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I need help and advice


BrokenT

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I am totally new to this forum and I am completely heart broken. Today is my 2 year wedding anniversary and I found out two days earlier that my wife has not been faithful. She has been kissing a guy from work and the two of them came home early one day and slept on my couch together and ‘made-out’ but she insists they never had sex.

 

I sensed there was something wrong as soon as she started talking to this guy and I confronted her about it and her unusual closeness with him several times but she insisted that there was nothing going on and that they were just close friends. I decided to take matters into my own hands and snoop around from time to time, what I found was that she had been sending lots of text messages and spending time on Facebook chatting with him. She set times at night on occasion when they could chat and every time when confronted denied anything I was saying and told me I was acting crazy. Over the 4th of July weekend I noticed she had been texting him very often and I confronted her because she was supposed to be spending time with me while we were away visiting relatives. She again insisted on July 5th that there was nothing going on and that they were just close. We drove home that day and I checked her e-mail sent files and there was an e-mail she had written for him but did not send yet (sent to herself to save) and it was a long letter about how she loves him and wants nothing more than to be with him. I asked her one more time very calmly and she denied anything then I showed her the e-mail and she finally confessed.

 

The anger I felt and the sorrow and heart break that I know feel is unbearable. I was everything she ever needed in a husband, I cooked her meals, I cleaned our house, I provided financial stability, and I loved her with everything I had and made sure she knew it every day. My anger has turned to sadness and my heart break today is incredibly overwhelming. I asked her to stay at her friends house for a few days which she was fine with (turns out she’d been looking at apartments) and we agreed to keep in touch and try to work things out if that’s what we both wanted. She agrees she needs counseling about her personal problems and I at this point am willing to do the same. I just feel like I’ve bent over backwards to support her with my love and now I feel like I should bend just a little bit more, but my trust is destroyed and my life is in shambles.

 

I can’t sleep, eat or work anymore and every thought is of her and this relationship and how bad I want it to be right. Today is especially hard for me and it’s taking everything inside of me not to call her at work and beg her to come home. Really, she should be doing that and she should be begging for my forgiveness and telling me that she is willing to do anything she can to save our marriage. But she isn’t, she isn’t expressing her emotions and she isn’t trying to win me back. I’m not surprised but that’s what I want her to do.

 

I need to know if anyone has an opinion on what to do about this infidelity? I can’t even set foot in the room or look at the couch where they slept all cuddled up while I was at work trying to make dinner plans for us to go out that night. I cry when I think about all the lies I was told and the ease at which she went on with this. I am physically ill knowing that this guy was in my house for a little work get together she had (possibly at the start of their fling) and that I was there trying to be nice to this guy for her sake knowing I didn’t like anything about him. I feel so alone and disrespected and the only person who can help it feel any better caused this pain. Please help me.

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No more mister nice guy with this unrepentant liar and cheater. She has no remorse so perhaps it is now time to play hard ball with her. In other words, start talking to a lawyer about filing for divorce and then serve her with papers. Yes, it is easy for me to say...you still love her..but could you ever really trust her again. She completely and totally disrespected you..not only did she cheat (and given that she is a proven liar and deceiver I would guess they did indeed have sex together), but she cheated in YOUR home on YOUR sofa..that's just beyond unforgiveable. She has been looking for apartments...let her...tell her to have a nice life. You need to show this woman that you are tough, strong and won't put up with an unrepentant liar and cheater. Tell her she is welcome to this guy and you wash your hands of her. For your own dignity, self respect and self-esteem you need to kick her to the curb like the trash she has proven herself to be.

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You seem like a mature, put together man. You certainly don't deserve such a disrespectful, lying cheat of a wife like her. You two had vows, and she is committing adultery. Even worse, when she was caught, she felt absolutely no remorse! Talk about an immoral woman.

 

Not too long ago - last weekend - I made a thread in this same forum when I found out my ex has been cheating with his ex on me the entire time we've been dating. You've done nothing wrong, in fact, you've done everything right. This is not the type of marriage you deserve and you know that. Do what's best, dump the divorce papers on the table and the faster you can break off such a poisonous marriage the faster you can find the woman who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

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she should be begging for my forgiveness and telling me that she is willing to do anything she can to save our marriage. But she isn’t, she isn’t expressing her emotions and she isn’t trying to win me back.

