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letting go of resentment


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hey everyone.. I have a really bad problem with resentment towards my father. I haven't talked to him in 4 years and I hate him so much. The circumstances in which we left our relationship play over and over in my mind like a broken record. Every day of my life I spend wallowing in hatred towards him and my family.. How do I get over this. I wish I could just forget about my father and the rest of my family but I cant cuz they are my family. Does anyone have any advice on how to let go of resentment? It affects every aspect of my life and consumes my well being.. I've even contemplated suicide because of this.. please help me get some peace of mind. If you want to know more you can read my post 'want to die'

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Deep down inside, is there any part of you that wants to reslove this conflict? I know resenting him might seem easier, although not easy, but maybe the two of you going to thepary might be a good idea. I did that with my father(I resented him as well) and it helped. I can atleast sympathize with him a little more now. I don't know if that's an option or not. Can you tell us a little more about why you resent him?

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Resentment will eat you alive if you let it. You have to try and learn to let go of things you can't change, such as family. Try to think of them as you would any other person you weren't related to, that helps. Do you have close friends you consider family? I have a sister I haven't spoken to in years. I wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire. But I do have a few close friends I consider family and would do anything for. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything.

 

is there any way you would ever patch things up with your family? someone has to make the first move.

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Deep down inside, is there any part of you that wants to reslove this conflict? I know resenting him might seem easier, although not easy, but maybe the two of you going to thepary might be a good idea. I did that with my father(I resented him as well) and it helped. I can atleast sympathize with him a little more now. I don't know if that's an option or not. Can you tell us a little more about why you resent him?

 

I resent them because they are rich, I am poor and struggling having filed bankrupcy. I dont feel like they prepared me for the real world and just spoiled me now life is hell for me. I want them to send me to rehab for a drug problem but they refuse. they are also witholding inheritance money from me. My dad was really abusive when I was a kid another reason im so * * * * ed in the head. There is no reconciliation between me and him he is no longer a part of my life. I fear that if I have a relationship with him he will do something that will make me so angry that I will hurt him for it. I dont want to go to jail so having a relationship with him is a bad idea. Now i'm bi-polar and cant hold down a job and go through hell with even what might be a simple job. Im nearly broke and had to file bankrupcy. Plus I would just want to hurt him in some way if i asked to go to relationship counseling with him and he refused.

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Resentment will eat you alive if you let it. You have to try and learn to let go of things you can't change, such as family. Try to think of them as you would any other person you weren't related to, that helps. Do you have close friends you consider family? I have a sister I haven't spoken to in years. I wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire. But I do have a few close friends I consider family and would do anything for. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything.

 

is there any way you would ever patch things up with your family? someone has to make the first move.

 

learning to let go of things sounds like a great idea.. hell its even the main question on this post. care to elaborate?

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Wow, that's a lot to take in. Im sorry to hear about the abuse as a child. I can see how that could cause a great deal of resentment. As far as the financial stuff goes, yes, I think it's really too bad that they aren't sharing with you their money in your time of need, but I am assuming you are an adult now, correct? I think there comes a time when you have to stop placing blame and take resposability. I don't mean to sound unsympathetic, but I can say the same, as far as not having been prepared by my parents. My mom was married four times. I never had a male role model and my mom was always preoccupied, not to mention how often I moved and switched schools. Im not saying they are the same situations at all, but it really screwed me up growing up... big time. I think once you realize where the problem was in your upbringing, you learn from it and move forward. By holding them responsable for everything that is going on in your life as an adult, you are allowing yourself to be miserable. In a way, you are letting your dad continually defeat you. I don't think you have any choice but to let them go, completely. They did their damage, and now it's time to move on, without them.

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Agree 100%

 

you know that the quality of your life is diminished every day that you allow hate for someone or something that you have no control over consume it. It's a decision you have to make when you are ready, and it will be a process. You have to be ready for it. Counseling may help.

 

I actually pity my sister and consider the decision to not be in my life her loss.

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agreed. sooo I guess my question is, how do I do this? I know I have to let them go but I cant. I have made that decision to not let it affect me, but somehow I cant help but go back on the promises I made myself because of obsessive negative feelings. How can I. I am sick of this affecting my life I dont want to let my dad ruin my life anymore but i cant seem to stop that. I want to die because I cant make it stop. Moving forward is the thing that hasn't come along with letting them go, I wish i could snap my fingers and make it all go away. How do I do this? how do I make the awful feelings go away? I want to move on more than anything, but i guess i dont know how or im doing something wrong. Also its hard for me to take responsibility for something thats not my fault, If I were good at self-deception I wouldnt have any of these problems. hell i should just put a * * * * ing bullet in my brain to make it stop.

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agreed. sooo I guess my question is, how do I do this? I know I have to let them go but I cant. How can I. I am sick of this affecting my life I dont want to let my dad ruin my life anymore but i cant seem to stop that. I want to die because I cant make it stop.

 

did you try counseling and it didn't help?

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I'm currently in counseling and i asked my counselor the very same questions- i also told her that i was SOOOO tired of talking about my past abuse- how many times can you go over and over that i was abused?

 

sick of it if you want to know the truth- i just want to move past it.

 

my counselor said that you have to keep talking- no matter how tired of it you are- she explained that when we talk about past hurts that we begin to look at them from a different perspective.. and that when events happen that hurt us- we have a wide range of emotions- not just anger, hurt, pain, guilt ect... its a bunch of emotions mixed up - and each one of those emotions needs to be addressed- because we most likely weren't able to express those emotions when the abuse took place.

 

so we carry it around with us - hence the expression "baggage"

 

i'm afraid there is no easy way around it- you have to address the abuse you experienced with your father/family (but you don't have to go over it with them- maybe in counseling or journaling or even here. You have to allow yourself to feel every single emotion you feel when you think about it- feel it as if it happened yesteday.

 

that's how i have been working through things- and i feel myself slowly releasing the resentment, anger and hurt.

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