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dying71
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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Not sure but when to end it, maybe Thanksgiving or Christmas, if I make it that long. Each day even though trying to stay busy and think of good things, positive thoughts, etc.... All the anger, sadness, and despair comes back, and will not leave.

Life truly sucks for me. At this point in my life, I feel like a complete failure, and know I should be doing better. And being alone even complicates things even more. I was thinking about just a gunshot to the head, but could mess that up. Still debating drug OD in a pool. I dont know, just want out.

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Please please do not do this to yourself....

 

I know things can seem so hard in life sometimes and it feels like there is nowhere else left to turn but you have people who care for you. I am here not that we have talked before but if you want a friend I'm all ears...

 

Please don't despair.

 

x

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What is it about your life that you are not happy with? I know it seems impossible and hopeless but YOU CAN make a change for the good. I was in a very bad place just this past October, alone - no family, dumped by my long term bf and broke but I finally got help and talked to someone and I have to say looking back, I am not that same person. I feel now there is a purpose to my life, and you can do the same thing. Perhaps if you expressed exactly what it is you're not happy about then we can take the steps to see what you can do to find that happy place. Suicide is not the answer...so many people love you , some of which you may not even know.

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I feel that way too. Sometimes I feel like booking a condo (as a Real-Estate agent) and jumping down on it, but it's only fantasy. However, I've come to believe that once you kill yourself, you can't un-do such a mistake, and you might find yourself in hell, burning with fire, ugly monsters. I cant imagine sheer horror or pain and terror and not being able to do anything about it -- eternally. I had a taste of this when I had sleep paralysis and it was the most terrorising experience I had.

 

Let me tell you a story. One night I had sleep paralysis (which is like a death experience while you are sleeping - sometimes people die directly from shock during sleep paralysis). I believed there was a monster attacking me in my bed. I yelled out a shriek of horror that gave my mother goose-bumps in the next room (and my dad) and had my mom on nervous convulsions in hearing the sheer terror of that scream.

Whatever I experienced seemed real. If such a dimension of terror exists, and if suicide is the door-way for horrific place, then you want to stay as far away from that door as possible as much as you can humanly help it.

 

I think there are entities out there that want to hurt us, but because we are alive, we are shielded from those entitites because they are in a 'supernatural dimension'. If we are in a semi-sleep state, you may encounter them while sleeping. There are some spiritual monsters (i.e. demons), that I think you'll encounter first hand if you kill yourself. They will tie you up in chains and will drag you to hell, and again, you are powerless, since you took your own life and died in your sins. So, since I've experienced this near-death experience in my sleep, I am just happy I'm in this physical dimension, and don't want to go to any dark supernatural dimension that happens when you kill yourself. I want to make sure I go to heaven if anything and stay in the path of faith.

 

So, stay alive. Do not lose faith. Call on Jesus.

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I believe in God, but not prayer. My prayers are never answered. One reason why I am feeling the way I am. And if God could make Eve for Adam, he could make someone for me.

 

My life has always sucked, only child, parents would not have me a sibling. Poor relationship and mental abuse by dad. Alcoholism by dad.

 

My life story is a f*** up. I have had opportunites to do great things, but outside forces keep taking those chances. Now the prospect of being alone the rest of my life, slaving away a a job I do not like, not ever having a family.. Why go on.

 

At my age, almost 40, come one, its really hard to find a good friend, people are too busy being adults, they have their own problems, and families to deal with.

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I feel your pain I really do.

 

You can talk to me anytime I don't mind. Just because you are nearly 40 does not mean life has passed you by just that sadness has factored as in most of our lives.

 

Good can always come out of bad things just hard to see it through the fog of despair.

 

 

 

 

 

I believe in God, but not prayer. My prayers are never answered. One reason why I am feeling the way I am. And if God could make Eve for Adam, he could make someone for me.

 

My life has always sucked, only child, parents would not have me a sibling. Poor relationship and mental abuse by dad. Alcoholism by dad.

 

My life story is a f*** up. I have had opportunites to do great things, but outside forces keep taking those chances. Now the prospect of being alone the rest of my life, slaving away a a job I do not like, not ever having a family.. Why go on.

 

At my age, almost 40, come one, its really hard to find a good friend, people are too busy being adults, they have their own problems, and families to deal with.

