How important is physical attraction in the reconciliation process?

[Jm2056]

Assuming there was no cheating or abuse, I was curious to know how much physical attraction comes into play in the dumper's mind when considering reconciliation.

 

Everyone always says go workout and get yourself looking good when going through a breakup to help your chances. Does it even matter?

 

I'm kinda curious to see everyone's opinions.

[COtuner]

My changing my appearance made him more upset with me (new clothes, new hairstyle, etc) - his jealousy went berserk at that point

[Effervescent]

I was the dumpee in my situation, but I saw a picture of my ex recently and wow, has he gone downhill. If I had met him for the first time today, I would not date him. It makes me not want to get back together with him from a physical point of view. I think it really does make a difference. Had my ex gotten hotter, as shallow as it sounds, I would definitely think twice about wanting him back. On the plus side, since my breakup, I've been working out very hard and I've lost a bunch of weight. I look better now, than I did before I met my ex. It does wonders for your self-esteem and it may even open up new prospects. It's a win-win situation, even if your ex doesn't want you back.

[sfits]

my ex is really pretty and she has changed she got a tattoo and i heard she is getting a boob job now..she has totally changed,i have changed my style too and got a new haircut i have always worked in the gym when i was with her..so dont know what else to change,i like the change for myself not for her.

[waveseer]

I would be happy for an ex who got into shape but it wouldn't make me want them any more or less than I would otherwise, in fact, if they were conceited about their new looks it would actually turn me off.

[D_Lish]

Well let's put it this way. I didn't drastically change my appearance, I just had some really good pics taken and I put them up on the flirt site I go on. My ex still goes on there and he'd seen them.....and within a few days he caled. Now I'm not saying he called and because of the good photos, but it did seem odd that after I add new pics he called and not having heard from in several weeks.

 

I also think he doesn't like the thought Im moving on and perhaps he thought that with these new pics, it appeared I was moving on and I'd attract more attention on the site, which I did....

 

I left the site a few weeks back, took all my pics down. Told the ex Id left and never heard from him in nearly 3 weeks.

Anyways Im pretty much over him and I rejoined the site a couple of days ago...Well what do you know, the ex sees my pic again, then starts bugging me on the site and phones me....so to me he is perhaps more pissed by the thought im going to meet someone else and I think the pics contribute to him thinking that way...

[Jm2056]

My changing my appearance made him more upset with me (new clothes, new hairstyle, etc) - his jealousy went berserk at that point

 

So it drives them crazy, but does it make them want you back? I know it sounds shallow to say that physical attraction is what counts, but how much do you think it affects their decision to want you back?

[knightingale]

The suggestion start working out and keep looking good isn't so much to lure your ex back into wanting you by looking hotter. It's just a means of taking care of yourself during a hard time. Exercise also releases endorphins, which make you happy. Yeah, you might get him back because you look hotter than ever before, but even if you don't you look amazing and feel amazing.

[DN]

If I had dumped someone and she decided to get fit and look better I would have to wonder why she didn't do this when we were together.

[WomanWriter]

I have absolutely no experience so far since my ex and I have not seen each other since the break-up six months ago, but I'm going to say that IF you are going to be around your ex, it will play a part. Or at least I imagine it would in my case. My ex really wanted me to dress up more often...he already said he thought I was hot but that if I bring out my natural looks and dress them up a bit, I'd be stunning (so he thought).

 

So I imagine that if I went ahead and got all dressed up and put on make-up, etc. it would definitely influence things. People are easily swayed by lust and looks!

 

Even as my ex broke up with me, he wavered. I had dressed in a sweater his parents bought me and I could tell he was turned on (to be honest, he always was around me, not to sound conceited...I'm just saying that when I was with him in person, he was weak...but when he talked to me on the phone, he could be more cold).

 

He even complimented my looks as we were breaking up and I saw his eyes looking me over like he was getting weak.

 

If the person is dead-set against breaking up, then nothing will help. BUT if you have to be around this person anyway, it can't hurt to dress up and wear her favorite sent, right? Lose some weight and do your hair in a new style. It may not make her ask you out again, but she will at least probably be intrigued and maybe regretful.

[D_Lish]

I think if they still love you, it doesn't matter what you look like....they come back because they want too, not because you may be slimmer, or you've had your hair done....

 

I think in my case, he doesnt want me, but he doesnt want me moving on either, for some reason and he likely thinks that with better pics, I will meet someone else....they are on a dating site after all.

[atelis]

So it drives them crazy, but does it make them want you back? I know it sounds shallow to say that physical attraction is what counts, but how much do you think it affects their decision to want you back?

 

probably zero........and i think people who think it makes a big difference are probably wishful thinkers

[doiiiieeezie]

If they do come back for that... then really would you want to be with someone that vain?

 

Love yourself most of all. If you wish to look good, do it for yourself and not to impress someone that couldn't handle who you were.

[Jm2056]

probably zero........and i think people who think it makes a big difference are probably wishful thinkers

 

I got that feeling. What if they want to be friends though? If they like you enough to want to stay friends then it has to bug them at least on a subconscious level? At least thats what I think, and kinda hope.

[Jm2056]

If they do come back for that... then really would you want to be with someone that vain?

 

Love yourself most of all. If you wish to look good, do it for yourself and not to impress someone that couldn't handle who you were.

 

i don't want her to come back for that alone, but if it helps my case it helps my case.

[WomanWriter]

I have come to realize it as I've gotten older...physical attraction plays a HUGE role in relationships. Why do so many people end up "falling out of love" (aka infatuation) when their partners let themselves go?

