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Enough Already (and other thoughts)


Mishmash
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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I woke up this morning with the thought of "Enough Already". It occurred to me that since the break-up of the marriage (15 months ago) not a single day has gone by that he hasn't entered my thoughts in some form or another.

 

It could be good or bad memories, issues with the divorce, where I was last year at this time, what he's doing right now, does he think about his kids, the list goes on and on....(and no, I don't miss him or want him back). I know a lot of it has to do with the divorce not being finalized and all the unresolved issues that's swirling around it - like the foreclosure, contempt of court date, not receiving child support. I'm sure once the ink dries on the divorce papers I'll be better able to move on with my life, but right now I feel emotionally stuck.

 

I also find myself comparing my life to his, which isn't healthy. My thoughts follow the logic that if he's already living with his instantly made internet family (just add water), what's wrong with me? Obliviously he's moved on from his old life with me and his kids, why can't I get over it and move on? Why am I still healing and not ready to commit to a new relationship? Why am I so slow in this process? What's the matter with me?

 

Then I remind myself:

 

1. He's the one who had the affair and jumped straight into that relationship. He left us high and dry and never had to deal with the issues that I'm going through, so don't compare what I'm feeling to what he's done. He's the cause and I'm feeling the effect. With that, I'm not saying everything is his fault, just the way he handled things then and now.

 

2. As long as I'm working through this mess, then I'm entitled to take however long is necessary to heal.

 

3. I'm not one to jump from relationship to relationship, I'm a bit more cautious and guard my heart. No rebound or band-aid relationships for me.

 

4. Why would I want to compare myself to him, anyway? To someone who hurt so many in his life by walking away? His mother and father, his grandmother, his siblings, his nieces and nephews, his first wife, his children, me. He cut and left all of those people out of his life without a word or explanation. All the lies and deceiving he's done throughout his life. I don't need to hurt or compare my life to someone like that.

 

It just seems like one endless thought loop that I need to break free of. Enough Already.

 

Done rambling...

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I only broke up with my husband 6 months ago and I'm the same as you, think about him a lot, but no longer cry myself to sleep, blame myslef for driving him into the arms of another woman, wish he see sense and leave her and come back to me. I just want to move on and re-build my shattered life.

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As for any comparisons, well I got the children (1st and most importatnt thing) marital home, paid for, car, paid for, an allowance paid to me and work two part-time jobs. Yeah she has a nice place and he is still rich but I've got just as much as them if not more. He is the loser not me.

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