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What I say is in stark contrast to what you'd likely hear on this forum;

 

I feel almost the same way... I'm still depressed almost all the time. I have dreams that almost nobody encourages and horrible luck with them, I have hopes that end up laughing in my face, I try and try and nothing works, I epic fail a lot of things your average 12 year old can do, and have on one or more occasion, wanted to give up my life and find a way to kill myself. However, if there's one thing I've learned about life and death in my epic fail abortion of living a life, here's what I've learned... no matter what belief system/religion is right, one thing is for certain... we all die in this form one day. There is a simple choice though; are you gonna die on your knees and/or keeled up in a corner, or are you gonna die on your feet?

 

You wanna know the secret to life? I've found the true secret to life is that it isn't that grand. At the very least... it's not all it's cracked up to be. The only way to change this is to find something/someone you love and go for it (so long you don't impose your will upon that thing/person). It's your choice... I used to opt to die on my knees at the mercy of whatever celestial oppressors love seeing me suffer, but now I want to die on my feet... preferably with a smirk on my face knowing I at least put up a fight.

 

I hope you reconsider... "do what thou wilt, lest ye harm none" but remember, you're not alone at all.

 

Not trying to drill sergent you either... I just epic failed singing a song I LOVE, and need to motivate myself to keep trying and not let my failures bring me back to what I'm fighting not to turn back into.

 

Take it easy.

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I believe in God, but not prayer. My prayers are never answered. One reason why I am feeling the way I am. And if God could make Eve for Adam, he could make someone for me.

 

Neither are my prayers, so that makes two of us. I can tell you that I paid tithes and offerings, trusted God to bless my business, and I have got nothing and feel like I'm falling through the cracks and God doesn't care about me either and that God is playing mind-games. I could say that too.

 

For example, I've prayed for 7 months to make a deal and just keep getting bad luck. However, rather than committing suicide, I'm just going to change offices, and maybe look for another job. Maybe I'm just jinyxed at that office, or am in the wrong career, who knows?

 

So, before you think you are the only one that thinks God is not answering your prayers and want to do something that's rebellious to God, then you are not alone there. However, that doesn't change the fact there is a dimension of terror out there that you want to stay away from.

 

The key is trying to find a constructive solution for a problem that is on the level of the problem itself.

 

 

My life has always sucked, only child, parents would not have me a sibling. Poor relationship and mental abuse by dad. Alcoholism by dad.

 

I am an only child too. I can't relate with your father, but my dad here is a dead-beat that drains money from this family.

 

I relegate the father aspect to others on here to help you. But I am an only child.

 

My life story is a f*** up. I have had opportunites to do great things, but outside forces keep taking those chances. Now the prospect of being alone the rest of my life, slaving away a a job I do not like, not ever having a family.. Why go on.

 

Same here. Right now, like you I'm 33 y/o and have virtually nothing to fall back on. I'm intelligent, but am stuck in a career where I'm not making money and I just broke up with my gf and also have no-one. Nobody cares at my church to even do business with me.

 

You know, I have a fleshlight in my basement which I intend to use in the fall, and have a controlled system of looking at porn on various intervals of the year. You know why I do that. Because like you, I'm unhappy with my life and with God for not providing me a mate either -- but what does suicide have to do with rebelling against God for not providing you a mate? You can buy a fleshlight intead --- that form of rebellion is good enough -- because you are saying -- I'll flaunt all your commandments about "lust" because you didn't provide me a mate --- I'll use a fleshlight and look at porn on occasion -- see that deals with it at that level. Taking your life -- does not deal with it at the same level. What's a stupid way of rebelling because you just end up in hell. What does ending your life have to do with the fact you are not getting sex..... take my word for it -- a fleshlight works well.

 

At my age, almost 40, come one, its really hard to find a good friend, people are too busy being adults, they have their own problems, and families to deal with.

 

Right, and I spend all my time on the internet watching docs on youtube and listening to music. I'm adapted to the fact I don't have friends because you can't trust people anyway, they are all phonies. Who needs friends right?

 

Relax, you'll be fine, don't kill yourself, find ways of expressing yourself sexually if you are just not getting laid.

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Its not about that. Getting laid and having sex is not the problem. I do not want to be the old man hitting on young women and getting laid. Being in committed relationship is cool.. Killing myself is not rebelling against God, its just the final answer to stop the pain and suffering. My life has been so complicated, and the failures are not do to not trying or having the ability, sometimes it is a race issue or whatever... There is always this force stopping my progression.

