the way men are....?

[confusedandsad]

Please tell me if I’m being an irrational B***h... but yesterday was my b-day... I came to work. People here surprised me with a cake and some cards. When my boyfriend that works at the same place came into work on his second shift... he passed by my office and gave me a card. I was very moved and touched. He wanted me to read it in front of him. It was a funny/cute card with a polar bear on it sliding on ice. Inside he wrote how he used to slide on the ice just like that himself and that I should try it. It's a running joke how we compare him to a polar bear. But anyway... there was no touching/personal message you would expect from someone you are going out with. He just signed his name with xoxox. No flowers...no lunch out with him before he came to work. I know he was up early because he sent me a happy b-day text at 11am. When he came in at 1pm... and came by to see me quick before he had to run off to a meeting... he was telling me about what he just experienced working out at the gym... and how he almost did not go because he was tired. I started thinking about it after he left... I think it was a little selfish of him. He was not like that before.... he was so attentive and thoughtful in the beginning. I feel sad. But he has acknowledged recently that everything is cool between us…. I don’t get it.

 

So I feel so depressed today. How my boyfriend gave me a card with no romantic/ couple type of message, I felt sad and decided to go home a bit early from work yesterday. I just could not understand why he would not think of flowers / a more touching message/ or coming by before his shift to see me instead of going to the gym.

So I sent him a text yesterday and said that "I think Im just going to leave early. i left you the piece of cake i saved for you on your desk"

Well I left 20 min later. Then 10 min after I left, my co-worker calls me saying that my boyfriend came by looking for me and asked why I had left early... and if it was because of my b-day. She asked me if he called... he did not. I spoke with her about it and she did not understand why he did not call me about it. Well after 20 min. I tried to call him during his break. No answer. 40 min later he calls me. Said he was in a meeting........and that he had a min to talk to me. Funny... just like he had only a min when he gave me the card earlier. I told him I was not feeling well and that is why I left early.

I told him that I wish I could have had more time with him but I understood he was busy. And then I told him that I already missed him. Instead of him saying anything sweet back or acknowledge what I was saying to him, he just said ok...”gotta go...talk to you later...”

 

;-(

 

 

my b-day sucked. Maybe Im over-reacting. But I just dont get it. Im not sure if Im getting mixed messages from him or if Im just emotionally screwed up / or if Im thinking something is there that is not - good or bad.

I dont know if 8 months is a long enough time to be asking him questions about us and what he wants out of this. But even if he says everything is cool.... how about his actions? I have told him in the past that I need him to be more attentive and expressive to me. Not everyday.. but that I need some of what he use to give in the past. He did it for a week and then it went back to it all being like it is...weird.

 

Help... Im not sure how to approach and I dont want to come accross the wrong way.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I'd be upset about it too.

 

I'd talk to him about this once he has a free schedule.

[LazyDaisy]

In my experience men don't make as big a deal about birthdays as women do. You should be honest and tell him why you are upset otherwise don't expect anything different next year.

[Sync]

When I read that I actually didn't find anything odd about his behavior but that is probably because I am a guy. I am only guessing that he doesn't find anything bad with what he did either and that by giving you the card he is saying that he remembered your birthday and he cares about you. Just like LaizyDaisy said, guys don't make the much of a deal about birthdays.

[confusedandsad]

but he gave me this really intense/full of emotions card two months after we started going out. He wrote how much I meant to him and how great I was. It just seems like he is different or insensitive now. Was all the things he was expressing in the beginning just a facade?

 

Also, this weekend we talked. He opened up to me about some things. He said that in the beginning, I had him at arms length / I was mean / and I had contempt for him. I remember telling him that I was careful and did not want to invest so much emotion at first but that I was looking for a meaningful relationship that if all goes well can lead to something serious. He understood that back then and felt the same.

 

I was taken back by how he viewed me on how I treated him and the relationship. Contempt is harsh... I did not do this and I had no idea he felt this way. I asked him why dident he just say something then...and he said he did not want to start an argument. He holds grudges from what I can tell about him and his past... maybe this is why...

