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I never knew I was such a lousy person. I woke up to a horrible message from a person today on Facebook. I was told that I'm self-centered, negative, rude, ugly and a horrible artist. I'm an idiot as well. I struggle every day to tell myself that I'm an attractive person and that I have so much to offer. I don't have friends. It's hard for me to have time for people if I'm lucky enough to find someone to spend time with. I have been dealt a horrible hand in life. I'm not just saying it to be dramatic, I think most would understand if they only knew. Rather, if they only listened. No one is willing to listen or to even try to begin to attempt to understand. I've dated complete jerks. I've been the victim of my father and child molestation. I was abandoned by my mother. I was used by my foster family to make them look better in society. I work very hard and work insane hours that no one is willing just to be able to pay the bills. I've put myself through school and I still continue to do so all the while facing problems with cost and tuition. But I'm trying my hardest. I always do. I just have so much that has gone wrong. I try to not dwell but seriously how can you not when they seem to just keep happening one after another. I beg and pleed for something to go right each day every morning. I don't have anyone to talk to and it just keeps growing and growing. I seceretly have been facing demons for a long time in regards to suicide. I honestly think that if I didnt have my pets, who always seem to make me happy, that I would have done something a long time ago. they are what keeps me going. it would be selfish for me because they depend on me. They are just as misunderstood as I so I know that my life ending would mean their lives ending. I'm restless all the time. I toy with the idea of what I could do and when. How would I do it? Questions of that nature. I'm finding that I'm completely at peace with death. I'm not worried or scared. I actually find myself almost happy knowing that once I'm gone nothing can hurt me anymore. Not happy as in laughing more calm and euphoric I guess. I kind of feel great. I wish that I could feel this good about living. I'm just so sick of hurting so so badly. I'm sick of being alone and so disliked. It seems that everyone in this city has their opinions about me and nothing is true. besides they all never really knew me. It's mostly based upon a horrible relationship I was in before. the guy was incredibly emotionally, mentally, physically and sexually abusive. People looked out for his best interest. They never knew or believed the truth. I have never had good friends really and that's all I want. I actually have no friends. I had a couple and was mocked and ridiculed by them. I felt like I was the loser chick in high school kicked out of the cool girl club and if anyone knows what it's like to deal with mean girls, it sucks. Not to mention try working with them and having the boss adore them and make your life hell. Things just don't work out for me. I just don't know what to do. I try so hard to not give up but whats the point anymore. People mock me for being bipolar and for being poor. it really hurts. I just want friends. I don't even have family except for my pups. I don't think I'm ever going to have friends and for that matter a guy in my world. I guess it's over for me. People like me are just not worth much.

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I never knew I was such a lousy person. I woke up to a horrible message from a person today on Facebook. I was told that I'm self-centered, negative, rude, ugly and a horrible artist. I'm an idiot as well. I struggle every day to tell myself that I'm an attractive person and that I have so much to offer. I don't have friends. It's hard for me to have time for people if I'm lucky enough to find someone to spend time with. I have been dealt a horrible hand in life. I'm not just saying it to be dramatic, I think most would understand if they only knew. Rather, if they only listened. No one is willing to listen or to even try to begin to attempt to understand. I've dated complete jerks. I've been the victim of my father and child molestation. I was abandoned by my mother. I was used by my foster family to make them look better in society. I work very hard and work insane hours that no one is willing just to be able to pay the bills. I've put myself through school and I still continue to do so all the while facing problems with cost and tuition. But I'm trying my hardest. I always do. I just have so much that has gone wrong. I try to not dwell but seriously how can you not when they seem to just keep happening one after another. I beg and pleed for something to go right each day every morning. I don't have anyone to talk to and it just keeps growing and growing. I seceretly have been facing demons for a long time in regards to suicide. I honestly think that if I didnt have my pets, who always seem to make me happy, that I would have done something a long time ago. they are what keeps me going. it would be selfish for me because they depend on me. They are just as misunderstood as I so I know that my life ending would mean their lives ending. I'm restless all the time. I toy with the idea of what I could do and when. How would I do it? Questions of that nature. I'm finding that I'm completely at peace with death. I'm not worried or scared. I actually find myself almost happy knowing that once I'm gone nothing can hurt me anymore. Not happy as in laughing more calm and euphoric I guess. I kind of feel great. I wish that I could feel this good about living. I'm just so sick of hurting so so badly. I'm sick of being alone and so disliked. It seems that everyone in this city has their opinions about me and nothing is true. besides they all never really knew me. It's mostly based upon a horrible relationship I was in before. the guy was incredibly emotionally, mentally, physically and sexually abusive. People looked out for his best interest. They never knew or believed the truth. I have never had good friends really and that's all I want. I actually have no friends. I had a couple and was mocked and ridiculed by them. I felt like I was the loser chick in high school kicked out of the cool girl club and if anyone knows what it's like to deal with mean girls, it sucks. Not to mention try working with them and having the boss adore them and make your life hell. Things just don't work out for me. I just don't know what to do. I try so hard to not give up but whats the point anymore. People mock me for being bipolar and for being poor. it really hurts. I just want friends. I don't even have family except for my pups. I don't think I'm ever going to have friends and for that matter a guy in my world. I guess it's over for me. People like me are just not worth much.

