Life after 4 months of breakup from first love

[ellie999]

So my girlfriend of 3 years, both of us first love, first absolutely everything, left me roughly 4 months ago. Quickly started a fling with another guy. I've had a few posts about it. I would have loved this girl forever. I was head over heels. But now I see how much of myself I lost in her, and the relationship was unequal. She maintained her hopes and goals (even though I was succeeding at a great university with so many friends, when I think about it its not that I lost all of myself, she just lost interest (I guess long distance really can kill a relationship if one side isn't one hundred percent committed)), while I made her my life. I begged, the like. Since then its been no contact from my part with random contacts from her, and we saw each other for the first time a week ago, when she decided to 'run into me'. Though the meeting was extremely friendly, that's all it was, and she's not looking back, doesn't regret her decision, and is moving on. I've respected that since the breakup.

 

I've grown so incredibly much as a person these last four months. Have kept myself extremely busy, working out, going on trips, meeting new people. (No dating, I'm nowhere near ready for that). I have incredible friends. Very very happy with myself and who I am and excited and confident for my future. I'm clear headed, and for the most part, very happy. I have so much going for me.

 

But I think about my ex and i see a picture and my heart still melts. I wonder how I will ever love someone that much again, and if I will ever stop loving her that way. I wonder how a girl that amazing will ever fall for me again. And I still just would do anything to get her back, though I know the chances of that are slim to none, and there is nothing I can do.

 

I want to send a letter or call and meet up at some point, just for one last effort, I feel I owe it to myself to try one last time to get back the girl I love so much, but I know that it won't work, and I know I'll end up doing nothing, which is probably what I should do, and the advice you all will most likely be giving me. Still have dreams about her, and even dreams with her and the new guy she's been hanging out with. Mornings can be pretty awful. I just don't know how to stop thinking about her, she's been in my thoughts constantly since I was 16 years old. I guess I really do miss the best friend I've ever had. She is an absolutely incredible girl, and yes I'm trying to get her off the pedestal but it's so tough. Anyway just a random rant after a tough morning. Thanks guys.

[Captain Cool]

I'm in the same boat. I've thought about my ex every day since I've met her 5 years ago (broken up and NC for last 9 months or so)...

 

I've discovered that "time heals all wounds" and "moving on" are nothing but feel-good BS. The best you can do is try to live with a broken heart and do other things to occupy your time and thoughts.

 

You probably shouldn't do anything for the time being...but the future always remains open...

[Iakasot]

It wasn't your fault. She lost feelings and couldn't accept you for who you are, and she never will. She's probably hanging out with some guy who is confident. If you want more success with women, be confident. If you realize that the attraction to confidence is shallow, don't have relationships. Relationships are not what they seem, just because we've been brought up to believe they are a certain way. All that stuff about finding "the one", it does not mean there IS such a thing, it's an imagined fantasy, like a charming prince, or a girl who always puts out.

 

Reality does not reflect that, and you need to understand that. Feelings disappear, there is no "the one", if you stop being a turn-on to a girl, she won't be turned on anymore and attracted to you, simple as that, right? It ends when you stop being attractive, even if you're being a good friend and not doing anything wrong, if you are not being attractive, she won't stay with you, or will only do it out of sense of obligation, pity, or habit.

 

Like I said, it's not your fault for being who you are, but you need to accept that who you are happens to be something that's a turn off to women. Whether you love someone as much as you did her depends entirely whether you put them up on a pedestal or not like you did her, and idealize them. Idealization is inherently wrong though, you are diminishing her flaws, and magnifying her pros. If you stop doing that, I think you can have normal, equal relationships, not ones where you worship her and it wrecks you when it's over.

 

Feelings disappear, remember that; women file 70-80% of divorces and initiate most break-ups. If you see it coming, it won't hurt as much.

