Jump to content

I don't want this to be the end :(


indigochick
How to leave an abusive relationshi...
How to leave an abusive relationship and why it's so hard

Recommended Posts

My bf & I have been together for 2 years and 8 months. The 1st year was rocky but we then came to a mutual understanding of each other and we started compromising and so on and so forth. since then the relationship has gotten nothing but better, almost perfect.

 

Yesterday I went to his hse bcuz I had forgotten my H.W. there and decided to stay a bit longer than planned. He had expressed to me that he was tired and his back hurt from working out. When it was time for me to leave I decided to express to my bf that I felt as though he were distant and not paying a whole lot of attention to me that night. (note: my bf gets tired of spending time w/the same person for more than 5 days more or less, therefore we created a system to accommodate that, which is that we see each other only twice a week) He told me that it was bcuz we had been together since Friday. (Another thing I would like to add is that we had talked about the amount of affection we give one another the day before & I just needed to understand that he's not a highly affectionate person, which is fine) So I then proceeded by telling him how I could understand that he's not super affectionate person but that I didn't want to show up during the week on a day that we weren't scheduled to see each other and be treated as though I weren't even there. He said that this happened bcuz I didn't follow the plan, that I was supposed to just come get my H.W. and leave. I got upset and continued to explain myself, probably longer than I needed to bcuz he started to fall asleep (remember he was already sleepy before all this) I decide to get up to leave and he walks me to my door and I continue the conversation outside in the humidity w/the mosquitos and we both start getting even more irritated than we already were. After a long while of sweating and mosquito bites he agrees that we could search for possible answers to why he gets tired of ppl and his inability to be affectionate in such situations the next day. So, I told him that after all that, that I would like to say goodbye on a good note for the night so I could sleep well. He was too agitated w/everything already and told me that he just wanted to go to bed. I insisted that I wanted to know how he felt so I would know how to say goodnight w/out getting rejected. He said that he was going to close the gate, say goodnight, go inside and that I was gonna' get in my car and go home. I got upset that he closed the gate on me and told him that that wasn't the type of goodbye I wanted he lost his patience and told me he was going inside. B4 he finished closing the door, I screamed "I love u 2" when I heard him lock the door I started walking away 4rm the his hse and needing 2 release some frustration I kicked his car w/my night slippers. (another note: my bf is a car fanatic and made it clear 2 me in the past that if I were ever 2 damage his car that the relationship would be over) The car made a thud when I kicked it and he came running outside asking me if I kicked his car, I denied it out of fear when I saw the look on his face. He slapped everything out of my hands and told me to leave and that we were through. I told him that nothing happened to the car, that I didn't damage it, that it didn't have a dent or anything to take a look. He didn't want to hear it, that he didn't care if I would have kicked the tire. Just the fact that I placed my hand on his property was enough and that bcuz of that now he feels that I am capable of damaging his property. I swore that I wouldn't and I apologized and told him that I didn't want us to break up. But he just kept telling me that he wanted me to leave and that I was doing all that talking in vain. I didn't leave for a long while just in hope to get through to him but instead he eventually ended up going in the hse. As he was walking to his door I told him that I loved him and wanted to be with him and that I was so sorry. I walked to his car and decided to wipe of the little bit of dirt that stuck to the car when I kicked it and left it new. I got in my car and went home. I decided to text him repeating how sorry I am and that I wanted to be with him. He obviously didn't answer.

 

Today I realized that he has a movie of mine and my camera got lost somewhere when he slapped the things outta my hands last night and that I had something of his in my car. I texted him letting him know and he wrote back asking me where would the camera be and I wrote back saying that it should be somewhere in front of his hse. He didn't write back. @ 10:30pm I sent him a text saying "I miss u" but he didn't answer.

 

I don't want to loose him, I told him last night that I would do anything for us to stay together and I mean it. I love that man to death. I don't know what I want u guys to tell me...I guess I want feed back and to know if u guys honestly think theres hope of us getting back together

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What is good about this guy? He sounds like a child... and it sounds like he was looking for an excuse to break up. It also seems he's emotionally abusive- manipulative. Seriously, rules about when you can see each other? If he really loved you, he'd be happy to see you, not angry because you didn't follow "the plan".

 

Get your camera back because it's valuable, but on eveything else, cut your losses. This guy sounds like a tool.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He sounds cold. You are prob better off without a guy like that!..I did the same thing when I was younger..sometimes we do not realize we are doing all the work and them nothing..he sounds like a real jerk sweetie. You need time to yourself so you can really think with your brain not heart. You are prob too nice for him and he does not deserve you! Sorry but it prob might be true. Good luck

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow that guy sounds like he doesnt really care about teh relationship....getting extremely work up over kicking a tiny spot on the car as opposed to even listening to your concerns about your relationship?a meeting plan? Time to move on buddy.you can do so much better.dont forget the camera! ;p

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I disagree with the others. You were really pushing his buttons that night. You knew he was tired and yet you insisted on staying and talking even though it was time to leave.

 

Then you insisted on carrying on outside it in humid, mosquito laden conditions.

 

He told you he just wanted to go to bed but you still insisted on keeping him there.

 

Then when he left you lost your temper and kicked his car - and the fact there was no discernible damage doesn't make that alright.

 

If you wanted to talk about his lack of affection and attention you chose the wrong place at the wrong time. His reactions were predictable.

