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To the parents out there, would you ever say these things in ear shot of your child?


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Hello Enotaloners,

 

I wanna talk to the parents out there. I'm 20 years old and I only have two siblings who are both twice my age, so in theory I was sort of like an only child at home. I use to envy my siblings because they had already grown up and left home and I was just left in misery at home. My Mum and Dad have NEVER, ever had a good marriage, sure they have periods together where they're happy but then when they start to argue (more my Mum doing the arguing) it becomes questionable.

 

I live in London but I travel back to my home town to visit my Mum and Dad when I can afford too. I don't just go home to see them; I go to see everyone and to be back in similar surroundings. I'd like to have thought that because I made the effort to travel home, my Mum would have the curtsey to NOT argue in ear shot of me, but I think I am asking to much there. The content of their argument is so hurtful, so painful that I would never want my kids (not that I have any) to hear.

 

My Mum has always been the one to start the argument, always makes a mountain out of a molehill, always craving sympathy etc .... MY Mum always calls me the "the most placid of the three".

 

My Mum raises her voice and it's obvious I can hear because I'm in the next room, she shouts and the bedroom window is open, so all the street can hear it. I hate it. I don't know if she's directly aiming her arguments at me so I purposely hear it or not.

 

She said to my Dad this evening "I'm not happy, there are days I want to go to sleep and never wake up ... I'm so unhappy". The most selfish thing to come out of her mouth this evening was "I have nothing to live for!" ... Err ... well what about your 3 children?? Two of whom have attended/intending university and one who has 3 beautiful children and a massive portfolio of self learned skills? Hmm.......???

 

My boyfriend no longer wishes to come and visit my parents with me and I don't blame him. It's not fair that he hears my Mum having a go at my Dad every single moment of the day. She has no people’s skills and is inconsiderate to think me or anyone else wants to hear her shouting.

 

Another quote from the argument towards my Dad "You're going to do anything until I'm carried out this house feet first and by then it will be too late to put things right". Would YOU as parents want your children despite their age want them to hear that kind of talk?? She keeps saying she’s unhappy and she doesn’t see any incentive to live. WHAT ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN! She’s so self absorbed and such an attention seeker that it’s hard to feel any sympathy for her. Even when I visit home she doesn’t do anything with me. I’ve made suggestions but she doesn’t listen.

 

My Mum before I was born attempted suicide by taking an overdose. I only know this because my brother confided it in me when I kept asking him why Mum is depressed all the time. I keep thinking about going home back to London and if it could be the last time I see my Mum alive again. Do you have any idea what that's like? My Mum doesn't know I know that and I really have no idea if she'd attempt it again.

 

I feel sorry for my Dad he lives with it day in, day out but they could never live without each other. It's a sad thing. I feel I'm responsible for my Mum's unhappiness because it only got worse when I moved to London to live with my boyfriend two years ago. Her relationship with my sister isn't ideal but it's more constructive with me and my brother. Although I get so angry at her silently.

 

She's not even family orientated. My nephews who are 5 & 7 are her hatred. She calls them "hateful little a********" not to their face though and she's willingly said that in front of my boyfriend. She's often insulted me too, called me fat, stupid, etc ... all in front of my boyfriend and she says it like it's okay.

 

I really don't know what to do. If she kills herself it will be me who was to blame because I left home. I don't know what to do. Her anger reflects on me badly and I feel I'm her sometimes and I never want to treat my boyfriend the way she treats my father. If I do, I'd expect him to leave.

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It seems as though you're really angry at her. That is understandable, but what I think you fail to understand is that she sounds severely depressed. She needs psychiatric help, and the more negativity there is around her rather than help and understanding, the worse she's going to get. It's not human nature to be so angry and yell all the time... we're not wired to always be angry... that's a major sign of depression. Screaming and yelling in a way isn't easily controlled with someone that deep into depression. I don't expect anyone to tip-toe around these people, but understanding and at least bringing this psychological problem to light is the first step. It's like being angry at a child with ADHD because he won't stop running around the house or because he won't do his homework... If they can't help doing it, no matter what pain and frustration it's causing to everyone around them, they can't help it and usually the only fix is psychiatric help and/or medication...

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Her suicide would never be your fault. Don't ever blame yourself for someone else wanting to die.

 

She sounds like a total drama queen and attention seeker. You don't have to let her make you feel miserable. What does your father say when she's not around? Do you ever have talks, just you and him? If I were you, I would tell my m other flat out that she is a miserable person and I can't stand the way she treats people, and that I don't want to be around her while she's acting like that. And that she should get help for her anger and depression. She might get mad and say hurtful things to you, but someone needs t tell her about herself. You don't need to walk on eggshells around her.

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My Mum before I was born attempted suicide by taking an overdose.

 

I think this is the most important piece of infor you give us because it tells us that your Mum has some serious stuff going on psychologically.

 

You need to stop thinking that her life should revolve around you and your siblings and understand that she has a lot of heavy stuff going on that helps her be like this. (I say help, not excuse...)

 

She needs psychiatric help.

 

You have a lot of anger towards her, and it's understandable but the best advice I can give is to not visit home so much, or when you do arrange to stay with someone else.

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I grew up with my mother saying : 'My life is empty and nothing is worthwhile', and that was usually followed by 'When you come back from school I'll be dead' ...

 

She was an alcoholic, and manic depressive. Amongst my older siblings and the rest of the family there was this 'law of silence'. I grew up hating her for all the mental and physical abuse I suffered. When I finally overcame my hatred and moved on (after she passed away) I realized I could and should have gotten her some help, no matter how difficult that would have been for everyone involved.

 

Most importantly, I realized my mother was only human, she had her flaws, she was far from being perfect, and that there was something eating her up inside that made her so unhappy and depressed with life. And it had nothing to do with me.

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I can relate. I have a brother who is 12 years older than me. He left home waaaay before me and is married with a 3 yr. old son. So I got left with my parents, and their arguments, in front of me. It sucks. I now live with my fiance and his parents, I'm still affected by the way I grew up but I now I have to move on to bigger and better things.

I am glad you are no longer living with your parents. It must be hard to visit them and witness their fights. It must suck your boyfriend doesn't want to be around your parents.

Hang in there, be happy that you're not living with them. Don't blame yourself if something happens to your mom. You are the only one who can make yourself happy and if your mom doesn't want to change and make things better for the family, that's her own fault. Good luck.

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Hello,

 

I just want to say that you seem like you are handling the situation well in spite of the obvious difficulty. You seem very together and it shows in your writing style and also the fact that you don't lash out at your mom in the same way.

 

It is unfortunate the a parent can be afflicted with depression for many reasons, probably starting in childhood. But you, your dad and your siblings are not the reason for her depression. Sometimes moms get depressed because they didn't do much with their own lives and instead married early and realized that there is no prince charming.

 

She might have thought your Dad was the answer. But he is human too, and in reality, no one can really take away someone else's depression.

 

But they stay together which means they love each other to some degree.

 

I know it is hard to hear those mean words by your mom. The only thing that can help is to understand the root of the problem, accept that you cannot change it, accept that there is shame (neighbors and boyfriend have to listen). And cope as gracefully as you already have been.

 

I am no expert at this in practice, but if you could strategize a way to visit your folks seperately. Like ask your Dad to lunch. Or just go shopping with your mom. But don't hang around the house with both of them there. Then maybe you won't have to hear their fights as often.

 

Take care.

divainpain

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