confusedandsad Posted July 1, 2009 Author Share Posted July 1, 2009 you guys are right... i just dont know how to say what I need to say... I dont know where to begin. and he is frustrating to communicate with as well. He does not always give me straight answers or leaves things in limbo. Link to comment
XxJustMexX Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 got a degree and went off to the Marines where he became a pilot. By no means do I wish to put down the service... But I have to comment on this one. I'm thinking being in the Marines has probably caused a lot of what is happening to you and his whole attitude with everything. I've known many Marines, and actually just got done "talking" to one recently (I find it's not going to work out, too selfish). VERY selfish man. I know not everyone is the same and it's up to the individual... But it has been proven, and also told to me by people in the service that training desensitizes people to prepare them for war... A lot come out selfish, uncaring, and emotionally and mentally messed up. I have a friend who's husband was the sweetest man before he went in... did 9 years, most of it deployed, and came back well... not the person he was. He yells a lot now, does not help with the 4 kids, and VERY controlling and thoughtless. A completely different man. I believe once you go through training and the desensitizing it takes a lot to get you back to your old self... Link to comment
confusedandsad Posted July 1, 2009 Author Share Posted July 1, 2009 DW; to explain that better... well, when I voice my feelings.. most of the time he'll turn it around and make it about him again. Like I dont understand that he is tired/over worked / things like that. And that I just dont get it. He makes it out to be like he is always a victim of circumstance / misunderstanding. Then sometimes he just internalizes it and it comes out later as frustration or signs of failure in the relationship. I told him a while ago that I want to work any bumps out... and that I just want us to communicate and be open with eachother. He later on made comments about not letting himself be vulnerable. I remember him saying a lot of the time how he lets people believe something about him just to see where their mind is and to see what makes them the way they are with him. When he pushes my buttons and frustrates me... it entertains him and he says its all in good fun , but he does it because he knows it bothers me and he thinks it's funny how I react. Link to comment
confusedandsad Posted July 1, 2009 Author Share Posted July 1, 2009 XxJustMexX; I have been told this too. That he might be desensitized. I think I even commented once about that to him... and he said that the service has nothing to do with the way he is and feels. He has been out for 7 years now. Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 You really need to sit down and talk about your communication issue. Sounds like a combination of him being unable or unwilling to express himself and you not speaking up enough. Either way, it all sounds like you two are in some unfun game where you don't know the rules and he keeps changing them on you. Link to comment
confusedandsad Posted July 1, 2009 Author Share Posted July 1, 2009 DW: man.. that is the best 'in a nutshell' summary of what the main issues are. There are others as I have explained.... but this is the major road block. Link to comment
confusedandsad Posted July 1, 2009 Author Share Posted July 1, 2009 I was thinking of sending him this article link. It is very interesting and its written by men. I dont know if this will be offensive. What do you guys think? link removed Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 Sending an article is passive aggressive. You can reference the article while talking to him about the issue. Link to comment
confusedandsad Posted July 1, 2009 Author Share Posted July 1, 2009 I know... but there are so many good things written in it that a man himself wrote. I do want to talk to him too. If I reference it... I doubt he will seek it out and read it. Maybe I can send it after...? Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 I know... but there are so many good things written in it that a man himself wrote. I do want to talk to him too. If I reference it... I doubt he will seek it out and read it. Maybe I can send it after...? Just mention it. If you send it, I doubt he'll read it. Most likely just get angry that you sent him an article about his flaws. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 Sending an article is passive aggressive. You can reference the article while talking to him about the issue. I agree ... very passive aggressive. I think you first need to think about whether or not you want to stay in this relationship. You've listed all of his challenges and there doesn't seem to be much in this for you other than the fact that you are not arguing as much anymore. If you want to stay, then you need to sit down and list out your issues/concerns and put them in a hierarchy. I wouldn't say that you need to address them all, rather that you need to parse out what is most important to you. Finally, I think we would all be happy to help you figure out HOW to talk to him, since you seem at a loss on that one. Best. Link to comment
alcide Posted July 1, 2009 Share Posted July 1, 2009 Please just appreicate it, you don't no why he didnt so please don't jump to conclusion ok. Link to comment
confusedandsad Posted July 1, 2009 Author Share Posted July 1, 2009 MsDarcy: I would really like help figuring out how to talk to him...... can anybody help with this? Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 Ok, what are your top two or three issues here? Is it the sex, the birthday, the feeling that you are walking on eggshells etc? That's a good place to start. What are the behaviors you notice and why does it bother you/how does it make you feel? Link to comment
Circe Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 What about starting the conversation with some acknowledgments first. Acknowledge that he is busy and stressed with work. Truly make it clear that you understand that and sympathise. Acknowledge all the things he does that are good. That make you happy. It's important not to let him think he makes you unhappy or he'll feel so defeated. And after the acknowledgments tell him how you sometimes feel (sad..worried.. insecure.. alone..) and tell him what he can do about those things. But I'd break it down. Pick one thing (the sex, the birthday, whatever you like) and just deal with that in the one sitting. And wait a couple of weeks before bringing up the next thing. I agree with DN, there was something sentimental in the card.. it was an in-joke. If he used to show sentiment by writing romantic notes and you miss that.. go back and re-read those cards. Take them out and show him that you kept them and tell him how sweet the words were and how you still treasure it. He'll probably respond in a way that reaffirms the sentiments in the card and that should help you feel a bit more secure and loved and a bit more certain that his feelings havent cooled off.. Link to comment
confusedandsad Posted July 2, 2009 Author Share Posted July 2, 2009 OK.... I'm thinking of bringing up "where we are at... and how he feels about me" talk too. Maybe the men out there can help me with this one a bit more... is it a good idea to bring this up? I get different opinions about this. But it seems like men lean toward not bringing this up and letting things unfold naturally and watch what he does. The problem is that I feel confused a lot, or insecure because of his mood swings / or lack of consideration at times. So I feel inclined to bring this up. I don't want to waste my time if does not look at me as someone he wants to be with for the long term. What do you guys think... seriously. We have been going out 8 months. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 OK.... I'm thinking of bringing up "where we are at... and how he feels about me" talk too. Maybe the men out there can help me with this one a bit more... is it a good idea to bring this up? I get different opinions about this. But it seems like men lean toward not bringing this up and letting things unfold naturally and watch what he does. The problem is that I feel confused a lot, or insecure because of his mood swings / or lack of consideration at times. So I feel inclined to bring this up. I don't want to waste my time if does not look at me as someone he wants to be with for the long term. What do you guys think... seriously. We have been going out 8 months. I'm not sure this is the priority for conversation. "Where are we ..." is such a vague statement and kind of puts guys on the spot to guess what you want to hear. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.