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Advice about Facebook


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My boyfriend broke up with me on Saturday after we had been seeing each other for just over 5 months. It came completely out of the blue and one of the worst things about him ending it with me was that he did it on Facebook chat. I was very hurt by this and eventhough he said it was to due about the distance between us (about 60 miles) I was shocked that he chose to end our relationship this way and to not even phone me to tell me and also because within about 10 minutes of finishing with me he changed his relationship status to being single on his Facebook page which I couldn't believe how insensitive he could be.

 

Alot of our communication in our relationship was conducted online because of the distance and we weren't able to get to see each other that often and we used Facebook alot to check in with each other. He says that he wants us to stay friends but he wants to meet someone that lives closer to him so that he can see them more often. Because I care about him so much I was willing to compromise on the distance thing. The thing is now I don't know what to do about Facebook. I haven't been able to bear to go onto it since the early hours of Sunday morning. I have quite a few friends on there that I like to stay in contact with. I couldn't bear to read any of his status' and I know that the temptation would be too great to look at his page and see what he has been up to ?

 

I have read on here to enable healing it is wise to delete ex's from Facebook and MSN and I really need some advice please.

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Yes I am 41 and he is 28 and I never thought that the age gap mattered at all we often spoke about it and never seemed to be a problem to either of us and I do not look my age at all. I think that there is definetely other issues that he has not told me about due to the split. I have trusted him and have learnt that to not jump to assumptions without the evidence but I do suspect there is more to it than he has told me.

 

Do I just delete him as a friend without any explanation especially as we have agreed to stay friends ?

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Yeah delete him... I did that recently with a guy I did seeing for 5 month and it makes things easier. Nothing is worse than a breakup where you actually see him moving on via facebook! Also it will show him... that he cannot break up with you and then expect you to be his friend.

 

You do not want to be friends now so do not pretend to be. In a couple of months when you are over him befriend him again if you still feel that you want to be friends.

 

Although dumping you over facebook chat... does not sound like he is worth it!

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I would take it one step further and not only delete him as a friend, but block him, especially if you have mutual friends. If you don't you may still be bombarded with updates if he writes on a mutual friends wall, etc. This doesn't mean you can't still be friends, it just means you need some distance in FB.

 

Agree with the others, breaking up via chat seems very immature.

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I would take it one step further and not only delete him as a friend, but block him, especially if you have mutual friends. If you don't you may still be bombarded with updates if he writes on a mutual friends wall, etc. This doesn't mean you can't still be friends, it just means you need some distance in FB.

 

Agree with the others, breaking up via chat seems very immature.

 

I agree! My ex's weird friends (that I only met once) send me messages on Facebook asking about myself and my ex. What the heck.

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I would take it one step further and not only delete him as a friend, but block him, especially if you have mutual friends. If you don't you may still be bombarded with updates if he writes on a mutual friends wall, etc. This doesn't mean you can't still be friends, it just means you need some distance in FB.

 

Agree with the others, breaking up via chat seems very immature.

 

I agree and here is a prime example of why.... I broke up with my ex a few months back and was doing OK with it. I started to think I made a mistake and was working towards what I need to do to fix me hoping I could fix thinsg with what I did leaving her. Then I saw a pick of her on Facebook at a party with someone new and I panicked a little. Big mistake because it put me in the bad postion, almost from dumper to dumpee.

 

This past weekend, I initatiated the same approach. Took some pics of me with someone Im casually dating and mutual friends and put them on FB. She more than likely seen them because she is close to the friend. This could have 2 effects. It could make her a little jealous, or she could get angry at the mutual friend for hanging with a new person Im dating.

 

Facebook is a bad idea, and its best to block them out. I probably wouldnt have panicked or posted pics if I hadnt seen her with someone else.

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My situation is somewhat similar. My ex took me off facebook relationship and started removing pictures of us. It wasn't until I called her and asked her that she initiated the break-up. She had the nerve to say, "I was waiting for you to call me."

 

I kept her on facebook, aim, etc but in hindsight, I should have removed her from my life right away. It'll only hurt you more as you look through his profile and suddently see another girl. I obsessively checked my ex's facebook daily post break-up until the day she added a new guy as her relationship. Finding that out hurt tremendously, so I built up the courage to remove her from everything. I also sent her a final message explaining that I just don't see myself being friends with her and wished her the best with everything. I can't tell you if that was the right move though, but I just didn't want my ex to think that I hated her.

 

On the subject of remaining friends, my ex also said that she wants to continue being friends. I was in denial then and wanted to keep her in my life. Although we tried, I knew that it was not going to work out. Being friends right now is just not an option. You want to be able to move on without relying on having him in your life. Maybe, in the future, when you feel ready, you can initiate contact again. But you'll have to be sure that there isn't any ulterior motives from doing that (like wanting him back).

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I agree with the others, just delete him. I was put through a similar situation, broke up with me because of "distance," and did it through TEXT MESSAGE though. The nerve.

