and thinking about doing myself in (I'm seeing a counsellor now though, and she's great), while he's chatting to girls, waltzing around work like he hasn't got a care in the world and generally not giving a monkeys. It's like being hit in the face with a brick. It's like everything in his life is in order now - the car, the house, the great job, now he needs the great girlfriend to go with it. He said he finished with me because I was needy and had self confidence issues. But he's always put me down, in front of other people, right from the very beginning. During the conversation when he dumped me - and we weren't arguing at the time, I was heartbroken - he actually said if I dropped off the face of the earth, he isn't sure how bothered he would be. And then laughed. I couldn't even take it in at the time, I was at rock bottom already. He said he's the sort of person who thinks the grass is greener etc. - basically, he'd leave me for someone else at some point, not because of them, but because of us, or basically me.

 

I wanted to 'win' him back to begin with. I thought I'd make myself self-confident by joining an amateur dramatic club, and see the counsellor because I was convinced I was a psycho. And I am better now - but something switched somewhere along the line, and I'm not doing it for him anymore, but for me.

 

So, it's been about five weeks now since we split. We've had occasional contact. Whenever I've texted him about my stuff he's taken it as an invitation to come up to my office, slam the door in my boss's face and give me an update on how things are with him. He's a lawyer and I'm a secretary, to give you some perspective. It really freaks me out when he does that. I'm angry and sad and happy to see him, all at the same time - it turns me into a wreck. But he's going at the end of this month. I don't know whether I'm looking forward to it or not.

 

I see it all from the outside. We're not into the same things, and he's definitely not that 'into' me. I see it, I hear it, I think it, but I just don't feel it at all. I know he never treated me the way he should have. I was no angel, but I think 90% of my insecurity and resentment stemmed from the way he treated me. I didn't get Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I'm so idealistic and naive. I thought, sure - you have problems in a relationship, but why on earth would you want to erase someone you loved from your memory. I get it now. If there was any way on this earth I could do that, I really would.

 

It just scares me to think you can spend so much time with someone who just doesn't care - kidding yourself that they do, when all the signs are there and everyone else can see that they really, really don't. And guys do worse than that, don't they? I mean, how would I be feeling now if he'd cheated on me? This is nuts - it was his first proper relationship and my 4th - I'm 31 and completely clueless.

 

Anyways, that's me done I think. I'm sorry if I've bored you - I bore myself with all this! Hope you're all doing better than me. It has got easier - I don't cry all the time now, but I'm still a bit, well, dazed and confused!!!

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It's hard for me to really give advice because I'm only 17 and have nowhere near the experiences you have but one really good thing I read from your post was that you stopped doing extra curricular type things for him, and started doing them for yourself. That's a really good sign, and you need to continue to focus on yourself, because in the break up you're really all that matters. Keep moving on, if he treated you wrong be grateful that it ended now, and not years in the future!

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Sorry to hear that Mellie, keep your chin up! He doesn't sound like a big loss though I know how much that must hurt. You deserve better than that, and now that you're not stuck with him, you are free to find better. Maybe after time goes by, you can think of it as him doing you a favor by letting you go.

 

I work with my ex too and it always turns me into a babbling mess.

 

As for wanting to off yourself, everyone's been there. I'm glad you are taking care of yourself and hopefully your life can improve now that you don't have someone to help through all his messes and put you down.

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Thanks dundermiflin. It ain't great working together, is it? I did have the urge to take revenge on him... keying the car seemed like a great plan but then, well, he's a lawyer, and me? I'm not that stupid. I settled for telling a rather indiscreet colleague my ex's profile name (Mr Bigovereasy - I mean, honestly - you couldn't make it up!). Probably not a great plan, but it made me laugh for five minutes. I know I've got to get on with my life. I'm just so angry right now, but every day I think about him a little bit less. Thanks for your kind words.

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Thanks Soprano. I wish I'd been that with it when I was 17... or 27... hopefully by the time I'm 37 then, eh?!!

 

Lol ahh trust me, I don't exactly have it all together right now. I'm good at giving advice to others, but I really can't do the same for myself, I have my own thread going on about the ex right now.

 

But yeah, it sounds like you're dealing with this in a very good manner. The therapist sounds like a good idea because it gives you someone to talk to, even when you do get past the suicide issues. For me, this site has been great for that because it's allowed me to get great advice, and really see how much worse of a situation I could be in. Continue posting here, it helps alot and you'll receive some great advice!

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I took an overdose when I was 16 because... I got dumped. My poor parents - I'd never do that to them when I was in my right mind, but in those first few days this time around... it was like being in a big black hole. Now I just see odd shadow, but it passes and actually, when I sit and think about it? I'm less lonely now than I was living with my ex. I don't even know how much I like him now. I still have feelings for him but it's gradually filtering through that I did, and do, deserve better. We all do.

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Your story and mine are similar. I didn't live with him, but we spent a year together. Tonight, I am home with a beautiful nine year old boy (my little man), while he is out at the bar looking for women (we have been broken up a week- and yes, he is also on an internet site.) Well, I am hurting, but also getting angry... I deserved better treatment. However, all of my family and friends say that although it hurts, this is God's way of taking him out so He can bring in the one he wants. He has never been married, so I think there were committment issues. It does wrench your gut to think- all this effort for nothing.....but, I am looking forward to healing. He is not sulking....why should I? One day, I know in my case, he will have regrets....

 

Keep your chin up girl. We are in this sorry boat together...haha

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