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Wow, this is really too much to go through. I've known some of the feelings you are describing at time- feeling that I was pursued by bad luck. Have you ever tried counselling? I understand where you are right now and there are indeed points in life where it is too difficult to get up on your own. But you can not give up like this. I think you really have to talk to a psychologist who could maybe help you discover the good parts in you that you now don't see! Most importantly, you have to stop blaming yourself, you've had a very hard time in your life and none of it is your fault. How should those abusers you talk about feel about themselves? You are only the victim and you have to change this negative attitude you have towards yourself. Maybe you haven't looked for friends in the right places? There are good people out there in the world, who will be able to see you for what you are.

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Wow, this is really too much to go through. I've known some of the feelings you are describing at time- feeling that I was pursued by bad luck. Have you ever tried counselling? I understand where you are right now and there are indeed points in life where it is too difficult to get up on your own. But you can not give up like this. I think you really have to talk to a psychologist who could maybe help you discover the good parts in you that you now don't see! Most importantly, you have to stop blaming yourself, you've had a very hard time in your life and none of it is your fault. How should those abusers you talk about feel about themselves? You are only the victim and you have to change this negative attitude you have towards yourself. Maybe you haven't looked for friends in the right places? There are good people out there in the world, who will be able to see you for what you are.

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I'm so sorry. That is really sad. Don't ever say people like you aren't worth much. Its people that take the time to send you messages like that that aren't worth much. Ignore the message, people like that aren't worth your time anyway.

 

You may not have friends because the people you've come into contact with throughout your life just aren't the kind of people you'd ever want to spend time with anyway. Truth be told, most people are selfish and nasty, especially people in high school. You need to surround yourself with the right kind of people, the kind of people that don't judge you.

 

Just make sure you try to have a positive outlook, and don't let things that happened in the past, or are happening now make you a bitter, negative person... people don't tend to like people like that.

 

Sorry again. I sincerely hope things for you will improve. Good luck.

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I'm so sorry. That is really sad. Don't ever say people like you aren't worth much. Its people that take the time to send you messages like that that aren't worth much. Ignore the message, people like that aren't worth your time anyway.

 

You may not have friends because the people you've come into contact with throughout your life just aren't the kind of people you'd ever want to spend time with anyway. Truth be told, most people are selfish and nasty, especially people in high school. You need to surround yourself with the right kind of people, the kind of people that don't judge you.

 

Just make sure you try to have a positive outlook, and don't let things that happened in the past, or are happening now make you a bitter, negative person... people don't tend to like people like that.

 

Sorry again. I sincerely hope things for you will improve. Good luck.

