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Already the "exclusive" talk? :(


waytoodown
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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If you check my other posts, I just broke up 3 weeks ago from a 5 year relationship with my now ex-fiance. I had started hanging out/dating a guy a week or so after the break up and kept seeing him until tonight. While we were dating, I did go on a date with another man since we had not talked about whether or not we were exclusive ( which I was told meant it was okay to go out with other people) and I don't really feel ready for anything too serious right now.

Tonight he asked me if we could be exclusive and I told him I did not feel ready for that. I explained I didn't necessarily want to go date other people, but I just didn't feel ready for any type of commitment at this moment( which I had carefully explained to him 2 weeks ago, but I guess he didn't quite understand me or something...).

He seems to have taken it well... We did agree to keep dating each other but that we would both be free to date other people.

I find it bothers me that he brought up this subject so early on ( I feel 2 weeks, considering my situation, is not very long). Also, I would rather have kept on dating him knowing he could be dating someone else but not having it confirmed like this ( since my ex cheated on me, I do have trust issues). Because of those issues, I wonder if I would be better to just stop dating him or agree to be exclusive? ( Don't worry, I realize that if I can date other people I can't expect him to wait for me that he also has the right to date other people...).

Does anyone agree it was too soon, or is it normal to discuss being exclusive after 2 weeks of dating? Anyone have any idea what i should do in this situation?

Thank you for any replies and/or adice!!

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Yeah, it was definitely too soon for him to be bringing that up. Just keep dating him casually and keep him at arms length. Make sure he knows it's casual so he doesn't go all goo goo on you.

 

Most importantly - get out there and have some fun!! You deserve it.

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2 weeks is waaaaaay too soon in my book. At this point it seems as though you have a "clinger" on your hands. If you choose to keep seeing him then I would be on the look out for him to do other things that will make him seem clingy.

 

If I was in your situation then I would slowly start to diminish your contact with him and just let things gradually subside.

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It's different for everyone. In most of my relationships, exclusivity has been brought up in the first week or so--in my current relationship, we talked about it after 3 weeks.

 

However, I do agree that given your circumstances, and given that you talked about it with him early on (the not wanting anything serious part), that it was definitely too early. You don't necessarily need to stop dating him, just do it like sn0man said and keep him at an arm's length for now.

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While it is your choice, I personally think it's too soon to be dating. Sure you're ex cheated on you, but it's only been 3 weeks! You have a lot to work through

 

I can understand where the new guy is coming from in asking to be exclusive. It's not that he wants to leap you right back into a relationship, but who wants to know that this girl he's been seeing a lot of is seeing (and possibly sleeping with) someone else?

 

If you are planning to just be wistful, hang out with all sorts of people and date whomever comes along, then perhaps it's best to let him go.

 

Just do yourself a favour and don't race back out there. Give yourself some time to mourn and get over this 5 year relationship that has only just ended.

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I think a lot of times (your included) people take 'exclusive' to mean much more than it means. It doesnt mean you are in love, or doesnt mean you are going to get married. It simply means that you are not dating anyone else at the moment. Is that really such a hard thing to ask? If someone is going to put time and effort into getting to know you, take you on dates etc. can you not set aside your window shopping for a few weeks and see where that is going? Now in your case I would say that you should probably tell him that you are not ready to be in a relationship period, exclusive or not. You are 3 weeks out of a 5 year relationship. I think dating anyone, in any form should be a no no for at least 6 months. Tell him you are ok to hang out, have sex, whatever it is you want to do... but tell him not to expect anything.

 

However, it just seems to me that people make a big fuss over being 'exclusive'. Is your dating 'sell by date' really so short that you have to cram everyone into such a short time that you must date multiple people at the same time?

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Well, it's good to date multiple people at one time if you can - it gets you out into the dating world where there are far too many 'losers' and gives you the opportunity to sort through the spam without getting attached to any one person.

 

"Exclusive" means just that. Dating 1 person only. Definitely not cool to do fresh out of a relationship as it gives you no breathing room.

 

Date around, have some fun, don't go exclusive. BOO to exclusive!!!

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I have never thought of anyone dating multiple people at a time as being OK. To me, if you are "dating" then you are an item and should treat others like you are attached. Maybe I'm just old fashioned that way, but I would never date more than one person at a time, even if the other person was OK with it. It just feels like cheating to me.

 

Just my opinion though. If you are not comfortable being exclusive, then don't be. It's really up to you.

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It's a crazy world...SO many women hang out for that conversation and dream about a guy they really, really like bringing it up so quick! Then the person that it happens too doesn't want it Ahhh just the way of the world, I guess....hard to get two people who are really on the same page at the same time...

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Well, it's good to date multiple people at one time if you can - it gets you out into the dating world where there are far too many 'losers' and gives you the opportunity to sort through the spam without getting attached to any one person.

 

"Exclusive" means just that. Dating 1 person only. Definitely not cool to do fresh out of a relationship as it gives you no breathing room.

 

Date around, have some fun, don't go exclusive. BOO to exclusive!!!

 

I know what it means, it just shocks me that people get bent when the person they are 'dating' suggests going exclusive after a short time. The flip side of it is why would I waste my time dating you if you are already dating 5 other guys at the same time? To me THAT seems more strange than asking to be exclusive after 2 weeks... or even 2 dates for that matter.

 

As far as dating, exclusively or not right out of a relationship... Its not the exclusive thats the problem. Its the commitment. If you are 2 weeks out of a 20 year relationship you arent mentally, emotionally prepared to date anyone seriously, wether its one person or ten. Rather than worry that the person you met wants exclusive, you should be telling him sure, Ill date just you... but do not expect this to go any farther than a casual thing. Thats the real hitch for someone newly broken up. Not one person, or two, or ten... but the level of commitment you are willing and able to give to however many people you are dating. 2 weeks out... that commitment level is about zero!

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