 

I would have been the first to find objection with this just 6 months ago, but upon analyzing this, I have to say that it plays a HUGE role. I'm not saying someone who doesn't want you is going to change their mind because you look good for cryin out loud...that's just silly...just saying that it can make people think and can influence things...that is, tip things in your favor.

 

Studies have been done on looks...and results have shown that we tend to attribute better qualities to people who are more attractive: we see attractive people as healhier, more intelligent, more amicable, etc. It is supported by research and I'll be the first to say...as shallow as it is, that I do tend to judge people by looks when I think about dating them. I wouldn't judge a person's looks otherwise, but I have found myself overlooking good personality traits simply because I was not attracted to a person outright.

 

It's nature. I know I'm not people's ideal either. I am too overweight for some people...they prefer skinny girls and I'm not, so I'm automatically disqualified. I can complain about it and say that it's shallow, etc. but I've come to a point where I feel like it's perfectly fine for everyone to have physical preferences and I think those physical traits can have a big influence on our relationships (for better or worse).

 

Looks are not everything but they ARE something. Everything else considered, they can't hurt!

 

*I want to add that males tend to be more visual, though, so I think it would work better for women (to focus on their physical attraction elements). Women may not be as visual, but I can attest that it plays a role.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If they do come back for that... then really would you want to be with someone that vain?

 

Love yourself most of all. If you wish to look good, do it for yourself and not to impress someone that couldn't handle who you were.

 

Yep, I totally agree with this as well as Atelis' comment.

[WomanWriter]

I agree that a person is vain too if they only want you back for your looks and nothing else...I'm just saying, OP wanted to know if it would make a difference and I'm saying in all practicality, that it might influence it. Whether or not it's wrong or right, good or bad, is something else.

[moonbug]

I think physical appearance playing a role in a *successful* reconciliation depends mainly on 3 factors.

 

1. The ages of the people involved. 17-20 year olds are much more likely to allow physical appearance of an ex be a determining factor in whether or not they want to get back together, than say 30 year olds.

 

2. The reason for the break-up. I would assume that couples that broke up over say trust issues or insecurity issues aren't that likely to get back together because the other person worked on themselves physically.

 

3. The kind of relationship the couple shared when they were together. Sometimes, the physical connection between couples (while they were together) is so strong that after some time apart (for whatever reasons), when they happen to see one-another in better physical shape, the whole physical thing comes screaming back to them and forms the basis of a reconciliation. I have seen this happen. These are usually those couples who can't keep their hands off each other for as long as the relationship lasts. Whatever other issues they might have seem unable to distort the physical chemistry they share.

 

Even apart from these factors, I think physical appearance does play some role in reconciliation. But I don't think it forms THE basic reason for getting back. Its always nice to see someone in better shape and it is going to give the other person some ideas. But not sure if its going to be enough motivation for a reconciliation to happen.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with you. I also think that it is the people in their twenties and maybe up to mid thirties who are obsessed with this physical appearance post break-up and assume the "hah, look at me, look how great I look now" attitude with regards to an ex. I think people in their late 30's and beyond don't subscribe to that as much..they are more comfortable in their own skin, warts and all and don't need to prove anything to anybody, least of all to their ex...whatever changes they make it is for themself not to show off to their ex.

[HoldingHope]

I say why not? You havent seen each other in a while, lets say. Do you want to look better or worse? I will be able to tell you more in a couple of days, as I may run into my ex. And I am ready. I feel really confident and strong and everyone is complimenting, so that is good/ Whether it melts him or not remains to be seen. I dont think it will hurt for sure...and physical is what draws a person in first no matter what!

[moonbug]

I say why not? You havent seen each other in a while, lets say. Do you want to look better or worse? I will be able to tell you more in a couple of days, as I may run into my ex. And I am ready. I feel really confident and strong and everyone is complimenting, so that is good/ Whether it melts him or not remains to be seen. I dont think it will hurt for sure...and physical is what draws a person in first no matter what!

Nothing wrong with looking better physically. Its just that whether that factor determines a possible reconciliation is debatable. I agree it is always better to be in good shape when you meet an ex after a long time. If nothing, at least it makes a statement about yourself.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree it is always better to be in good shape when you meet an ex after a long time. If nothing, at least it makes a statement about yourself.

 

I don't think it makes any statement at all. I am not sure why people focus on getting in shape and changing their bodies to impress an ex...what about changing their personality shortcomings, changing things they do for example volunteering more, learning new things, being more savvy about stuff...of course those are changes that are not so obvious when seeing an ex from accross the room so everyone simply focuses on the visual. If the person is the same person the ex was bored with or couldn't get along with then physical appearance means nothing..the ex will simply say to themself..."well, she went to the gym and got this buff body...who cares she was still boring me to tears when I was with her...or...who cares, we just had nothing in common, nothing to talk about". Point being that the relationship likely broke up not because of the body but because of what was going on in the mind and heart...seeing a buff body from accross the room won't change that.

[Chickenjuice]

Pretty sure the main objective to getting yourself in shape to look good is to just look good. Not for just your ex who dumped you. If you're working out to look smokin hot, then consider that there are other single people who will be more attracted to you than your ex who dumped you.

[moonbug]

I don't think it makes any statement at all. I am not sure why people focus on getting in shape and changing their bodies to impress an ex

 

Well I am sure it makes some statement. And I never said anything about changing your body to impress an ex. Don't know where you got that from.

 

The statement that a better physical shape makes is that "Even though you left me and I was broken and shattered, I am doing pretty well. I have a life beyond you and it is looking pretty good. You must be getting some idea by the way I look." There is no intention to impress an ex here. Just to tell them that life goes on just as well as before without them and that their absence will not deter you from living well.

 

I think that is some statement.