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Keeping Dating Profiles, Curious on Your Opinions!


jengh

If you were in a committed, serious relationship, should online profiles be permanently deleted?  

39 members have voted

  1. 1. If you were in a committed, serious relationship, should online profiles be permanently deleted?



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Totally curious about other people's opinions on this matter...because I don't think it's okay or justifiable.

 

Alright, so say you've met someone and you've gotten really serious with them (to the point where you know they're the one you want to spend your life with and you're going to get married in the future). Then you discover they have an online dating profile. It's not actively used, and status has been changed to "seeing someone" so it's not so much you're worried they'll cheat on you.

 

Is there any reason at all to keep it? After talking about it, they've disabled it but don't want to delete it because "they worked so hard on it". I see absolutely no reason to keep it. So what if you worked hard on it? It's a dating profile.

 

I can understand keeping it "just in case" if you're in the early stages of dating but I guess I just don't see the point if you're in a committed, long-term relationship that will eventually end up in marriage.

 

Is it justifiable to be upset over this? Is there any reason at all to keep the stupid profile? It seems to me like the whole point in spending the time to create said profile is to ultimately meet "that person"... but once you've met said person and are sure, just delete the damn thing..

 

What are your thoughts?

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My feelings would depend on whether they were actively checking their profile and the site really. I'm pretty sure I have at least one or two very old profiles out there, though it's unlikely a boyfriend would stumble accross them anyway. And I never look at them.

 

If he had an old profile and I found it by typing his name into google then I think a lot of them normally say 'when this user was last active' so you can tell if he checks it or not. If not, no big deal, everyone leaves a cyber trail if yes, better to have a talk with him and explain how you feel about it.

 

I would definitely find it weird if we were committed and he was actively checking his profile often.

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I think it makes sense to delete it. If you are in a committed relationship you really have no reason for it. If for some reason the relationship fails and you want to get back into online dating, by then you might have changed and want to make a completely different profile. However, if it just sitting there and hasn't been logged into for a really long time and the person doesn't even remember they have it, I wouldn't make a big bother about it. I don't see a reason to keep using it though, even if it says "seeing someone".

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Well, it's not that I'm concerned about him cheating.. I just don't see the point in him having a profile at all. He knows it exists, it's not like he just forgot about it. His reason for not wanting to delete is just because he "spent so much time on it" and is "a hoarder".

 

We're talking about it now, he knows I made the thread. I just wanted to see what other people's thoughts were on the issue or if I was overreacting by wanting him to delete it.

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I'm actually really a lot like him. And this became a real sticking point in my last relationship.

 

I save emails, thousands of them, from people who I had involved conversations with 10 years ago. Sometimes I like to go back and see what I was thinking, and how I was defining myself and life back then.

 

I almost see an outdated dating profile as kind of record of myself at that time, not just as a means to a date. It almost feels like part of my journal! Even though it has utilitarian benefit until I find the "one." After that, I see it as something I did to define myself to myself. I know EXACTLY what he means by "I worked really hard on it." I put a lot of thought into the things I write, and it feels like something self-reflective to write a well-written mission statement about oneself like that.

 

So I think you have to look at what the purpose of his keeping it is. If it's for the sake of him just keeping a record of his thoughts and self-definition, how does that hurt you? It subtracts nothing from the relationship, and I only see it as a bit controlling to ask someone to purge something they wrote from their records, when it has no bearing on his feelings or intent to date anyone else.

 

My ex didn't work hard at all on his profile, so he just didn't get it. And most profiles are just slapped together. But some people put thought and time into the crafting of it, and it's something one takes a tiny bit of pride in just for the sake of itself. I don't think it's symbolic of your importance as his SO, so don't make it into that, imho.

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Okay, that makes a lot of sense to me. Thanks a lot for your reply. I'm sentimental and don't like throwing things away either, but something like a dating profile just seems like it's one thing that "should" be thrown away. I worked very hard on my profile, put a lot of time and thought into it... but I didn't have a problem deleting it because I simply didn't see the point in having it.

 

So you think I'm being controlling here? Hmm, okay. I am genuinely curious to know people opinions on this. I don't know why it bothers me so much. It's stupid and I should probably just let it go.

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I think I'm with you, Jen. To me, it would be the sort of thing that I knew didn't matter, that I wouldn't think had anything to do with how my boyfriend felt about me, that had nothing to do with his intentions and was probably just an idiosyncrasy ... but it would still bother me quite a bit.

 

And to be honest, maybe I would think it had something to do with his intentions: if the relationship is really long-term, why would the profile ever be relevant again? Unless you're planning on being single in the near future, doesn't a dating profile quickly become obsolete?

 

By the way, close to getting engaged?! I had no idea! Congrats!

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Okay, that makes a lot of sense to me. Thanks a lot for your reply. I'm sentimental and don't like throwing things away either, but something like a dating profile just seems like it's one thing that "should" be thrown away. I worked very hard on my profile, put a lot of time and thought into it... but I didn't have a problem deleting it because I simply didn't see the point in having it.

