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should I leave my wife and 2 kids


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I have been married for 7 years and have in the main been happy. However my have recently been thinking of leaving my wife. Without rambling too much, below is a list of reason I can think of.

 

1. Although she works hard in the house and is busy, she does not show any affection to the kids and then wonders why they seem to favor me and their aunties over her.

 

2. she seems to shout at the kids for no real reason (ok, sometimes they are very stressful, I get that) she does not give them a chance to stop but simply shouts loud enough to burst my ear drums.

 

3. We constantly argue over family.

 

4. She is unable to let anything ride with friends (eg, if they don't reply to text messages etc)

 

5. she takes things to the extreme all the time over issues and holds grudges with friends and family (except her own)

 

6. she has told me more than once that she is not overly happy with our relationship and that I never offer to take her out.

 

7. I don't, this is true (I don't really feel like taking her out, for reason which will follow)

 

8. She tends to go out nearly every week with friends and sisters (whether we have the money or not)

 

9. she forgot me on fathers day (for the first time ever)

 

10. I feel she is very selfish and considers herself before anybody else.

 

11. we had sex 2 months ago and I'm not sure about the time before that (maybe a month or two before) - on the plus side, my right arm seems to be getting really toned up. lol

 

12. I approached her about the kids issue, she tried for a week or two but it is now just as it was,

 

13. when we go out (or she goes out) she get pissed and over the top and shows herself and me up.

 

14. she knows this and still does nothing to stop it (I think this is the reason we have lost or become distant to alot of our friends.)

 

15. I don't fancy her that much.

 

She does not work but she has done things to relieve her boredom such as night time college and sport but I think this just added to the affection issues with the kids due to her work load. I come home every night and play with the kids and put them both to bed (they will not allow her to put them to bed and when she does, she ends up shouting at them because they are asking for me.

 

I am not perfect but I do my bit around the house, I often clean on a weekend either with her or whilst she is in bed hung over. We recently had a big argument and I told her I was going to leave her (when we were drunk) and she talked to me the next day when sober and said she needed to change. I don't get it, I'm really frustrated and feel that I don't make her happy but she deserves to be happy.

 

I deserve to be happy but the only thing making me happy is my kids, I love them soooooo much, I wonder whether they are the reason I am still married.

 

I don't know if i can stand being away from my children but more importantly I think, If i leave, they will be mostly with their mum whom I am sure does not make them happy (at least whilst I'm here, they get an 2 hours of fun and she gets a little rest bite. The kids don't see much of our issues as I tend to keep them to night time when I bring them up or I do not mention them.

 

This is not meant to be a slur on the wife as she is hard working and a committed mother and wife but this is how I feel. Should I leave? I would love to hear from people who have been through similar things.

 

Thanks

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Im sorry your feeling this way. No, I don't think you should give up so easily. I would suggest you re-read your vows and then do all you can to make it work. Counseling perhaps. If some of these issues are fixed, I bet you will feel differently about her, maybe even closer to her.

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I don't know if you should leave her right away. It sounds like she is becoming an angry person and mad at the world. She holds grudges against people, yells at the kids, and drinks a lot. Those are all signs of depression. Have you talked to her about getting some help? She needs to talk to a Psychiatrist.

 

This could all be due to the fact that she feels you don't love her anymore. You even said yourself that you don't fancy her anymore. Women pick up on these kinds of things. If she knows this, then how else do you expect her to act? She is acting out and doing her own thing now. If you feel like getting a divorce or separating for a while could help this marriage, then by all means do what you have to do.

 

Otherwise, it is very unhealthy for you kids to have to put up with mommy and daddy not showing any love to each other and mommy leaving at night to go party with friends. This is not healthy for them. They need stability.

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I mean what other advice could we give to you other than to stick up for yourself? You let too much slide, and although you can complain all day about the fact that people in general shouldn't have this tendency to act like this if uncontrolled, you will see no progress from merely complaining. So basically you need to communicate with your wife very swiftly and with force that she either changes her way for the permanent, or you will exit the relationship post haste!

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Reasons 1-15 all bs.