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Thank you all for your support. I have tried counseling and actually I've been seeing counselors of all types for pretty much my entire life. I wish I could afford to see one. Financially it's hard to even pay for the basics and I can't afford to take time from school or work. For 25 yrs nothing has helped. It seems it just keeps getting worse. It probably doesn't help that it's a holiday. I always hurt the worst on holidays. There will be fireworks tonight and I only ever listen to them in the distance. I've never been invited to do something on a holiday. I watch the fireworks on tv sometimes but it just makes me cry. I feel even more alone watching the reactions of the families together, the friends having fun and those in relationships being so close and happy. I just want a piece of it even for a moment. My phone even depresses me. I mean, the last incoming call was over 4 months ago from someone who wanted to speak to me. I just get so tired. I try so hard to find beauty in the world and with people. I think I'm a good person, but people don't see it. I volunteer and work with families in need. I rescue and foster animals. I have many interests and love to talk about them with people. I would give up anything to have a friend. I know I choose poorly but I'm always so happy when someone actually wants to hang out with me even if they aren't the nicest. I put things aside just so that I can have company for even a minute. I've found myself though even having a hard time with that. I get so nervous and anxious that I can't breath and I cancel plans. If I'm lucky enough to have any. I'm just so afraid that those bad things people say are true and that whoever I'm hanging out with is just going to make fun of me and dislike me. I figure if their going to end up doing it anyway what's the point of putting myself through it. I just want some happiness. I want to feel pain sometimes, sadness sometimes and to cry tears sometimes. But not as often as I do. i want to cry tears of happiness and to smile more too. I want to be included and to feel welcome. But i'm not sure anymore. If I've been in counseling for 25 yrs and it hasn't worked yet, will it ever?

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Thank you all for your support. I have tried counseling and actually I've been seeing counselors of all types for pretty much my entire life. I wish I could afford to see one. Financially it's hard to even pay for the basics and I can't afford to take time from school or work. For 25 yrs nothing has helped. It seems it just keeps getting worse. It probably doesn't help that it's a holiday. I always hurt the worst on holidays. There will be fireworks tonight and I only ever listen to them in the distance. I've never been invited to do something on a holiday. I watch the fireworks on tv sometimes but it just makes me cry. I feel even more alone watching the reactions of the families together, the friends having fun and those in relationships being so close and happy. I just want a piece of it even for a moment. My phone even depresses me. I mean, the last incoming call was over 4 months ago from someone who wanted to speak to me. I just get so tired. I try so hard to find beauty in the world and with people. I think I'm a good person, but people don't see it. I volunteer and work with families in need. I rescue and foster animals. I have many interests and love to talk about them with people. I would give up anything to have a friend. I know I choose poorly but I'm always so happy when someone actually wants to hang out with me even if they aren't the nicest. I put things aside just so that I can have company for even a minute. I've found myself though even having a hard time with that. I get so nervous and anxious that I can't breath and I cancel plans. If I'm lucky enough to have any. I'm just so afraid that those bad things people say are true and that whoever I'm hanging out with is just going to make fun of me and dislike me. I figure if their going to end up doing it anyway what's the point of putting myself through it. I just want some happiness. I want to feel pain sometimes, sadness sometimes and to cry tears sometimes. But not as often as I do. i want to cry tears of happiness and to smile more too. I want to be included and to feel welcome. But i'm not sure anymore. If I've been in counseling for 25 yrs and it hasn't worked yet, will it ever?

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I wish I could suggest a good way to make friends...I guess financial issues get their toll on everything too, I know very well what you mean. Isn't there anyone at work you like? Or in school? You might have to try to see if you like a person first. If you are just glad for the attention you'll probably not get the right people around you. Everyone can make friends, I'm sure of it. I'm not the most sociable person in the world, I only get close to a few people, but usually I can tell when I'm around someone I'll be able to click with. Why do you always think that people dislike you?

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I wish I could suggest a good way to make friends...I guess financial issues get their toll on everything too, I know very well what you mean. Isn't there anyone at work you like? Or in school? You might have to try to see if you like a person first. If you are just glad for the attention you'll probably not get the right people around you. Everyone can make friends, I'm sure of it. I'm not the most sociable person in the world, I only get close to a few people, but usually I can tell when I'm around someone I'll be able to click with. Why do you always think that people dislike you?

