Jump to content

Worried about my daughter


Sparkley

Recommended Posts

She is my eldest child and is at ~University studying psycology and she is very good at it getting top marks etc and prgoressing really well. She is really determined to pursue a career in this and I'm very pleased for but just wondering what all this 'go-getting' will lead?

At the moment she is single and not interested in entering into a relationship, I'm worried ath she will become a career woman and maybe focus on that too much to the downfall of other sides of her life. I mean I left school at 16 and maybe she feels I'm jealous of her for making something of her self in the academics. Sure I found it hard to get on at school but did well for myself once I left and found happiness is work and relationships, I just wondered if she ends up in a proefession and alone will it be worth it?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

She is still young, I presume, If she is in uni. Her career is important, men come and go generally, but if she gets a good career, she will ALWAYS have her independence and something to fall back on, she will never have to rely on any one else to pave her way.

 

I imagine once shes settled in her desired career and has more time, then she'll begin to want a relationship.

 

Dont worry!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

She is still young, I presume, If she is in uni. Her career is important, men come and go generally, but if she gets a good career, she will ALWAYS have her independence and something to fall back on, she will never have to rely on any one else to pave her way.

 

I imagine once shes settled in her desired career and has more time, then she'll begin to want a relationship.

 

Dont worry!

 

Thanks! You put my mind at rest somewhat, I just find it hard to bring the subject up as it causes arguements between us. I'll leave her to her books, I am proud of her though and support her all the way. She wants to get her phd, don't ask me! Just means more study.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

she will ALWAYS have her independence and something to fall back on, she will never have to rely on any one else to pave her way

 

Words of wisdom!

 

My daughter finished her 1st year at uni and will start her 2nd year soon. She hadn't been dating for a while but NOW she has a boyfriend and I fear it will interfere with her studies. She wants to be a doctor. Now I long for the days when she was single and working hard!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Words of wisdom!

 

My daughter finished her 1st year at uni and will start her 2nd year soon. She hadn't been dating for a while but NOW she has a boyfriend and I fear it will interfere with her studies. She wants to be a doctor. Now I long for the days when she was single and working hard!

 

 

Oh, now I'd be fine with that, but can see how it is a worry.

 

Just I left school at 16 and wanted to settle down as soon as with a man who could support me and the family i hoped to have with him, but it is different now, not many women want that anymore.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Its different because she can have both, when she has her great career and qualifications, she can find the man and have the family if she wants and provide.

 

Dont worry too much, you should be very proud to have such a studious daughter who KNOWS what she wants.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Career and relationship is not an either/or proposition. Almost every eventually marries, and most these days don't do it until their late 20s or 30s. So what is the rush?

 

Remember that she is a different person than you, and also a different generation than you. And women have learned that having a man support them is an iffy proposition, and frequently short term with the number of divorces these days. She is far better off being able to support herself, and then choose a man because he is the right man who loves her rather than just grabbing the first man she finds who will marry her.

 

You should be proud of your daughter, not worried. If you continue this way, you may drive her away from you, as she is doing nothing wrong or shameful, but is accomplishing something and learning to take care of herself.

 

You need to fight against some of your archaic ideals that a woman has to marry early and be taken care of... the reality of today's world is that far more women end up single mothers than single for life... more children are born out of wedlock than in these days, and most women will divorce once in their lifetime, so a wise woman develops a career to be able to take care of herself and her children regardless of what life brings. It is a blessing to find a husband one is happy with who sticks around for life, but that just isn't what happens most of the time. Your daughter is being smart, and you need to recognize that and encourage her rather than criticizing her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A mom concerned about her child being "too" school-oriented? That's a first. I think you need to relax, and let her do what she loves. I've always been extremely serious about my career, but I've still found men. There's a time for everything.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just I left school at 16 and wanted to settle down as soon as with a man who could support me and the family i hoped to have with him, but it is different now, not many women want that anymore.