 

You absolutely need to stay for the 2 kids, unless your two kids risk danger of being MURDERED by your wife. Fact is, your kids need a mother and a father in the home. Doing anything to take that away from them is just selfishness. It's more destructive in the end. Now go work on your marriage. You married her didn't you?

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Well, I don't imagine it can be very easy for a mother to be rejected by her own children like that. I also think she probably needs help.

But - you ended your list of complaints with - "I don't fancy her that much". Have you ever truly loved her? Has she changed somehow recently or was she always this way? Because - if there are no feelings there, it's not really worth saving.

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I'd also mention that you're not helping her either. I don't know her obviously, so she may be indeed a cold and angry person. But she also seems to live in a hostile environment right now and this makes people bitter, obviously.

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Reasons 1-15 all bs.

 

You absolutely need to stay for the 2 kids, unless your two kids risk danger of being MURDERED by your wife. Fact is, your kids need a mother and a father in the home. Doing anything to take that away from them is just selfishness. It's more destructive in the end. Now go work on your marriage. You married her didn't you?

 

So are you a firm believer that parents stay together no matter what just for the kids?

 

I don't know if you've heard of these things... but it's been proven time and time again how some people are growing up emotionally and mentally damaged by two parents who could never get along but just "stayed together for the kids"... I have heard several people say they resented both their parents because of constant arguments and fighting in the household... and that they wished their parents would have divorced instead!

 

It's not a black and white situation. You have to look at everything and decide on what's best for everyone. Of course, you should try to work out a marriage, but if it doesn't... "staying together for the kids" isn't the only option. My ex-husband wasn't ready to "kill my kids", but I divorced him because he endangered them by smoking pot and drinking constantly around them (he even smoked pot with minors...), he refused to work after we got married, and did nothing but laze around and trash my house while I worked full-time, went to school full-time, and did all the house duties... Hell yes, I was always pissed. Was he ready to kill them? Umm... no. Do you think I made a mistake and should have "stayed for the kids"...? What would my kids have gained from a man like this? People sometimes make mistakes in who they marry, or people change after marriage. Sticking around for the kids isn't always your solution. In my case, my kids could well be in a foster home or under child protective services for being around a drunk and drugs... (But officer... he wasn't gonna kill them or anything, so I stayed... for the kids... because they need a mother and a father...) Come on now.

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I think when children are involved....

 

When you can you walk out the door KNOWING that you have done EVERYTHING possible to make it work and that you have nothing left emotionallly, mentally and physically to give only then can you move on and find peace of mind and truly on know that divorce really is for the best and the best for every one involved..ONLY THEN. ....Saying that, I don't think you have even begun and I think the minute you walk out the door you will regret it.

 

It sounds to me like you are both stuck in a rut and NEITHER of you is happy. Talk to her.

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I say that you plan a night for you and her. Have the kids stay at a family members house until the next day. Take her out to dinner, watch the sunset, go to a club or whatever you two enjoy doing. Get her a small yet sentimental gift, poetry (how much you love her) wine or champagne, candles and roses. Go home and make love. Or make it a weekend or week vacation but whatever you do try to do something to renew that spark in each other. I feel after you can settle that tension between you two the good things will follow. Maybe she acts the way she does to her kids and you because she is unhappy. Little to no sex life and the problems that have pilled on covered the love you two shared and the reason why you decided to get on one knee and propose to the woman and promise to remain forever faithful. My point is to do something out of the ordinary to show her how much you love her. Reason is because she'd never expect it so the surprise could be enough to put a smile back on. Tell her friends to steer clear cause you have special plans with her, find a place for the kids. Remove anything that would prevent her from having a good time. She probably doesn't deserve it but it takes two to tango and you cannot solve the issues by yourself. Do not just make it about the kids but because you love her. That what I want at least. Someone to grow old with and make new memories with even though I know the person inside and out.

 

This is just coming from a kid whose a part of a family that was split up by divorce.

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I think you both need to get into counseling. You need to talk openly about these issues and see if they can be resolved before making any rash decisions. Maybe your wife doesn't realize how her actions make you feel. Maybe you are misinterpreting her actions. Perhaps there are some of your actions that are driving some of her actions. I am simply speculating but I think any or all of these are possibilities.