[monkeyunderwar]

u da man dawg

[uj2004]

Im sorry, but I think this is the biggest load of garbage I have read in a long time. Sure, confidence might help in luring a girl, but once together, there is an inherent confidence in us all. You don't bat an eyelid being undressed in front of them, or being silly around them. The poster never even mentioned he had a lack of confidence anyway.

 

If a girl decides to leave, its because of a lack of confidence? After multiple years with them? Give me a break. I am hopeless at talking to women, but was the most confident, calm and natural person I have ever been with my ex.

 

And by the way, confidence wont lure every girl out there - plenty see it as arrogance or a guy who is playing the field.

[Iakasot]

Im sorry, but I think this is the biggest load of garbage I have read in a long time. Sure, confidence might help in luring a girl, but once together, there is an inherent confidence in us all. You don't bat an eyelid being undressed in front of them, or being silly around them. The poster never even mentioned he had a lack of confidence anyway.

 

If a girl decides to leave, its because of a lack of confidence? After multiple years with them? Give me a break. I am hopeless at talking to women, but was the most confident, calm and natural person I have ever been with my ex.

 

And by the way, confidence wont lure every girl out there - plenty see it as arrogance or a guy who is playing the field.

 

I have statistics, reading hundreds of articles, personal experience, experiences of friends, even books on sexuality to back up my "garbage". You have just your own SINGLE experience. Good game.

[ellie999]

Iakasot, it doesn't matter to me that you have articles and statistics to back up what you said. I feel sorry for you and truly hope you can find something in this world that makes you think otherwise.

 

You don't believe in love. You believe in attraction and confidence? Let me tell you, love is the single most important thing we have in this world. It is all about love. Religion, family, careers, everything, it is all done and motivated by love.

 

My ex, whom I will agree was not perfect, did love me. And yes while you're right she may have lost attraction for me towards the end, it is not the only thing that matters. You have clearly never experienced unconditional love and someday I hope you do and know what it's like to feel that way about another person. To look past confidence and attraction and to selflessly love someone.

 

 

 

 

Anyway today is the 4th, and brings up some romantic memories from the past that are killing me. I miss this girl so so much. I'm not really getting support from my family right now which is hard. Just wow, I miss her constantly. Sucks a lot. It's just hard that there is nothing I can do. I mean literally nothing.

[alcide]

what i can say, trust me, you will take forever to get over her, and look and see, it's not easy, best way is to nc.

[JuneBug]

I know how you feel--first love, 3 years, he is now with another girl. Furthermore, I know how you feel about putting them on a pedestal because I still do that. And it's also been about 5 months for me since the break up. It definitely sucks more when the break up is with someone who is actually a really great person, and the reason is simply incompatibility. Something people can't really explain, but for some reason, the relationship isn't working. I also think that maybe one day I should ask him to meet up and stuff, but I know I gave it my best shot when we broke up. I asked if we could try again and cried my eyes out, did everything I could. But I don't think the situation will change now especially since they have someone else.

 

I think it's great that you've been working on yourself. I've been doing a lot of that too. And ultimately with just a little more time, we will be feeling great with or without the ex. And I honestly think that once we're "over" each other...or rather once Iwe are over them, there is an even better shot at reconciliation. There's no left over baggage from the previous relationship. There's no bad memories for us or them about what went wrong. If that spark is still there, then it's a new beginning and I think that's the best way to stay together (since it seems that a lot of reconciliations end). Things will happen naturally I think.

[Iakasot]

I think you misunderstand...

 

I believe in familial love. I believe in platonic love. I believe in love for yourself. I believe in love for what you're doing in life.

 

I DON'T believe in romantic love. I used to, but I was blind to the truth that romantic relationships end due to lack of attraction, and romantic love is nothing more than a temporary and weak thing that only SEEMS strong. I'm not talking about lust (THAT is even more short lived).

 

But seriously, man, look at your friends around you, ask them about their past relationships. I'm not speaking just from books and articles, I have personal experience too, I've loved. Just accept that there's a lot better things in life than romantic love.

[Iakasot]

I think you misunderstand...

