Jump to content

My Life was OVER before it started


beneathsmiles

Recommended Posts

I just turned 20 this year but i don't know why i been having excessive nightmares. In my early childhood i was sexually molested and raped by my uncle. I didn't understand when i was younger but as i got older it was something that i couldn't forget and i knew what he did to me was wrong and it ruined me. What i couldn't understand was how he got away with it. I would remember he would touch me inappropriately in front of people, but it just seemed like no one paid attention to me. Everyone literally hated me when i was a child. I was a loner, my parents didn't want to be around me, they were both cheating on each other. Dad worked far, mom was gambling and never home. I practically raised myself, a house full of kids. My brothers always told me they'd rather have someone else as their little sister. I was punk'd by own little cousins and my grandmother always gave away my things to my older ungrateful cousins. No one listened to me. I was such an easy target, looking back at my childhood, i'm not surprised that what my uncle had done to me, happened. However, throughout the years, my dad has been molesting me also...I thought it was just my imagination, i suppress my depression to the extent that i don't even know what is reality and what is just a dream. Sometimes i feel like i blackout due to the depression, and all the stress given upon me since i was born. I grew up in a very hush hush traditional background. No one, will believe anything i say. I have an attachment to my family and i cannot walk out on them. i have so much hate built inside of me that instead of blowing up like a ticking time bomb, i feel like ending my life. I have always thought, maybe if i end my life, things will be better. I thought a little more rationally and thought it was selfish of me to take my own life away from my family and those who love me and let me in their life. I won't kill myself, but i hate that i put myself to endure many things because i feel as if it will be better in a couple of years. ](*,)This is kind of what kills me, the fact that i am so depressed but those feelings go unresolved and i suppress them by being optimistic and lively. I am happy, but, sometimes those feelings of hate, depression and tears are just urging to burst out. we do have a company therapist that i can speak too, but for some reason, whenever i try to talk about all this, it never comes out or if it does, it ends up being half the story and just funny? I'm not sure what to expect from posting this, but thanks for everyone or anyone who reads this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

welcome to ENA mate

were always here whenever you need to talk/vent.

it sounds like your family dont appreseate you at all.

you will find happiness in your life if you haven't already.

hang in there friend, xx

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Welcome to ENA,

 

Have you tried talking to anyone outside your family about this? For example a friend or a counsellor.

 

Are you still living with your family? If so start trying to find a way to get away from their toxic influence if you can.

 

Life can and will get better. Im so sorry for what you have suffered.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with the above. Get out of there if you are still there! Life doesn't have to be like this for anyone, you deserve a lot better. You are going through a lot and no single advice will do. The good part is that you are so young, there's so much time for you to live a normal life from now on! Don't give up until you do, until you try real life, outside the pernicious environment in your family! This is the advice I can give you for now. It must seem like a nightmare to you but you are a grown up now and, if you're willing to try, you are going to be less and less vulnerable to the hurt these people put you through. Find your way out, read books, watch good movies and focus on the better part of things, I assure you, there is one!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...