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GF unromantic


pokesfan

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Ok, here is a doosey for ya ....

I am starting to get aggravated with my relationship with my gf. We have been exclusive for almost six months now. We are in our late 30s, no kids, professional, etc.

I seem to be the only romantic partner in this relationship. I am the one that wants to hold her hand in public, hug, kiss, etc. When we are at home, I seem to be the one that initiates everything. We have talked about it and in the beginning it was good. When we got intimate, we "made love". Now, and I have brought this up to her, we just , and that is how she refers to it.

Last night, on the way home, I had a sudden urge to stop and pick up a single dark red rose. When I got home, I gave it to her and she was so non-chelant about receiving it. "Oh, that is sweet, thank you", and left it on the kitchen counter while she went to the other room. After about 10 minutes, I unwrapped the flower and the greenery, and put it all into a vase and put it on the table.

Later in the evening, we started kissing passionately and saying things to each other, and I thought, "we are going to make love, not just have sex." And, it was passionate for about 10 minutes and then she just started "pecking". No tongue, no passion, just "pecking", like you and your grandma or parents kiss you. We had sex, well I did. She did not seem to put forth any effort, or seem to enjoy it at all. She just was not into it. (I can be more detailed, but will refrain) And, it has been well over two weeks since we have done anything.

So, my question is, has anyone ever been in a relationship where they were the only romantic partner? And, if after talking to your partner about it, you still remain the only romantic partner, where your partner just wants to ? When we talked about it, I told her that I see sex as two people, in love, expressing their love for each other, not just . When we have sex/, we do not kiss. And, when I attempt to kiss her, she turns her head, so I get her cheek.

What is this all about? I am getting aggravated. She has had quite the sex life in the past, with many partners. Why is it she seems to have wanted sex all the time in the past, but now she never wants it and we only seem to do anything once every two weeks or so and then it is no longer good, or even of quality.

 

~Hopeless romantic

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Some girls just don't like to kiss during sex. From my own experience and talking with my girlfriends, I think this is pretty normal. A lot of women like to kiss to get in the mood for sex, but aren't into kissing during the sex.

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sadly, your story sounds like how my ex became when we were on the downslope of our relationship, nearing our breakup - when we were first together, we 'made love' - lots of it, lots of passion, lots of intimacy, lots of surrender. but that changed to exactly what you described - we just yes it was satisfying, in a physical sense, we both got our needs from it, but it was in a word, lacking. we broke up not long after the changes and in her last email to me, apologized for the grief she'd caused - for reasons she couldn't explain, she'd begun 'detaching' herself from me - and looking back (hindsight 20/20), I can see that her actions and behavior (lack of intimacy, romance) really were indicative of that: detachment.

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I've been there at 16-18, though my gf was a sex-addict, so I used it as an opportunity to... learn.

 

That said, probably not an issue for you...

 

I'm sorry to say it, but you may want to just... Get another girl.

 

Is this relationship fantastic in other respects, to the point where you would try as hard as it will probably take to turn it around?

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Hmm, I can understand why you're frustrated if you've talked to her about it and she's still not making any changes--even if you have different ways of expressing romantic feelings, both partners should be able and willing to attempt the other partner's way at least part of the time.

 

Have you given her some concrete examples of things she could do to make you feel more loved? (For example, kissing you during sex or saying specific romantic things during it--even if at first you know she's just doing it because you told her to, it might help her get more accustomed to acting that way so she could do romantic things for you spontaneously.) I know there have been things my past boyfriends have wanted me to do or say that felt very "fake" to me at first but eventually didn't. It just took a little practice!

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Words that are not acceptable will appear as red asterisks - if you have to circumvent that by manipulating the letters that is not acceptable. Any words that does not apply to are fine to use providing they are not disrespectful to another member.

