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If there was one thing you could say to a loved one...


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Dad: I'm sorry I say so many horrible things about you. I know you did the best with what you had. You gave me some good things, even with all the pain you inflicted. You weren't a monster. You were just...sick. I'm sorry you didn't wish to wake up sooner. I think of you every day, wanting to forgive you better than I do. I don't mean to sound ungrateful all the time, and sorry for being a flip-flopper about your ever having done anything right by me.

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I'm sorry I made you feel responsible for my emotions and that I told you I didn't trust you. I'm also sorry I didn't listen to your advice...some of it was good and well-intended. I apologize for jumping to conclusions when I shouldn't have. I'm sorry I didn't do more to fix our communication; we might have worked something out if I wasn't so defensive and if I didn't put you on the defensive and basically give you an ultimatium, but I will never know. In spite of all these things, maybe they had nothing to do with it.

 

Your reason for breaking up was to be independent and since I don't think I kept you from having a life, I can't be sorry for that. I made a point to respect your space. I just wanted to see you at least once a week. I didn't want to be a nag so I made it a point not to be. You felt pressured by me but I don't feel like that pressure was from a demand other than wanting to get married, like we had planned on...you said you wanted it too, so what was I to think?

 

We weren't ready, I know, but then why couldn't that be the impetus for us to get ready? We didn't try. You don't change through osmosis. You change through effort. You seemed to believe that we would not put in the effort if we were together because we held each other back.

 

I guess you don't know me, Lee. And you know something? I don't know you either. I didn't think you'd ever blame me for holding you back but it seems you did anyway. I know you're one to make excuses for your "failures" but to

go so far as to basically attribute your lack of success to me is not something I'd ever assume you'd do. Your procrastination issues have little to do with me and you know it. I don't see how leaving me is going to get you to suddenly become who you want to be. And I wish you would have told me just who you wanted to be...who "you" really were...you said you could be yourself now that things were over between us. That sucks...so you didn't feel like yourself with me? You always used to say you could. I didn't even know that you felt that way and it sucks that you didn't tell me so I would have a chance to understand.

I was depressed because of my situation...very depressed. You were pretty freakin depressed too. But I'm not some wimpy little woman and I'm sad you gave up on me and gave into that thought. And even though I am sorry about all the baggage I dumped on you with my depression, there are things I feel responsible for and things I don't. I do feel responsible for myself. I need to take care of me and that includes helping myself. But I'm not responsible for holding you back or not meeting your needs. That was something you were responsible for. And you also could have communicated your feelings more directly and clearly to me without attacking, accusing, and talking down to me like you tended to do towards the end of the relationship. I honestly deserved better than that. I know you deserved better than to be dumped on by me too. We both didn't deserve what we got. I can't really blame either of us since we were unhealthy. But our whole relationship didn't have to be scrapped. That's what sucks big time.

 

I would have made these changes for myself eventually, but I had to come around...the thought had to germinate. If you would have communicated with me instead of attacking, I would have been more open to listening and more willing to change sooner. And no, not for you. For me. Because I don't like changing for anyone...hence, why I was stubborn about your consistent suggestions. I'm not as stubborn as you seem to think I am, though. I do listen, I just didn't like how you were trying to tell me what was best for me, like you knew and I didn't. I felt that way a lot....like you were imposing on my automy...sense of self. Ironically, you think I did the same to you even though I made it a point to let you be yourself.

 

I'm sad that you did what you did because I think we had good potential...and more than that, I do love you...or I did...I guess I still do, but I'm not actively practicing it...I have moved on for the most part and am not missing you as much although I can still look back and not be fond of what happened.

 

I don't blame you...you did what you thought best and, yes, good came from it. I am going to choose to take care of myself even better by just leaving you alone from here on out. If you want to talk to me, you know how to get ahold of me. You are free to call on me if you need someone...I'll be there. Just don't expect me to abandon myself at your expense. I know you won't ever expect that anymore.

 

You have moved on, yourself, so good luck with your life. Can't say I'll be happy if you find someone new soon (not that I'll know). But I will be happy for you if you find God and confidence in yourself and love. I only want the best for you.

 

I'm just hurt that you don't want me as your partner. And, most of all: your lack of faith (in me, yourself, God).

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To my parents - I wish I had a relationship that I wanted, I'm feel so sad because I don't have the relationship I do want with you, it's not your fault, you did your best and I love you for what you are, and what you can give me. To my sisters the same. To others I have hurt, I am so sorry (I feel so guilty) - there is nothing I can do or say to make up for what I have said or done - please forgive me ( I understand if you can't or won't).

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To my brother: I know that you stole that money from Dad. You think that you have everyone fooled but you are a lying, stealing, cheat. There are a lot of things you think you got away with that I know. It sickens me how everyone fawns over you and talks about what a wonderful guy you are. Grandma gives you the best food and the head of the table to sit at while she scorns me. Little does she know you probably ripped the flowers you gave her out of someone's yard and that you're just sucking up to her for money.