 

I'm a bit like you. Growing up, I always knew I wanted to marry and have a family. I do think my family is my career. And I worked too. Those were jobs though. I never let my job interfere with my real career. I've quit jobs in a heart beat because my family needed me. I have no regrets from doing so!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Let her be. Let her lead her own life and don't take that away from her. I am angry at my own mother for similar reasons. She won't just let me be, always nagging, suggesting her way even when it is clear as day that it is the wrong suggestion. She will resent you if you don't respect her choices and wishes. It is her life, you've lived yours. Your rights might not be the same as hers. She is her own person. Once past 5 I think we should make our own decisions.

 

Let her fall, let her make the choices you think are 'wrong'. Even if they are, that is how we learn. Don't take life away from her to ease your own conscience, that is selfish. It is not fair to her. Let her live her life without the nagging and without worrying about how to please you. Let her please herself or she will come to resent you and life.

 

I hope I wasn't too harsh but you touched my soft spot Sparkley.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

... as a mom I can say that everything (and anything!) is a worry when it comes to your children. I remind myself all the time that I was young once too! But not easy. I'd give up a kidney in a heart beat for any of my kids. But I think I'm getting better at having older kids now.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My oldest just graduated from college last month. She's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and her primary goal was to finish school and start looking for a job. While she had "boyfriends" throughout school, she always made it understood that school came first.

 

Don't worry about it. Sounds to me she has some life goals she wants to reach. I know with mine, I never had to worry about having to drive out east and have a "chat" with the lad.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh hike I'm tearing up here, of course you are not too harash and I'm sorry I touched your soft spot but glad you responded.

I'm glad all of you did and thanks to all of you, you prove the truth behind this baord that we are not alone!

I am proud of her and happy for her, if only you could see that as I know you all are proud of yours. I just was worried as she studies so hard I'm frightened she will burn out and what will she have? Yeah, I know the world is a different place from when I left school and women have their independence but maybe I'm just guilty of wanting too much for her. A relationship and her career? I just felt that with her nose in a book all the time she was too much work and not enough fun.

But I will relax and let her live her own life. Thank you to all!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A mom concerned about her child being "too" school-oriented? That's a first. I think you need to relax, and let her do what she loves. I've always been extremely serious about my career, but I've still found men. There's a time for everything.

 

 

I am worried only that she will 'burn' herself out and that all work and no play is no life either. Trust me I am so proud of her and what she has done. I've no idea where she gets her brains from! But I admire her dedication, just, oh well, I have to relax huh?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Let me assure you, when the time comes that she wants a relationship she will go look for it! She sounds very determined in what she wants. I am very similar to your daughter. When I was in school I knew what I wanted: I wanted to get my business degree, I went to a good school, moved out of the house, learned to be independent and studied my brains out. Found my job in the field I studied for and I've been there happily for two years now. There were a few boys that came and went during those years at university but I wasn't interested in getting involved. I was happy by myself and liked the freedom and independence with studying for my career. I recently entered a relationship. Why? Because I felt that I had established enough in my other priorities and I can happily invest my time in a relationship. So don't worry too much ;D

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You are smart to be careful in what messages you're sending your daughter, because your fears are unfounded and possibly detrimental. Finding a passion for a career one can throw herself into, especially one that helps others, isn't just about nobility or ambition, it's a foundational place from which to feel strong and confident enough to form healthy relationships--not just any relationships.

 

For really good news, think in terms opposites. For instance, your daughter won't be subject to some of the typical pitfalls of many insecure women--she won't become a needy, attention-seeking man-hunter who latches on to someone else's coat tails. She'll have choices, and she'll be positioned to not put up with garbage from anyone who would mistreat her, to not follow peers blindly into unhealthy or even dangerous situations, to not settle into a group-think mentality that limits social contacts to exclude unique and brilliant but not-so-popular people.

 

BTW--by speaking in these terms, I'm not implying that any woman who doesn't pursue higher education or an engaging career must necessarily be this way, either. Just giving you some examples of situations far more disturbing than having the backbone and the focus to chart one's own course.

