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My friend and I love the same girl


d40sithui

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Hello everyone,

I've been reading threads on this site off and on for a while now, but never had to courage to post anything. Of course, before my problems were different - but they had worked themselves out with time. I come to you now to ask for your advice as human beings on what the right decision would be. Most of you seemed kind with a great sense of compassion for others, so this is why I decided to post.

Let me start by telling a little about myself. I promise it won't be too long. I am a 25 years old guy living on Maryland. I would say I'm pretty good looking, but not too confident half of the time. I am often silly, making stupid jokes, puns, sex jokes whenever I can. I was once compared to the character Chandler on the show "Friends." I'm a decent guy. I love my family very much and would do anything to make them happy. One of my biggest problem is being excessively self-analytical.

I've also got another problem - I recently realized that I have feelings for someone(lets call her Mary) that my friend (lets call him Bob) has been pursuing...I don't know how this happened or when, but usually I am not attracted to girls like Mary. Now, I can't stop thinking about her. When we first met, which was about a year ago, I had a strange feeling about her, but I put it off because she was not as "hot" as the ideal woman I had in mind. I've often told my friends that I am just not interested and that she is not my type. I've also encouraged Bob to go for her as he initially expressed interest. Now I wish I didn't.

Lately, we've talked a lot. It started out just harmless online chat, but eventually we even made plans to go to lunch and the movies. I work about 10 minutes from her house so it was convenient for the both of us and since I usually go out to get lunch by myself anyway, I figure it wouldn't hurt to have company. Though we have not done anything romantically, I feel like I'm a bad person for going behind my friend's back. She knows that Bob likes her. She tells me that she could not see herself with him as there was no chemistry. To be honest, that made me happy at the time, but I still feel guilty. I don't want to hurt my friend as I know that he's been hurt before a couple years back by another girl who rejected him. I know that it feels terrible. He was sad at the time and I've tried to comfort him on a lot of occasions. All of us went to a housewarming party last night, but I felt so distant with her. I sense that she was distant with me too. I find myself hard to enjoy the party.

I'm young and I don't know a lot of answers to life and relationships. I'm not sure what love is. I"m not sure how she feels about me. Am I a bad person? What is the right thing to do? Thanks for reading.

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I would say be honest with your friend & tell him how you feel about her. The worst thing he can do is ask you not to purse her any further out of respect for him (as it may end your friendship) and even then he may change his mind after some time to get used to the idea.

 

Or...he may give you his blessing right away. Don't let the oppotunity pass you by if you feel she is worth it.

 

I too overanalyse things & have had a bad experience where it messed with my head. It was a period of three months & a pretty stressful time (yeah a girl was involved, lol). I tend to think about evey possible outcome to a situation. You've identified that there is a problem there & now you can alter your behaviour in a positive way

 

(That's funny people compare you to chandler too...i get that a lot, lol...weird, eh?)

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I think you should tell you're friend.

 

Besides, you're friend would be stupid to deny you an opportunity that he doesn't have anyway, given she doesn't like him.

 

If you don't tell him, it'll be worse, because he'll think you're going behind his back and whatnot and he'll likely be offended.

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I think you should tell you're friend.

 

Besides, you're friend would be stupid to deny you an opportunity that he doesn't have anyway, given she doesn't like him.

 

If you don't tell him, it'll be worse, because he'll think you're going behind his back and whatnot and he'll likely be offended.

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Thanks for replying to my post fiend and mrvaughn. I think in a way I thought of the same thing. Having no one to talk to about this sort of thing, I figure this was the best option. She is worth it. You know if there was no 3rd person involved in this, it would be so much easier. I am afraid of whats going to happen. I feel like I will lose one or the other...but you're right I will tell him... He feels very strongly about her. And given his past, I really don't know what's going to happen.

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Wait-- she's told you she feels no chemistry with him, but has she made it clear to him that she's not interested, as well?

That would be the first thing (ideally) that should happen, so if she hasn't been forthright with him herself, you should encourage her to be.

You shouldn't have to play messenger between them, and doing so may cause more problems in the long run.

 

As far as your friend "Bob" is concerned, I have been in his shoes before, and yes, it sort of sucks to have someone choose your friend over you, but I would never begrudge a friend happiness.

You can't make her like him, and if she doesn't, then why are you placing this burden on yourself?

 

You are well entitled to see her.

I do think that you should be sensitive to your friend-- like, no need to go into detail with "Bob" about what happens between you and "Mary", at least not until he's over it a bit.

But really, if you he and you are around the same age, he should be adult enough to be understanding, eventually get over the ego-bruise, and as your friend, be happy for you.

 

It is doubtful that you would feel guilty about hanging out with her as "friends" if you didn't have some attraction for her.

Who cares whether she meets what you thought was your on-paper (or superficial) ideal?

It's only with experience that we learn about what really makes us tick, and it sounds like you've come accross something with real potential.

 

No need to justify your interest in her by saying 'well, she just happens to live nearby', and so on and so forth-- that just seems disingenuous.

It's completely acceptable-- and far more respectable, in my opinion-- to just say,

"I enjoy her company, and would like to spend time with her."

Be frank with your friends.

 

The only way that you can screw up is is you're dishonest with either of them.

 

In case you're wondering, I've been in the "Mary" shoes, before, as well.

With that in mind, watch out for sending her mixed messages.

 

Oh, and be wary of what "Bob" (or anyone else) may be saying to her... it's not unlikely that word leaks back to her that you'd told your friends that you weren't interested.

You'd be surprised how garbled your intentions might seem-- or how potentially hurtful this sort of thing can become-- if you don't take the sort of clear action that you would were Bob not mixed into the equation.

So, definitely go for it.

Let her know you're interested, and make haste, or else you will most certainly miss out on what sounds like a good opportunity.

 

In short: Keep your communication with Mary (and with Bob) honest, open, and direct.

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