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What would you do?


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I will try to keep this brief. My boyfriend and I dated a little over one year. Several times during that, he would need time and space. I was not always good about giving him that, but I did get better. The last incident happened right before Father's day. We did not talk for about a week. Then, he contacted me on Father's day. Here is where I made my mistake.

We talked on Father's day night. Then, I asked him to come over the next night. He did and we had a serious talk about our relationship. I thought that we covered a lot of issues and he even told a friend that he was "impressed" with how I handlled the situation (not panicky acting).

 

Well, two days later, he and his son and me and my son spent a great night together. Then, two days after that, he acted dissapointed that I had a housefull of children and I would see him tomorrow. That next day, we went to the lake with friends. Everything fine. Then, I saw him Sunday (he went to church with me), then Monday night we grilled out. Then Tuesday, I brought him some gas becuase his gas hand had quit working and he did not know he was out. I could tell he was a bit distant. Then Wednesday night, we broke up. Again......seemed to come out of the blue.

 

I now realize that I should have taken the "reconciliation" much slower. He began to feel the same old pressures. And, he is 38 and never married, so I do think there are some committment issues. Some of my friends say, why would you want him? But of course, it is not their heart shattered. We are not on day seven of no contact and I know that he has asked a mutual friend if he has talked to me. When we broke up wed. night, I did send lots of texts to him on Thursday (mistake). But then started no contact on Friday. It has been almost a week......What would you do? I love him and want to try again. I have seen my mistakes and realize that I must change some of my ways. However, I definitely think leaving him alone is the best strategy. opinions?

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Hi,

 

Your post's title asks a good question: "What would you do?" I read your other posts, and it sounds more like your man does not want to be with you long-term and breaks up with you but wants to keep in touch. This is a big red flag signaling a controlling personality. I don't want to assume that you guys were intimate, but if you were, it may be that he does not want to lose that convenience. It's a way for him to get something for nothing and control you at the same time. I myself would say "Enough!" and move on. This will not have a happy ending.

 

However, I can certainly relate to your situation. It could be that he is seeing others. Do you suspect that he is? If so, then your answer is pretty clear. If not, my guess is that you guys (even though you love him, and women are wonderful at loving all types of people deeply, and making many compromises) are probably just not compatible, and he may be using you. Additionally, the tone of your post suggests that you are placing most of the responsibility upon yourself for the success or failure of your relationship. This is certainly not fair to you. It takes two people to tend the garden of love.

 

If your relationship has run its course, then you might consider that any more strenuous or anxious effort on your part may well prove fruitless, and may leave you discouraged and exhausted. Sometimes, just letting go and moving on is the healthiest approach, especially since what you describe is somewhat of a pattern between you.

 

You mentioned "leaving him alone is the best strategy"...strategy for what? To repeat the pattern? Your goal in leaving him alone might be to sit still with yourself and your feelings and find out what's really happening inside you, why you seem to believe that you deserve to be treated so casually, as well as to step back and do some nice things for yourself and regain your confidence, reduce the anxiety you feel, and try to remember that you are a special lady with so much to give. You deserve to receive love, too!

 

It sounds like your relationship has run its course. Your man is not going to change. As painful as it is, we sometimes have to go through these relationships to learn the skills to take care of ourselves so that we can love ourselves and truly love someone else. I am not in favor of relationships or people being seen as "disposable", but sometimes we have to move on if a relationship is damagin, or just not going anywhere.

 

My heart and hugs go out to you and I hope you find your answer soon, as well as inner peace for yourself and your son.

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I understand that sometimes people need time away from eachother, say, a week here and there apart. If that works for both of you, then I don't see a problem. But, if he is pulling away significantly more than you are, (which it does sound like), then over time, that leaves you without much of a relationship at all.

 

Plus, this time, he broke up with you, not just "space". If I were you, I would take that definition to heart and try to get over him. From your words, it seems like you are feeling insecure and maybe blaming yourself that your relationship didn't last. I hope you eventually see things differently, and realize that he just wasn't the right man for you. (It really sounds like he isn't).

 

I think NC is definitely the way to go.

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well, I noticed that he has taken our picture off of his facebook page and changed his interests to women.......guess that means we are really done...I know he may not have been good for me, but it is hard when you care about someone......Maybe one day we can be friends.

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