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Mother in law problem


Devchonka
How Do I Stop The Resentment? Let M...
How Do I Stop The Resentment? Let Me Help!

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Hey guys, so I'm having bit of a hard time coping with my situation. I guess the lettign go of my ideal living situation has been very hard.

 

Bit of background...my fiance and I are living separately...i live wth my parents to save up money while starting grad school and he lives with his elderly mother and bum brother....well, they live with him is more of the thing. We are getting married in 2.5 years and are looking to buy a house in a year.

 

I've always been living with my parents because i had the opportunity to go to college and consentrate on my degree that way. But, the problem with that is that my parents are very obsessive in a sense; you have no private space anywhere....theyre very over bearing...there really is no peaceful moment you can have for sure without someone buggin you, or asking you to do something, or just coming into your room and staring at you...then starting an argument because you asked them to leave. I need quiet private peaceful space. The only one I agreed into my future is the fiance. And I was always dreaming of the time ill finally have my house where i can run around naked if i feel like. Where i can have a peaceful breakfast in the kitchen quietly with no one interfering....no sound, no yelling, no questions, nothing.

 

To add to the dream, i keep dreaming of when he and i move in together and have our first place, all the romping everywhere, making breakfast half naked and generally enjoying our blossoming life (including our first year of marriage alone).

 

Here' the problem: He has two older brothers, both not very educated and not going anywhere in life, one living alone and other living with my fiance for now because the mother felt bad for him. They're about ten to fifteen years older than him. By my tradition, the oldest takes care of the mother, the oldest is living on his own and can use her help via retirement to pay for things and live peacefully together. But somehow, the younest (my fiance) is the one taking care of her and is supposed to for life. He had his life to get used to the idea and so he's come to peace with it but i just don't freaking understand how this is going to work.

 

He's only 23 and I feel like this is the most selfish thing in the world....is he not supposed to have a young life? With his young wife? On his own? His mom also has settled in nicely to live her life with him and me. Although, if she has ever felt like it, she could just move to florida with her sisters and have company with people her own age on the beach and enjoy her retirement (her husband left her few years back if youre wondering). She preffers to stay with us....for our entire young married life, our first place, everything. And to add to things, i'm loud during sex and i ALWAYS have to keep quiet, never fully letting go of all inhibitions. So...am i supposed to keep quiet for my entire life?

 

She's 63 right now....(not to be cruel on this but just stay with me)....she smokes and has diabetes so lets say she lives to 83.....that would make me 43 the first time ill be FINALLY living with no parent in the house. If i choose to have kids....you can pretty much scratch me ever living on my own wth my husband.

 

I really care about her, she's funny, a little nuts, and is more like a grandmother than a mother because she doesn't nag (although haha i don't think i would care if she did since i don't really speak spanish and she doesn't speak english). Although, she is loud, hispanic loud, from the morning to the night....loud loud loud. And that doesn't sit well with me because all i want in life is peace and quiet.

 

And so, I'm having a hard time dealing with this. A very hard time. Is anyone else dealign with this situation? Am i being too selfish or do the things i want make sense? Any solutions? The only thing i can come up with -which my parents mentioned- is buying a duplex as our first house so we can live up stairs and she can live down stairs in seprate apartments...although she's just going to spend all of her time in our living room anyway all day everyday. In the end it would also be benefitial, later in life when we buy a single house we can rent the duplex and basically have our mortgage and duplex mortgage paid by the rent. The only thing is, we have an opportunity to buy a single house NOW which I know both him and I prefer, renting out a place comes with more responsibilities than i'd like to have in life (I know because my dad rents and I'm his translator), and we can skip all the steps in between and go for a single from the start...if we didn't have an extra occupant.

 

 

 

I wish the situation was different. Why can't she just freaking go to florida?

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I'm not sure a duplex would work.. it sounds like she really enjoys your (you and her son's) company. Also even if you had a duplex you couldnt really stop her chosing to spend every moment over at your end.

 

It's a worry Someone (either you or your fiance) is going to end up upset and resentful at the end of all this.

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  • 2 weeks later...

devchonka, first i want to say BLESS YOU for recognizing your MIL is a great lady. the worst ones interfere and chuck molotov cocktails into the relationship at every opportunity. i am happy to report that i have a latin MIL and she is the best.

 

second, i have to say that latino cultures value proximity and expressiveness... the more you can touch, hug, kiss, and show affection toward your MIL the better you will be with her! she is already showing hers toward you. you are SO lucky! even if it causes you discomfort, please make an effort to be extra affectionate with her. that doesn't mean you have to tell her all about your intimate business. you can keep that separate. and that will build the foundation for your request of a quieter environment, PLUS later on when you need child care from a reliable source, she will be the ultimate. This is (only) one way latino culture excels in extended families, which has proven (yes, even with studies) to ameliorate the youngsters' educations, sensibilities, and family and cultural connections.

 

as for the brother situation, i don't have much advice except to say that perhaps you shouldn't extend too much support toward them over the years. no extragenerous marriage gift, baby bonus, or piggy bank contribution. definitely, no loans!

 

hope this helps, even marginally.... good luck chica

 

p.s. can only help if you get some Spanish CDs and practice basics ;-)... it's perhaps not fair to expect her to learn another language

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