 

but during the convo on Sunday he said all that is in the past now... and things are different and better

[XxJustMexX]

Even if guys don't make a big deal about birthdays as women do... They do know that it means more to us though... right? Men and women find different things to be important... so in a relationship, shouldn't they work harder to please the other? I hate sports, but I'll turn on the game for my guy to please him... My guy hates shopping, but he'll go to make me happy when I want him to come... It's not rocket science. Is it really possible that her bf just happened to think saying hey, here's a card and barely acknowledge her all day was gonna make his girlfriend happy...? I'm not sure how deep into the relationship you are but I would think in the honeymoon stage, you're all for your partner and wanna do everything to please them... or do you really have more of a casual relationship...

[sfullerton]

My fiancee and I are going through the same thing at the moment. I feel that he doesn't care as much as he used to, or show as much affection. The "honeymoon" phase that all relationships have in the beginning, eventually settles into what is "comfortable" for each person. I believe that the beginning is so fun because it is infatuation and not actually love. While you can fall in love during the time when everything is lovey dovey and exciting...the true test is how it plays out later.

I personally feel that he did not act funny or weird. I do not think that he meant to hurt your feelings about your birthday or even how he ended the phone call....but I definitely relate to you. I get my feelings hurt often when my fiancee means nothing bad by what he says or does.

I think that you should talk to him about it. Maybe he is just settling into that comfort zone with you....and thats a good thing....but you also have needs and you should voice them to him. Maybe you guys can find a happy medium! Good Luck!

[mrmellow]

he's just comfortable with the relationship...

 

in the beginning everyone is all doughy-eyed with puppy-dog love.

 

my SO and I used to write love letters to each other all the time when we first started going out, reading through some of them now they're so sappy it's almost comical. we've been together 7 years now.

 

We don't buy each other cards on our birthdays, usually just one really nice gift. I'll usually ask her a bit before her birthday what she wants to do... some years we'll have a party ( a year or two ago I reserved a big table at a movie theater restaurant and invited all her friends, that same year she planned a surprise party for me and got all my old college friends from around the country to come visit for the weekend). This year she just wanted something simple, I took her out to dinner and then we went home and watched a move together.

 

Unless you gave him an idea of what you want or expect out of your birthday don't expect him to pull out all the stops on his own.

 

I think the fact that you worked on your birthday instead of taking the day off to me would mean that you didn't want to make a big deal out of it... if my SO did that I know that would be a big indication to me that she didn't want to make a big deal out of it.

 

I'm guilty of it sometimes too but unless you talk to your SO they wont always pick up on what you're thinking and feeling.

 

I don't see anything wrong with how your SO reacted, and considering that this is your first birthday together (you said you've only been dating 8 months right?) you should have given him some big hints about what you wanted out of it... at this point your best course of action is to tell him how you felt, and what you expected but DONT make it sound like it's HIS fault... because it's NOT. If you're still bothered by it maybe even suggest he take you out somewhere as a belated celebration, and set a prescience for future birthdays going forward.

[DN]

He wanted me to read it in front of him. It was a funny/cute card with a polar bear on it sliding on ice. Inside he wrote how he used to slide on the ice just like that himself and that I should try it. It's a running joke how we compare him to a polar bear. But anyway... there was no touching/personal message you would expect from someone you are going out with.

There was a touching/personal message in that card - you just failed to see it.

[shes2smart]

How does he prefer to celebrate his birthday?

 

Have you ever talked about how you like to celebrate yours?

 

Forget the men/women dividing line here, because it's one of those really broad generalizations that doesn't serve to improve relationship communication. I'm female and I've never made a big deal (or expected others to make a big deal) over my birthday. My husband is the exact opposite -- if there isn't some hoopla for his birthday, there's gonna be a problem.

 

If you've never talked about this (or how you like to celebrate holidays in general) with him, then you can't blame him for not living up to - or getting near to - your celebration expectations. It'd be like me getting all pissed off if my husband gave me jewelry when I'd never told him that I don't like/want/need jewelry. He's operating on what he grew up with, what he likes and what he expects...and that isn't necessarily going to be the same thing as what I grew up with, like or expect.

[confusedandsad]

all you guys make sense. But it seems like he wont do the obvious either. We both had to work yesterday. He was not going to take off of work if I did.