 

It really hurts me that you're like that. I couldn't believe how you were talking so cool with me when we used to double date with our exes, but then you would go crazy and start criticizing me, mocking me, and trying to keep me from visiting Dad.

 

Dad's girlfriend said that you were angry because Dad might help me get a car. You wanted ME to take YOUR used car and was expecting Dad to buy you a new one. You have had everything you wanted while I had to take out a loan and pay for everything myself!

 

Because of you, I had to sleep on the couch growing up while you got your own bedroom (and I'm the older one). I never had space for my things nor privacy. Even now, you have a room at Dad's while I sleep on the smoke-stained sofa when we visit. Dad always treated you best and told me I could just do stuff with Mom. That broke my heart. That's one reason why I didn't want to see Dad all those years although there are other reasons and I don't see how they are you're business even though you're always criticizing me for never seeing Dad (because you don't want me to have inheritence money is my guess).

 

You suck up to Mom so she can do your laundry, buy you groceries, and pay your medical insurance. Then I see how nasty you treat her and everyone else. You have this entitled attitude and you feel like everyone owes you, even me. You used to beat up on me if I didn't write your papers for you in high school. I heard you got your girlfriend to write them. Poor sucker.

 

I'm sad that you're related to me. I wish I could love you but I can't. You are too fake, too ruined. I hope you won't be riding with us to the 4th of July BBQ. That would certainly be a Dependence Day.

 

Maybe you'll change...I thought you were...sadly, I thought we were becoming friends since we were both going through lay offs and break ups at the same time.

 

But you're still the same a-hole only worse now.

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To my uncle: I am so very sorry you are going through all this suffering. We can't begin to imagine what is going through your mind as you get closer and closer to the other side. Know that we all, in our own way, are suffering too, as we watch you go further and further down the hill. We are all in pain as we see you slowly slipping away.

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To my uncle: I am so very sorry you are going through all this suffering. We can't begin to imagine what is going through your mind as you get closer and closer to the other side. Know that we all, in our own way, are suffering too, as we watch you go further and further down the hill. We are all in pain as we see you slowly slipping away.

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To uncle I: You are at peace now, no more suffering. You went out your way, not in a hospital but by the water with your wife and two friends with you. You are sorely missed by so many who were not expecting it to be so sudden.

 

To Aunt B: I can't begin to know what you must be feeling now..the shock of watching your husband collapse, the months of caring for him at the expense of your own health. Take care of yourself...he is at peace now. It will be hard for you in the next few months dealing with the grief and sorting everything out.

 

To S: You watched your father suffer and waste away...it was so hard on you. Now you will help your mother get through this difficult time.

 

To D and Uncle B, The loss of your brother is heartbreaking. You were so close. It was painful for both of you to see him like this.

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To You: You know who you are, you know I care. I know you're a mess, you know I know, and you know I love you anyway.

 

After all this time I still wish you would walk back into my life, because I would welcome you. You were my soulmate, and no matter where I am, no matter who I'm with, I miss you.

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To my ex ex.....You are an amazing man, any woman would be lucky to have you, I know I was. Once in a lifetime that special person touches you and you were my special person, there will never be another like you.

 

Thank you for loving me and the children. I still think fondly of you and pray that you have found love again with a woman that could bear your children as I could not. You were great with my children, I can only imagine how you would be with your own children.

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To A..I am glad you are coming in for the funeral and I am looking forward to you staying at my place.

 

To Parents: I am glad you have called a truce, however temporary, to allow a harmonious reunion with A for the funeral. So much water under that bridge and I wish it could be different..life is too short to hang on to grudges..especially 20 year old grudges against your own flesh and blood.

 

To I: If you are looking down on us, smile when you see this family reunion, however temporary it may be.

Wednesday we honour you, we honour your life..and we will celebrate your life with chocolate Whippet biscuits and Pepsi!

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To my Grandad Jack - I miss you, even though you died when I was young, I will never forget taking that Easter basket to you the day before you passed. I will always remember you pushing my building blocks down after I built them up (now I know where I got my sense of humour from You were always warm and polite and going to visit you was a highlight of my childhood life. My Mum says I inherited your charm and your knack for collecting odd things, I hope too to name my first born after you if and when it happens.

 

To 'somebody' - I love you, but I am not sure I like you anymore. That said, if you want to talk, I will listen. If you can tell me "why", I will forgive you. I won't shout, rant or anything like that. You know deep down I did my best for you and I was good to you, perhaps the least that you owe me is an honest apology. Then perhaps I will be at peace with you.

 

To my best friend - Thank you for being there, through thick and thin and showing me that this kind of friendship does exist.

 

My parents - Thank you too for always being there and providing for me. I will be sure to repay the sentiment as my days go on as I know you made a lot of sacrifices for me and my brother.

 

I feel somewhat sad now

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Uncle I: Lots of people came to say their last goodbye to you. Your son and your friend each gave a wonderful eulogy for you. Everyone was up at your house and I so much wished you could have still been around to walk through the door and be with everyone.