 

So you think I'm being controlling here? Hmm, okay. I am genuinely curious to know people opinions on this. I don't know why it bothers me so much. It's stupid and I should probably just let it go.

 

You know, I think you found a good word for it -- sentimental. I can be sentimental about my own stuff, lol. Just because it was something that I felt expressed something about me, it feels like a memento. Especially if I was gonna tie the knot with the guy, I'd want to look back at "what our first contact" was! His very first impression of me, was this, which I wrote.

 

When I wrote my profile, it was after 2 years of therapy and finally feeling like I'd won some self-confidence back. It felt like a milestone to even be writing one, it was so self-empowering. I wanted to keep it for ME, no other reason. And my ex just didn't have the ability to see what I was saying, and that made me feel pressured out, like I had to get rid of it to prove something to him that wasn't even a problem getting in our way. It was just my own personal little "thing", for myself.

 

Your boyfriend might have other sentimental attachments to his, but it's a matter of feeling something is of value to him that you don't happen to feel is of value for yourself. And that's fine, there's no wrong or right about not caring about the written thing, once it's served its purpose. But he might just have more sentimentality around it than you. And like I said...suppose you did get married, wouldn't that be kind of fun to look back on years later. A record of the "seeking" stage.

 

I guess controlling is a bit of a heavy word to use, but that's how I felt with my ex. Like he was trying to control me by asking that I do something to appease him, when in fact there was nothing wrong with my motives. I guess 'cause I see it almost as a personal reflection, asking someone to get rid of that feels like it has a controlling element to it.

 

Though I understand your logic, it seems like it should have no more use. It's just that for him, it's not about that anymore, as such.

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I think I'm with you, Jen. To me, it would be the sort of thing that I knew didn't matter, that I wouldn't think had anything to do with how my boyfriend felt about me, that had nothing to do with his intentions and was probably just an idiosyncrasy ... but it would still bother me quite a bit.

 

And to be honest, maybe I would think it had something to do with his intentions: if the relationship is really long-term, why would the profile ever be relevant again? Unless you're planning on being single in the near future, doesn't a dating profile quickly become obsolete?

 

By the way, close to getting engaged?! I had no idea! Congrats!

 

Right, thank you! Totally how I feel too. I know he loves me, I trust him completely, I just think like what you said--it's obsolete!

 

And yes, it's very serious. A formal announcement shall be made when he actually proposes. I wasn't even intending on posting it in the thread, but I wanted to establish how serious a relationship it was. But thank you

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Gotcha. Again, thanks for the response. I'm just struggling to understand his logic behind it all.

 

And we didn't meet on the dating site, so it's not like we have it as a memory of how everything started or anything like that.

 

With as much of a packrat as I am, I'm surprised it bothers me at all.

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I'd disable it, but I wouldn't delete it.

 

THen again my profile is rubbish, I'd probably do well to start from scratch anyway

 

Why, though? Any particular reason? If you knew this was the girl you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, why keep it?

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I wouldnt delete the profile but then again I dont update my relationship status on social networking sites either. I would extend the same courtesy to my significant other and that is because I trust her and her judgment. Until she violates that trust I have no reason to doubt her intentions.

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Gotcha. Again, thanks for the response. I'm just struggling to understand his logic behind it all.

 

And we didn't meet on the dating site, so it's not like we have it as a memory of how everything started or anything like that.

 

With as much of a packrat as I am, I'm surprised it bothers me at all.

 

Hmm, well it sounds like his thinking is similar to mine. Nothing really mysterious, just a bit eccentric and idiosyncratic.

 

I don't think it would change my view if I hadn't met him on the site. I'd just consider that something he thinks is like a part of his history and how he put it into words. It's like a journaly thing, to me. I have no use for a few drafts I wrote in dating profiles now, but sometimes I go back to read them on rare occasion and it's like wow, this is kind of interesting....I said these things? hahaha!

 

As long as he's disabled it or hidden the profile, I would say fine. I think it just bothers you because it seems like the door is still open in a way with it, but it's just a matter of seeing it as something he feels he takes some pride in having written. Some people keep old school projects they worked really hard on, even though they're totally obsolete, and they have been graded and you've graduated. Of course, though, I'm just arguing the packrat POV.

 

But I didn't realize you had something so serious going! So that's awesome, and congrats on that, great for you!

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Oh, you shut it...even though I had to type that response out for you.

 

cshswpp tosghis o uskcsdrabyekt do ...esnoper nwo ym epyt yrt Inehw sneah tah si it o haey ho

 

Jen translates: cos this is what happens when I try to type my own response... god my keyboard sucks.

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Why, though? Any particular reason? If you knew this was the girl you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, why keep it?

 

I have a habit of making incorrect assessments of romantic situations. And life has no guarantees as it is. Though I wouldn't be prepared to declare wanting to spend the rest of my life with someone without us having a time tested foundation anyway

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I didn't read all the posts, but my 2 c's...

I worked hard on my profile, and with friends and family help, got one I liked.

If I found "the one', I'd delete it from those sites, but keep a copy somewhere, so if in the future I needed it, would have it.

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