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I hate this...*


amethyst exchange

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I thought I was really doing well. I joined a club, I actually made...some...friends sort of. I was going to a counselor...I actually got a job...in my field....

 

I even made steps for this relationship...I wanted. Actually I asked two people out this spring...which...in the past...has been fundementally impossible.

 

The first one was a long shot...so when she shot me down it didn't hurt so bad. The second one though. We talked, (she went to the same counseling group that I did), we were part of the same clb adn took classes together...we did things together. She dumped her boyfriend (not because of me...almost rather in spite of me) and I eventually I spoke up and made my move and she sort of said yes. But I had to go to this summer job...and it was a way away...but I called every week, and tried to make plans because our schedules weren't the best. Four weeks in I happen to be looking at her facebook page and noticed she'd changed her relationship status...which was odd...so at first I was a bit passive aggressive about it...(not to her...just in general). Then I was talking to her...and I finally just sort of blurted...because...well...it was bugging me. Which led to the whole, 'he was there and helped me' response which...pissed me off a little...it wasn't like I was avoiding her damn it. And then I got all angry not at her but at me for being so stupid about it. Every time I go into these situations I feel like I get burned.

 

And I know that it's because I make all these unspoken feelings that I'm owed something. I know it's wrong. However, I still can't get past it.

 

She never made a promise about being with me or anything like that. She never even promised a date...we weren't even dating...](*,). It's just for some reason I really thought I had a chance with her. I mean I'm 24 going on 25, I've never been in a any kind of proper relationship...no experience with physical intimacy (I've only ever been hugged, or accepted a hug, by one person outside of my family and that was this girl recently). I mean it isn't even that she is dating this other guy...it's that...she couldn't say anything about it to me...she knew I had...certain...emotional attachments to her. It's not like I hadn't been calling relatively often (not daily more like weekly...but they were always relatively friendly and not...you know desirous). I just wished she'd said...'hey, you're a good guy, but I need someone here with me now...and well I found someone'. Yeah it would've hurt...and stuff, but at least I wouldn't have felt like an idiot wasting my time.

 

I just don't know what to do. Everything that I thought I'd started building up is feeling increasingly like it's become worthless. I'm beginning to really hate my job...or rather the environment of my job. I'm really dreading going back to school next fall (second baccalaurate...because I'm a idiot and won't go to grad school...because...I'm a coward); I not even sure I can afford it...because I don't think I am eligible for anymore loans.

 

I feel increasingly tired of everything, and have become exceedingly reclusive. I feel depressed all the time again...even when I do things that make me laugh (like watch an episode of MST3K or read a book by Pratchett) the laughter feels empty, and in the end I feel tired (And yes I know...I'm a geeky, nerdy dork). I don't know what to do. I feel lonely even though I live with three other women (and before you say it, no, it is out of the question, two are attached and the third is severely not my type). More and More I just want to run home and lock myself away and escape from it because it hurts.

 

I just feel worthless...constantly worthless. I'm tired and depresed and I feel so raw...I'm actually having physical symptoms (stomach ache, muscle soreness, headaches, I even get freaking hot flashes) from my damned anxiety, not to mention engaging in stupid mistakes caused by being unable to focus...I forget things at home, or in the truck and I write things down wrong...and its getting worse...I'm making bigger and bigger mistakes...

 

And the worst part is...I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about it. I'm not seeing a therapist anymore because there isn't one near where I work...frankly some days I feel like this is a freaking terminal problem...and I'm so tired of it.

 

*I don't know, it started out about how I got left by this girl (well you can't call it left if she was never with me to start with) but it sort of morphed into my life sucks...if the mods think it should be moved, then it should be moved.

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Yeahhh.. it probably is just a good idea to focus on the positives here.

 

Never had physical intamacy? No STDs!!/kids/bad relationships

 

Not getting a yes from the ladies? Well, hell.. at least you are asking.

 

Feeling depressed? You aren't too depressed to think straight anymore.. my evidence being your post.

 

As long as you don't get to the point of being a mental vegetable, you will have enough wits about you to do something to fix your situation.

 

If you feel like you need a therapist, I would just adjust to having to drive a little bit. I have a 1.5 hour commute to mine. It can be a serious pain in the ass. But, I would be a bit too worried to just stop. Right now, I don't know if I have enough people around to tell if I spiral out.

 

If you want to talk I check my PMs pretty often.

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