Would you forgive your cousin if they said this to you?

[Qut81]

I am going thru a ruff time right now. My cousin told our friend before me that her and her childs father were getting married. I admit, this is very petty but my feelings were hurt. I felt like I didnt mean anything to her and whoever you tell something that major too first is the person you care most about. I know, its petty.

 

Anyway, bc this is such a petty thing I havent said anything to her. I was still angry and it was building up.

 

I sent her a message one day asking when they were going to finalize their marriage. (They were doing a court marriage and in our state there are requirements before you actually get a perm marriage license) she didnt respond. I got pissed but didnt say anything til the next day in hopes I would be more calm. So the next day I texted her and said "It seems you dont want to tell me things anymore but anyway have a great 4th of July" I didnt mean that in a mean way or anything, I was just letting her know that I ackowledged she didnt want to talk to me about it. Well she wrote back "What the hell is your prob and what are you talking about? Your mood swings are out of control" I do not have mood swings, only during that time of the month. So that pissed me off. I called her and said I was picking up my key and since my mood swings are too much for her we dont have to talk anymore. Then she said I was overreacting and thats why I dont have friends and I cant keep a bf bc I overreact. I said "I have more friends than you do" Which is true. I really wanted to say Id rather be alone than have a bf that cheats on me all the time but I was really emotional at this point. When I am like that I am ready to cut ties. I dont care. Anyway we made up and she says we are family and have to stick together, blah blah. But Im still VERY upset. I pretend everything is fine but Im more of a forgive but never forget type person. I am trying to work on that though.

 

So would you forgive someone for saying this? Even if its true I am so insulted. Who is she to tell me about what I have wrong with me? Her own life is screwed up. She needs to clean up her own backyard before she says anything about mine.

[ProtestTheHero]

I think the more appropriate question is whether or not she should forgive you. I don't understand why it's important who she told before you, since the day is about her and her husband. Cousins are kinda iffy on the pecking order about stuff like that, I know since I have about 8.

 

She could have easily missed your text (I miss mine constantly), and then all of a sudden she sees the one you sent about not wanting to tell you things (which is something I wouldn't have done because it's a pretty big assumption). Picking up your key just escalated it even more and saying "we don't have to talk anymore" is a little dramatic.

 

Yeah, I'd forgive my cousin, but then again I wouldn't have been upset to begin with. I don't know your situation, but I think this was an overreaction.

[anya1607307555]

I would apologise to her. If a relationship with her is important to you, you need to work on communicating better with her. Talk to her about your hurt feelings.

[Qut81]

I would apologise to her. If a relationship with her is important to you, you need to work on communicating better with her. Talk to her about your hurt feelings.

 

Yea I apologized. I get very distructive when Im depressed. I usually push the ppl who care about me the most away. Im trying to work on this but i have so many faults I have to concentrate on one at a time.

 

I am just still upset about her comments, "thats why I dont have a bf or friends." That was cruel.

[anya1607307555]

We can all say hurtful things when emotional, not right maybe but only you will know if you can put it behind you. Do you want to discuss things with her? If there's will there's a way.

 

If the relationship in general causes you a lot of pain, keeping a civil distance may be necessary and is perfectly acceptable.

[savignon]

Well, you are definitely judging her and her life and making comments on how she does things and in the order she does them while at the same time feeling personally attacked when she does the same thing.

I am getting married soon and anytime someone's reaction wasn't a happy "congratulations" I figured the issue was more theirs than mine or when I told them or anything having to do with me. Your reaction to her good news was to take a dig at her and she responded in kind. (In other words, you started it)

It sounds like you're ready to work on the issues that are yours and that will need to include taking responsibility for your part in things.

[savignon]

Your question was "would you forgive your cousin"? If I were you, yes. If I were her, I'd probably forgive you but try to make you aware that your attitude has something to do with where you land on my speed-dial. It sounds like she tried to point that out to you, although not very tactfully.

[Qut81]

Well, you are definitely judging her and her life and making comments on how she does things and in the order she does them while at the same time feeling personally attacked when she does the same thing.

I am getting married soon and anytime someone's reaction wasn't a happy "congratulations" I figured the issue was more theirs than mine or when I told them or anything having to do with me. Your reaction to her good news was to take a dig at her and she responded in kind. (In other words, you started it)

It sounds like you're ready to work on the issues that are yours and that will need to include taking responsibility for your part in things.

 

I said congratulations when I first found out. My friend slipped and told me that she told her not to say anything bc she wanted to tell me first. The thing that bothered me was that she said "Oh I just wanted you to be the first to know" why even lie about it? Thats what pissed me off.

