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My story so far...


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It's a bit long winded but I wanted to share my whole story so far in one place, I'm not sure how some of you will view me... but here we go where shall I start, lets rewind back to the start of May, Summer was just around the corner I started getting a slight golden tan and I felt good about myself, I had a girlfriend who I loved and nothing else matter.

 

For some odd reason the strangest thing happened I slowly started to distance myself, I’m not sure why, maybe cold feet? I thought to much about the future and less about the present.

 

She was my soulmate, she was prefect… okay she did have some faults but who doesn’t! She made me feel complete that’s what matters right?

 

A few weeks later, I started to panic she was getting to the age that a girl would want to go clubbing, she wanted to work abroad, I had to protect myself right? I had these thoughts going around in my head, why was I just not honest with her? I should of ask her about these things at the time? Truth is I was confused and pretty scared, A few weeks before I had a cancer scare I felt like she weren’t there for me as much as I hoped, I should have been more mature about this she had a few issues in her life at the time, It was a selfish act from my behalf to expect so much from her!

 

Friday night came along, I’m not a big drinker nor a big clubber! It was a normal night, but I slowly started to drink the more I drank the more I felt depressed about me and her, why was I at this stage? maybe she’s not the one, I asked myself why am I with her if she’s not the one, I’m wasting my youthful years. Bang! I just made the biggest mistake of my life. I kiss another girl, why did I do it? Did instinct kick in , I love her why did I look at another girl no girls even compare to her, did I just want to feel wanted? Was because it was the easy option at the time instead of trying to fix things I took the easy way out, well at the time it was the easy way out.

 

Sunday evening I split with her telling her I weren’t happy basically, I should have been more honest and told her that I kissed another person at the time but I was scared. No doubt lot of you are going “what a total bastard.. I hate cheaters!”

 

The truth is most of us have cheated at one point in our life we are human after all we make stupid mistake when we aren’t in the right frame of mind, its how you learn from that mistake, I learnt the hard way.

 

It must have been around a Wednesday evening, I wanted her to move on and forget about me, I loved her so much that I just wanted her to be happy, I acted like this complete * * * * * and told her “I kissed another girl a week before we split, I want to be free” Truth is I never wanted any of this, but she deserved more than me, but she deserved better.

 

The next few days my head was spinning, I held off as long as I could, I made it to a week I broke down. I ended up contacting her, I beg and pleaded for her back of course, I knew it was a long shot, I felt like I’m ready to be with her, I became a selfish bastard. I would gave up everything to be with her, I didn’t care anymore, I knew she was the one.. but was it to late?

 

We ended up meeting a week later, I took her out in my car to have a little chat about everything! Was this the moment I was waiting for, I wore her favourite t-shirt sprayed on some cologne. I was excited but felt sick to my stomach at the same time. I saw her face again, I couldn’t help but smile she was everything I wanted her blonde hair swooped to the side, the prefect smile, her blue eyes the way she acted. I felt like was on top of the world again everything felt right! She’s my soulmate, I know it for a fact! We parked up then I hear… “Tommy, I’m seeing a new guy, I have slept with him and we have been dating for 3 days now”. My heart dropped I felt like I was going to die, I had to remain calmed but I will admit I cried a lot that night. I knew this would be one of the last time we saw each other, I gave her a hug like I would never let her go, nothing else mattered she was hugging me, I was hugging her back felt as if time had stopped! My mind was blank it felt like I just taken over 100 pills of Valium, during this time she told me she was in limbo and she can’t get her heart broken again? But if its already broke can it really be broken again?

 

The next few days I couldn’t cope. I never showed up at work this lasted over week they looked at me oddly when I came strolling into work looking like I wanted to jump out of my office window. They did ask what was wrong with me, maybe I should said sorry I was off “due to a broken heart.” Would they accepted that?

 

During the time I was bunking off work I ended up dropping off flowers some flowers around her house with a card telling her everything. I felt like James Bond on a missio! She messaged me later that night in shock, saying “Omg Tommy, I don’t know what to think” I weren’t sure how to take this.. Was it a good sign? Maybe it was? My head starts spinning I think I got the best idea yet!

 

I need to show her how much I care for her actions speak louder than words right? So I went down her work and waited outside for her after a good 30 minutes I called her work buddy.. “Hi is Sophie there? No she left early” Damn! maybe this was to dodge me? I had her her birthday present in the car which was in a week and abit away, the funny thing is its still in my car I never had the heart to take it back.

 

She text me later that night saying I know you came to my work today! Leave me alone I told you already, I’m not worth it.

 

Not once did she say leave me alone but I started feeling stalkerish after this text, I slapped myself till it looked like I had gone a good few rounds with Mike Tyson.

 

As much as it hurt I had to accept her wishes.

 

A month has gone by, it’s just like any other Saturday night, my phone starts to ring its around 11pm, I missed the phone called but saw a text saying “Tommy ring me!” Sophies contacting me? Why? It couldn’t be could it? I started to worry hoping she was okay! I picked up my phone ASAP and rang her! My heart was racing I felt sick, I was shaking like it was the end of the world.

 

Ring, Ring… her goes nothing I whispered to myself, “Tommy!” “Hi Sophie whats up?” I said in a gentle tone, she says “the girl who tried girl sleeping with you is here and she’s saying she never tried to get you in bed with her so I thought I would ring you to see if you was not making it up” Hold on I weren’t expecting this! I was expecting a totally different phone call, I’m in shock, I’m disappointed but I’m glad she’s okay… she knew for a fact I wouldn’t of made it up, why would of I? Just to fill you in this girl tried sleeping with me 4 months before our break up.

