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He treated me badly...why do I still feel that I was at fault? And why do I still love him?


MJ23

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I dated my boyfriend for 2 years. During that time, there were many high points and low points, as with any relationship.

 

However, there were some things he did that just really haunted me throughout the time that we were together. For example:

 

--Telling me I'm unattractive/fat when this is EXACTLY how I looked when he first started dating me and called me beautiful (btw, I am 20 pds overweight but always have been and I always thought I carried it well)

 

--Said he wanted to get back with his druggie old flame because she was "exciting" and "thin/gorgeous" (This hurt me SO BAD) Then he changed his mind, so of course, I forgave him

 

--Said I was boring/holding him back in life (He never wanted to do anything I suggested for fun and pouted if I went ahead and did what I thought was exciting anyway)

 

--Always complained about his problems, I would spend hours counselling him but the moment I started in on my problems he replied "Your depressed. I think you need help".

 

--When I was in the hospital for an allergic reaction to a bug bite he freaked out and said he would be away for a few days because he needed a "break from the drama"

 

--Broke up with me by stating he wanted to see what it was like to date multiple girls

 

--Never initated any physical intimacy

 

--Blamed me when he got sick for passing on "germs" ?!?

 

--Often would get moody/depressed out of no where and tell me to leave and he was done visiting with me and I would have to comply immediately or he would moan about how I don't respect him/give him space/I'm too clingy etc.

 

--Often made me feel crazy/emotional/needy. Told me I wasn't independent, strong, mature, interesting, fun, etc.

 

--After all this CRAP I screamed I hated him (first time in the course of 2 year relationship) and he announces I'm emotionally disturbed and doesn't want anything else to do with me

 

This was all three months ago. And I still hurt SO BAD. Why do I still feel at fault about all this ending? Why do I still love this man? Why do I still fantazie about getting back with him? I guess I don't know if I can do better...I don't know if I WANT to, which is a weird thought. Its like I should be with him forever. Please help me deal with the pain!

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The guy sounds like a real jerk.

In fact, it sounds like he was emotionally abusive.

 

When people are unkind to us, it wears down our self-esteem.

 

If you were sensitive to begin with, then it is more likely that you would stick around and take more of his dirt.

In fact, what frequently happens in situations like this is that the person who is being put down tries harder and harder to prove themselves--

and when they are knocked down again and again by the person they love, they start to feel that it is their own fault.

It's a slippery slope from not-the-most-self-esteem, all the way to really-low-self-esteem.

 

It sounds like maybe you've experienced something similar.

You're going to be O.K., and it wasn't your fault that the guy was such an unkind person.

The only thing that you did wrong was to put up with garbage from a cretin, but hey-- the heart's a funny thing, and we all make mistakes.

 

Forgive yourself. You deserve so much better.

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Agreed 200%!! Forget him girl! I know its hard right now, but you deserve someone who RESPECTS you and loves you for you no matter what!!!!!!! You dont need this crap in your life! Your much more then that and YOU need to believe it!!! Let this A-hole go to his low life ex cause thats all he is, is a low life piece of scum!!

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You may feel at fault that you weren't able to change him and you might think you still could and make him a better person.

 

But, that is not your job. He is simply a horrible and broken person that should come with a warning label.

 

You need to demand for yourself a better quality of partner. One that will bolster your confidence and self-worth and compliment your best qualities.

 

You say you still love him, but as I see it from my own experience it can be like coming off a drug. You do become addicted to a person, especially when there is drama and it is exciting (you never do know what is going to happen next!), in the aftermath it is very calm and empty and you have to fill your life again.

 

For me, it felt admist the pain that a major weight had been lifted from my shoulders and that I was also totally exhausted. Long walks listening to audiobooks along the beach, working out at the gym, talking to friends and family and this site made such a huge difference. I also didn't wait that long (a month?) before looking again (bad in that I wasn't fully healed), but learning that other people were interested in me made me feel alot better about myself and I have met someone very special as a result of it who had done so much to help me improve myself.

 

Good luck.

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What a pathetic and selfish man.

 

The reason you feel it is your fault and that you can't do better is because he has made you feel that way with his disgusing and emotionally abusive treatment towards you.

 

It is NOT your fault and you CAN do better.

 

Nevertheless, you loved him, you are hurting and you have to deal with those emotions, as a lot of us do.

 

The pain will lessen and it will get better. Be patient. Give yourself time. Keep reminding yourself that you will be much better off without him. You deserve soooo much better than this, you really do.

 

***hugs***

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Your Boyfriend Left You - So What?
Your Boyfriend Left You - So What?

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