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I need to rant.. Why is she suddenly so hostile? Why is she changing so much...


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NOTE! This is a super long post! I don't expect many people to read it... I just really wanted to get this out there. It would be great if anybody actually did read this, though I won't expect it...

 

I'm tired of bottling up most of my thoughts.

 

So, I'll try and sum things up. I'm leaving out plenty believe it or not... it's still very long! I want to be able to get some of this stuff out.

 

 

 

 

I was with a girl for about a year and a half, though we had a very long odd friendship early on. It tended to come and go depending on how she was feeling which put me through hell. She's a very unstable girl emotionally, but when she wasn't acting like a completely different person to me, we clicked perfectly. Her personality and everything about her fits me and we have always had this incredible connection. We'd been best friends for a long time and it slowly became a bit more.

 

So for about a year and a half, after our slowly evolving friendship, we became close. Extremely close. It took me forever until I could really trust her after her ever-changing-personality led me to believe she was completely unreliable and uncaring, but eventually I did and the time I had with her was absolutely amazing. We never had big arguments and were always very open with each other about everything. I was absolutely, head-over-heels, I would do absolutely * * * * ing anything for you, in love. She was incredible to me. The kindest, most loving, affectionate, adorable wonderful person in the world. I just felt the most incredible happy, at peace with the world feeling when I thought about her for the entire relationship. She made everything okay. There were always expressions about how perfect we believed each other to be for ourselves.

 

She then recently began acting oddly towards me, sometimes avoiding me, and then it came out. The whole "it doesn't feel right" anymore ending.

 

The thing is.. I don't believe it's bull * * * * . She was very attached to me as a person as we'd always been at the base, best friends. She told me she'd genuinely been trying and waiting to see if her old feelings for me would resurface but to no avail so, in tears and in the kindest way possible, she spoke to me about ending our relationship.

 

When I say the kindest way possible, I mean it. She'd always been a sweetheart to me and had matured massively over the course of our relationship which was reflected in the way she broke up with me. She insisted on seeing me in person and would not talk about it on the phone when I was curious why she was acting odd. We made plans, she came over and we had a long talk. She let me know everything she had felt and I was also allowed to express myself fully. After a few hours of talking, expressing ourselves and crying, she insisted on taking me to get some food since we were both hungry. She wanted to pay for it. She also then continued asking if she could buy me anything, naming various things I might want as we walked through the mall. She always did that.

 

Later that night I went out to the mall and bought a gamecube video game to play on my wii along with a controller which in total costed $35, already more than I wanted to spend but I didn't want to buy online and wait. I wanted something to distract me and keep me busy, but when I got home I realized I didn't have a gamecube memory card. Doh. I ran back to the store and they said memory card = $20. Woah, alright, no thanks. I went back home and talked to her that night, and she insisted the next day she take me out and buy the memory card for me so I could keep myself busy. She was still so nice and helpful to me even after breaking my heart.

 

We had agreed to stay friends because eventually we will both heal and the kind of connection we have to each other is undeniable..... when it comes to our personalities disregarding emotions.

 

I took lots of time to think, cry, and I'm getting better, but god it still hurts like hell. The end was almost out of left field for me, I had always felt things would be okay and she reassured me of that. At the end of the relationship I was still 100% emotionally invested and in love. I would still have done absolutely anything for her and believed we had a long future together. I can't really eat or sleep much recently, and when I do sleep I have extremely terrible vivid dreams about her. I had one last night and woke up just feeling so so so set back... I won't go into detail.

 

When I say that I mean, that's where we clash. She holds everything in and almost nothing gets out. She handles emotional distress and problems by running away from the source completely and never dealing with it. I on the other hand am constantly thinking. I don't stop. I force myself to deal with my emotions and I do my best to try and get them out because I know it makes things work faster.

 

She's always had these emotional problems, I believe due to a bad upbringing. She has terrible parents. Really stupid, unloving, uncaring, and not people that ever really nurtured her. There's drinking, screaming, constant fighting and hate between her parents and also directed at her. Her mother blatantly lets her know she doesn't love her and that her TV shows are more important. Just a miserable woman who spreads it to anybody she can.