 

I believe in familial love. I believe in platonic love. I believe in love for yourself. I believe in love for what you're doing in life.

 

I DON'T believe in romantic love. I used to, but I was blind to the truth that romantic relationships end due to lack of attraction, and romantic love is nothing more than a temporary and weak thing that only SEEMS strong. I'm not talking about lust (THAT is even more short lived).

 

But seriously, man, look at your friends around you, ask them about their past relationships. I'm not speaking just from books and articles, I have personal experience too, I've loved. Just accept that there's a lot better things in life than romantic love.

[ellie999]

I think you misunderstand...

 

I believe in familial love. I believe in platonic love. I believe in love for yourself. I believe in love for what you're doing in life.

 

I DON'T believe in romantic love. I used to, but I was blind to the truth that romantic relationships end due to lack of attraction, and romantic love is nothing more than a temporary and weak thing that only SEEMS strong. I'm not talking about lust (THAT is even more short lived).

 

But seriously, man, look at your friends around you, ask them about their past relationships. I'm not speaking just from books and articles, I have personal experience too, I've loved. Just accept that there's a lot better things in life than romantic love.

 

Ok, so you don't believe in long lasting romantic love. Have you never heard of couples that after fifty years of marriage are still head over heels for each other? I have. True love last a lifetime. You and the people you talked to may not have experienced that kind of love, and neither have I, but I'm a happier and more hopeful person for believing that it's out there.

 

Read the book Redeeming Love.

[ellie999]

I think you misunderstand...

 

I believe in familial love. I believe in platonic love. I believe in love for yourself. I believe in love for what you're doing in life.

 

I DON'T believe in romantic love. I used to, but I was blind to the truth that romantic relationships end due to lack of attraction, and romantic love is nothing more than a temporary and weak thing that only SEEMS strong. I'm not talking about lust (THAT is even more short lived).

 

But seriously, man, look at your friends around you, ask them about their past relationships. I'm not speaking just from books and articles, I have personal experience too, I've loved. Just accept that there's a lot better things in life than romantic love.

 

Ok, so you don't believe in long lasting romantic love. Have you never heard of couples that after fifty years of marriage are still head over heels for each other? I have. True love last a lifetime. You and the people you talked to may not have experienced that kind of love, and neither have I, but I'm a happier and more hopeful person for believing that it's out there.

 

Read the book Redeeming Love.

[Iakasot]

Ok, so you don't believe in long lasting romantic love. Have you never heard of couples that after fifty years of marriage are still head over heels for each other? I have. True love last a lifetime. You and the people you talked to may not have experienced that kind of love, and neither have I, but I'm a happier and more hopeful person for believing that it's out there.

 

Read the book Redeeming Love.

 

Friendship, habit, and obligation is what keeps them together. I hear about miserable marriages where people feel trapped, I hear about marriages where people act happy but aren't, and those are the ones that MAKE it, the half that doesn't get divorced.

 

Read the book called "The 91% Factor".

[Iakasot]

Ok, so you don't believe in long lasting romantic love. Have you never heard of couples that after fifty years of marriage are still head over heels for each other? I have. True love last a lifetime. You and the people you talked to may not have experienced that kind of love, and neither have I, but I'm a happier and more hopeful person for believing that it's out there.

 

Read the book Redeeming Love.

 

Friendship, habit, and obligation is what keeps them together. I hear about miserable marriages where people feel trapped, I hear about marriages where people act happy but aren't, and those are the ones that MAKE it, the half that doesn't get divorced.

 

Read the book called "The 91% Factor".

[Fionnuala]

Friendship, habit, and obligation is what keeps them together. I hear about miserable marriages where people feel trapped, I hear about marriages where people act happy but aren't, and those are the ones that MAKE it, the half that doesn't get divorced.

 

 

Wow. That's quite the assumption. I know plenty of couples whose marriages have lasted and they aren't miserable or acting happy but they aren't. Their lives and relationships aren't perfect, but they do truly still love each other and want to be together after decades. Of course there are those who are miserable and stay together out of obligation, but there are plenty who do it because they want to and they are happy.

