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From Shy to Cool: I don't want to be lonely no-more.


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I am 25, and feel that I have wasted too much time living this way. I can't keep on doing this to myself. I need to change.


The Point of This Journal:


A way to document where I am in life at the moment and monitor my thoughts, actions and experiences as I work towards a more fulfilling life.


I believe that by having something written down, it will motivate me to push harder and go forward.





It's Saturday night and I feel so lonely, like nobody cares that I even exist. I could probably count the number of friends whom I could talk to about things with one hand. If my other hand had all of its fingers chopped off, that would be a representation of the number of people I know that I could call to 'hang out' with.


I think that I am lonely in the whole sense of the word. I am severely lacking in the social interaction that I desire, but also dearly want to be involved with someone romantically. In real life, I have been downplaying the desire to find a partner, but the reality is that I dream about it almost every day. I spend about 70% of my time online either on eNA, reading up on dating tips, or on online dating sites. If I'm going to honest to myself, I would have to say that I wish to find love first, and friends to socialise with second. Realistically though, either of the two would be really good at the moment.


This feeling of loneliness has really taken its toll on my life. At times, I have temporarily tried to fill in the void of being alone by spending money on things for myself, such as video games. However, I don't really play them enough because they don't solve the problem of not having friends/partner to go out with. Additionally, this feeling has demotivated me to do other routine tasks such as going to the gym.


I definitely want to deal with my shyness issues, because they will go a long way to removing these feelings of loneliness.



On Friendships:


When I was young, I never really had very many friends. Sure, there were the group of guys/girls that I hung out with at school, but I would never go over to their house, nor they come over to mine. However, I changed schools when I was 9 and I believe that this is when things started to become bad. It was from this point onwards that I started to become very shy and quiet. It was also around this time that I started to develop a strong interest in computers. My parents bought me a computer when I was 10. Naturally, the friends that I made at the time were also into computers and were rather geeky.


This trend also continued as I started high school. I was part of the 'geek' group during my early years of high school. I probably spent all my spare time in front of a computer. So instead of trying new hobbies or getting some practice dating girls, I was spending hours on end looking at a screen. Computers were my life at this time. My friends at high school were as bad, if not worse. It wasn't until my final year of high school that I started to socialise more, and as a result became closer to people that were my acquaintances during the earlier years. I had a good group of people to hang out with, and thought that things were pretty good. However, people and circumstances change, and we all started to drift apart over time. I will see some of them maybe once a year now.


Because I was so shy, I found it very hard to make many new friends during my time at university. I had acquaintances in some of my classes, but they would just be people that I spoke to during class. Shyness is a funny thing. It can so easily be misinterpreted as being snobbish. I'm sure that many people did think that I was, even though I definitely didn't want to come accross being like that. I was very afraid of just initiating conversation or even just saying 'hi'. To this day, I still very much fear this.


As an adult, I find it very hard to make friends. It's nice when I can have a good conversation with someone, but how can I make it so that we become friends?!



On Girls, and Finding Love:


I am aware of 'love-shyness' and I do exhibit many of the traits that Dr. Gilmartin outlines in his studies.


As a child, I never had the 'girls are icky' attitude. I got along fine with girls. When I had reached middle school and started having crushes on girls, I started to become afraid of girls. I would go bright red whenever a pretty girl started talking to me. I recall a time when I was getting my hair cut by a pretty young hairdresser; she made me feel so nervous that I started to sweat. I started at an all-boys high school a year later, and had barely any female contact during my teen years. My parents believed that this would be good for me, but really, I think that this period had a real negative impact on me.


I didn't start dating until I was 16. I found this girl via the internet. The period between 16 and 17 was when I started to actively look for girls to date online. During the next few years, I went on a few dates and nothing really happened because I lacked the knowledge or practice of being around girls and dating while I was younger. I am now 25 and haven't been on a date in years.


As much as I feared female contact when I was younger, and to an extent still do - I've been known to still go red when attractive female store attendants speak to me; I get along better with females than males. I think that this is because I am probably more sensitive and emotional compared to other guys. I guess this is also due to the fact that I don't need to prove anything to them - it's natural for guys to be competitive. To be honest, I probably prefer to befriend females over males. Whether this is a good thing or not, I don't know.



On My Personality:


I really feel that my shyness hides the person that I really am. I am somebody that likes to show off my abilities, not in a cocky way, but in a way that people do take notice and will respect me for it. On the other hand, I get embarrassed very easily, so I downplay my abilities/knowledge somewhat to avoid standing out.


Similarly, deep down inside, I am somebody that likes to be different and break any stereotypes that people may have. However, as before, I downplay this alot around people that I am not completely comfortable with.


I find it very hard to deal with rejection. Again, due to the fact that I am rather sensitive.



What I Want Out Of Life:


1. A decent career with a well-respected job - I am well on my way to this.


2. Meet new people and make new friends - Must change these negative feelings of embarrassment and work on my self-esteem issues.


3. Find a partner - I am not desperate, but I want to share a deep emotional connection with somebody. I need to start dating again. I've been out of the 'game' for so long that I don't even know where to start anymore.


4. Try new things and pursue the hobbies that I always wanted to do when I was younger, but was either too embarrassed to try or could not afford to do.

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