my thoughts, please share yours..

[beerock]

Let me ask this, what if the family of the female who initiated the break was was slightly pressuring her about marriage to that other person. For instance asking things like, So, you been with this person for 2 years when is he going to pop the question? Perhaps the woman being pressured has kids and the parents bring up they are concerned that this man has taken too long to propose and assume he will never ask. the parents are concerned about the children having men come in and out of their life and what it would do to the kids, whatevr that may be. they bring that up and something along the lines of * * * * or get off the pot.

 

Meanwhile, the woman in question is fine the way things are but the pressure makes her react and take some sort of action and when nothing moves forward the woman starts to get frustrated. Emotions start to get riled up and tension arises. This type of manipulation is caused by the family. Seems like it pushes the man away from popping the question and become a little distant. next thing you know she starts thinking what the family saying is true and starts to move away from the man.

 

I have read about woman getting to a point where because of no marriage proposal they get hell bent and argue over every little thing because the proposal was never asked(popping the question). With that being said does anyone concur with that?

 

In my case, it looks like the woman starts to get distant because of the length of time taken for the man to propose. The way the woman started to act when described by the man is pretty much, " she started to get distant and act out etc, then she asks for a break and wants to see other people..."- or something like that

 

Something like that being posted on this forum, is pretty much the general story of EVERY thread on here when it comes to the male stories on here. whether it be because of the cold feet syndrome or genuinely the woman just not wanting to be with you because of certain behavioral traits, which may be changed but not at the point the male is at.

 

 

the difference is one is manipulated by the environment the woman is in. Which causes her to think differently due to outsiders of the relationship giving there opinions. the other reason is the woman just generally lost interest in you and never had thoughts of marriage.

 

You could say that person has issues and you can find better and morally they are wrong. hear cliches like "its not meant to be" "If you love them let them go" etc etc

 

 

So what if you are genuinely in a situation of both parties involved really loving the other person. What if that other person thinks if you don't call you don't call and genuinely just move on because you are not trying to get in touch with them. Which makes them feel that you really never cared. they put that into there head and move on.

 

what if both of you really would have made a great ever lasting couple? The laws of attraction say if you implement NC to generally better yourself and to move on. The attraction level will come back and that other person will possibly come back into your life.

 

what if the laws of attraction in the human case are complete horse * * * * ? I believe the laws of attraction in physics with inaminate objects are correct. How can the laws of physics apply to a living being when it comes to emotions and thoughts. there is not one set of mind behavioral traits that are not unique. so how can a set of laws work on a living object in terms of actions by a person?

 

Like people say NC is not for everyone. What ever happen to taking action to get the job done instead of submissivley hoping not doing anything will actually do something. In terms of getting your ex back? It may work for some but not others. so her in lies the dilemma..

 

I have heard stories from some older folks which have brought up how they had someone they loved intensely and poured their heart out after a break up and just moved on. They hear from that person a couple years later after the other or both are married. Bring up their relationship and one or both parties say something like. "if you had just done this"

 

Now that cliche of a line is not one that really sits well with the party hearing that said. especially if they are married at that point. Psychologically wouldnt one either try to brush it off to get past that and be a good person? The other side would be, the two parties involved enter into an adulterous affair.

 

Funny thing is now a days the adulterous affair is way more common. whether it be because of a true love that was lost, because the morals of the other person are just generally poor. regardless if there was true love the adulterous affair proves to show lower morals and a doomed relationship from the start. Yes you can say the true love is what did it. However if the morals were high enough, you would do it the right way and divorce first. Another words even if it was true love and entering into an adulterous relationship didnt matter because of the true love, there is still a deep rooted ethical issue within the two people and will eventually evolve in their relationship and cause either one or both parties to enter into another adulteous relation ship. hence why i mentioned doomed.

 

taking the higher road and morally just saying to yourself that was then and this is now and are truly in love with the person you are married with or ethically regardless of loving the other person or not your done with the other person. its a matter of, "you had your chance" I did love you but im in love with the other person. So you pretty much psychologically and morally follow the higher road. Mostly religious and morally strong people with a good set of ethics do this. Its healthy. even thought they may have loved that other person more they stand by the person they married.

 

After hearing stories like that multiple times and hearing both paths taken, either they are hooking up with there "true love" or took the higher road and psychologically and morally thought "oh well". lived with that pain for a bit and got back to there life with there spouse. Both parties get injured and all because one or both had a bump in the road and split up.

 

with that said and the woman or man you are broken up with is the true love of your life.

what would you do? Implement NC and let the laws of the universe deal your hand? Or take control of your life and take action?

[melrich]

After hearing stories like that multiple times and hearing both paths taken, either they are hooking up with there "true love"

 

People don't often get back with old flames years after they break up.