 

Anyway, I deleted him from everything.

 

Sometimes I feel the urge to look him up, just because we have mutual friends, but I'm very strict with myself about it. Out of sight, out of mind. It's going to hurt even more if you still have him on Facebook and you see his relationship status changing . . . especially if it's before yours. And the pictures, etc etc.

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I deleted the ex within a few days. Couldn't face looking at pictures of him laughing and joking with our joint mates wondering why they had chosen to hang out with the man that cheated on the woman he lived with and told the world he wanted to marry and walked out of their home leaving her physcially, mentally and financially broken.

 

I don't regret it for one second. One thing I do have a problem with is other ppl I know checking out his page and reporting back. He is has not removed all my firends from his page and some people think its helpful to report back what he is up to. I have been stung a couple of times by this and have now made it clear that whilst I can't stop them being his fb friend that I absolutely do not want to hear about his life.

 

Dumping through fb is a terrible cowardly thing to do. It might not feel like it now but I think you are better off in the long run. You are now free to find someone who treats you properly and has respect for both you and themselves.

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Thank you so much for the replies to my post. I guess I am still in shock at the moment as I cannot believe that he dumped me on the internet,it felt so cold and heartless even if it had been through a phonecall if he wasn't able to do so to my face it would have been less hurtful. It has shown me that he is emotionally immature but doesn't make the upset of it any less. I haven't been able to bear to go back onto Facebook since Sunday morning as I have been dreading seeing anything on his profile or status and was even considering taking myself off Facebook altogether but I have some good friends on there and enjoy keeping in touch with them through it.

 

We do share three mutual friends which are all my family members one being my daughter so maybe its best if I ask her to delete him too as to avoid temptation of asking to look at his profile while she is on Facebook? It would be so upsetting to see that he is moving on with his life after being dumped by him.

 

The fact that he changed his relationship status so quickly said alot to me about the way he felt about me and also the way that ended the relationship too. I guess when you are in love with someone its easy to see everything through rose tinted glasses and age doesn't always mean that you are any less naive so I still have much to learn about relationships but I do know that I deserve to be treated better than that. He sent me a text earlier asking if I was ok I replied to him just saying that I was still in shock and that I felt it so hurtful the way he ended 'us' and not heard back from him but agreed to staying friends with him. I agree with some of you saying that at the moment its no time for being friends with him, maybe in the future yes if I want it but its too painful for me at the moment.

 

Much of our relationship was conducted online because of the distance and not being able to see each other that often. I don't know now I how I am going to fill the void Although just over five months isn't a long time it seems like a lifetime of sharing thoughts and having special moments with him online, looking forward to receiving messages onto my Facebook and chatting to him many evenings on MSN and then looking forward to when I was going to see him again.

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I think for the moment whilst I am feeling so upset I am going to stay off Facebook at least for a few days and not even go there. When I am feeling less upset I will go on and delete him as friend, not sure at the moment if he deserves an explanation to why I am going to do so. It would have made it easier if he had spoken to more before about the doubts he had about our relationship I always made it clear to him that he could talk to me about anything, but to just come out with ending it with me out of the blue. He gave me no indication that anything was wrong which makes me wonder if he has met someone else.

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I fully get what you're going through. Facebook is killer when you're going through a breakup, especially when you get the bad end of it. I'm several months removed from a pretty major breakup, and we were both very socially active via facebook, so naturally it was a pretty painful process to deal with. But basically she broke it off and went single, and I deleted her instantly. The kicker here was that we were still living together (pretty rough time...) so we "tried to be friends" without ever even getting space. Long story short, she re-friended me and I re-added her. Now, she's moved out (again, several months ago), and I find myself constanly fighting over being "strong" and leaving her as a friend (I guess with some sick hope that we may interact again in the future), or just get on with things, suck it up and boot her (and trust me, I'm not one that sits around stalking her every move, but I can think of several times over this period that I've read or seen something of or about her on FB that has gotten me very down).

 

Anyway...i'm actually glad you started this thread because I finally feel like there is no positive reason for keeping her as a friend anymore. But I definitely do know how hard it is, so just try and stay strong...best of luck with your situation, I feel like just letting this out may help mine

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Thank you again for your advice on this. This morning I am trying to control this urge to go onto Facebook, I have checked my emails and no messages from him but have a couple of messages from Facebook with a couple of friends asking where I am.....as I am usually quite socially active on there. I know that at the moment this isn't a good thing to do as there is no way that I want to see anything that may be on his status or profile but know if I log on I will be so tempted to do so.

 

I wouldn't even be able to write anything on my own status at the moment except for expressing how upset and sad I am feeling at the moment I think that Facebook can be addictive and I have realised today how much I have been using it and how much I used it to keep in touch with my boyfriend (ex now of course) It has also caused jealousy within me over the past few months. He has many friends on there over 300, many are women we met on a dating site and before we started seeing each other he was very actively internet dating and had accumulated many female friends on Facebook but we did discuss this and he assured me that I was the one he was interested in and wanted a relationship with.