 

Kudos to you for raising such a bright and independent woman.

 

In your corner.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just think of it this way... an educated woman has more options. She can choose a man who is good to her and loves her, vs. choosing someone whose main characteristic is he'll support her.

 

There are so many instances on this board of women who are trapped with abusive men or men who treat them terribly, who are miserable but terrified to leave because they have no means to support themselves, and know they will be living in a terrible place working a minimum wage job at best if they leave. So they have two bad choices, a bad partner or only potential for drudgery jobs and bad living conditions.

 

A woman who is educated has the potential for a good life because she is never trapped without good options. If her man treats her badly, she can stand up to him and say, straighten up, or i'm leaving, and she can leave for a good life and ability to look for a new, better partner. A woman who is dependent on a man has to put up with whatever bad things he throws her way because he holds all the leverage and the earning power. She might get child support if she leaves, but her standard of living still goes way down, whereas a woman with a career doesn't experience that loss. The man also knows he holds the financial power, so he may treat her badly because he knows she doesn't want to leave and live at poverty level without him.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just trust that she is doing what's right for her--and be very, very proud!!

 

There's absolutely no reason to think that she needs to make dating a priority right now--there is plenty of time for that later on, when she's ready. In the meantime, she is investing in skills and a degree that will carry her through her whole life!

 

I made it through my bachelor's and master's degrees and have been able to support myself--which also meant I was able to be patient and wait until the absolute right man for me came along before I got married. That was last year, when I was 30!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow...I haven't heard that before. I'm a woman who always did well in school and my parents encouraged me to focus on my studies over social relationships.

 

Sadly, I have always wanted to get married and have a family...even more than a great career...but that's not supposed to be "healthy" anymore, I guess.

 

I'm in my late 20s and now focusing even more on my career training since my ex fiance of 7 years left me.

 

If I find another great job, fine...but what I want more than anything else is a husband and children. People tell me that that's wrong and co-dependent and you can't find happiness with people, you have to find it in yourself.

 

I almost wish I had a mom like you! I can see why you'd be concerned. I was very shy growing up and my ONE regret in life is that I wasn't more involved socially. Yes, I got straight A's and awards and all that, but who cares when I look back and missed out on so much?

 

So I think you have a point to be concerned. Maybe suggest some social events your daughter may enjoy?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wanted to add that having a career isn't a bad thing, though. Your daughter can still date later on, but I know what you mean.

 

I don't know...when I think about being on my death bed, am I going to regret not making more money and having a better career...or am I going to regret all the times I could have been spending with people I loved? I think the latter. So it makes sense.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wanted to add that having a career isn't a bad thing, though. Your daughter can still date later on, but I know what you mean.

 

I don't know...when I think about being on my death bed, am I going to regret not making more money and having a better career...or am I going to regret all the times I could have been spending with people I loved? I think the latter. So it makes sense.

 

Don't mean to be dramatic but that depends on whether you're dying out of lack of food/shelter or in your sleep of old age.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Your daughter is still at university, so she's what? Somewhere around 18-22? I think it's a little premature to assume she's going to spend her life alone!

 

This is a great time for her to be focused on her education and career plans. Having a degree and a career will give her life more stability and options, whether she's single or married. There's plenty of time for relationships. And I'm sure she's meeting people and making friends at her university, even if there's no boyfriend in the picture yet.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sparkley, if one judges by her behaviour, you have been an excellent parent! She sounds like she has a sound head on her shoulders. If she is that level about her studies, she will approach relationships with an equally responsible and healthy attitude. Don't worry!

 

When our daughter went off to uni, she switched her major to boychasing and minor to partying. Took her a while to calm down but she did and she'll graduate next year.

 

At least you didn't have that to contend with!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Everyone has different priorities in life. I have never been very relationship-oriented. Giving up being single for someone has always felt a little bit like a sacrifice. You just have to remember that what makes you happy may not make her happy.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...