 

Deciding that romantic love just doesn't exist because people have bad experiences with it is just as naive as having a hearts and butterflies view of love. It exists, it's just different than what a lot of people think it's going to be.

[ellie999]

Friendship, habit, and obligation is what keeps them together. I hear about miserable marriages where people feel trapped, I hear about marriages where people act happy but aren't, and those are the ones that MAKE it, the half that doesn't get divorced.

 

Read the book called "The 91% Factor".

 

I'm sorry to hear you don't believe in marriage, and while your statistics may be accurate, I still believe true everlasting unconditional selfless romantic love exists, and I won't read a book that bestows nothing but pessimism in my mind.

 

Anyway, I'm not here to question your beliefs, I'm here to search for answers and vent and talk to empathetic people about mending my severely broken heart.

 

I miss her so much today, although it gets better as the day passes. I don't understand how she doesn't feel it too, we shared so much together. But I guess it's because she's been with someone else. I have so unbelievably much love to give, and I'm tired of wasting it on someone who no longer wants it. But I can't really help how I feel. I'm off to the lake with friends. Take care everyone. Thanks for the support.

[LisaJoyLove]

Romance isnt something that "happens" if you're attractive or not, it is something you create. You may create it by becoming attractive, but then, creating romance in the first place is what would make you attractive, so I suppose it all starts in the brain eh (ideas/imagination/creation/inspiration)? And if you are not creating that (or anything new and exciting) for your love life, then of course the path is going to turn. Life calls for growth, that is the only way Life can still live (think of plants and seasons...we all go through changes it's natural). If you are no longer nuturing your relationship, then yes, it will die. but you can replant. get some new soil, maybe a new pot, plant the seed, water the little guy and watch that thing grow tall, but remember, to stay alive and continue growing (which is why we are here, is it not?) you must nurture the plant, you must take care of it. I went through this as well, but I was the girl in the story. It was so natural for me to break it off. We had our course, we learned from each other and grew immensely. But the time had come for harvest and I had to replant. The seasons had changed, and I wasnt receiving what I needed to grow to my full potential, neither was he. I think that if two can maintain in thoughtfulness, honesty, openness, mutal affection,nuturing and caring then they can stay happy forever, but it is pure science (if you want to break it down like that) YOU MUST WATER THE PLANTS. Women have needs (so do men) and if we are not clear about what those needs are or are not communicating those needs clearly or the other is just not complying (my case, he was not), it is only human nature to find "nutrients" elsewhere. It is basic survival. What some call evolution, but this is the evolution of our souls I am talking about here, not our bodies..like a better job or more sex, money, etc... although those are too some basic requirements for this world we currently live in (lol) Dont worry, maybe you both needed new roots. Take this as a blessing in diguise, I sure wish he would have sooner for his own sake. He is still at his mothers house smoking pot and working on cars...waiting for something? Hmm... But I am hoping and I think we have both come to realize this now (it was meant to be and had a purpose). I have found so many new amazing things that I would have never if I would've stayed in that relationship. Being with him would have been a waste of time for him and I, and YES it did take time to understand that and for my experiences to allow me to really prove that to be true. and it is. So whoever said time does not heal wounds, fear not my friends, time heals all things, because (hopefully if you're aware and awake) you will seek understanding, and wisdom and these things will give you truth and clarity and over time you will begin to accept what happened because it will make sense. Then will the higher purpose and the greater good be realized and you will be greatful and that will give you joy and through joy, you will find Love. It always works out this way, if you are truly open. Anyways, I know this is an old post, but I was reading it and had to give you my feedback. I feel like I have been on every side of the fence so I can see where you all are coming from. Thanks everyone for all your points of view, it has helped me appreciate my path and the experiences and changes I have gone through, how greatful I am for each and every one of them. Blessings to all and to all a good night!!!