 

This girl was almost raised by everything EXCEPT her parents, so she is very different from them. She is very intelligent and tends to stay happy, but with that comes the fact that she will avoid anything that makes her upset, which I think is a defense technique she developed early on to deal with her * * * * ty parents.

 

That said... she recently decided to move out with some adult friends of hers. The house is about 30 minutes away, she used to be about 5 minutes from me. She lives in the middle of almost nowhere now.

 

Once she let me know she was going to be staying there, I understood her decision. She's much happier there and is treated better. Here's what started happening though:

 

Suddenly she started to avoid me completely. No returning texts, no calling, answering or returning calls, nothing. I waited for a few days without bothering her, figuring she had a lot going on. Eventually I got a bit worried and asked if she was alright, the next day I got "I'm fine" and she wouldn't say anything else. I was worried about her and showed up at her house. She was staying all alone up there for about a week to house sit while her new fake parents were out of town.

 

She accepted me into the house when I showed up and let me talk a little bit. She told me she had just been in her own little world and forgetting everything else. She would see she had texts from me at night and simply not look at them. She kept busy all day and would go out and just drive and keep busy. She said she didn't think at all about almost anything during this week she didn't talk to me. She said she'd also been afraid of talking to me with the fear that I'd just be begging her to come back to me or something. She was kind again after inviting me in and insisted on making me some food, then all of the sudden, in the middle of me talking to her about something mundane, "I want you to leave." This huge thing with her basically yelling at me to leave happened, so eventually I did, though very confused.

 

I talked to her when I got home and she was much calmer. She apologized and continued explaining the way she'd been acting and how bad she feels about it and why she went crazy, which was just that it made her very uncomfortable to have me show up. I kept telling her that she really needs to deal with her feelings rather than avoiding them. She explains to me that she understands she was doing it because she does not want to feel unhappy and I tell her that she needs to because it's normal and it will eventually make things better. She tells me that with everything changing rapidly including her living space, she feels like she just wants to forget everything and become a different person. This is how she handles problems and she's done it plenty before when I first met her.

 

So then she's talking to me again. She invites me to hang out with her the next day. I go and she's once again acting very nice to me and wanting to buy me things. She's wearing a ring also, we both had matching ones we both wore. She stopped as soon as our relationship ended. I asked why she had it on and she said to honor me being such a good friend to her. She was appreciative of the fact that I stopped her from becoming somebody different and trying to get her to deal with things. I had her buy a journal and told her to reserve time everyday to think about things and try and deal with her problems instead of running away and changing. She was at this point very attached to reality. She wanted to hear a song I told her I had made (I make electronic music) and I had brought a CD with it on it. I hadn't actually finished a song in months and months so she was interested in hearing it. We parked and she listened to it. She looked at me after the song ended teary eyed and said "I'm so sorry for doing all of this to you." I did pour my emotions into the music. When she said that it got me a little and I got a bit teary as well and she said "It really kills me to see you like this."

 

A few days later we were having nice contact with each other. I'm still healing, but feeling better about the situation. It'll be nice once we're back to that platonic friendly joking level again like we were when we hung out a few days ago. I still miss everything, but I know it wasn't right for her and I know I can keep healing and we can get to that point. I've been keeping myself busy, starting to jog everynight, etc...

 

She calls me at around midnight one night. "Can you come over" she asks. I'm confused and ask why and she tells me about these restricted numbers calling her and not telling her who they are. Obviously it's a little scary to think about. She's all alone in this house in the middle of nowhere. I reluctantly agree because I figure that well, she's done a lot for me, I owe her and want to help her out if she's really scared. Turns out we think those calls were actually from her parents trying to scare her about being in the new house.

 

I head over there and she ends up also expressing her feelings about everything that's happening with her parents and the move into the new house. I'm glad she's feeling like she can express herself to somebody. She cries and holds my hand, letting me know how much she appreciates me coming out and how good of a friend I am. She lets me know how much stronger I am than her and how she still believes we should stay friends due to the type of connection we have. She lets me know that ending it with me is still hard on her, she's still hurting, and she still misses me. She choked back some tears which were forming.

