Jump to content

Not sure what to do


shygirl79

Recommended Posts

Hi all,

 

I hope someone can give me some insight here. I need some advice on how you would react -guys opinions esp welcome!

 

So I have a guy best friend and we have been friends since 2001. We have always been affectionate (hugging and the occassional kiss on the cheek) with one another, but at least on my end there was never any intention to make it romantic. I was seeing someone, a friend of his actually.

 

After his friend and I broke up he told me that he wished he lived in my area b/c he would have asked me out. I told this to my female best friend and she was not suprised. I was blown away.

 

Needless to say that nothing will ever happen with him. Our vaules are totally different as are our lifestyles. I do not dissaprove of him, but its just not the life I would choose for me (e.g. recreational drug use and such).

 

Its been six years since I have seen him and I have begun to see someone that I have fallen in love with. I have told him about this man and the last two times I have told him that I have begun to really love/be in love with this man. He never said it directly, but I got a strong suspicion that he was not happy.

 

Last week I got a call from him and he said that he has the money to buy me a plane ticket to come see him. He and I have talked about one of us coming to see the other one for a long time, but until now it was not financially possible for either one of us.

 

I would love to see him, but I am afriad that he is going to be as affectionate iwth me as what we have been in the past. I dont want to hurt him, but I just dont think I can cuddle on the couch with him. I feel like I would be betraying that man.

 

I know that you will say if he is my friend he will respect that. I am sure he will, but I am as equally sure that he wont without me having to tell him that our being as affectionate and insistent that we cant cuddle on the couch when we watch a movie. In the past it was standard practice.

 

I feel like its my fault I should have never started doing this with him. I just dont want to hurt his feelings now by not going, but at the same time I cant imagine my boyfriend will be thrilled at the idea.

 

 

Any advice is appreciated! Thank you in advance.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Don't go see him without setting some very clear ground rules. I would tell him what you've posted here. If he is a friend, then so be it, but make sure he understands that. Seeing someone can set a certain expectation, particularly if you know he has an interest in you. Also, if you consider the plane ticket a lot of money then expectations can arise. I would offer to split the ticket 50/50 if possible on your end, hence lowering any stress that might be involved and showing that you are truly only interested in friendship.

 

-Kevin

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks so much for replying! Yes he is just a friend. Even if I were not with my boyfriend, he would be just a friend. I have even told him that it would never work between us- we are too different. I can hardly imagine that he would still have feelings.

 

I just really dont want him hurt on a friendship level. He is a really sweet sensitive guy, but at the same time, if I gave in and we watched a movie all cuddled up on the couch, I would feel like I was cheating. Does that make sense?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Knowing his feelings for you, and the fact that he "bought" a plane ticket for you to come see him...Doesn't seem like a situation I would want to get involved with especially when you already have a significant other. Imagine telling your current man this thread...he would not like the situation at all. Why put yourself through that? My advise...keep this relationship with the friend platonic. I wouldn't see him at this point. Sounds like the friend may need more time to get over you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would not go see him. He is going to have expectations (even if he swears he doesn't) and you are going to feel very awkward in his house. Assuming you are not planning to rent a car, you'll be dependent on him for everything. I would thank him graciously and inform him of your current relationship and tell him the timing is not good for you to visit.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Knowing his feelings for you, and the fact that he "bought" a plane ticket for you to come see him...Doesn't seem like a situation I would want to get involved with especially when you already have a significant other. Imagine telling your current man this thread...he would not like the situation at all. Why put yourself through that? My advise...keep this relationship with the friend platonic. I wouldn't see him at this point. Sounds like the friend may need more time to get over you.

 

I havent told my boyfriend yet. I want to, though.

 

I dont want my friend to think I am not going because I am ditching him for a guy. He has been my friend through a lot and I really dont want to hurt his feelings.

 

You are right though. Now that I look at it the timing of the ticket is rather suspicious. It was the conversation we had after I told him I thought I was falling in love.

 

Sounds like I am going to have to have a chat with my friend.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would not go see him. He is going to have expectations (even if he swears he doesn't) and you are going to feel very awkward in his house. Assuming you are not planning to rent a car, you'll be dependent on him for everything. I would thank him graciously and inform him of your current relationship and tell him the timing is not good for you to visit.

 

I was not planning on staying with him. He lives in an urban city close to the beach. I would have just rented a room on the beach, since that is where I would have spent the majority of my time - there and the hotel.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If you do see him, make sure to take your boyfriend with you - that way, your friend will be in no doubt (hopefully), that it will only always be a friendship between the two of you. If you don't take your boyfriend with you, then I really feel you shouldn't see the other guy at all - considering his feelings for you, you could be leading him on (from his point of view).

 

ETA:

I feel like its my fault I should have never started doing this with him. I just dont want to hurt his feelings now by not going, but at the same time I cant imagine my boyfriend will be thrilled at the idea

I somehow missed this part the first time. Just wanted to add that out of respect to your boyfriend, I don't think you should see this other guy. Put yourself in your b/f's shoes - how would YOU react if he said he was flying to meet a girl "friend" who he hadn't seen for a while? Be honest.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Capricorn3 - Honestly, I trust my bf 100%. If he wanted to go and visit a female friend, I would not care. I trust that nothing would happen. He is the kind of person that if he says he is just friends then that is it, just friends. He would be honest enough to say, hey once upon a time this person had a thing for me, but I did not feel the same way, but we are buds now.