 

Before you simply throw in the towel, give counseling a try.

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You need to try counselling, I think.

 

Your reasons are probably incredibly important and significant to you, but to an outsider, they seem kind of thin. I imagine your wife would have a similar list (he never takes me out, he's never romantic etc), and you say that you are not.

 

I think you need to work together as a TEAM, not one person trying to assume all the blame and change. You're a team, you have to work on the team dynamic. I think couples counselling would be an incredibly good thing for you guys to try. Neither of you have been unfaithful, are abusive, are horrible etc - and you have two lovely children.

 

If it were me, I would work a lot lot lot harder on making my marriage work before I talked about walking out over these fairly minor issues (I don't mean they are not significant, but they are not unforgiveable marriage breakers like we so often see here).

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Reasons 1-15 all bs.

 

You absolutely need to stay for the 2 kids, unless your two kids risk danger of being MURDERED by your wife. Fact is, your kids need a mother and a father in the home. Doing anything to take that away from them is just selfishness. It's more destructive in the end. Now go work on your marriage. You married her didn't you?

 

 

Exactly...Look at the divorce rate..It's obsurd...People divorce all the time for minor reasons and it can be very destructive for the innocent ones involved (children). If someone can bet divorce and get reinvolved with someone else, then there is no reason why they couldn't have tried to work things out. I understand that people get tired of one another, but that's what other bedrooms are for..

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Staying together for the sake of the kids is one of the WORST reasons to stay married when the relationship is on the rocks. How is providing a home where there is absolutely no love in the best interest of the children? They see Mom and Dad aren't happy and then think that's what a relationship is all about.

 

Once all avenues have been exhausted, in the long run, it's in the best interest of the kids to split. It's far better to have your kids see happy, adjusted parents who don't live together than to see two miserable individuals who do live together. And at some point, the kids start to believe their parents act like this is due to something THEY have done.

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it seems to me that she could be about to leave you with that type of behaviour or even do something really foolish.

 

she is deeply unhappy and rather than leave her,sort your issues out sharpish!

but if you feel your flogging a dead horse then its time to jump, but please please please make sure you get access to your kids in place in concrete before anything else.

 

even though she may seem distant towards the kids, she will no doubt use them as a weapon against you, and for the childrens sake get that sorted. i talk from experience my friend.

 

think kids then once sorted think seperation, get the access in first!

 

and please please dont stay around with her for the kids sakes, it will only damage them, they will adjust to whoever is not around (custody)

and get used to seeing ma/da every other week. just think they will have 2 birthdays/2 xmas's etc etc that will smooth it over a bit for em.

kids are very receptive and see and feel any bad stuff going on, believe! they can.

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Leave her and it will open her eyes hopefully, it did mine my husband left because of a few of the reasons that you have posted, not all but a few. And when he left, it opened my eyes and made me realize what I was doing wrong. If he would have sat me down and talked to me about it , then i probably would have just blew up, it took him leaving me for my to open my eyes and realize what i was doing because i am not that type of person. Unfortuneltly, now he is completely done with me, so If you still love her just spend some time away from her. When we were apart, it made me realize exactly how much he meant to me and how much I was taking advantage of the situation. I would give anything to back and change everything, but i guess that is not going to happen for me now. If you mean anything to her she will realize it just like I did. I have 3 kids, so i know how it is to have children involved too.

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Talk to her about it first and then go to marriage counseling..at least do ur part on trying to save ur marriage before just dumping on it. I say this because my ex just left one day and never came back only to see our daughter I was not working at the time-took time off..and he destroyed my world, self confidence-I fell into a depression and a funk that I had to pull myself out of. He never knew how much he hurt me till this day that he did that to me..didn't see it coming..

Maybe ur wife in her world thinks all is ok for now..don't drop a bomb on someone without trying to fix it first..you might not like the outcome.

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Thanks to everybody for your replies, I have had a lot of soul searching to do and have decided that I will be staying and trying to make a go of it.

 

Most of your coments were constructive and helpful (except for the one who said I was selfish if I leave) My kids mean the world to me and my childhood was mostly without a father so I know the seriousness of it and if I did leave it would be so the children did not grow up in an unhappy home!