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Honestly, the other parts of our relationship are about the same. I seem to be the one that is putting forth any effort. I have been told that I have a "provider" mentality. I do all kinds of things for her, without any reciprocation on her part. I make her lunch every morning before she leaves for work, I put little notes in her lunch for her to find during the day, I bring her a fresh towel everytime she takes a shower, I love to cook, so I make meals all the time, I do the laundry and iron, because she says she does not like to do laundry or iron, and heck, we need clean clothes, right?

We have talked about our intimacy issues and she always says, "I am just not like that", and treats it like "either accept it or not". But, in the beginning, she use to be. We went on a great vacation back in May and we were very intimate, all the time. Now .... nothing. Almost like dating a rock ... cold and hard.

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Pokes...you need to back off. She's a grown woman and can do many of these things for herself. You're seriousy doingWAY too much. If you back off I bet she will step forward and reciprocate. The problem is you aren't giving her ANY incentive to make any effort. It's probably smothering. And if she doesn't move closer after you back off, then she just isn't into you. Sorry.

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I'd say that sometimes the obvious conclusion is the best conclusion. You're into her more then she's into you. That's the nutshell.

 

Still, there are a lot of people in this world who can date, and be in committed relationships, but it's not even in them anymore (assuming it was at one time) to be head over heels with a partner. Basically, you may be getting her best, but that still may not be enough for you, and that's understandable.

 

I did have a partner who loved sex, and loved that component of our relationship, but didn't like to kiss during sex. She was the first person I was ever with that was like that so for me it was all brand new. For her, sex and love, for the most part, just weren't all that compatible. She could show love in lots of ways, and she could really enjoy sex, but the idea of "making love" just wasn't in her emotional vocabulary.

 

One thing is for sure though... if you keep pushing and nudging for her to do or feel something that she doesn't want to do or feel then you will push her farther away still, not closer to you. She will just feel like she doesn't measure up to your expectations sexually, like she's being judged, like you don't approve of her on a base level (which you don't), and she'll want to flee. This likely why the rest of your relationship is also suffering. She is pulling away, and pulling away, and pulling away, and she'll keep doing that just so long as she feels that you're frustrated and wanting something from her that she doesn't have within herself to give you.

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I hope you know that for some women you are a dream man...

 

I think it's beyond sex, that something is going on with her to change so much from May until now. I also think you deserve to be with someone who appreciates your romantic ways..it sounds like you are not compatible on many levels.

 

I think you should take what she is saying at face value, and decide whether or not you can accept this. I bet if you told her you cannot accept this, that you need intimacy and romance and won't tolerate anything less, she will wake up a bit....

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I think it is time for you to back off on all the things you do for her...all the extras that she can do for herself. Regarding sex, you might want to back off from that as well. She has pulled away from you..either because the relationship is winding down or because she feels she no longer has to try anymore and she has become bored and complacent. If you back off see if she starts initiating more and becoming warmer...if not then perhaps it will be time to end the relationship and find someone who appreciates all the wonderful things you do.

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Thank you for the suggestions / help.

I actually did kind of back off recently. I made her lunch, but did not put a note in it, as I normally do. She sent me a text message asking where her note was and she was upset that I did not put one in there. When she got home later that day, she was still upset and was distant.

So, if I back off on some of the other things that I do for her, would she not get upset even more? Or even get curious, or paranoid? How would this make her appreciate me? Possibly because she is no longer getting these things and would miss them?

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She's gonna think you're doing something wrong. " oh well he usually does this and now he doesn't , there must be someone else"

 

 

My ex used to be the same way. I'd always bring her dinner , clean for her while all she did was sit on the computer , randomly just take her out and tell her i love her . You know what happened ? Caught her with some guy on myspace.. yea. So I dumped her .

 

 

 

Stop from doing all these things and if she asks let her know. If she's defensive then you have a problem.

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Yes, it wasn't the best response. It would have been better to have simply said that you lost the motivation for doing it since she never seems to either be grateful or to reciprocate in any way. I think you could still say that.

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