Is blood thicker than water?

[MGandV]

I am posting this here because the bottom line of all my threads have been about divorce.

 

My mother is sick and in the hospital right now. She has been going downhill for quite awhile now.

 

When I was going to college my mother got out a PLUS loan for me. Knowing that she may not be able to pay for it all herself I agreed that I would help pay it off. As time went by and it was about time to make payments my mother was not working anymore for certain reasons that were personal to her. So she had it deferred. I moved to over 1000 miles away to be with a girl I met online. She became my wife. In the meantime, my mother was having trouble keeping up with the loan and asked me to help out. I did for awhile until she started getting confused with the mailing and statements and such and then soon forgot what was going on with the loan. Trying to stay away from collection agencies because they intimidated her and they wouldn't talk to me because HER name was on the loan not mine, she soon begin to ignore phone calls and any way they could get a hold of her. Years go by and the loan ballooned to $20,000.00. No way could she make payments. Finally they began to call me about it. When I told my wife about the situation she got furious and flat out refuse to have me pay out any of the loan. To her it was my mother's responsibility not mine. And that she was being too damn lazy by not working. Then she would bring up her mother and how much she has done for us as opposed to mine. As the collection agency continued to hound my mother my siblings have become so angry with me that they pretty much disowned me as a brother. And because of that, my wife has pretty much been angry with them for trying to make me feel like I am the one responsible.

 

Years continue to go by and now money is being taken out of any income tax refunds and her social security. When that happens I get a phone call from one of my siblings telling me what is going on and when am I going to start paying back the loan. I tell my wife about it and we get into a huge fight over it because she still feels I should not pay any of it. One day I finally told her I was just going to pay whatever I can. Then she threatened that if I do then she will divorce me. That the money is ours for our family. Her father passes away leaving a decent amount of money to her and our kids. I thought, with that money we could help my mother with the loan. Once again another huge argument and fight. That money wasn't mine to decide on something like that. With that money we started to build a house. Then I get some money from my previous job after leaving. It was a little over $20,000. I thought "this is great! Perfect! I could pay the whole loan off and all the crap would finally be over." But I couldn't do anything with it without my spouses signature and "approval." I told my wife about the money and she said it would be a good supplement to the new house. When the collection agency called me I told them I could pay the whole thing off but I needed my wife's approval on what we were going to do with the money. So I brought it up saying what I wanted to do with the money she got furious at me once again claiming that we were getting low on money on the house and that it was supposed to go into the house. Well, it did. But in the meantime I had an albatross hanging on my neck and a wedge between me and my siblings.

 

This has been going on for years. Once again the loan has been brought up and my mother is sick and in the hospital. Other things have been brought to my attention concerning my mother and the things my siblings have been doing financially to take care of her. They are always trying to get me to help financially. Which i am willing to do but my wife and i get into a fight over it all the time making me feel like i need to choose between the family i have or my siblings and mother. I talked to my wife about it this time once again yesterday and she finally agreed to do something about the loan and with another issue that was brought up. I told my sister about it and she made a smart remark about what i said what we would do and pretty much slammed my wife about the whole thing again.

 

I am upset, angry, resentful, confused, and quite hurt by all this. I want to tell my wife that it is too late. After all those years of arguing and fighting with my siblings and my wife about something that she refused to allow me to do (she has always made more money than me) even though i felt it was right for me to do, I want to just say "this is the last straw...I want a divorce." My mother needed my help all these years and I Was not allowed to do much about it. I just don't know. What's more important my wife and kids or my mother and siblings? Because that is what this has turned into.

[metrogirl]

Bottom line, your mom took that loan out for you. It's your responsibility to pay it back.

[Catdancer]

You should have had the balls to stand up to youyr wife and take care of the huge debt that your mom took on FOR YOU! In essence, you let your mom down by going back on your word and not taking care of it, causing her additional problems. If I were your family, I'd be pissed off at you too. Espeiclly when you had the money years ago to take care of it. That's just really crappy. Oh and your wife seems like a controlling #$%!

[metrogirl]

I'm just wondering why your wife feels that it's not your responsibility to pay your debt? Because it ballooned to 20,000 dollars? Or just because paying your debt would take away from her obvious plans on how she wants to spend the money?

 

Your thread made me sad. I couldn't do my mom that way nor would I appreciate my children doing me like that.

 

Blood is always thicker than water. You will only ever have one mother.

[civilservant]

I think this is about more than you and your mother though, it's about how much your word actually means. You promised when the loan was taken out that you would contribute to its repayment and you haven't. Now whether this is because of your wife or whatever is besides the point, you should be standing up to her and doing the decent thing.

[MGandV]

What is sad is that my mother in her ignorance has always said my wife was always such a good wife for me. She adored her. My wife has always had a way of pointing things out to me that seemed to make since in her justification. Like my mother should have never ignored the letters or the phone calls. Or that she never once called on our kids' birthdays or sent cards or anything for holidays. Or that my siblings never call me for anything either except to ask about the loan in anger. They only reluctantly invite us to any holiday gatherings. Granted we have driven down or flown down many many times to visit. And only once did any of them do the same. And when they did, i was caught between them and my wife again. I miss my brothers and sisters and mother very much. I miss so much about them. I resent my wife so much, but I still feel responsible for where I am at in my life.