 

When I have been sick from a flu in the past he did not do much either. I stayed home, and I think I got 1 quick text once when this happened. and he would call and talk for 5 but he was already at work by the afternoon so it was kinda short and a little cold. He did not come over early or later on when he got off of work ... that hurt me but I never said anythig.

 

the thing is -- I dont know how to talk to him about these things. I mean.. I have in the past.. and I think he just does not take it seriously. It feels like in the end its all about him.

[MGandV]

Having your birthday shared with your boyfriend in a much more meaningful way was important to you. And being that you have been together 8 months means this was your first birthday with him. That should have been very special to him as well as a time for him to express what you really mean to him. A card is nice, and maybe there was a bit of a touching personal message in it, but the card was about him. But in a way that said "I would love you to share this with me sometime." Either way, it was about him and not so much about you. Yeah, men might not make that much of a deal about birthdays unless...UNLESS...it is shared by someone they truly love or mean a lot to them. At least to me, that is when it becomes special. No one has to do anything for me at work, and to be honest I don't want anyone to make that big of a deal at work. I am sorry he didn't show you just how much your first birthday together meant to him. After 8 months together he should have known by now just what means a lot to you. I hope he realizes how much it hurt you. Have you talked to him about it?

 

Oh, by the way...Happy belated Birthday!! @}—\-,—

[XxJustMexX]

the thing is -- I dont know how to talk to him about these things. I mean.. I have in the past.. and I think he just does not take it seriously. It feels like in the end its all about him.

 

Honey. I've had a few of these types. And trust me, it just gets worse. You need to talk to him and tell him the things that bother you. If he realizes just how much he's hurting you and he really does care, he'll put in more effort... The more he puts it off and "thinks it's nothing", the more you'll come to realize just how selfish they are. You can't change it. Some men are just selfish...

[DN]

It was Father's Day recently - both of my daughter's gave me cards. One was fairly sentimental and the other was a joke card. For me, they were both indications that my daughters had taken the trouble to select cards that they thought I would appreciate and I was just as happy to receive one as the other.

 

I think it is a mistake in a relationship to expect a partner to treat us as we want to be treated over things like this. If you analyse it - it is fairly controlling in a sort of passive way. You are expecting the partner to read your mind and do something different than is their usual inclination. So if they do what you want it is akin to sending yourself a card - it isn't from his heart, it is from yours.

 

It is also an error, in most cases, to expect the romance in a relationship to manifest itself in the same way as it was in the beginning - it is not possible to sustain that for both emotional, psychological and physical reasons. The chemicals that emotions generate change over time and if you aren't prepared for that to happen then you are setting yourself up for short and ultimately unsatisfying relationships.

[confusedandsad]

thank you MGandV for wishing me a happy -bday ;-) ... also, your post hit home. And that is exactly how I feel. I dont care so much if other people dont do anything. But when it's someone you are dating and are happy to be with, you would think that they would think of the other person a bit more.

 

you asked me if I have talked to him about it... I have not yet. I dont know if I should. I dont want to come accross the wrong way. I dont want to sound winey. From a mans perspective... how should a woman approach this issue?

[ramonymone]

This reminds me of that episode of Seinfield, when Elaine got pissed because her boyfriend didn't write an exclamation mark after he took message for her, I think one of her co-workers had a baby. Excuse me had a baby!

[Cognitive_Canine]

I think you should talk to him about this.

 

You are upset yet he thinks nothing is wrong. That will only lead to resentment and confusion.

 

Regardless of how you celebrate birthdays or he celebrates birthdays, you both have to be on the same page. Neither way is wrong but being completely unaware of your partner's feelings on the subject can lead to no good.

[confusedandsad]

DN: I see your point, but Im it's not like you explained. I just realized that he perfered to spend his day before coming to work at the gym instead of seeing me,,,, knowing we could not have the night together. I dont see him much. I see him really only on the weekend and a few min a day when he has a break. Even if he could not come by for lunch before he began his shift... why not at least have some sentiment in the card. It feels like most of our interaction / convo is about him. Even the sex.

Sex is quick and normally is me trying to be a little more intimate and he rushes to intercourse and finishes fast. He does not even take the time to make sure Im pleased first. Not even at the end.