 

The part about me being dramatic and wanting my key back (she had a spare in case of emergency) I mean shes just gonna get married and forget about me anyway.

[Qut81]

Your question was "would you forgive your cousin"? If I were you, yes. If I were her, I'd probably forgive you but try to make you aware that your attitude has something to do with where you land on my speed-dial. It sounds like she tried to point that out to you, although not very tactfully.

 

Well if thats how she feels then we dont need to talk anymore. Simple as that.

[savignon]

I mean shes just gonna get married and forget about me anyway.

I think here is where you probably best articulate how you're feeling.

As for when she told you, she probably told her friend in an excited moment and really wanted you to be one of the first people to find out. When you have good news, you want to share it right away and not necessarily take the time to do it "in the right order".

I think you're feeling insecure about your relationship with her now that she's going to be spending most of her time (or maybe already does) with her partner. The more you give her attitude about it, though, the less likely she'll be to want to share good news with you or hang out. Talk to her honestly about how you feel and then try to move on from this while continuing to work on the issues that are yours. We can only try to fix ourselves, afterall.

[Qut81]

In the middle of the argument I started to cry and she said "This doesnt even have anything to do with me does it? You are lonely, I can hear it in your voice" Now she is trying to hang with me everyday which is fine.

Maybe I deserve the things she said bc when I get upset I get extremely nasty. So if I dish it out, I need to take it.

[annie24]

i can imagine if i got engaged, i'd probably tell a million people before my family, including the clerk at the post office, the person on the bus, the secretary at work, and whoever else happened to be in front of me. my cousin would probably be the 50th person to know, lol.

 

i think cut her a break, and take care of yourself.

[Qut81]

i can imagine if i got engaged, i'd probably tell a million people before my family, including the clerk at the post office, the person on the bus, the secretary at work, and whoever else happened to be in front of me. my cousin would probably be the 50th person to know, lol.

 

i think cut her a break, and take care of yourself.

 

Yea we are more like sisters tho. We always get into these little arguements, ever since kids. I understand what you are saying though. I admit, it was petty.

[Cognitive_Canine]

i can imagine if i got engaged, i'd probably tell a million people before my family, including the clerk at the post office, the person on the bus, the secretary at work, and whoever else happened to be in front of me. my cousin would probably be the 50th person to know, lol.

 

i think cut her a break, and take care of yourself.

 

I agree with this.

 

I think telling comes on a "whoever happens to be there" basis rather than a pecking order.

 

I think you overreacted in this situation.

[hers]

You very mch overreacted. I agree with protestthehero--you should be asking if she should forgive you. You're being dramatic and honestly a little immature about the whole thing. I'd expect a 10 year old to say "she's just gonna forget about me anyway". You're not 10. Stop pretending everyone you love is going to abandon you. Why not be happy for her instead of acting childish and like it's all about you?

 

You say if you dish it out, you should learn to also take it. Why not stop dishing it out? Solve problems before they start?

 

You say you're like sisters and you've always had these spats. Ok, fine. My sister and I fought daily as kids. It wasn't till the last few years that I realized we're freaking adults who don't need to fight like kids. Made a conscious effort to change and you know what? My sister and I are like best friends now. Only you have the power to grow up.

 

By any chance are you competitive with her or feel the need to compete with her? Maybe that's why you turned it all around to you instead of being happy for her? B/c you're sad it's not your time like it is hers?

[Qut81]

I told her congratulations and I was happy for her before I even found out. I posted that several times.

 

We are EXTREMELY competitive. With everything....even games. Nobody likes to play Uno or poker with us bc we get too serious. Its always been about being competitive since children. However, I am not jealous of her situation by any means. She pays all the bills while her bf cheats on her all the time. Not an ideal situation. I understand they have a child and she wants to do whatever to keep her family in tact but its not right. He doesnt treat her right. She is headed for a lifetime of misery. Soo def not jealous of that...

 

Please read this carefully bc I really hate repeating myself. Our first convo was this " A___ I am getting married, I just wanted you to be the first to know" Me: "Are you sure this is what you want?" Her: Yes Me: Ok then I am happy for you and I wish you two the best"

 

I never told her to leave him bc I feel there arent any good men left out there anyway. So on one hand Im disappointed she ended up with a loser but on the other hand Im happy for her. Does that make sense?