 

Read this line you wrote every hour of the day. It speaks volumes.

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Well bro you are not going to like what I have to say but Ill say it. You are a doormat. You cook her meals, you love her to death, you always put her first, you look at her with puppy dog eyes while she lies flat to your face (and you know shes doing it) and you said yes dear.

 

You should have put your foot down when you first knew there was something odd going on. But you didnt, so she did two things, she lost respect for you. And secondly she started to develope feelings for another guy. Both of these situations feed on each other.

 

You confronted your wife, and said hey take a hike for a few days, and from what you said... it sounds like she jumped at the idea. Without being there to see this situation with my own eyes, I have to guess that your marriage is over. It just doesnt sound to me that she has done, or shown ANYTHING AT ALL to show that shes sorry, remorseful, or worthy of a second chance.

 

I would be filing for divorce if I were you.

 

However, Ill assume that due to your devotion to her, you are not ready to take that leap just yet. In which case your M.O. should be to call her up and tell her flat out that you are done with her lying cheating ways, and if she wants any shot of you taking her back EVER that she had better start doing a few things. Starting with, this guy is gone. No more emails, no more calls, no more talks, nothing, no more, never again... pretend he spontaneously combusted and doesnt even exist anymore. I dont care if she has to get a new job for this to take place, thats what you demand of her, if she is going to be blessed enough to continue calling you her husband. Secondly, you dont put up with crazy nonsense like her being 'very close' to another guy ever again. A casual friendship is one thing, but she has crossed that line and violated your trust. There is a price to be paid for that by her for doing so. That price is a loss of trust, and for her to get it back she has to make sacrafices. That means when you have a 'feeling' about some guy... she has got to honor your feelings and back away from said guy, or stop talking to him altogether.

Quit being a doormat, be a man. You will probably view what Im saying as being a little bit mean to her... but thats what it will take... and I KNOW she will respect that more than a guy who can sit there and say 'ok baby' when she obviously lies to his face about cheating.

 

PM me if you have any questions, or want to talk about this more... Ive been down this E X A C T same road before.... and Ill never do that again.

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God do you know how many women out there would love to find a man like you and who would love and treat you the same way that you do????? You deserve that and not to be abused and cheated on by someone who WILL do it again!

 

Trust me I am going through the same thing, I am a bit further along the process though. My ex (of 10 years) and two children was cheating on me too. He promised no more lies etc, that there would be no more contact. I was checking his phone though all the time looking for signs and of course he was still in contact still lying etc. The point is I HATED how I was acting I felt sick every day, I had to take time off work as I was that bad.. Its a horrible place to be but trust me its gets better.

 

I used to hate driving by the place I knew they would see each other and I would torture myself thinking about them together. But now they are welcome to each other. I dont deserve that and I am alot better than that!

 

You are alot better off too, I know it does not seem that way now but once a cheater alwasy a cheater and the fact she only confessed with she was caught speaks for itself..

 

You wont be happy even if she does come back to you becuase its for all the wrong reasons and you will always be wondering and looking over your shoulder!

 

Sorry if its blunt but I wish people were blunt with me from the beginning. Dont waste your life on someone who does not deserve your love or tears!

 

Stay strong x

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I'm very very sorry to hear what has happened to you. You've been wonderful to her, and she hasn't appreciated what she had. I hope it doesn't work out for her and the other guy, but I hope also you don't let her back. I can understand you might not feel you have it in you to immediately start divorce proceedings. You must be still reeling from the shock and hurt. But please don't beg her to come back, or beg her anything at all. That would only be an invitation to her to abuse your love even more, and would be a message to her that she can do anything and you will still want her, ie. license to be unfaithful.

 

I really don't think you could be happy with her again, but at the same time, I feel your feelings are too raw to be able to treat her the way she deserves, with cold contempt and rejection. I just encourage you to seek comfort and support from family or friends, and resist 'crawling' to her, which would be demeaning, and would invite further abuse. All the best. Will be thinking of you.

offplanet

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