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well, I talk to a handful of people at work, but I also work with two that I thought were good friends. I was so excited to finally have made great girl friends. It lasted up until I found out the things they were saying. With my own ears and various things they did. I try to call people or txt and make plans but they rarely answer. And most people there are friends with the girls who I'm no longer friends with. It's like high school there. If they don't approve, and trust me they're watching, then it isn't happening. The people I've met in school are just getting into school. So they're in the phase of parties and what not. I'm starting a new program in the fall to work towards my degree at another school. I hope to meet some people a little more like me there. My problem is also that I had to move out of a place I was living in. I lived with a guy who was very abusive and i came home one day to my things on the porch and my dog tied up to a tree. I had to move in with a relative. People make fun of the fact that I live "at home" and they don't care to know why. And really, it's not like I'm living for free. I pay rent. It was the only choice I had. It's not fun for me. I was crying today in my room and there was a knock on the door followed by a "what the hell is your problem?" My family doesn't care and tells me that I'm over dramatic and they incourage me to kill myself because they don't think I would do it. The truth is probably not, not now at least, but it makes me upset like I have to prove I could because it's just another way that I'm a failure and a loser. Even reading what I have written to complete strangers on here makes me feel that way. To be honest, I think that I'm simply going to get responses about how much of a negative person I am and how I need to grow up and that things are my fault. I know it's not necessarrily true nor will it most likely happen but I can't help but feel this way.

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well, I talk to a handful of people at work, but I also work with two that I thought were good friends. I was so excited to finally have made great girl friends. It lasted up until I found out the things they were saying. With my own ears and various things they did. I try to call people or txt and make plans but they rarely answer. And most people there are friends with the girls who I'm no longer friends with. It's like high school there. If they don't approve, and trust me they're watching, then it isn't happening. The people I've met in school are just getting into school. So they're in the phase of parties and what not. I'm starting a new program in the fall to work towards my degree at another school. I hope to meet some people a little more like me there. My problem is also that I had to move out of a place I was living in. I lived with a guy who was very abusive and i came home one day to my things on the porch and my dog tied up to a tree. I had to move in with a relative. People make fun of the fact that I live "at home" and they don't care to know why. And really, it's not like I'm living for free. I pay rent. It was the only choice I had. It's not fun for me. I was crying today in my room and there was a knock on the door followed by a "what the hell is your problem?" My family doesn't care and tells me that I'm over dramatic and they incourage me to kill myself because they don't think I would do it. The truth is probably not, not now at least, but it makes me upset like I have to prove I could because it's just another way that I'm a failure and a loser. Even reading what I have written to complete strangers on here makes me feel that way. To be honest, I think that I'm simply going to get responses about how much of a negative person I am and how I need to grow up and that things are my fault. I know it's not necessarrily true nor will it most likely happen but I can't help but feel this way.

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Don't think in advance about what everyone is thinking or saying. Granted, you seem surrounded by not-so- good people. At least on this forum, no one is here to judge you. Many people coming here have issues of all kind, as it is normal and human to have unfortunately. Also, being negative is not some sort of a disease. It's definitely something you can change and something we've all been or are at certain times! Focus more on what you like and try to follow your instinct or find it, if you don't trust it yet. Not everyone has to like you, society can be cruel at times. Try to figure what and who you like, if there's no one yet, you will find them. I believe there is company for everyone in the world really.

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Don't think in advance about what everyone is thinking or saying. Granted, you seem surrounded by not-so- good people. At least on this forum, no one is here to judge you. Many people coming here have issues of all kind, as it is normal and human to have unfortunately. Also, being negative is not some sort of a disease. It's definitely something you can change and something we've all been or are at certain times! Focus more on what you like and try to follow your instinct or find it, if you don't trust it yet. Not everyone has to like you, society can be cruel at times. Try to figure what and who you like, if there's no one yet, you will find them. I believe there is company for everyone in the world really.

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To be honest, I think that I'm simply going to get responses about how much of a negative person I am and how I need to grow up and that things are my fault. I know it's not necessarrily true nor will it most likely happen but I can't help but feel this way.

 

No one here is going to judge you or claim you are a negative person. So many of us can relate to your feelings about not having any close or reliable friends. True friends are very hard to come by and that is very sad. Open up to us and maybe it will help. Wishing you the best.

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