[Cognitive_Canine]

DN: I see your point, but Im it's not like you explained. I just realized that he perfered to spend his day before coming to work at the gym instead of seeing me,,,, knowing we could not have the night together. I dont see him much. I see him really only on the weekend and a few min a day when he has a break. Even if he could not come by for lunch before he began his shift... why not at least have some sentiment in the card. It feels like most of our interaction / convo is about him. Even the sex.

Sex is quick and normally is me trying to be a little more intimate and he rushes to intercourse and finishes fast. He does not even take the time to make sure Im pleased first. Not even at the end.

 

Does he know that you aren't happy with that?

[DN]

 

 

Bearing in mind this post as well - do you think that there is a basic incompatibility here?

[MGandV]

You are welcome.

 

We all get hurt by some things. Even things others might not think is that much of a big deal. But this is about how you feel whether anyone else sees any justification in it or not. It is still your feelings. But I do think if you are afraid to tell him about things like this then you are already having signs of a not so good relationship. I am sorry to say this, but one should never be afraid to tell their special other about their feelings and what hurts them. Communication AS WELL AS understanding are two of the greatest gifts anyone could give each other.

[XxJustMexX]

Sex is quick and normally is me trying to be a little more intimate and he rushes to intercourse and finishes fast. He does not even take the time to make sure Im pleased first. Not even at the end.

 

I had this issue with my ex in the beginning. I went ahead and told him I had a problem with it, and he changed it. It may hurt his ego if you talk to him about the "timing" issue... but you need to get it out unless you're willing to hold it in and let it bother you for the rest of your life. I know some men are inclined to climax faster than others and it's embarassing for them so try to be sensitive about it. If he cares enough, he'll change it as my ex did. I know they can't necessarily change climaxing too quick as this can be a physical problem, but there are things he can do to please you instead of the whole "ok, I'm done" then hop off thing... I personally didn't do it nicely. I was really (sexually) frustrated at that time and was just tired of the selfishness so I kind of let him have it. I felt bad, but in a way, it IS selfish for guys (or people) to do that. He realized he was being selfish so from then on he'd do certain things to make sure I was pleased as well...

 

So I think yes, you should tell him all that's bothering you. If you don't tell him, he'll never know. If he doesn't change after you tell him, then you'll know that he's a selfish guy. You can't change someone who's selfish, it's up to you to decide if you're willing to live with that. It's hard for a woman to live with that as we have needs too and it sucks being in the backburner... Some peoples' egos are just bigger than their hearts. I personally wouldn't be able to live with a guy like that.

[Cognitive_Canine]

 

Bearing in mind this post as well - do you think that there is a basic incompatibility here?

 

I think it's just really bad communication going on.

[confusedandsad]

no... i dont think so. I have not said anything. He gets upset and snappy easily. He takes offense and does not say anything and then it boils over weeks or months later. I feel like Im walking on egg shells. I dont know how to communicate right without the fear of him lashing out at me like he has already done. He closes himself off and becomes distant. He is very intelligent... but emotionally... he is a mystery.

 

He was abused a lot as a child by his mother. His father was none existant. He did good for himself... got a degree and went off to the Marines where he became a pilot. But I can tell he carries a lot of scorn and resentment for things. He seems so docile and sweet...but then can be abbrasive / dismissive / and mean.

[Cognitive_Canine]

no... i dont think so. I have not said anything. He gets upset and snappy easily. He takes offense and does not say anything and then it boils over weeks or months later. I feel like Im walking on egg shells. I dont know how to communicate right without the fear of him lashing out at me like he has already done. He closes himself off and becomes distant. He is very intelligent... but emotionally... he is a mystery.

 

He was abused a lot as a child by his mother. His father was none existant. He did good for himself... got a degree and went off to the Marines where he became a pilot. But I can tell he carries a lot of scorn and resentment for things. He seems so docile and sweet...but then can be abbrasive / dismissive / and mean.

 

Explain this better?

 

If you fear him or fear just talking to him about things....

 

It may be time to move on.

 

You shouldn't feel uncomfortable, let alone afraid, to talk to your partner.