Red Flags

[Moon Riser]

I have been dating this girl for almost six months.

She has been a great girl friend so far. She has also done many sweet things for me. We have never had an argument and she makes a lot of effort in our relationship.

 

However 1 week ago she had a really good looking guy move into her house. So far for me its not looking good. She doesn't send me daily emails like she used to and she is making indirect references to this guy in her facebook status. She was drinking wine with him at 10pm last night when she told me she was with her girl friends. Also she has been texting this guy regularly and they live in the same house. Why would you do that ? She has only known him for a few days! She goes out and smokes cigarettes in the garden when he is smoking and she never smoked before.

 

I have a gut instinct that she fancies him quite a lot and I am sure they must have had sex by now. I only see my girlfriend in the weekends so they spend all week together.

 

With all these signs you would have to be pretty stupid to believe she isn't after him. What does hurt my ego is that this guy is there only for 6 weeks. He already had sex with her sister on Monday and he is seeing someone in another city. He is a total player !

 

Best to dump her on Saturday after clearing my house of her belongings. Trust me I don't think she will care too much if I do since in a way she dumped me.

 

What do you guys think? Should I dump her? or do I need more evidence?

[Circe]

So the evidence so far is:

 

1) Her emails to you have markedly dropped off;

2) She lied to you about her whereabouts, when she was with him (hope you are sure on that one because it is the most incriminating of the lot); and

3) She texts him excessively.

 

Look, I think you'd be justified to end it (based primarily on ground 2, supported by ground 3).

[Sparkly Eyes]

Did you talk to her about that?

[orangesoda]

I would break-up. She may not have slept with him but she isn't being faithful to you, not when she's lying to you about spending time with him, and even picking up *smoking* (wow) so that she has something to 'share' with him.

[Sparkly Eyes]

I would break-up. She may not have slept with him but she isn't being faithful to you, not when she's lying to you about spending time with him, and even picking up *smoking* (wow) so that she has something to 'share' with him.

 

what's wrong with sharing? they are roommates!

[Moon Riser]

yes !

i have snooped her FB account and her texts.

although the texts are flirty. one of them said:

"thanks for the ride. i like your stereo. x "

 

having sex or not is irrelevant. it is the idea of being unfaithfull.

[Moon Riser]

what's wrong with sharing? they are roommates!

 

she doesn't smoke. isn't that obvious ?!??

[Sparkly Eyes]

yes !

i have snooped her FB account and her texts.

although the texts are flirty. one of them said:

"thanks for the ride. i like your stereo. x "

 

having sex or not is irrelevant. it is the idea of being unfaithfull.

 

OMG, what a super flirty text, how could you read that text and not dump her right away??????!!!

 

see, I think you should talk to her and say your concerns, if she acted like she didn't care and she continued then dump her.

[Moon Riser]

i know .

i would have but i need to take out all my stuff from her house.

i will do so this saturday with the help of a friend.

at the moment i'm just playing dumb like if nothing has happened.

i'll have to spend friday night with her though.

should i sleep with her for a last time or shoud i avoid sex altogether?

[Moon Riser]

i think i will avoid it incase she has any stds from her new lover.

[Sparkly Eyes]

i know .

i would have but i need to take out all my stuff from her house.

i will do so this saturday with the help of a friend.

at the moment i'm just playing dumb like if nothing has happened.

i'll have to spend friday night with her though.

should i sleep with her for a last time or shoud i avoid sex altogether?

 

So you are basically planning on not talking to her? or have sex first and then talk or just say goodbye forever(I think this is kinda jerkish)?

 

Go to her place, don't have sex, talk to her and if you decide to break up say that you need your stuff there and be done with it

[orangesoda]

i'm a smoker, have been for a while, I know the etiquettes about smoking, and I know the ways a cigarette can be used as a social tool (aka flirting). It's not a casual decision to just pick up smoking - and the fact that his GF suddenly picked it up when this guy moved into her place, in combination with the fact that she lies to her BF (the OP) about spending time with the guy (which involved drinking) - those are some really bad signs that this isn't some casual relationship. Add to that the fact that her attention to the BF suddenly nosedived, and suddenly shifted to this new guy...drastic changes in behavior, coupled with lying and deceit...those are the classic signs of a relationship in trouble.

[Moon Riser]

I just dumped her - I feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

 

I actually feel happy & releived. I won't have to worry anymore.

 

She sounded disappointed - but she will be alright with her new lover. if anything she should be feeling happy too.

 

To everyone out there follow your gut instincts. You'll be glad you did.

I have a hot date on Tuesday evening after work. Wish me luck !

[Moon Riser]

Many thanks to orange soda

[offplanet]

I think it's great you're going to dump her immediately on seeing the signs. So many people go into denial and hope for the best, then get strung along for a while before being devastated by the other person. You're very together to think this way. I hope she really regrets it, and I hope you find someone better very soon.