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Its not about that. Getting laid and having sex is not the problem. I do not want to be the old man hitting on young women and getting laid. Being in committed relationship is cool.. Killing myself is not rebelling against God, its just the final answer to stop the pain and suffering. My life has been so complicated, and the failures are not do to not trying or having the ability, sometimes it is a race issue or whatever... There is always this force stopping my progression.

 

It may be a final answer, but do you REALLY wanna go out like that? If you kill yourself, you'll only let those forces over-power over you; if one stands back up after being knocked down by them, that's pretty impressive in my mind... even if they end up losing the war. I'm truly sorry you're in so much pain though, and hope that things will soon get better for you.

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Sounds like you are looking for something a bit more fufilling out of life. Have you considered going back to school to help get into a career you will actually enjoy, going and working with the peace corps, or going on mission trips or something (community service?)?

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Killing myself is not rebelling against God, its just the final answer to stop the pain and suffering.

 

In a sense you have to become an atheist and believe there is no God to kill yourself. The Bible says "Thou shalt not kill". That means you can not kill yourself. As you know, any sin is a rebellion against God's commandments.

 

Unlike most sins, you can repent and seek forgiveness, but that only applies to this life. However, if you kill yourself, you can't repent or seek forgiveness for that grave sin, because you are already dead. That has to be an extreme form of rebellion because you've fix it so that you can't even get right with God about it afterwards as that can only be done in this life.

 

Furthermore, you are not putting your trust in God, or seeking out a godly resolution to your problem -- I'd say that suicide is an act of rebellion as it shows you have no confidence that God is present or can work out what problem that you have.

 

My life has been so complicated, and the failures are not do to not trying or having the ability, sometimes it is a race issue or whatever... There is always this force stopping my progression.

 

I feel the same way too. Everytime I'm close to a deal something happens, and I don't make a deal.

 

With me -- suicide is a fantasy thought here because I may think that I want to die, but will never do anything about carrying it out -- but I may do stuff indirectly that may increase the risk of dying -- such as eating junk food, or ice-cream (i.e. for example, too much sugar foods can lead to type ii diebeties, some ice-cream is not properly inspected, which can lead to death), or want to have sex with a prostitute (i.e. so I'll catch AID's and eventually die within seven or more years, etc... -- long suicide).

 

So, that just means that one may engage in riskier behaviours such as eating the wrong food and gaining some weight (which again increases the risks of all sorts of stuff happening). You've got ski-diving excercises, flight school lessons, mountain climbing, or adventures that are out there where you put your life at risk having fun. My tendency is usually to engage in riskier behaviour. But I would just forget about this suicide idea. I mean, these other activities are fun, and lots of people do them. There are many ways of finding a fun activity to do to find escape in your life rather than ending your life.

 

Ironically, when I think of it, and the sleep paralysis I have, I actually start getting scared of the thought of dying, and I'm sure you would too. Now I'm not suggesting you engage in riskier behaviour -- but I'm just think sometimes everyone behaves wrecklessly to seek out an escape - but it doesn't have to end up with losing your life like that.

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well all these drawbacks have been going on since I was in high school. And it is now just old.

 

Are you saying you have tried before? As in, you have liver, brain, or multiple organ damage from a failed OD attempt? (most fail)

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God can change it, but he has not. So why waste time praying. God had a master plan since beginning of time, and if it is not in his plan, no amount of praying will make it happen.

Many people believe in God and pray for things everyday, yet they do not receive. The world is at war, people are dying, starving, and in pain. Many of them pray yet, does God give them relief. NOT.. God will forgive sins, but will he keep forgiving them when you knowingly commit them. The bible also says you have to accept Jesus as your savior, that is the way to salvation. Not following the commandments, cause man is born of sin, and will always sin. "Taking thy own life is not a commandment."

 

Yes I believe God is present, but he does not treat everybody the same. IF that was the case everyone would be the same. That would be fair. Yet he gives some people special gifts like Lebron James, Bradd Pitt,Paris Hilton and the list goes on and on. Yet he puts others where their life is in shambles, bad looks, low intllelligence, abusive upbringings. So God treats some people better, and all the people with serious issues are supposed to believe prayer will give them what they ask for. NOT.

 

I used to pray all the time, not even use curse words, and this was in my twenties, go to church, got my mother involved in church, and this is my repayment... Pain and suffering.