 

I obvioulsy wrote my original post when my head was a little messed but having time to think on things, I feel that my wife has not changed since we met 10 years ago but I have. Maybe she needs to change but I think most of you are right, I have not tried hard enough yet so it is too soon to throw the towel in straight away.

 

Again, Thanks for taking the time to reply and letting me have your thoughts, really appreciate it.

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I am glad that you have gotten such interesting and varied feedback from this thread. Honestly, I'm going to try to look at this from both sides. Staying at home with children is the hardest job in the world which gets the least appreciation. I'm not saying that your job isn't difficult, but children are more emotionally exhausting, especially for someone who is naturally more of an introverted person if that's the case for her. Children need almost constant attention, care, and discipline. At work, depending upon the work that you do, you can at least take mental breaks when you want to think about other topics or just stop thinking at all. At work, you don't necessarily have the same EMOTIONAL outbursts, fights, and conflicts to deal with on a daily basis.

 

So, in some sense, if she has stayed home for years, she might not have had the same opportunity to grow and change emotionally and intellectually. I often hear from stay at home moms that they feel that a little bit of their brains are dying because they are living in a completely different world from the professional and educational world where your number one goal is to develop leadership and/or intellectual skills. At home, many times the goal is to keep the peace, keep everyone fed, and to make it through the day. So, it is possible that she is incredibly unhappy and moving towards depression. I wonder this when you mention her anger and seeming unhappiness. And trying to gain some more happiness is most likely the reason she goes to school at night and has taken up sports. Sadly, these other activities have not addressed her underlying issues.

 

So, it sounds like you have an unhappy, possibly depressed wife. I can actually understand how you, the kids, and she might all feel about her relationship with the kids. You feel like you are pitching in by helping out at night. The kids feel like they want to be around you because you are nicer to them than mom. And she might resent that they don't seem to appreciate her work because they are asking for you. And all of you are right. Yes, you are helping. At the same time, of course the kids want to hang with you. Additionally, it's easier to have the emotional space to be happy and friendly with kids when you haven't been around them all day - so you get to swoop in like the good guy. As such, I can see how that creates a 'good daddy/bad mommy' dynamic.

 

Everything that she does actually sounds like she's crying out for help. She's drinking. She's telling you she isn't happy. She's virtually begging you to take her out on dates and rekindle the romantic relationship. And she can more than likely sense that you don't fancy her anymore.

 

Here are a few suggestions. First, realize that one's happiness in a marriage is almost entirely determined by your PERCEPTION of happiness with the other person. Learning to love her again is about learning to identify your unmet underlying needs and working with her to meet them in addition to learning her unmet underlying needs and working with her to meet them. Love is a conscious choice to talk, to speak with each other in a loving manner, and to face your issues. Second, you both NEED counseling. Like yesterday. You need to sit her down, talk to her, and make it clear that the options are either counselling or separation. I don't think you need to leave her to wake her up. That's not giving her a fair chance to really really understand (when you are sober) your seriousness. Third, I actually think that you both need to make some effort to put yourselves in the other person's shoes. I would suggest that you take as much time as you can, maybe three or four days, to stay at home with the kids alone. Do everything she does. THEN I think you will have a new perspective on what her day FEELS like.

 

It's wonderful that you've done some soul searching and want to work on this relationship. The second, and equally important step, it to open your mind and move your feet into action.

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Staying at home with children is the hardest job in the world which gets the least appreciation

I see this a lot and it really isn't true especially once children have started school. In terms of physical exhaustion - try coal-mining or logging or commercial fishing - or nursing or running a day care centre with twenty kids instead of two.

 

I have never seen any of these people with the exception of nursing being singled out for appreciation any more than anyone else.

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I see this a lot and it really isn't true especially once children have started school. In terms of physical exhaustion - try coal-mining or logging or commercial fishing - or nursing or running a day care centre with twenty kids instead of two.

 

I have never seen any of these people with the exception of nursing being singled out for appreciation any more than anyone else.

 

 

Only my opinion, but I say that because the job doesn't discretely start at x and end at y. It's all day, everyday - at least for my sister and some of my friends.

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