 

It was very hard for me to go to this house and be alone with her. This was a place she continuously hyped up to me while we were still together. She had no plans on moving out, but knew she'd be house sitting. "Will you please try and stay over one night?" "I'll make you breakfast!" "We can watch tons of movies we never get a chance to!" Along with that was the fact that we can finally sleep together, sexually and... well, actually sleep together. We'd always been very sexually involved with each other but were waiting for a night together to actually do it. We were both excited, but near the end of the relationship she suddenly told me she didn't want me over there at all. That stung like hell, and being there alone with her in this house was painful.

 

So, we talk for a few days consistently after that night and she keeps me updated on what's going on with her and I keep her company on the phone at night. Then her fake parents come home. This was last sunday.

 

She doesn't talk to me all day. Or the next day. I try texting her to figure out what's going on but no answer. The day after that she texts me in the morning and says her parents have been coming to the house and calling the police about her moving out so she's been busy. They want to cancel her health insurance, cell phone plan, everything they can do. She says she'll tell me about it later. I don't hear from her the rest of the day, so I call her house phone and ask her new fake dad if she's around and he says yes. She gets on the phone and is mad at me for calling the house phone and I tell her I was concerned since she hadn't responded to her cell phone in any way. She says she'll talk to me about it tomorrow and not to call back. The next night she says nothing to me all day but texts me to say she'll talk to me tomorrow, again. So now I'm tired of it and I call her house phone in the afternoon after she's been avoiding my texts/calls again after continuously saying she's going to explain what happened. She's acting really odd again, just like she was when she was avoiding me.

 

The conversation consisted of me asking what's going on and her speaking in an odd passive aggressive voice I'd never heard from her before. She's never acted like this before. She was just saying things like "...Uh, sorry. Don't call the house phone anymore, mmkay?" I asked why she kept saying she'd call if she wouldn't and she said "...Yeah, guess I can't really explain that one." She goes "If this is all our friendship is going to be I don't really want to be a part of it." I ask her what the hell that means and she tells me the it's because I'm on the phone with her asking why she's been avoiding me all of the sudden and lying. She keeps saying she's busy and wants to go and promises about 10 times she'll call that night. After hanging up she texts me to say "I'm sorry, I really HAVE been busy and I had people near me while I was on the phone. More later!"

 

She texts me some mundane things I ask about later and says she'll call once more but then says that there are guests over and people sleeping in every room. "I'm going to sleep. Sorry, really no other option at this point."

 

Cut to now.

 

I'm tired of constantly getting excuses like "I'm too busy." It's all 100% bull * * * * . She completely used me for comfort when she needed it and after I helped her get on better terms with herself, and now she's become this complete hostile * * * * * who will not speak with me. She's doing the whole "change into another person" thing to deal with the fact that she has things happen that she doesn't like. Any time I ask I get something about her being really busy, and never a real explanation. Most of our exchanges start with her and she will send me a text almost everyday asking something like "What's up" "Whatcha doin?" Or something mundane, but will then stop responding to me quickly. I'll ask where she went and she'll say "Sorry, busy again."

 

All I want at this point was to keep my friend and I know she's turning back into this person who wants to forget everything so she doesn't have to deal with the fact that she has negative emotions. She was such a genuinely cool, intelligent person and we have always connected, but she's just... ugh, if you've read all of this you should understand. I want to talk to her and I want to keep this stupid * * * * from happening because I'm worried not only about keeping a good friendship, but I'm actually worried about her. I'm the only person her problems are explained or evident to and she might stay like this far too long to ever really mature in this area. It'll cause so many problems for her and people near her...

 

In any case, I'm tired of excusing everything she does with "she has problems." Everybody has problems, but people learn to * * * * ing deal with it, and she even has had me, being this incredibly kind, forgiving guy who's trying to help her heal and learn from her mistakes. At times it seemed it was working, but I'm almost just done with it. I don't deserve the * * * * she puts me through. She, like I said, simply used me for comfort when she needed it and now that she's got more company (fake parents coming home) she won't speak to me and is suddenly very hostile. She lies about calling me later rather than saying "I need space" if that's the case. She takes advantage of the fact that I've been forgiving and kind to her. I don't deserve that, nobody does. I've never done anything to offend her or make her upset.