 

To not be on the topic of religion, but there are numerous religions, and all the books were written and edited by men, which are born of sin. So what is real. The Book of Enoch, the only man that was so right in God's eyes, he took him into heaven while he was alive. Yet his words are not in our English bibles, but is in the Ethopiaian bible.

So the purest man to walk with God is not recognized, yet all the disciples are recognized, and they were no where as Godly as Enoch.

 

As for my problems, God could work them out in a snap if he so chooses, but he does not choose to do it, plain and simple.

And as committing suicide, what makes it a sin, if you do it quick by putting a bullet in your head versus eating high saturated fatty foods until you die of a heart attack. One death is fast the other is slow. Bottom line is you are killing yourself. You don't have to eat McDonalds's and Little Debbies, you can eat fruits, vegetables, and lean meat. Remember the body is thy temple. The rules for eating were in Leviticus.

Suicide is a technical term, when you get to the bottom of it.

 

Also since any sin is rebellion against, God and you keep doing them, they why would you believe you will keep being forgiven. So this give people the freedom to commit all sorts of sins over and over, and as long as they ask for fogiveness, its all good. I don't think it works that way.

 

Activities are not fun, especially when you do them alone, and you see people around you having fun with others. Thats not fun in my book, that would be depressing.

 

 

I have tried to be happy, and say things are going to workout, and have back up plans. They keep failing, it was easier when I was younger, because I was young, and I felt like I had a lot of time left. However, since I am alot older, its just a fact I have less time now, cause no one lives forever. Thats my point, it sometimes is easier to deal with when you are younger, cause you much more to look forward to then when you are older.

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If belief in a god is leading you down this path of pain and questioning life to such an extend that you want to end yours, I would seriously consider why you believe what you do.

 

Plans fail because that is just life. If you try to go by a master plan, and will only be upset when your life ends differently, then expect to be depressed. It is like saying: "These rocks will always look the same no matter how many years they spend in the river"... it is just not so. Life is change. You need to learn how go with the flow as they say. You are where you are now. Just do something to improve your life, work hard, enjoy it, and see where it takes you.

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And as committing suicide, what makes it a sin, if you do it quick by putting a bullet in your head versus eating high saturated fatty foods until you die of a heart attack. One death is fast the other is slow.

 

Slow suicides over time allow you to THINK about what you are doing and change your mind. The hope is that the person will change their mind and stop that course of action, or see the value in their lives by being able to enjoy different types of food, which you can't enjoy if you are dead.

 

In hell, a rich man asked Lazarus to tip his finger in water and put it on his mouth to relieve him from pain. Good news -- you are not in hell. You can have a glass of water. Don't take such things for granted if you'll spend an eternity without water in hell-fire.

 

Best thing is to be right with God so you know you are not going to hell -- but if you commit suicide - you better be sure you know where you are going.

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Has God spoken to you? Did he send an angel to talk to you? No matter how long a suicide is, you are still killing yourself, so it is still a sin.

 

Yes plans fail in life. But it should not fail most of the time. Assuming someone has a certain amount of failures, and another person has the same amount of failures, but is twice as old, they will have more failures.

 

Life changes, but it is not always for the better. Its not a fairy tale, I am not Prince Charming or Cinderella. Working hard has not improved life, so maybe it would be better to just be a bum. If it was that simple, everyone including myself would be happier.

 

And remember if you have a stroke, and become a vegetable, you will not be able to ask God for forgiveness, and hence you will still burn in hell for committing suicide.

 

How can you do things to improve your life, if the things that improve your life or make you happy, are always taken away from you.

 

So suicide by cop, is not really suicide. All you have to do is ask God for forgiveness, then start shooting a gun in the city, and then point it a cop, and they shoot you dead.....interesting. Dead not by suicide, but killed.

 

You can only believe you are right with God, so you never know. It would be different if he spoke to you every day and let us know if we are right with him or not.

 

As for trying to commit suicide, I have not, cause I know there is a risk for failure. You have to have it all planned to perfection, or else you risk screwing your life up more. Especially all the traditional ways. I guess I could always go to a snake farm, and jump in with some poisonous snakes.