 

A lot happened in June why me and Sophie has no contact I got the mumps, my nan had high risk surgery and I’m currently planning to move away for awhile. She heard this stuff from her friend so I knew she knew what has been going on in my life. Bang there it was I flipped, Why the hell are you ringing me over something so trivial and stupid, why do you care, maybe I was to bitter? The phone call ended 10 minutes later with her hanging up. After a hour or so she did text me saying:

“I’m sorry if I have upset you or anything.. I hoped we could be friends but clearly not. Keep well. “

Yes I did reply! Some of you might of thought it was a silly move, letting her into my life again, some of you might think it’s a wise move… I suppose its how the cookie crumbles.

 

I replied with:

“I will be friends with you Sophie, I will try of course I’ll always be there for you when you need me. You will have to realize that sometimes I wont be able to be as close to you because of the past. I’m not sure how your bf would act knowing we was friends and I don’t want to come between that, so sometimes I think its best for us to forget what has happened and not be in each others lifes, Least I wont be around in England soon.”

 

Sorry about the poor grammar in the text but I re wrote it over 100 times, trying to decide what I was going to say.

 

Wait whats this? A message from the girl who tried sleeping with me saying

 

”you are well shot of her, shes a * * * * you should see her around all these men and she already tried beating me up” This girl don’t fancy me before you think she’s just trying to put you off her.

 

I quickly questioned myself? I don’t get why this girl was telling me this secondly why would my ex still be so bothered she has to ring me then threaten her! Don’t forget my ex has a new man in her life… Was she really flirting and getting with other men, it’s not my place to ask her I suppose is it?

 

3am hits I’m laying in bed! Thinking about the night saying this has been a crazy one and now I feeling pretty crap. A close friend rings me. He goes I saw your ex tonight I had a chat with her… I’m not sure if this was before or after she rang me. He goes ”she still really cares about you, I think you might have a chance of being back with her, I don’t think she’s really bothered about her new guy she said he would kill her if they split up?.. What he is violent, what has she gotten her self into? I’m sitting on edge worried about her now. He finishes off the conversation with we spoke about you for a good 30 minutes… she took my number to contact me and meet up, to talk more about you when we are both sober. Why would she need to talk about me?

 

Last night you will be happy to know I emailed her to meet for a coffee, So hopefully I will be able to give you the next chapter of my life.

 

After all of this stress I’m starting to spout the odd grey hair at the young age of 22. I would drop to my knee tomorrow to ask her to marry me, truth is if I never went through this part of my life with out her I would never of knew how much she really means to me, sometimes in life we take things for granted.

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Maybe my story was to long for some of you to read, but as I promised I said I would update you lot.

 

Hope, makes us justify a number of things, we all been there saying "maybe if I did this", "maybe if she did that" don't forget the famous saying "what if" we have all said it at some point. Hope is a lifeline but is it a lifeline we need? Over the past month I have noticed how much I have justified her. She has laid the blame on me and I have laid the blame on myself for everything, truth is was it really my fault we aren't together?

 

7th of July 8:34pm, 48 hours since I sent the "coffee email" No response yet, she was addicted to these social networks. Maybe she's not on them as much now? Has things really changed that much?

I started talking to one of our mutual friends via the social network. I noticed left a message for this mutual friends twice!

Once the 6th and the other on the 7th. But why has she not replied to me? Maybe she's not sure what to say back, Maybe she's not checked her emails?

Why am I making excuses for her why am I justifying her? It's clear that she saw it and just sweep it under the carpet, but why would she do that? Was my email really that bad to reply to? No! It was more of a friendly email, you could of sent it to anyone.

 

I have heard my ex saying the lines to me and other people "maybe I'll get back with Tommy down the line but not right now" I'm starting to feel like I'm some kind of scapegoat someone to fall back on, does she want to know that I'm still floating about and not moving on? The strange thing is she was always asking to be friends so at last I gave her the card to be "friends" but now it seems like she has chucked it back in my face, it has been 3 days since I contacted her and I'm not sure if I even want a reply from her now as it seems I'm not on top of her priority's. All I can say is hope can be one mans blessing and anothers torment.

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9th of July Still no contact from her. A close friend of mine wanted to see this so called blog, (online diary thats basically the same as I'm writing here), this close friend wern't any old close friend drumroll! She's fairly close friends with my ex she even works with her.

Jesus what was I doing? why did I even tell her I was writing my thoughts down online? how did I get into this postion? I remember? I was to cheap to by a diary.

 

I'm not one to show much emotion so I found it hard knowing someone might be reading about my feelings/thoughts. After thinking of the Pros and Cons I decided why not.

The next thing took me by surprise, she loved it ending up saying it cute and how she has to show my ex at work. Now I wasn't expecting this, at first I was against this idea. The idea seemed wrong.

After some dodgy salesmen tactics I caved in.

Whats the worse thing that can happen right? Am I going to come off as some loser? Maybe she will come running back to me like I'm some kind of war hero? Maybe she will finally message me giving me this closure and say sorry for contacting me.

 

To be honest none of these happened above, after texting the "close friend" asking if she did the deed? She responses with, "she didn't really say alot. She kept reading it though" What view shall I take on this? Okay I'm not going to read to far into it. Later that night the friend phones me to tell me all the gossip, was there really gossip? Nope not really this is everything she basically said:

 

1: I don't understand why he is writing a blog like this, what is it for?

2: Omg people must see me as a * * * * * !

3. What was the gift for my birthday?

4. He called my problems issues? They was more than just a issue my dad was in a mental state.

5. Have you seen Definitely,Maybe?

6. He missed out some parts.

 

Apart from these 6 things she said nothing else. She did not even have the consideration to email/phone me.

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