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About friends and everything.


Johnty

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Hmm where to start. Well, I say that I have difficulty making friends but the truth I think is that I haven't until recently. More that through my life I could never get the right sort of friends. Now I suppose it is poignant to point out that through most of my life I have struggled with weight issues, and I have really tried to lose it, so I supose my own insecurities about my weight might make me naturally an introvert. Some of it might even make me sound like a wuss...but anyway, to the story...

 

I had one friend who I have not spoken to for years, well 'friend' in the end was always a stretch. The friend and I met way back in nursery (day care for the Americans) and we got on well, went to the same school and were generally inseparable. But as we got older we began to drift apar, he would fall in with the other crowd and would even go as far as to start bullying me verbally. But then eventually he would come back, or give me a call to apologize and like a fool we'd become friends again.

 

This happened alot through out school life, eventually we gained a 3rd friend and everything seemed to be fine...but then I remember to this day my Mothers words from those days "2 is company, 3 is a crowd"...Gradually I noticed I would become more and more excluded, no matter what I tried. We'd still talk and be friendly, but i'd always be the fall back option.

 

This friend struggled academically, and as we got to our mid-teens I noticed he began to lean on me more and more, asking me questions I was prepared to answer about the work. I remember it got me into trouble because him being a jack the lad I was often the one accused of copying him, not vice versa. Eventually I moved seats so he couldn't copy my work any longer, and that is where the other 2 friends turned against me, launching abuse and so on.

 

I went to a nearby all-girls school for one of my lessons during that year, with the friend. However, I think due to my weight and my easy going nature I was bullied, well, not bullied per se but picked on by one of the 'cool' girls in the class. It was a case of a mix up of identity someone claimed later as she thought i'd said something about her asking me out, when I hadn't, I was with the person who'd said the rumour at the time, not the person himself. To my so called 'friend' it was funny, to me it was horrid. Anyway eventually, like a coward the stupid attempts to trip me up as I walked past amongst other things made me quit that class and go elsewhere. Makes me look like a coward being bullied away by a woman, doesn't it?

 

Anyway, I withdrew, and began doing babysitting for people who lived nearby. I got on with the kids who were about 12 and 10, and we began to hang out. That was my lowest point I think...I mean I look back and it was sick and my attempt to gain friendship from people who looked up to me, and weren't judgmental. I regressed and became more childish and eventually I had no one my own age to talk to...

 

Eventually I pulled my finger out, and felt it was time to get into a group of friends my age. I severed ties with the bad friends and stopped babysitting for the kids. Though I did admittedly fall back into forgiving those original 2 friends a couple of times. I made friends with a larger group of 6-8 people who were all intelligent academically and although we weren't 100% compatible in interests I meshed my interest in with these people. My old friends didn't like this 'geek and freek' group, and I became an object of jokes, but I didn't care. We'd go out and play Golf, Soccer, Rugby, Cricket and even Tennis and Badminton. I enjoyed it, they wern't judgmental like the others had been.

 

Though, to my shame I ruined that friendship with all that group of friends...due to a stupid lie that had gone too far. I was annoyed with one friend and rather than talk it out I made up a lie about him which turned for a period all the others against him. Though over time they all slipped to him and I became more and more isolated. I could of won them back in hindsight if I had just apologized and admitted my mistake, but I didn't. As a consequence the non-judgemental side of the friendshhip was gone, any conversation I struck up was answered shortly before they got on with it. I was still in that group but I didn't feel part of it and I was no longer invited out with the group on weekends. The final nail in the coffin was when one of them made a repeating joke that he knew would winde me up and I lashed out.