 

I think you should apologise for your behaviour and, if you still want this relationship, ask him to talk with you about how to fix it so both of you are happy at a more suitable time and place.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't want u guys to think he's a monster, cause he's not. I'm sorry if I made it seem that way. The planned days to see each other 1st came to be in order to work around school and our jobs. those 2 days were the 2 days that we were both completely free from everything. It wasn't till shortly after that that he told me that he had that problem & it was convenient to just keep the schedule that way so he can have his space.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is my last relationship. It lasted two years as well and was almost exactly the same.

 

Let me tell you something--he acts cold and distant and when you do something against his wishes he acts like your an irrational, crazy b-word right?

 

Eventually, his craziness makes you crazy...like becoming so frusterated you kicked the car. I was so frusterated a screamed I hated him (I never scream at people) and he said I was too emotionally unstable to be around and he doesn't deal with people who scream at him. Guess how much CRAP i put up with (2 years worth) before I got to that point!!!

 

End of the story: After putting up with 2 years of crap, putting my needs on the back burner, coming up with plans, ideas, to cater to his cold, unfeeling personality he left me anyway because he always wondered if he could "date more attractive girls". I believe I am VERY attractive by the way, he just never saw anything wrong with saying hurtful things.

 

They leave you in the end and don't give a crap how warm and emotional you are. That's just how they are and they can't change. They don't have heart enough to change and they break ours in the end. Please stay away from cold, distant men. They hurt so bad in the end. It'll hurt now, but the longer you stay, the MORE it hurts. I'm still hurting and don't see an end in sight.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Believe me, these kinds of relationships are destructive. Women who love warm, affectionate partners should not be with cold, distant partners. It's just a difference of life style. I don't think she's at fault, dealing with this kind of craziness drives you to act in a way you never would. Because inside, after catering them for so long and getting NOTHING in return, you are SO frusterated your going to explode!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He was treating you like a child. Like 'You can come round for five minutes on january 5th 2010, BUT you can only get your homework, if you dont do as I say...' (exagerated but it sounds like he sets down all the terms and conditions of your love and relationship)

 

He sounds cold and detached to me.

 

You were wrong to kick his car, I can see why hes worried about you damaging his stuff. Thats never cool.

 

Edit: Read about his hectic schedule. HE is obviously very stressed and tired, maybe thats why hes finding it hard to be affectionate?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Believe me, these kinds of relationships are destructive. Women who love warm, affectionate partners should not be with cold, distant partners. It's just a difference of life style. I don't think she's at fault, dealing with this kind of craziness drives you to act in a way you never would. Because inside, after catering them for so long and getting NOTHING in return, you are SO frusterated your going to explode!
Well, check out this post from the OP.

I don't want u guys to think he's a monster, cause he's not. I'm sorry if I made it seem that way. The planned days to see each other 1st came to be in order to work around school and our jobs. those 2 days were the 2 days that we were both completely free from everything. It wasn't till shortly after that that he told me that he had that problem & it was convenient to just keep the schedule that way so he can have his space.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, check out this post from the OP.

 

This may be true, because I am basing this only off of my experience.

 

But all I can say is this guy sounds JUST like my ex and I probably would have written a similar defense before we broke up. I was always SO quick to defend him and in the end he ripped my heart out anyway. This sounds just like my story.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Its hard dating people that don't display apathy...but i think even if he did it would not be worth it..to be honest i think you should move on or even better, let him contact you. What you doing by texting him you miss him and telling him you love him is not doing any good because he doesn't respond.

 

From the car situation YOU don't need to apologize, he does. YOU don't need to text him to to tell him how sorry you are, he does.

 

My opinion.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ty for your honesty, I completely understand what your saying cause I thought about that. I did indeed apologize to him a bunch of times that same night and once I got home I sent him a text apologizing. I don't know what else to do. When we've been in situations like these in the past I've shown up to his hse to try to talk and get passed the quarrel or send him a message on YouTube saying I miss him and stuff like that...So I've become quite predictable cause he expects that, he's told me in the past. So a friend of mine suggested that I do the opposite this time to give him a chance to think. We've never been broken up for more than 5 days, so she said to give him a week and then call him to try to sit down and talk. What do u think?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would give him time to come to YOU now. You already apologized, the ball is in his court.

 

I think was you did was justified, myself, after beating myself up for so long in my relationship I realized his complete apathy was driving me to NEED to push his buttons in the end just to see if he even cared.

 

However, if you want this to work, I'd step back and see if he comes to you now. My guy never came to me and now he's my ex. So, his reaction will definitely tell you his true feelings now that you've apologized.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry but kicking a car simply wasn't justified. It's an act of petulant violence and immediately puts you in the wrong.

 

How to proceed? Well you have apologised. Now try suggesting a make-up date where you take each other out for dinner and then you can talk about how to fix the relationship by listening to what the other person wants and negotiating a compromise.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You've never been broken up for more than 5 days? How many times have you broken up? This is not a healthy relationship. You are setting yourself up to just keep getting hurt! Why would you want to be with someone who clearly doesn't care about you as much as you need?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You've never been broken up for more than 5 days? How many times have you broken up? This is not a healthy relationship. You are setting yourself up to just keep getting hurt! Why would you want to be with someone who clearly doesn't care about you as much as you need?

The 1st year we were together we broke up several times cause we kept bumping heads due to our different personalities. After that year that we stopped screaming @ each other and started listening to one another, and we started compromising and discussing things oppose to arguing, and so on and so forth; Till we got to the point that we would have small disagreements once a month and the relationship evolved in the last 8 months to being almost perfect.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

When you go to get the camera.

When I texted him about the camera the next day, he wrote back asking me where it might be. I wrote back telling him that it should be somewhere in front of his hse and he didn't answer after that. I haven't heard from him since. Should I text him again? or just bring it up after the week?( considering of course that he doesn't contact me 1st)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...