[alli]

I just dumped her - I feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

 

I actually feel happy & releived. I won't have to worry anymore.

 

She sounded disappointed - but she will be alright with her new lover. if anything she should be feeling happy too.

 

To everyone out there follow your gut instincts. You'll be glad you did.

I have a hot date on Tuesday evening after work. Wish me luck !

 

What about your stuff? Hope it wasn't anything too important because it might be difficult to get it back.

[angryanimator]

Wow, I was just reading this and it was so... dark. Reminded me of when my girlfriend cheated on me a few years back and trying to read the signs and not freak out.

 

But seeing how perfectly rationally and level-headed you dealt with it - as well as having a hot date! - has actually lifted my mood quite a bit. So congrats on getting rid of this girl who wasn't worth your time and good luck with the date!

[Moon Riser]

What about your stuff? Hope it wasn't anything too important because it might be difficult to get it back.

 

She will return it. Won't be a problem. If she doesn't return it I will upload our home movie which clearly shows her in the heat of the action

[Moon Riser]

I think it's great you're going to dump her immediately on seeing the signs. So many people go into denial and hope for the best, then get strung along for a while before being devastated by the other person. You're very together to think this way. I hope she really regrets it, and I hope you find someone better very soon.

 

I'm sure she will be fine. She sounded shocked because we had made plans for this weekend but I am sure she has her quality back up plan in the room below. hehe

 

I FEEL GREAT !!!!

[Moon Riser]

I think it's great you're going to dump her immediately on seeing the signs. So many people go into denial and hope for the best, then get strung along for a while before being devastated by the other person. You're very together to think this way. I hope she really regrets it, and I hope you find someone better very soon.

 

very true.

there is no point in talking this out and hoping for the best.

she will just accuse me of being jealous and of snooping.

so i just kept it vague: "our relationship isn't going anywhere, i have a very bad feeling about us"

 

i don't think she will regret it for now. she may regret it when her new b/f leaves but i'm sure she will find another turkey.

 

she broke up with her last boyfriend. according to her he was too jealous. i think he had plenty of reason to be jealous as he only saw her in the weekends. i'm not the jealous type. if i see something i don't like i get rid of them. my frame of mind is numero uno and i cannot afford to worry about things like this.

[alli]

 

I FEEL GREAT !!!!

 

I'm glad you took charge of this and didn't let her walk all over you while getting it on with some other guy because you "love her so much you can't break up with her" like so many other people who can't do what you did. But at the same time, don't try to pretend you don't feel any sadness about the breakup. You were with her for 6 months, so not a super-long time, but long enough that this breakup will mean an abrupt change in your life. It's hard. I know when I broke up with an ex, I really, really wanted it to happen. But I was suprised to find I felt a little depressed for a week or two. It's the death of a relationship.

 

There's this guy I work with that is getting a divorce. They got married young... he was 20 & she was 18 & they were married for 6 years. I was suprised to hear it because I guess I just didn't know they had problems. She initiated the breakup, but he said he was really happy about it because now he can go out whenever he wants with his buddies & all the money he earns will be his own. But still, it's just hard to believe a divorce is something that is a generally happy thing. He said he was happy, but I could tell he looked kinda depressed and didn't even eat lunch on our break.

 

I guess what I'm saying is, you should be relieved that you won't be played around now. But it's also ok to feel a little sad about what started out as a great relationship ending. You can hide it from her & everyone else but you don't have to hide it from yourself, if that is the case.

[Moon Riser]

Hi Alli, I see your point. I am saddened but for different reasons. Her parents and family are all really nice people and I will miss them. They always made me feel welcome. I will also lose some of her friends because it will be awkward to remain associated with her circle of friends. But as for her? nah. it takes more than 6 months to fall in love with someone. lack of respect and loyalty will refrain me from feeling sad by her loss. PS. I didn't get divorced. It was only 6 months and there was no future with her.

[Moon Riser]

but it does hurt to know that in a way she dumped me for a short summer fling. i'm just glad i saw it coming

[alli]

Hi Alli, I see your point. I am saddened but for different reasons. Her parents and family are all really nice people and I will miss them. They always made me feel welcome. I will also lose some of her friends because it will be awkward to remain associated with her circle of friends. But as for her? nah. it takes more than 6 months to fall in love with someone. lack of respect and loyalty will refrain me from feeling sad by her loss. PS. I didn't get divorced. It was only 6 months and there was no future with her.

 

Yeah, I know it's different to get divorced after 6 years compared to your case of dating for 6 months. It was just the only comparison that came to mind. I was just suprised he said he was happy about the divorce.. guess I didn't buy it.

 

Sounds like you're doing well. That's awesome!

[Moon Riser]

yep. all i have to do now is hide her facebook status from my home page and she will be out for good .