 

I think you are right though. I think the reason I feel so bad about this whole thing is I know that I cant go and see him. As much as I would love to catch up with him, I cant. At the end of the day I still have to look at me in the mirror and even though nothing - and I cant stress that enough - would happen it just doesnt feel right.

 

I dont think the bf could get time off work to go, so bringing him would not be an option. I was thinking I could go fly down there, get a room, sit on the beach and have a visit, but I think deep down, in a place I dont want to admit, there is a very real possibilty that this guy still has feelings is there. I think I just honestly want to believe that it is not true, because I know nothing will come of it.

 

It is just a sad day, because I really do miss my friend.

 

Thank you for your words!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well I talked to my friend tonight and granted he had had a bit to drink, but he said something that made me realize that my hope of us just being friends is that just a hope.

 

He mentioned that instead of me coming down, he could come up here. We could hang out. This is true, we could and then at the end of the day, I could go home. At first I thought that this might be a viable option. I thought about places we could go, and he seemed cool with it.

 

I just started a workout routine and I was like, yeah we can go to the gym together. Then he made the comment of he was there on vacation, and I was making him work. So I told him, I guess I could work out in the morning and then meet up with him in the afternoon. He was like well I can think of some other ways to do cardio and I paused for a minute and then he said and this way I get to see your boobs.

 

I couldnt speak for full 30 seconds and I think the shock had registered with him too, cause then he was like backtracking with yeah you know we could just hang out and have fun go places and stuff.

 

What is gonna be the best way to let this guy know that I am not interested? I have told him before that it wont work with two of us, obviously he didnt get it then. What can I say now to make him see the light?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You need to have a serious discussion with him, probably when he is not drinking would be most ideal. Need him to absorb as much of the info that you are giving him. Stress to him that we can only be friends. Stress to him that you currently have a boyfriend.

 

That conversation you had with him earlier...yeah that crosses some boundaries I would say. I would strongly suggest not seeing him at all for a while at least. He needs time to get over you. Talking to you every other day doesn't help either. He is just dreaming of the next time he can see you. No contact with this friend would probably be the best idea, at least for a little while. However, I understand that would be difficult, so you need to initiate a talk with him.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You need to have a serious discussion with him, probably when he is not drinking would be most ideal. Need him to absorb as much of the info that you are giving him. Stress to him that we can only be friends. Stress to him that you currently have a boyfriend.

 

That conversation you had with him earlier...yeah that crosses some boundaries I would say. I would strongly suggest not seeing him at all for a while at least. He needs time to get over you. Talking to you every other day doesn't help either. He is just dreaming of the next time he can see you. No contact with this friend would probably be the best idea, at least for a little while. However, I understand that would be difficult, so you need to initiate a talk with him.

 

He and I really dont talk everyday. We have a friendship where we will talk like every few days for a week or so, and then we may go a month or two months with no contact. He lives in FL and I live more in the midwest US, so we dont really get to see each other at all. The last time I saw him was 2003. Plus he has almost always had a girlfriend, so it kinda almost feels like "where is this coming from"? Does that make sense?

 

I know that I am going to have a serious conversation with him, and I know he is going to wind up getting hurt. I really hate that, but I know that it will only get worse if I dont. I just hope I can find the words to do it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He was like well I can think of some other ways to do cardio and I paused for a minute and then he said and this way I get to see your boobs.

 

What is gonna be the best way to let this guy know that I am not interested? What can I say now to make him see the light?

He already crossed the line with his comment above, and that was your perfect opportunity to put him in his place instantly. You should have been firm right there and then and told him directly that he crossed the line and you are NOT interested in getting together with him on any level.

 

I think the more you talk to him, the more you encourage him. Now you want to get together and meet up with him, so what message do you think you're sending him again? The only way to get through to him is either DON'T meet up with him AT ALL, and tell him directly you're NOT into him.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As hard as it is to hear, this guy is not going to get over you until you make it very clear that you are not attracted to him, are not into him, and are happily in a relationship. He needs more distance; you need to cut contact for a long time so he can move on. He might not be able to be friends in the future, but that's always the risk when you reject someone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So I was planning on calling my friend tomorrow as I knew as it was his day off, and instead he called me tonight and so we talked. It was a good conversation. I I asked him if he remembered our last talk and as he did not remember the particular point I wanted to discuss I reminded him what he said.

 

He said that oh he was drunk and when he slurs that he doesn't usually remember what he said the next day. I let him know that since he did not slurr when he made the statement that I felt like it was as issue that needed to be cleared up. I let him know that while I value his friendship I was not interested in engaging in that sort of contact. I told him that he is my friend, and that I prefer it that way. I aslo said that I felt it would be direspectful to my boyfriend for me to engage in that behavior to say the very least.

 

I tried to be gentle but firm. I am glad that we had the talk. As uncomfortable as it was, I feel like the air has been cleared and he knows where I stand.

 

Thank you to everyone for your advice!

 

SG79

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...