 

If they are in fact "true loves" they will not split up in the first place. People in love with each other don't break up as a rule.

[beerock]

People don't often get back with old flames years after they break up.

 

If they are in fact "true loves" they will not split up in the first place. People in love with each other don't break up as a rule.

 

what if the other person assumes its not true love and realizes later it is and its too late?

[melrich]

what if the other person assumes its not true love and realizes later it is and its too late?

 

I've never seen it happen. Sometimes people break up for the wrong reasons but they usually work out that it was the wrong thing to do pretty quickly.

 

Sometimes people meet an old lover years later and it is rekindled but realistically it is rare.

 

I have always said in these forums, people do not break up with people they are in love with. People who are in love with each other find a way to make it work.

[beerock]

ok so you say you have never seen it happen everyone has not heard all the stories in the world of getting back together.

 

let me ask you this. how did the two people in love get back together then? Ho wlong were they apart for? Ive read and have been told stories of people being separated and getting back together but how?

 

does no one have any thoughts on what my thoughts are as far as what I wrote?

[browneyedgirl36]

There were a lot of points in your original post, and if I responded to them all, it would be about 5 pages! But, here are a few of my thoughts:

 

Couples certainly CAN reconcile -- I've seen it happen. Sometimes those reconciliations last, sometimes they don't. My perception based on what I've seen is that more of them don't last, but I'm just basing that on what I've experienced and seen firsthand. If they DON'T last, I think there are a variety of reasons for this, the main one being that whatever broke them up in the first place -- fundamental incompatibility, committment issues, drastically different values and goals, lack of trust, communication issues, etc. -- hasn't been overcome, and the two people have tried to get back together without working on these issues within themselves. Sometimes (and I'm not trying to be negative here -- just honest) these issues CAN'T (or won't) be overcome; sometimes, even if both people love one another, they just can't make it work as a couple because one or both of the parties is set in their ways, or resistant to change, or whatever, and the same issues will just keep cropping up, no matter how many times they reconcile.

 

I think the couples who DO reconcile successfully usually broke up for reasons that can be worked through, provided that they take some time apart to work on those things and that BOTH people re-enter the relationship committed to making it work. It can't be one-sided, though. Both people have to want to do what it takes to make the relationship healthy and lasting.

 

This is where so many reconciliations falter -- the "both people" part. I read a lot of stories on here from posters who want to know how to get their exes back -- following advice from e-books, going NC in the hope of getting them back, trying to "re-build attraction" and all that other stuff. To me, a lot of that just seems like jumping through hoops and making one's self crazy. As I said before, BOTH people have to want it, and if one person does and the other one doesn't, I firmly believe that there isn't anything that can be done to MAKE the other person want it. Yes, you can go to the gym, work out, get a new hairstyle, make a show of "moving on" with your life, and that may make you more attractive, but that doesn't necessarily mean that the other person is going to say "Wow. I made a huge mistake. I want him back!" We can't make anyone feel or know anything...they have to do it themselves. People often try to reconcile too soon, I think, too, not giving enough time to work through their issues before jumping back in.

 

That said, I believe strongly that the BEST chance anyone has of reconciliation is by moving on with their life -- truly moving on, not just making a show of it by acting as if they've moved on. What I mean by this is going back to living life to the fullest and not counting on reconciliation. This may or may not include NC. I advocate a period of NC, at least until you feel you can manage your emotions and not feel compelled to spill your guts everytime you see or talk to the person. I also believe that NC is important, at least for some time, if the ex has moved on to someone else, as inserting one's self into the ex's new relationship, in my opinion, isn't a fair thing to do. If two people really love each other, NC will NOT make one of them forget the other, which I know is a big concern a lot of people have.

 

I am not a hard-core advocate of NC forever UNLESS the breakup was really bad, the person was abusive, a serial cheater, or the relationship was particularly toxic. However, I think that some period of NC is usually necessary to start the healing process and to clear one's head -- a little distance really helps with that. Often, people settle for being "friends" right after a break-up or even continue a sort of quasi-relationship wherein they are still talking, still seeing each other, and maybe even still having sex -- and that, to me, is one of the worst things you can do if you want an actual reconciliation.

 

As for people saying "it wasn't meant to be" and that kind of thing: I don't believe in destiny or fate or anything, but I DO believe that if both people aren't willing to do the work to make the relationship healthy and lasting, then that is not a relationship the two people should be in -- they should move on to others with whom they are more compatible.

[beerock]

Thank you brown eye girl. I really appreciate your thoughts!

[doiiiieeezie]

Couldn't have said it better myself...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Great post but I can't rep you again for it. I agree with everything you wrote.