Jump to content

worried that we are going to break up - need advice


sandcast

Recommended Posts

I have been dating someone for 8 months and everything has been going very well until lately. We are both in our 50's. I disclosed early on that I had herpes and I take a suppressive drug daily, he wears a condom, etc. We have only had sex a few times because he is getting more comfortable with the idea. Last week he got a sore on his penis and went to the doctor. He found out it was not herpes but just a pimple. However, since then, he has become distant. He said it is one thing to talk about herpes and another to think you have it. He said he doesn't know what he would do if he found out he got it from me. He might leave.

 

He is not responsive in our conversations as before either. Last night when I said I miss you, he said we have had some good times together. He is not expressing interest in me. I feel like clinging onto him but know that won't work. I know it must be difficult thinking that you might get a disease from me but in reality, for me, herpes is just a skin condition (given to me by my exhusband) and I have learned to live with it. I know he is not there yet.

 

We also live one hour apart and he said that it is pretty hard to date someone who lives so far away. I have offered to go to him but he mostly comes up here to see me. He prefers it that way. So, I don't know.

 

I've spent the last 15 years raising my two kids who are now graduated from college and are on their own elsewhere. I have not dated a lot during this time but I have learned a lot about relationships and don't feel I am needy or acting immature - I am accepting of people for who they are and not trying to change them. I met this man on Match and noticed that occasionally now he is checking on the site and looking around - makes me feel like we are on the way out. Any advice for me? Sorry so long...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Really sorry this is happening. I really don't know an awful lot about herpes, but it doesnt sound like its life-threatening or anything.

 

I am thinking that he could manage this better but maybe he is not feeling truly into you?

 

I think you are right, he is distancing himself. You may have to have a chat about what's going on. Maybe just a little chat is what you need, or maybe he wants to break free.

 

Be prepared to walk away from his and move on. I hope that it is just because he is a little freaked by the herpes, maybe he will get used to it. Does he know enough about it?

 

Good luck. x

Link to comment
Share on other sites

No. But medicines can help. The medicine acyclovir (brand name: Zovirax) can speed up healing and can lessen the pain of herpes for many people.

 

Acyclovir pills can treat primary or recurrent herpes and can stop or lessen the number of recurrences. Acyclovir also comes in a cream to put on sores during the primary stage or during recurrences.

 

Famciclovir (brand name: Famvir) and valacyclovir (brand name: Valtrex) are other medicines used to treat recurrent genital herpes and for prevention of recurrences.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He has read a lot about herpes. He also had a previous relationship where someone lied to him and didn't tell him they were seeing someone else (who ended up having herpes), so he has past baggage he is carrying. I am trying to be understanding but see this relationship as having lots of potential if he could get past the medical condition. I hope he is still as much into me as I thought he was before a week ago. I am just not sure. He said he wanted to see me this weekend so I hope to talk more then.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The problem with link removed and all these online websites is that people have become even more disposable and people always seem to feel they can do better. I know this is not the case in your situation but I see young people sleeping around having casual sex and get freaked out if they hear someone has had an STD...they want to steer clear...and yet they themselves are playing Russian Roulette with their body..it could just as easily be them. They turn up their noses at one person who has had an STD and yet they do the same behaviours which can lead them to be more susceptible to an STD. As for your situation, I can certainly understand him being concerned...I would be too..and I am not so sure I would even date someone who has an STD. However, given the fact that he chose to date you and has been doing so for 8 months, I would say that the bigger thing is that he is not really into you because if he was then the STD issue would not hold as much sway with him. A lot of people on these dating websites are not looking for longterm relationships..they are looking for a series of short-term, several month relationships and then on to the next.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I suggest you do NOTHING at all to try to hang on to him, including talking to him about it. If he is in fact freaked out about the herpes, theres nothing you can say that will change his mind. He has to figure that out himself, what he can take and what he can't. If its not that reason, same applies. Your best hope is to do nothing, let him initiate, and if he doesn't, it's not your fault, it's just the way it is.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I suggest you do NOTHING at all to try to hang on to him, including talking to him about it. If he is in fact freaked out about the herpes, theres nothing you can say that will change his mind. He has to figure that out himself, what he can take and what he can't. If its not that reason, same applies. Your best hope is to do nothing, let him initiate, and if he doesn't, it's not your fault, it's just the way it is.

 

Agreed agreed agreed.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So, there is nothing I can do? I know, I know that's true. It is just not my fault that I got this. I told this man in the first month we started dating. We get along so well but this is the sticking point. He is somewhat obsessive about germs and being clean so I wonder if this has something to do with that. Maybe he just can't handle it. I just wanted him to be ok with it. I guess we just don't get what we want. I just am getting older and it seems like another failed relationship and it is hard to start again. I introduced him to my children because he seemed like the right one for me. I just feel so sad.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sandcast, i am trying your situation on myself and here is what i see: there are two basic needs: to love your partner and to love yourself. I would take his concern seriously, have a conversation about it and let him know that it is for him to decide what he is comfortable with and I would support any decision he makes. Here is a tricky part - do you love him? Do you love him enough to let him go if he needs? Do you love him for himself or he is valuable as a provider of "proper and overall pleasant relationship status"? I do believe that all relationships are mutual, it has something to do with physics laws, we just sometimes do not understand ourselves and call by love a need or a fear.... What I am trying to say - feelings he has for you are most likely equal to yours for him... When there is a conflict the best thing to do - set the person free. It helps to understand

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sandcast, i am trying your situation on myself and here is what i see: there are two basic needs: to love your partner and to love yourself. I would take his concern seriously, have a conversation about it and let him know that it is for him to decide what he is comfortable with and I would support any decision he makes. Here is a tricky part - do you love him? Do you love him enough to let him go if he needs? Do you love him for himself or he is valuable as a provider of "proper and overall pleasant relationship status"? I do believe that all relationships are mutual, it has something to do with physics laws, we just sometimes do not understand ourselves and call by love a need or a fear.... What I am trying to say - feelings he has for you are most likely equal to yours for him... When there is a conflict the best thing to do - set the person free. It helps to understand

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So, we talked and he says he is not seeing anyone else and doesn't want to. He said he just needs time to figure out if he wants to be with me - that the herpes make it hard for him to decide. He said he might even need time away to figure it out but he doesn't want it now. I said I appreciated his honesty and glad to keep talking about it if he wants - he said he wants to see where it goes. So, I am trying to detach a little bit but it is hard. I noticed he didn't log into Match for 5 days but then tonight he was looking (he does not have an active profile you can see but I can see he has been looking). So, I am just deciding that if he needs to look in order to help him make a decision, well that is the way it is. I believe him when he says he is not seeing anyone as he was hurt before by someone lying to him so I don't think he would do that to me. It is just this waiting that is hard. When I see he has been online, I just have a pit in my stomach and feel awful.

 

I do love him. I love him enough to want him to be happy. I love myself enough that I want to be happy too and to not settle for someone who just sort of loves me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

sandcast, I am happy that you had your important conversation with him. I would say this - if you truly love him for whom he is, keep your confidence, set him free, he loves you the same way you love him, he needs just to understand it. Help him by trusting him. If he will fail to understand his love to you, forgive him. That's the spirit.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Why Does He Want To See You In A Bi...
Why Does He Want To See You In A Bikini?

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...