[hers]

I don't mean you telling her you're happy for her. I'm talking about actually being happy for her. Put aside your opinions about the dude and put aside your insecurities of abandonment and feelings that she should've told you first and be happy for her. Not just to tell her but to tell yourself you're happy for her. I mean you turned it around to you and hwo she wronged you b/c she didn't tell you first. That was an immature reaction. You should instead just have said "well good for her" instead of being pissy and dramatic that you weren't told first.

 

Yea it sucks when someone we love choose people we think less than ideal for them but you're right, there's nothing we can do about it. So put on a happy face and put aside your insecurities and fake your happiness not just for her but also for yourself.

[Qut81]

Well I have listened to her about all of her problems and counseled her. She says Im easy to talk too but when she has good news I am the last to know? I sat there and listened to her when snot was running down her nose but now I am not good enough to hear the good news first.

 

All I can do is pretend. Being happy for someone else getting married is not in my makeup right now. Im mostly upset that she lied and said I was the 1st to know. She did the same thing to her sister and we were the ones there when she met him. I am not demanding or turn everything on me type person. I actually rarely talk to anyone about whats going on with me, thats why I come on this site. Everyone is too busy talking to me about their problems to care whats going on with me. Half of my friends dont even know I think about dying everyday. Maybe its best I stay to myself right now.

[savignon]

If being happy for someone else is something you can only pretend, then perhaps she wanted to share the good news with people who would be *genuinely* happy for her. You seem to still be stuck on the fact that you weren't the "first to know". When you get engaged one day, you'll want to tell 1000 people and only one of them can be first. Anyways, it's just so petty that I won't elaborate. You don't seem to want to move on from that point.

You have said that she's "just going to forget about you anyway" and that "there aren't any good men anyway" and "if that's how she feels, we don't need to talk anymore". If you can't see that your attitudes are affecting your relationships, even while people are plainly pointing it out to you, then I'm not sure what the answer is or how to help. Saying, "you're right....men suck and she should've told you first" is not helping you.

You need to recognize the drama you're causing yourself by being THIS upset that you found out SECOND instead of FIRST. Now she's a liar and you mean nothing to her and she takes her key back and you might not "forgive her" etc. etc.....do you see how you might be twisting the reality to suit the "my life stinks" image you're maintaining here?

I'm sorry you're hurting. Taking some responsibility for your beliefs, attitudes, "dishing it out" and so forth will be the first step to reclaiming your relationships or making some new ones.

[hers]

Not trying to say I don't sympathize with you, but again you're turning it all around to you. Your assumptions about what people think of you are going to drive you crazy. You say you counseled her and listened to her so she should've told you first. If you're her friend (not just her family member), you should be her friend. Friends listen to and counsel each other. They do it with no expectation of anything in return b/c that's friendship. So you're not entitled to know anything first. Yea it was kind of sketch that she lied about it but in the grand scheme of things, what's the big deal? Unles she has a history of lying to you, then I wouldn't worry about it. For all we know she couldve told you that you were the first to knwo b/c she knows you would've gone ape on her if she didn't say otherwise. Your assumptions about people are unhealthy and you need to stop pretending you know everything about everyone and what they're thinking.

[hers]

Sav, a thousand reps to you for your post! I agree fully!

[Qut81]

Yea, I see what your saying. I admitted it was petty. You are right, its effecting my relationships. I think thats why I got so upset when she said I dont have friends and a bf bc I overreact. Its true...very true. (about the bfs, I have friends...well mostly associates) I get really sensitive when Im like this but Im really trying not too. Im really trying to be a better person, I just slipped. She has done so much for me I shouldve responded in a diff way.

 

The day after this, me and our friend were sitting outside. She told a story about how she told her sister she was the first to know bc she would get mad. That she has to know everything first unless she think she doesnt love her. So she lied to her. I have a feeling this was her way of telling me why she lied. Our friend said "That is rediculous...who gets mad about something like that? Thats way too sensitive" She doesnt know I got upset, shes the friend she told first. This friend is very negative. That is one thing, even when he was cheating on her or ppl go thru other things, I always remain positive. About their probs that is, Im extremely negative about my own problems.

[savignon]

The fact that you can recognize that is a HUGE step in the right direction!! Maybe if you can sit down and make a list of your good qualities (you've already said good listener and you sound reliable)...then a category for things you might like to change a bit. Then you can come up with some ideas of how to overcome them (like if it's "over-reacting" ...then next time you get upset, give yourself five good minutes to make faces, scream, write about how angry you are and then once that five minutes is up, you let it go to the best degree you can)

I totally hear where you're coming from and I know things can get better. It sounds to me like you're a little less angry now and able to see an area for improvement. That's always a great way to begin a shift.

You can do it!!