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When NC is mutual...


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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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Has anyone ever been in a relationship where both parties wanted to be together, but there was something keeping that from happening (distance, age, jobs, etc.)?

 

I'm just wondering if anyone has been through what I am experiencing now. In short, I can't be with him because of our age gap and the fact that he was my teacher a year ago (he's single, no kids, never been married, and my parents know about the situation). We have gone back and forth for the last few months, knowing we want to be together, but knowing how risky it would be for his reputation/career to be seen dating someone who was his student so recently.

 

Anyway, neither of us want to give up on what we've found, but we've realized (the hard way) that right now is just not the right time. We are going NC for a while. Neither of us know how long, but we're hoping that after some time apart we can start again, with me a little older and high school farther behind me.

 

Has anyone been in a situation where NC was mutual? Both people wanting to talk/be together but knowing it's easier if they don't for now? How did that work out? Does anyone just have any input on this situation?

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I haven't been in the situation myself, but I have taught in a school where one of my colleagues started a relationship with an ex-pupil shortly after she left the school - certainly within one year. Like your teacher, he was single, no kids, never been married. I'm certain nothing 'improper' happened when she was still there. Twelve years later, they are married with two kids. Her situation was unusual in that both her parents were dead; she had a legal guardian who had no particular interest in her and no jurisdiction once she'd turned 18.

 

You don't say what the age gap is (in their case it's 11 years); it was difficult for them in the early days; she had been head girl when she was at the school, for example, and the head teacher, deputy head etc refused to acknowledge her presence when she returned to the school for various functions. Unless there's a suggestion that you were having an inappropriate relationship whilst you were still a pupil, and you could cope with the gossip, it may well be worth discussing your situation again when you're ready.

 

If you started the relationship when you were still a pupil, that's an entirely different scenario and calls into question all sorts of things like his professional integrity and ethics.

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nutbrownhare,

 

Thanks for sharing, that's a really interesting story. We never had anything more than a platonic student/teacher and athlete/athletic trainer relationship (he was a teacher and the trainer lol). We never had feelings for one another until we happened to strike up a conversation a couple of months after I graduated. So there should be no suspicion about his integrity.

 

The unfortunate thing, is that my school has had a couple of teachers who DID NOT have their students' best interests at heart. So if our relationship were to be called into question, these events would probably make him look bad. If that makes sense.

 

To answer your question, the age gap is sixteen years. It's quite a doozy, which we both realize. We've tried to squelch our feelings before, but we just keep drifting back to one another.

 

We're both of the mindset that this is worth the wait. NC is just making it SO hard on me. Not knowing his thoughts, feelings, etc.

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Yes I have been in this situation, and what I'm about to say about it is going to sound like a bad thing, but it's really a good thing. Usually mutual NC results in both parties finding a new love interest and they just sort of lose touch, or lose romantic feelings for each other. That might not be what you want, but it's what you need. Why else would you both agree on NC? Just my two cents...

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Southern,

 

I do see what you're saying. The reason we went with NC was because talking always lead to getting together in person. We can't have a real relationship, so we know it's not fair to either one of us to keep pulling the scab off the wound by talking and seeing one another, while knowing we can't be together for real.

 

We're trying to go our separate ways, and grow after this big, complicated experience. Both of us are open to dating, but our hope is to try again in the future.

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Okay. First things first. NC is meant to heal and forget about the person. What you are doing is taking a break because you both want to see each other when society deems it safe. The other thing is no educator should be dating/sleeping with a former student especially if there is such a huge difference in age and maturity. He's taking advantage of you. So my opinion that you won't like is that you should go NC for good and find someone in your own peer group.

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Okay. First things first. NC is meant to heal and forget about the person. What you are doing is taking a break because you both want to see each other when society deems it safe. The other thing is no educator should be dating/sleeping with a former student especially if there is such a huge difference in age and maturity. He's taking advantage of you. So my opinion that you won't like is that you should go NC for good and find someone in your own peer group.
Not sure id jump to conclusions if you haven't heard the whole story..
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I'm in a somewhat similar situation... Circumstances, what have you. I haven't done NC, however... As it stands, I don't see the point. We both still like one another and still enjoy talking. Why give that up? There aren't any illusions, at least, I don't think there are.

 

I may be setting myself up for a fall, but I think I have control of myself emotionally to the extent that I can keep all this in perspective.

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I know what you mean. I feel like I could control myself, but every time we started talking again, we'd just feel the hurt of not being able to have more than a friendship.

 

I don't see why it couldn't work out with you, if you really feel like you can keep it in perspective. Him and me would just get so wrapped up in things...and as much as we want to be in contact and see each other, it's healthier to take a break and wait for things to become a little more stable.

 

What's your story, if you don't mind me asking? You can private message me if you want, it's always cool to talk to anyone who might be in the same sort of situation

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Oh, it's no secret... Distance rather than age and position. She's in France, I'm in California. It will be that way for at least a couple of years. Not tenable. Nothing has gone wrong. We get along, got along, great. I have a feeling that one or both of us are going to meet someone new and that's just going to be the way of it. It's all very confusing.

 

At the moment, my goal is to remain amicable. I believe that this will have the best result. We shall see...

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She is French - you can see the difficulty. I'm ambivalent. We talk so often, it feels as though it will continue for however long we both wish it. She has plans to come visit me in San Francisco.

 

I'm just not sure. I wish I could give you a solid answer. At the moment, I think yes. But it's going to be years. I've tried long distance before and it went so very wrong. What I like to think is that if we maintain our cool, we'll be fine, no matter what. She's quite a catch. I guess that's how you have to gauge it: is the relationship worth the trauma? These things are so transitory.

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I so feel you. I mean, we're obviously not in the same situation but I think I can relate.

 

We click, and everything else flows wonderfully save for the one complication. I wish I knew my outcome, too. In my case, the relationship was not worth the risk of him losing his reputation. But I'm hopeful for a day when that factor will not be so present for us.

 

As I imagine you are hoping for closer proximity...

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