 

Just doing things to improve your life, does not always work. I have tried numerous meds and they only made things worse. Everyone does not respond well to drugs. And drugs that could be helpful and not legal for things like depression. I am not an idiot, I have researched alot of this crap. And I am one of the rare side effects of anti-depressants, and get serious suicidal and homicidal tendencies. So that will not help me.

Also, trying to get help for things like that will screw up your career goals, 99% of the time when they find out. I been through all that crap.

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I would not normally do this writing about my own traumas but I am hoping this helps so here goes:

 

I had a life with a husband who I loved so deeply and the 2 most precious girls (my cats Dana and Cookie)

 

Short version my husband left me for a young girl and did this when I had to have a hysterectomy (He could never have children but I stayed with him as I loved him so much).. leaving me at 37 years old not only without children or the hope now of ever having them but without a home or my 2 so loved cats... I am broken but I will not go down the path of suicide no matter how bad this is getting or how much pain I am suffering as that would be giving in. I could say god has taken everything I have ever wanted and loved in this world but what good would it do to dwell.. I cry and even today but I am still here as are you..

 

Please do not give up I am here and I understand and if I can help you I will and if I could take your pain I would surely add it to my own.

 

There are good people in this world as well as all the beauty to behold within nature you just need to look really hard.

 

x x

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You know, there are other ways to help yourself besides going on medications. Although, I wouldn't rule that out too quickly.

 

Here is why:

Over a year ago I was eventually hospitalized after about two weeks of little to no sleep, hardly eating, and going. by most standards.. insane. I was misdiagnosed, and put on Prozac (an SSRI or antidepressent). It gave me hell. Made the problem worse for sure. Eventually, I was seeing myself dead in horrific ways about every 5 minutes. After that I tried Topomax (a mood stabalizer/ antiseizure medication). I don't know if it helped mentally but it had horrible physical side effects. I had to go off of it. Gave up on medications.

 

The following year, I spent a semester hypomanic and ended up in a relationship with a sociopath who enjoyed giving me as many bruises as he could all because the "mania" made me hypersexual. Long story.. cutting lots of stuff out. Eventually I fell into a deep depression and tried to overdose 3 times on sleeping pills. First day took 15, next 20, the next 25 (I didn't want to vomit them back up if I took too many). Depression held on and got worse. I just about stopped getting out of bed. For over a month.

 

Started taking a new medication called Lamictal (a mood stabalizer to treat bipolar depression) and oh boooooy has it helped. As the dosage went up, I became less and less inclined to post in my own suicide thread on this board etc. I lead a normal life right now and feel no need to kill myself. I have been suicidal off an on for the past 9 years.

 

Pills can be horrible but if you find the right one, so so helpful.

 

BUT, there are other things you can do. Start taking better care of your body for one. Getting out and going on a walk to clear your head. Try to join some social group to get you around new people. Look and see if there is another job you would enjoy more and work towards it.

 

Saying "hard work gets you nowhere and doesn't make things better, so I am just going to sit on my ass and be depressed because it is just as good" .. is a cop out. If you are going to go down, go down with guns blazing and put in a serious effort.

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I am not copping out. I had sleep problems like 8 years ago, and was in severe sleep deprevation. Dumb ass doctors put me on anti-depressants to make me sleep, then before you know it I was going crazy and being depressed. Hence taking all those drugs and becoming depressed became a medical condition, where in my line of work, for the government, limits me, I cannot get the jobs now and move on because of being treated for depression. Its not that easy.

 

 

The doctors gave me one drug that almost put me in a coma. Yes, and all the stuff you used, none of that worked for me, including about another 9 drugs.So I have been down that dead end.

 

Yeah go down with guns blazing and take some down with me that did other things to destroy a good career record.

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Another set back, as usual.. Looks like I wont be going back to school... they want to screw me. have not talked to here. life sucks. each day is worse.

 

So, you are planning to do a colombine thing -- you said you want to go and take others with you? You know how that is going to end up. You are not going to change a system by doing something like that.

 

What you ought to do is hit them on the pocket instead. That's making a bigger impact. Try suing the school for a million dollars or something. Just take them to court or look for a lawyer if something went wrong.

 

That is what I'm talking about. You have to deal with things in their own level. They'll lose more money on legal fees defending themselves, bad publicity, and potentially making a big pay-out to you. They won't be losing money if you go on a gun rampage, so you won't be hitting them where it really counts.

 

I say, if you want to make a statement, start a lawsuit. Sue them for millions of dollars.

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