 

I miss her as the person I came to know. I want that person back. I don't want to just give up because she has the potential to be a wonderful person and a great friend. There is nobody like her I will find, at least not for a long time and even so, getting to know somebody is a difficult process. I want her to be my friend, but she's acting so terribly to me now despite how wonderful she was not long ago. I think if I quit trying she'll truly go through with her "transformation" and continue to never deal with her problems which is just bad for everybody so I don't want to give up but I just... ugh. I feel helpless unless I go out of my way to show up at her house again and force her into dealing with things but that doesn't seem like a good idea.

 

Hopefully when college starts up for me in the fall I'll be able to make some new friends. Maybe one who I can relate to like I could with her but without all of this instability. It's exhausting.

 

It's not like she's somebody who I feel is easily replaceable though. We were both always such oddballs in school, not really fitting in anywhere except with each other. It was wonderful. Sort of "us against the world" type of thing, as she would put it. I still love her as that person and miss her so much that I'll cry at times. I just wonder where the hell she went and why this new person has replaced her. I want my friend back and I feel so helpless in trying to bring them back.. I wish she'd get therapy or something that I can't give her.

 

Anybody seen "Reign over me?" She reminds me of Charlie Fineman in terms of how she's dealing with things.

 

I'm prepared for an onslaught of "GO NC!" I know that's best for me. I know I'll heal faster. I'm just not ready to give up on her yet. I don't want this to happen to her again because she's above it, she just needs guidance. I know she's capable of saving herself and our friendship.

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good luck man you sound like an incredibly nice guy. sometimes people gotta be * * * * ty for a while though, so do what you gotta do to keep from getting too involved. also, remember its unfair to place expectations on other people. we can only place them on ourselves.

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Thanks... I know what you mean. I really shouldn't place expectations on her, despite how easy and sensible it might seem. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I can't continue thinking things will be fair towards me regarding her.

 

What I'd like is to be able to just see her in person and get to have a chat with her, make sure she'll continue coping, thinking, and journaling or something, then take a break from talking to her. It'd be good for both of us, I just wish I could trust she'd not keep this up without a reminder.

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well you should probably let her know what you want. but dont expect to get it. and as far as her saying she wants to talk in texts and things, but then flaking, make sure you put more weight on her actions than her words. i know its hard to not get your hopes up, but dont lead yourself on you know?

 

she'll make a big effort when she wants to talk to you and you'll know. then you just got to decide if you are being played as "the shoulder to cry on guy" or not and what you want to do from there.

 

it sounds like you really love this girl in a human way, not just a "boyfriend/girlfriend" way so do your best to give her what she needs, but know what you need. you arent gonna be much use to her or yourself if you put yourself in a position to constantly get hurt and build resentments you know?

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She doesn't want to be with you right now, but she likes to know you are there if she needs you. She is probably having a hard time in letting go completely but it is giving you mixed signals and is messing with your mind.

 

Don't beat yourself up over not being ready to go NC. It took me 8 months to properly let go of my ex-boyfriend. But perhaps when she sends you a mundane text you should just send a mundane one back and when she stops answering or replying, instead of calling her to ask her why she isn't calling or answering or whatever just back off at that point. She will probably call/text again anyway. By questionning her you are putting her under pressure and that may make her resent the contact she has with you and may push her further away. She obviously needs some space ... you can still give her that without going comletely NC if you feel you aren't ready to do that.

 

But whatever you do, dont expect too much.

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  • 3 months later...

reasearch borderline personality dissorder !

 

It MAY give you alot of answers

 

Youre the angel one minute and next you are evil++

 

I lost a male-male platonic friendship to this 18 mos ago

Was clueless why he emailed me one day how blessed he was to have me as a friend and then one day I said bye at an airport....and he said "

You ever say that again and Ill kick the living sh**t out of you !"

 

Was stunned and perplexed until a social worker friend told me about BPD !

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i think you need to be honest with yourself. from what you posted she hasn't changed at all. Why did you pursue someone that was difficult from the start..........perhaps you thought you would be able to change her? Re-read your first post and then tell me if you really think she has changed

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