 

 

Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep

 

 

Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there.I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there,I did not die.

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Mom, even though you're sick it doesn't justify the way you speak to me or dad. I hate your narcissism, your judgment, the way you look down on people, the incessant nagging about how I'm never quite good enough. When you told me you were glad I was leaving and you wouldn't have to see me for six months, it truly broke my heart. I know our relationship has come a long ways in the past four years and I hope it continues to get better. I really hope so, but with the way you speak to me, with the way you make me feel, it's hard. I hate that I'm not good enough for you--not skinny enough, not pretty enough, don't do well enough in school, still rely on you for financial support. You think I take it all for granted, but I don't. I'm grateful. If I didn't have to rely on you for that, I wouldn't. Despite how terrible you've been to me in the past, I still love you. You're still my mom and I'm absolutely terrified for you. Stay strong, I need you more than you could ever know.

 

 

 

 

CAD--I'm VERY sorry to hear about the passing of your uncle. My condolences.

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To CAD - I am so sorry. My thoughts are with you.

 

To ILMBC - You are awesome. You are one of the brightest and most honest people. Your mom is lucky to have you.

 

 

To you and you know who you are: You may never read this and that is ok. I could just as easily say this to you and I have (in bits and pieces) and I am sure I will again. Tonight I feel oddly vulnerable and if I say this to you, I am afraid I will cry and I am not ready for that to happen, so here it is. I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts sometimes. Most days I would give about anything to see your eyes when I talk to you. I can't wait to give you a hug. I am scared that my own fear will make me pull away from you. You have changed my life and made it and me better. You will never know how often I think of you, or how infinitely pleased I used to get just to know that in a random moment in your busy day you thought about me. I pray for you everyday, and you are never far from my thoughts or my heart. I love you.

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Thanks ILMBC. I am sorry that your mother says things that make you feel so awful. Sadly, even illness doesn't make some people think and reflect on the importance of life and the importance of family. I know that it is hard when your mother says hurtful things to you..but know that she really does love you and that it is her own unhappiness within herself that causes her to lash out at those she loves. I am sure she will indeed miss you when you go..she probably just feels very overwhelmed right now. Hang in there and look after yourself both physically and emotionally. As best as you can, don't internalize her harsh words. You are a good daughter and you can still be a wonderful daughter even accross the miles.

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Don't leave me in all this pain

Don't leave me out in the rain

Come back and bring back my smile

Come and take these tears away

I need your arms to hold me now

The night are so unkind

Bring back those nights when I held you beside me

Take back that sad word good-bye

Bring back the joy to my life

Don't leave me here with these tears

Come and kiss that pain away

I can't forget the day you left

Time is so unkind

And life is so cruel without you here beside me

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It is a sad day, I missed you alot today mom, it is sow hard to ever forget you, to make peace with losing you sow young. I never had a chance to say goodbye to you, through the years there were sow many stories why you killed yourself, I still don't know the truth.

 

I know I was one of the reasons you killed yourself. Many days I ask myself why didn't you have a abortion or gave me away at birth, we could have met later in life and I still could have had a mom.

 

It was not your fault, I miss you mom, sow many things have become a blur through the years, it is hard for me sometimes to really remember how you looked, it makes me sad to have to look at a old picture to remember how you really looked. I miss you mom!!!!

 

The candle is for you mom!

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To mum:

 

I know I've been a brat lately but I feel as though it's the only way you'll learn not to take me for granted. I'm sorry I'm being really rude and disrespectful, but when I'm respectful and I stick up for you when you fight with dad/sis and I treat you really well, you reward me by doing your stupid crazy "Ethnic mom" act. I want you to know that your wish has been granted.. You wished that my relationship would fall apart and it's heading in that direction now. I can't forgive you for putting up with dad's crap and being such a terrible rolemodel. I don't plan on being on speaking terms with you again. I don't think you'll realize until I leave for college just what you've done. I'm afraid I wont be able to forgive you when that time comes...

 

 

To RJ...

 

I know you like him. I wish you'd stop lying to me. I don't care if my best friend likes my ex.. but you're lying to me about it. You've been seen. You've been video taped. I hate doubting you, I hate doubting your integrity and the strength and depth of our friendship. Just stop the lies, please.

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my sister (alive): what has gone around will come around. I will never forgive you for what you have put me through since mum and dad died. You didnt look after mum and you know it. Too busy drinking.

 

My dad (dead): I know you are helping me with my wish.

 

My Mum (dead): I know you would want me to go back to teaching but i hate it. Also what you said about me being "strong", I keep reminding myself of it. My sister has been a nightmare as you probably know, i wish you could do something about it all resolving. I have had enough. I know you are both around me. I've had a lot of signs. I know you were very angry when you realised you'd died because i felt it in the rrom when i got there, and i know you were standing near the sink when i was looking at your body on the bed.

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