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i love her, but can't stand him


onthebound

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some of you may have read my other thread "my mother's no good boyfriend". this is sortof an update on that.

 

he is just an awful person. i'm sure he has his moments where he appears to be good, but he just isn't. he is deceitful, manipulative, verbally abusive, a know-it-all, masogynistic and routinely places himself above all others. he has mistreated my mother more times than i can count (as well as myself and my younger, autisic brother [who refuses to be anywhere near him]). won't even call me by name, just refers to me as "fatass".

 

i have separated myself from him and most of his screwed up family since christmas.. and ever since then, my mother has been pleading with me to talk to this guy and reconcile things. i attempted once by sending him an e-mail, apologizing for what i'd done wrong and telling him how i felt about what he'd done. in his reply, all he did was exalt himself and talk about how worthless i am.

 

once again (i've lost track of how many times she's done this), my mother is trying to get me to reconcile things with him. her health has recently come into question (though we're not sure if anything is serious yet), so i guess she's concerned that if something happens to her things will be difficult for us if we're not getting along. i can't take this crap anymore. i love her so much, but i have told her time after time after TIME, i cannot and will not be involved in that man's life. i have no desire to surround myself with people who could give a $#*% less about me. she insists he really wants to make things better, and that he intends on coming down here and talking to me. but i don't freakin care! and she just isn't listening to me!

 

i just don't know what to do anymore. she thinks that i'm just doing this 'cause i'm angry or something. it's not even like that. it's self-preservation and she just doesn't get it. what the hell else can i say to her to get her to realize i am not going to change my mind?

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great. now she is saying she doesn't even want me to come up for her surgery and that this has "really driven a wedge" between her and me.

 

i have been staying in her beach house until i could find someplace else to go. i haven't had much luck, but i guess i might be homeless shortly.

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I think you're going to have to separate yourself from your mother until she comes to her senses.

 

I went through and reread the other thread you made about this situation.

 

Your mother sounds very lonely and as if she is just clinging to this guy out of fear that she won't find anyone else.

 

She needs to grow up.

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that just creates another problem. i had to leave the job i had for health reasons and have been relying on her to help me out 'til i could get insurance (which just kicked in yesterday), go to a doc and get back on my feet. i guess i don't have a choice now though.

 

i am gonna pack my stuff, go to my little half brother's place and hope his dad will let me crash on his couch 'til i can make other arrangements. i have no idea where i'll go from there.

 

wish me luck, heh.

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now after telling me i shouldn't even bother coming up for her surgery, she's trying to take it all back and tell me i shouldn't go to my brother's and i should just stay here.

 

i don't know how to deal with this anymore. if the cost of me staying here is her trying every other day to guilt me into reconciling with her stupid boyfriend, making me feel bad for needing help and telling me i'm not even welcome to stand by her side for her surgery.. that cost might be too steep for me.

 

i don't know what to do.

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It must be very hurtful to you that your mom is with someone who treats you and your siblings like that.

 

For starters, I'd suggest that you try to take him out of the equation and set limits with your mom about how you're treated. If she asks you again to reconcile with him, tell her something like this:

 

"Mom, I love you dearly and I want to stay in your life. But I'm not going to tolerate being verbally abused by Richard* in order to spend time with you. You may choose to accept that kind of treatment from him, but I don't. If he's willing to at least be polite, then I'm happy for us to all spend time together. But if he can't control his behavior, then you and I will have to get together without him."

 

Then the tough part is, you have to be willing to calmly leave if he starts in on you. Quietly repeat your conditions, kiss her and tell her you love her, and go home.

 

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. He sounds awful.

 

*I don't know his real name, but this one seemed appropriate if you consider the nickname...

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that's just it man. he has done so much damage at this point that i could care less how nice he intends to be now. i don't want anything to do with him at all and i feel like that is my choice to make. i don't like him, i don't like how he makes me feel (i constantly feel judged around him, even when he's not saying anything -- he just radiates ignorance) and i don't think i should have to be around him if i don't want to.

 

am i wrong for this? i really don't see how it's necessary for me to "suck it up" and try to get along with this schmuck.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hello,

 

I am in a similar situation only I am like your mom in this case, my family has problems with my husband.

 

My suggestion is to just play it cool until they break up. Because if they sense that you are against the relationship, the natural human thing is to rebel the opposition. This happens subconciously.

 

So if you just pretend that you are neutral about him and them being together, your mom won't have that human rebelious instinct getting in her way of dumping him.

 

That is the only thing that can work, and if it doesn't work, you might have to accept that this is the type of man she likes. And it is a great idea to spend time with just your mom. But plan each event in a way that doesn't APPEAR to be manipulative and excluding him. And politely decline events where you know he'll be there.

 

Good luck to you.

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