[Rob1000]

I agree with Iakasot says to a point. True love goes WAY beyond romance and WAY beyond what you experience in a relationship. Relationships are plutonic love that can be dismantled due to a lack of attraction, loss of spark etc at any given time. True love is a completely different kind of love, it has no barriers, no conditions, needs no explanation and is ever lasting.

[lovedlost]

Wow! Your story sounds incredibly similar to mine, except for the length of the relationship. But yes, we were best friends, and I loved him immensely, and for the almost 9 years we were together, he felt the same. we were engaged, but was long distance when he started his graduate program. On my end I was still upholding my end of the relationship, but I guess he was losing those feelings while he was away, and started seeing someone else. Anyway, he dumped me just like that, and I was crushed. It's hard when someone does something to you so completely awful, but you still can't deny the fact that they were an awesome person up until that point. Others will expect you to talk bad and say she was the worst person on the planet, but only you know the connection you two had.

 

I've done the same. Traveled, worked out, met incredible new people, got a new job; and I've grown a whole lot during this time, but yes, you still think about this person, what they may be doing, thinking, and feeling. Are they thinking about you? Will they realize they are still in love, and come back crying? All of these fairytale, imaginary stories, just to get yourself through the day. It's been 2 years and I still have the thoughts of not meeting another person as great as he was. But, as good as I thought he was, he was not the one for me, because he left.

 

Anyway, please please, especially at this point, do not write the letter....Several times I was close to that point, and I am sooooooo happy that I did not! I'm glad that you are posing this question before actually writing it, because we may possibly save you from doing something you will totally regret. If you want, you can write it out, just to get it off of your chest, but whatever you do, don't send it to her. It will not do anything but push her away even more, and make you feel even worse. A good friend told me, think about what you expect to come out of writing the letter? What are you hoping for? What do you want her reaction to be? Then think about how you will feel if her reaction is not what you expect? What will that do to you, and how will that make you feel?

 

Throughout your healing process you will have dreams, and you will play scenarios in your mind of what could happen or what did happen. I did that, with the hopes that he would come back, however, reality set in, and I ended up finding out that he was happily dating, and not just recently that he is engaged to someone else. When someone checks out of something, they checkout, and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it, except move on (sounds frustrating), and learn to accept a broken heart. So prepare yourself for the worst possible situation, and if that does happen, you won't feel like you were just hit by a bus.

 

It will get better. Trust me! People told me that over and over, and I wanted to scream 'you don't know what the hell you're talking about', but they were right, and it did, and it still is. I wish you well, and like the website says, please know that you are truly not alone!

[nickfat]

Hey bud... I am in the exact same situation as you are, except we have only been broken up for a week. We dated for three years and we were each others first everything. I am still deeply in love with her, I had a dream about her last night... it is hard, but it gives me hope for the future about growing and becoming a better person because it sounds like you are getting along very well and I'm happy for you. I hope to be able to say the same thing in four months.

 

Keep plugging away and things will be better... I worry about the same things... "will I be able to love so strongly again?" Or, "will somebody as amazing as her fall for me again?" And honestly, I don't think there is anyone who can say with 100% percent conviction that they know the answers to those questions but I like to remain optimistic. Good luck, and thanks for sharing your story. Things can only go up from where we are.

[bluepious]

Hey TC, just made an account just to reply to your post, that's how strongly I felt that someone needed to rebut Isabitterdude up there. First off, the book he's recommending is getting terrible reviews on Amazon, apparently has no basis in fact and is "Women create bad relations by giving up sex to easily, causing male bad behavior"

 

So...wait...a good relationship=no sex? dosent sound like a healthy relationship to me.

Plus it has no bibliography, no notes, no sources....dosent sound like something to base your life around, esp by accepting the premise you are dooming yourself to a pessimistic world view, which leads to depression.