[metrogirl]

Your mom is likely up there in age? She may have been ignorant in ignoring the calls and letters from the collection agency but that would not have happened had you just paid the loan as agreed.

 

You need to try and make things right with your family and tell your wife that she needs to keep out of it.

[Catdancer]

No, what is so sad is that you're letting your wife lead you around by your johnson so much that you are estranged from the family that you miss and you resent your wife because of that estrangement.

 

Fix it. Pay off the loan. Apologize to your mother and siblings and be a part of their lives, without your wife if need be. You can be with your family without her.

[DN]

According to your previous threads you want a divorce anyway.

[MGandV]

Uhhh...yes, BUT...

 

I have never been completely on my own

I have three kids and I worry about their well being after such a thing

I worry about my wife and how she would be able to handle things and cope

It's not such an easy thing to deal with. So I am still "hanging on." Afraid of making a bigger mistake.

[MGandV]

metrogirl: my mother is 68 years old. Not "up there" as some would think. But she is diabetic and has other problems. Not to mention having to be a parent to two and sometimes three grandchildren for many of those years has brought on the aging process much quicker. But this was a PLUS loan in which she took out for me. Because I had been gone ever since the time started to make payments I rarely knew what was going on with the loan because all the letters and phone calls statements and such were only going to her. I remember making some payments but then I don't remember what happened after awhile that I stopped. But after I stopped things got really messed up and confusing to my mother. She didn't communicate with me what was going on with it until they started threatening her with taking her house from her and other things.

[DN]

Bottom line: if you owe her the money you should pay it back.

[MGandV]

I agree. This is something my wife has just finally agreed to do. But it has taken many many years to get to that without a battle and now my siblings feel what difference does it make now? It has already caused a lot of grief. It has to be done, but the damage is already done as well.

[metrogirl]

I agree. This is something my wife has just finally agreed to do. But it has taken many many years to get to that without a battle and now my siblings feel what difference does it make now? It has already caused a lot of grief. It has to be done, but the damage is already done as well.

 

But I'm confused as to why 'she agreed' to it has anything to do with it. The loan was taken out before your wife came into the picture, I'm assuming so what you should have done was handle that debt as you would a credit card. You aren't just going to stop paying your bills and debts because your wife says so right? They need to get paid and so you pay them and the same thing with the loan.

[MGandV]

Once again the loan was under my mother's name. SHE took the loan out. But it was to pay for my education. According to my wife her father and now mother are still paying for loans THEY took out for her to go to college. I am still paying for loans I took out myself. The loan payments didn't start until I left college. Now that I remember in this case I moved away but I went back to school to continue so my mother deferred it. It was time after that that the loan got screwed up because I had no control as to what was going on with the loan. This wasn't a bank loan. It was a federal college loan.

[metrogirl]

Once again the loan was under my mother's name. SHE took the loan out. But it was to pay for my education. According to my wife her father and now mother are still paying for loans THEY took out for her to go to college. I am still paying for loans I took out myself. The loan payments didn't start until I left college. Now that I remember in this case I moved away but I went back to school to continue so my mother deferred it. It was time after that that the loan got screwed up because I had no control as to what was going on with the loan. This wasn't a bank loan. It was a federal college loan.

 

I guess it's different when it's someone else's credit being destroyed and not yours.

[MGandV]

I guess it's different when it's someone else's credit being destroyed and not yours.

 

Uhhh...yeah it would be if you are sarcastically suggesting I don't give a damn about what it is doing to my mother. That is not the case and that was never the case. Loans get handed over to different debt collectors constantly. And when that happens information gets lost. Such was the case when I was in the middle of making payments. But like I keep saying and you don't seem to get is that when things like that have changed, I don't hear about it or know about it because the loan is still under my mother's name since it is a federal loan. And because of that I don't get the letters if there is any, nor do I get the phone calls. SHE does. And because my mother isn't "always there" she doesn't always understand what is going on herself. I have said many times I don't have information about the loan that she needs to to tell me the information. But she gets confused and can't seem to tell me what I need to know.

 

Bottom line is I know I need to pay it back. I have always wanted to pay it back. I have made some efforts to pay it back but information down the road gets lost and changed over. But this is one of those things where I shouldn't have had to argue and fight my wife time after time over this. It should have been understood from the very beginning that my mother needed my help. That as my wife, it should had just been understood.

[Catdancer]

I shouldn't have had to argue and fight my wife time after time over this. It should have been understood from the very beginning that my mother needed my help. That as my wife, it should had just been understood.

 

Exactly! When it comes to our parents or our children, my partner and I never hesitate, whether it's money, a car ride, anything!

[Dako]

MGandV

 

You certainly seem like a candidate for a major life change.

 

I'd ask your mom to grant power of attorney, and fill out the free forms and pay a notary. After that, you can deal with the bank directly and resolve the loan.

Then find a studio apartment near work.

 

Seriously.