 

After my exams were over I decided to move off to college, I could of done two more years but decided simply a clean break as in order. It was my first mixed gender school....I made a friend, he was an allright guy as someone to talk to in the school but we rarely did anything at weekends. Neither of us made any other friends in the class, we had one other guy who talked to us, but more as a running joke with his other friends than anything. I learnt later that in those initial weeks when the rest of the class were bonding we'd keep to ourselves too much. Through those 2 years I wouldn't talk to any of the girls, too nervous I think about my weight and my experience before in my mind. I say its my weight buy they all talked, loved and hugged another overweight kid in the class, and he was worse than me, though he held more self-belief I suppose. During those 2 years I went off the boil academically. I went from an authoritarian school to a "show up if you want, leave if you want, if you don't do homework, I dont care" school and naturally I went with the boundaries, skipping classes I didn't like etc.

 

As the 2 years in college finished, I lost touch with the friend I did make in that period. I was alone, I wouldn't go out. I struggled immensely to find a job and as a consequence more weight piled on. I have had odd jobs since, but I haven't made any lasting acquaintances. I made one acquiantance when I decided to initially start swimming for exercise, he was overweight, but much older (50's), and non judgemental. Don't know if he qualifies as a friend, but we got on well. But we would just chat whilst swimming or in the sauna afterwards.

 

I had no friends my own age once more, and generally no friends at all. I went off the wagon and my weight balooned terribly. I couldn't talk to the opposite sex, I didn't go out to clubs as the history in my family of alcohol abuse scared me....plus going out alone isn't easy...I became jobless due to the recession, and I have got to the point where I am 21 years old, a virgin who has never even kissed a girl, obese (though desperately trying now, dropped 20 pounds so far in last couple months), jobless and I live with my parents. No girl would dream of going out with me, and I don't have the money to go out enough to meet people...With everything I think about, all my circumstances considered sometimes I do consider topping myself. The only thing that stopped me once was I was too cowardly to do it...

 

I have I admit at that point slipped into online friendships and games like Warcraft to hide my loneliness under claims of friendship in far flung places. Obviously that isn't real friendship though, and in general I am EVEN shy on the internet. I struggled even in an MMO where no one knew about me or my circumstances to talk to people and only became comfortable when I lied about my circumstances...you lie so much you believe your own lies...your new lives you make up are exciting and you'd rather live them in your fantasy than realize your own life is * * * * ed up..

 

But even then friendships wouldn't last. See, a trait of mine I have developed over time is that I take no * * * * , and I say exactly what I think. A recent friendship broke under something so stupid that I vehemently argued with a guy for saying 'only boring people get bored'...I'd argue and argue. I knew he was wrong but I felt I had to fight him...though this guy claimed in previous conversation he had blocked 3 other people in the 2 days I spoke to him for 'pissing him off'...so I pushed that down as him being a difficult person...Though with everything else it gets me wondering if its me.

 

However, it has got to the point after discussing it with my doctor that I felt I needed to lay all the crap down, stop lying even online and post my circumstances somewhere for people to read. I look back at it and think that my strong compulsion to defend my view coems from years of being the odd one out who was pushed around, and my own insecurity...I think my weight and the amount of broken friendships I had have turned me into maybe someone insociable, even if my family and the doctor would disagree. They say I am kind, generous and have a good heart that has been tainted too often by betrayal...They say I lack trust, and confidence in myself which a job would give me. My problems with women I don't know about, though I think the experiences i've had with them have left me suspicious of a womens motives, and it doesn't help I suppose having two strong women in the family. A domineering mother who is a perfectionist, and a grandmother who whilst less domineering made a small fortune running a business without any men helping her.

 

Anyway, thats me...Don't know what to say, i'd be interested in other peoples views. It has been very hard to post this up, and I appreciate it is a very long read no doubt riddled with grammatical and spelling errors, so I apologize in advance for that.

 

Regards,

 

Johnty.

 

EDIT: Or I might not get any responses at all, which would be typical for my life really. I'm aloen even on a not alone forum.

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Bravo on a great post. I think you'll enjoy your new commitment to honesty because it's liberating. Lies don't protect us, just the opposite. They're a barrier to exploring our own full potential. You're on your way.

 

In your corner.

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