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Hoping to find a guy out there who's not a cheater, but has been cheated on. No frills, Just talk to


Happiest26

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I can't say I can relate, but my immediate reaction would be to say "yes." Let go, and soon. It sounds awfully hard to go through two divorces, but the fact that you're able to continue to try with new relationships shows how strong you are. You must know that there's somebody out there for you, and I don't think this is the one.

 

Without knowing the full extent to which he's "after" his ex-wife or any of the details of the situation I couldn't tell you for sure... Have you approached him about it? The fact that somebody who's in a "serious relationship" is going after somebody else seems to be a bit of a red flag...It's not a serious relationship if both members aren't committed.

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Are there any guys out there who've been through the same thing I'm going through? I've been through 2 marriages, and divorces. Working on the 3rd serious relationship in my life. He's after his ex-wife. Should I let go or what?

 

Been there, let him go, it hurts less than living a lie.

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Dump him and then sit back and try to identify what you saw in these type of guys. There are good and faithful guys with solid integrity out there. They may not come with all the exciting bells and whistles but they are the type of guys that you can grow old with.

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There are a lot of men who, without ever cheating themselves, have been cheated on. I'm one.

 

The best thing to do is to go into full no contact (NC). This is for both the cheater and for you.

 

Its for the cheater because they need to know, without the veil of secrecy and the thrill of a covert relationship, what it is they're doing. Once some of the thrill is gone and the relationship begins to be like any other, they can assess themselves.

 

NC is for you because you need to get perspective, begin to heal yourself and decide what it is that you want. Take the time you were investing in your cheater and spend it on you. Do what you like, think throught what it is that you want, exercise, read, travel, THINK.

 

The vacuum you create with NC is necessary. You may not know what will fill the vacuum. But that is a very important question that deserves a chance to get an answer.

 

Its not painless. Its not fun (at least at first). But it is necessary.

 

NC should be ended if and when the cheater comes to you in person and wants to discuss the relationshipwith you. No phone calls, texts, emails, IM's, Facebook, Twitter - none of it.

 

If you have things you must talk about - we have 3 children and are in a divorce - talk about only those things. Its all business not between my wife and I. The kids are most important, the divorce must occasionally be addressed.

 

But if she wants to discuss anthing else, initiating that discussion is up to her. And I believe that this will never happen.

 

Keep your own counsel. No on that you know that also knows your cheater should know wnaything about your thoughts or feelings. I go to a therapist now to try to understand what happened and to deal with it. I don't talk about it with our mutual friends. I do talk to my Dad and my sisters. That's it.

 

To this so that you can get stronger, clearer and more focussed on what it is that you want and need. Somewhere in that process, while you may still want them back, I hope that you discover that you deserve better. 'Better' could be with your cheater. It may not.

 

If they want to come back, you must set boundaries and they must be adhered to fully and with transparency. Not many who've strayed can pull that off.

 

You deserve relationships that are honest, open and reciprocal.

 

Peace & strength,

Raoul

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How to leave an abusive relationshi...
How to leave an abusive relationship and why it's so hard

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