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Me and my boyfriend keep arguing because he won't stop smoking weed. He smokes it a lot, but only when he sees his friends.

I suggest that if he's going to do that, I just wont meet him that night, but he says he wants to see me too...

 

It's just something that I don't think I can accept, and it's the only thing that we argue about, but they're such big arguments.

 

He says he'll stop smoking it eventually but doesn't want to do it just yet, so what should I do?

 

I just need some help. I almost left him yesterday because of this, but I dont want to.

 

x

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The longer he smokes it the more he will get set in his ways. I had a boyfriend who smoked weed only at parties to start with and then like, every day four times a day. It affects everyone differently but it made him a violent moody person who couldnt function without it. At all.

 

Now. You have to stick to YOUR beliefs. If it is a dealbreaker to you, you tell him that. He either gives it up, or he gives you up. If he chooses drugs over you. What have you really lost?

 

The more he smokes, it the more he will want it.

 

I dont want to critisize weed smokers. But its all personal preference. Some people can live with smoking weed or partners that do. BUT if you cant deal with it, then he might not be the guy for you.

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Before we got together, he smoked it almost 4X a week, now he's cut down to maybe once every 2 weeks and if he goes to gigs...so i guess that's his way of making the effort? He's quite stubborn, I just dont know if I should believe that he's going to quit or not...I mean, I accept that I can't "change" him, he's not violent or aggressive or anything, maybe I need to compromise.

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But your not happy compromising. Hes cut down. You want him to give up. He hasnt. Your unhappy

 

Until he gives up completley you wont be satisfied. Yes he has made some effort. But he still wont give it up completley until HES ready. Which is fair enough on him but can you live with that?

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I think I could if I wasn't here, and I didn't actually have to see him high...or know that he's been doing it. If I'm ignorant to the fact, then that's better, but he says that if he doesnt tell me its like he's lying...I want to live with it, but I just dont know what I can do to change my attitude towards it!

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Yeah, I can see him make the effort, but it's almost like it's not good enough for me and that makes me feel as if I'm being selfish and stubborn etc. And just a moaning girlfriend, which is someone I don't want to be and don't like being.

 

It's his birthday on friday, I think after that I will tell him that if he doesn't stop then I can't stay with him. I dont want to leave him at all, but I'm not coming second best to weed.

 

He always says he doesnt want us to break up over it, but that it's an addiction and he cant just stop straight away, which I guess is true? But how long do I wait! Ugh. Lol

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Of course he can stop right away if he wants to. People do it all the time when they make up their minds it is time to stop. The point is he doesn't really want to stop, he wants you to let him do it and not hassle him about it.

 

People stop when they decide it is to their benefit to stop. He has obviously decided that if the price for him smoking weed is you fight about it, then that is OK (i.e., he'd rather smoke weed then quit fighting with you about it). But he may decide if you leave over this, that losing you is not worth smoking weed, so he might quit if you draw that line, that you are not someone who can date a drug user, and hence you can't date him unless he stops.

 

But if he really loves his weed, he may choose weed over keeping you. But that tells you a lot, that his priorities are drugs over a relationship.

 

So i'd decide whether you can live with him smoking or not. If you can't, tell him it is your choice not to date a drug user, and the only way you'll continue to date him is if he stops. If he feels he can't stop on his own, then the answer is to get him into a program to help him stop (or counseling), not just for him to abdicate responsibility and say 'it's hard' or 'i'll do it later'.

 

So if he give you that 'it's hard' excuse, then just tell him that proves he is addicted, and needs addiction treatment, not more pot.

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Before we got together, he smoked it almost 4X a week, now he's cut down to maybe once every 2 weeks and if he goes to gigs...so i guess that's his way of making the effort? He's quite stubborn, I just dont know if I should believe that he's going to quit or not...I mean, I accept that I can't "change" him, he's not violent or aggressive or anything, maybe I need to compromise.

 

So... I may get jumped on for this... but I'm going to try to look at this not from the view of "he's a drug user" but rather just as a issue of something that is important to him vs. something that is important to you.

 

Relationships are about compromise sometimes.

 

When you got together with him, he was a weed-smoker, you just admitted this. You fell for a weed-smoker. And now, you are trying to change him.

 

And to his credit, he is actually making some effort to change for you.

 

No, he isn't totally quitting yet, at least at this point (maybe someday he will, when HE is ready... not you... because it is very hard to put the gun to someone's head and force them to give up something they seem to value.)

 

So yes, perhaps you should compromise a bit and look at things from another perspective. It is important for you to be happy, of course. But it is important for him to be happy as well. Why should he have to change who he is and has been as long as you've known him just to fit your ideal mold? Perhaps you can figure out how to meet in the middle.

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No jumping ... this is a well-reasoned point! It absolutely isn't fair to try to change someone when you went into the relationship knowing he was a weed smoker. And he did seem to cut down on the intake. However, you mentioned that you cannot deal with this. Therefore, if there simply is no compromise for you, and he refuses to stop, the only other option is to leave the relationship and start dating someone who does not smoke weed and does not believe in it either.

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I spoke to him about it last night, and he said that he will stop smoking it for me. I don't want him to resent me for it though? I don't know whats best to do for our relationship.

 

To a certain extent, you cannot make him not resent you for stating your own needs as it relates to his behavior. However, I think you can minimize the liklihood by keeping the lines of communication open and casual about the topic. Let him know that you really appreciate the effort that he's making and say that you hope he does not harbor bad feelings towards you for this. Other than that, leave him be and work on keeping the relationship strong and loving.

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