 

Anyway, let's be clear. Giddy, happy happy, ecstatic LOVE lasts around 21 months or so...this is a fact. Does this mean love dies then or that it was fake? Hell no, it's just the way our bodies are and if we were that emotionally high all the time, we wouldn’t ever want to grow or achieve more in life. We are also designed as a species to look for more than one mate...esp when we are young. Thats why divorce rates are so high among people who marry young, that and they marry the first person who is attracted to them w/o knowing what else is out there.

 

The estatic "lust" love may fade, but love still remains. And when we marry old, to a mature person who meshes with our personalities and intrests and knows not to give into basic primal urges, then we have something thats good for life. The majority of people, even in this day and age, do not cheat on thier spouses.

 

Also...just for future reffrence, most unhappy marriages can be chalked up to constant serious financial problems which strain your life and your bond, or one partner feeling unappretiated.

 

Anyway, I just felt the above is important to know.

 

Attractiveness? Sounds like Isasadguy has been reading too many "guru" books and stuff like Fast Seduction, which concentrate on quick pickup and short, detached relationships with multiple people. Sure, you have to be attracted to someone, but once you gain your partners attraction and still retain the good qualities that your partner see's in you for the first few months (which you will as long as you didnt fake your personality the first time) then attractiveness becomes a constant and it is very hard to break. You have to really screw up to break it. This is in most "real life" relationships however, which I do not lump into the same category as highschool/college dating.

 

Those are just for fun, they can change on a whim and can be started or ended for very shallow reasons. If you have a party girl type expect it to last until she finds ...well...just hte next guy who can seem to be intresting for more than a week. At this stage in life, that is the maturity lvl of most people. They arnt looking for marriage or something long, they are just looking for fun. note: if she leaves you for him it dosent mean he's better, it just means she likes the unknown and will jump right in to explore. Dont take it personally, and dont take her back. I had one of mine that did leave me for someone, tried to come back not even 2 months later...and wound up crying, trying to get me back for 3 months...and stalking me... she was just that sad and immature and I couldnt see it while I was with her and because...well...she was really hott...

 

Anyway, I reiterate, the girl is stupid for leaving you. Accept that.

 

Now for your situation. You are A. doing the right thing. Don't contact her, make sure she is removed from your life and keep on improving yourself. Everyone who want to succeed in life needs to be consistently improving themselves, and you will soon find it becomes a healthy, fun, beneficial addiction. Keep this up, even in new relationships, and you will always have an impressed Girl.

 

The one book I cannot leave without recommending is "How to win Friends and Influence people" You want to be happy? Read this book, and take it seriously. Most of the advice is amazingly insightful, and it will teach you how to quickly make friends, impress your boss, show confidence, how to motivate others to do what you want them to do, and how to change someone's behavior w/o critizing them. Some of the advice may seem duh, until you sit back and realize how often we all fail to follow it, or do the exact opposite. The lessons, historical examples, and psychology Dale Carnegie uses will drive it home and the teachings will change how you behave for the better if you take the book seriously and apply it. This was the first self help book ever written, it is famous world wide, and many of today's CEO's list it as one of the most influential books the've ever read. Dont worry, it has been updated over the years! (also check on wishcraft by barbara sher, I bought it,havent read it yet, but ppl swear it changed thier life)

 

Also, for a quick burst of joy, go read on amazon the sample chapter of "self help that really works" its on pessimism vs optimism and why optimists are always happier and more successful even tho pessimists are tec. more realistic. Quick, but effective, way to change your worldview.

 

 

Anyway, now that Ive gotten that out of the way, here's want you want to hear. Yes, you will find a new love. Yes, it will feel just as grand, if not better. No, there is not anything wrong with you EVERYONE gets dumped and EVERY relationship fails until you find the ONE that dosent. You are obviously attractive because one of the best girls in the world fell in love with you and choose to have sex with you right? Right. Thats what you need to take away from this. Your ARE attractive, girls wants to have sex with you as apparent by this great girl wanting to, and you can get more. This girl just wasnt right for you, and thats what relationships are ABOUT finding out who is and who isnt right for you. It's just a question, are you right for me? and this answer is no, as is most.

 

but relationships are fun! and you had fun in this one. So it was a good thing! Now it's over, and its hard because it was your first. You doubt yourself, as everyone does when they loose thier first. But whats important is you didnt marry this person who your not ment to be with, you didnt get a kid or and std, and you had a great time during, you got laid, you had a great relationship, so its a postive expirence!

 

Now it's time to go out and find a new one. It may take time. Fine. Thats why you are going to constantly improve yourself. It will keep your spirits up, it will make you happy about yourself, and your great self esteem will give you confidence which will get you girls. Seriously, all you have to do is work on bettering yourself, nurture a healthy outlook on life, and the girls will come as long as you go up, say hey, and start a conversation. But objective number one is to feel good and happy about yourself. After all, if your happy, thats really all that matters in life.

 

One final thing, google scott adams( yes the dilbert writer) and positive thinking, or go to link removed and search for self affermation. It's an amazing thing, Adams managed to achieve most of his sucess in life through this tecnique, even getting over serious speech impedement(understatment to say the least, but you'll know what i mean once you read his story) that Doctor's said was almost impossible for him to overcome..

 

sorry for the long post, hope it helps!

(and yes, Ive done everything Ive reccomended in this post, and I am a happy person, even before I found this amazing girl I am now dating. Keep up w your education...it IS THE MOST important thing you can do at this stage in your life, and it will shape the REST of your life...your relationships WONT)

 

anway You will find yours too! Life will be better! Just remember, everyone goes tro this, it's just a part of growing up!

 

-

BP

p.s. dont read to much into the user name...it has nothing to do with me and is an old handle I use for every internet site...ever play Eternal Darkness? It's drawn from the main villin there.

[Anonybrit]

But I think about my ex and i see a picture and my heart still melts. I wonder how I will ever love someone that much again, and if I will ever stop loving her that way. I wonder how a girl that amazing will ever fall for me again. And I still just would do anything to get her back, though I know the chances of that are slim to none, and there is nothing I can do.

 

I feel exactly the same now, 1 day after the most traumatic breakup imaginable.

 

Was my first love too, 2 years, long distance, saw each other every 3 weeks or so. On the one hand she was everything I ever wanted but on the other she was quite selfish and self-absorbed without knowing it and I tried to bottle it up and hope she'd change but she never did and that bottle obviously burst.

 

I really worry that I was the first, most romantic and heart felt gestures in my life on her and that even if I meet another girl I will never be able to have as powerful a relationship because I can never give those things again. I really feel like I have lost my heart.

 

But we just have to look at everyone around us, they have gotten over these things, life has gone on from other people and soulmates are not usually found n the first relationship.

 

Good luck to the both of us!

[Tanzi]

Im sorry, but I think this is the biggest load of garbage I have read in a long time. Sure, confidence might help in luring a girl, but once together, there is an inherent confidence in us all. You don't bat an eyelid being undressed in front of them, or being silly around them. The poster never even mentioned he had a lack of confidence anyway.

 

If a girl decides to leave, its because of a lack of confidence? After multiple years with them? Give me a break. I am hopeless at talking to women, but was the most confident, calm and natural person I have ever been with my ex.

 

And by the way, confidence wont lure every girl out there - plenty see it as arrogance or a guy who is playing the field.

 

I have to agree with this. I'm not sure where the lack of confidence issue came from but right now, even tho the OP is still healing, he is in a happier place and seems confident about the future.

 

As for telling him he is a turn off to women

 

Of course there is a thing such a thing as true love. OK so things don't always work out ... as Iakasot himself said, feelings change ... and that is unfortunately the simple fact of the matter. I think the lesson for most of us is that we need to keep on working to make a relationship work instead of falling into that zone where we start taking our partners for granted and stop putting in as much effort.

 

Congrats, anyway, ellie for getting this far. You have been putting in a lot of effort and have made great progress. Onwards and upwards!!