 

I would sometimes go onto his profile and see flirty messages from other women to him and the replies he sent back were sometimes flirty too. I spoke to him a couple of months ago about it and he flew off the handle and accused me of not trusting him when all I had done was admitted that it had sparked feelings of jealousy off in me but I did trust him (? not sure if I did now) but we did discuss it and he stopped with the flirty messages on his replies to these women eventhough these women continued writing messages on his page.

 

He also continued adding women to his profile since we had been seeing each other I never questioned him about this but would have a look at their picture and sometimes the basic information about them would tell me in which area they were living, very often it was in the same area as him, but being full of trust and optimism I tried to put these things to the back of my mind and tell myself not to be paranoid. I have alot less friends on there and most are mainly friends that I know or relatives.

 

I realise that Facebook can be an absolute nightmare when you are going through a relationship split when your ex is on there but today its feeling like cold turkey.

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Hey Pollywolly,

 

I think you need to delete your ex on fb, and NOW. Also block him because you don't want peripheral info floating through as it can and will. You are in this state of anxiety about finding out what is going on in his life, because he is still there, in yours. So get rid of him. You two broke up, there is no need to know anymore.

 

If you are holding out because you are waiting to hear from him, don't. You already know this is finished. And if you are holding out because you are worried he will think bad of you, you can always email him beforehand and explain very briefly that its nothing personal.

 

I deleted and blocked my ex recently, after two earlier tries where he contacted me by email and asked me to reconsider. I didn't want to be the bad guy who deletes a "friend", but at the end of the day, I am more invested than he is; that being so I want to know nothing about his life until I am "divested".

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I learned very quick that its harmful to go on facebook, as its hard to resist looking at your ex's profile, and even if you delete them, there are always pictures of them with mutual friends...I was doing okay then I saw pictures of her at grad..That tore me apart. I deactivated my account yesterday and I wont be going on there for quite some time...

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I have decided that yes if I am going to start healing then I am going to delete them as a friend off Facebook, because its still only been 4 days since the split I am still reeling from the shock of it actually happening. At the moment I can just about log onto to here and check my emails. I don't have the strength to log onto Facebook just yet, bring up his profile and delete him as a friend as I know its going to upset me so much. So have not even been onto the site since Sunday.

 

I just feel so sad and eventhough I am accepting that its actually over I am in some weird way that he may have second thoughts and decide that he didn't want it to end after all. The anxiety is there and all the feelings of loss and hopelessness, running our relationship through my head every waking hour, trying to analyse what went wrong and if there was anything more I could have done to make the relationship work, but it was his decision and not mine I would have been happy to continue with the way the relationship was by communicating online with him and just being able to see him every few weeks or so.

 

We would chat online most days sometimes for a few hours at a time and I am missing this so much. I haven't known what to do with myself in the evenings to fill the void. Deleting him off my Facebook friend's list is the only option. I will send him a message to him to explain why I am doing so and that I am not doing it to be spiteful and that I need to protect myself from further hurt, pain and anxiety. Maybe I will feel differently further down the line and will be able to add him back as a friend. The only way I was able to get over my previous relationship was to go NC so I know this is the best thing to do but its so so hard especially when I thought he loved and cared about me the same way....that's the most painful thing to realise that all those words he said to me weren't true

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I will send him a message to him to explain why I am doing so and that I am not doing it to be spiteful and that I need to protect myself from further hurt, pain and anxiety.

 

Just tell him that considering whats happened that you think its best that you delete him for now.

 

He doesnt deserve to know your inner feelings or even wants to know. Don't do it.

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Today I did it ! I deleted him as a friend off my Facebook. I sent him a message on Friday night telling him that I was going to do so, had no reply from him, went onto his profile this morning to find he had been adding lots of women and also to see very flirty messages from him to another woman on there.

 

I don't need that hurt in my life, its bad enough as it is without having to have your face rubbed in it too. He is obviously not the guy I thought he was but someone who is just quite shallow, insensitive and immature.

 

Today my healing has to begin and no contact is going to be the only way I can do that. It will take me a long time to get over him and the pain is very real, but having him as a friend on Facebook would be like stabbing in the knife over and over again, I am feeling all the emotions but feeling angry today too.

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Good for you, you did the right thing. I went through a shocking break up a couple of years back with a young gent...he grew distant and I had a feeling something was fishy and then he provoked me into breaking up with him by being an a**hat. I stalked him on fb afterwards and three weeks later his status changes to "in a relationship" with a girl I was fishy about. It was an awful thing to go through.

 

ENA is very handy in knowing how to handle these kinds of things better - this time around I deleted my ex off fb and I will never know who he has replaced me with, which means I can put the focus where it should be - on myself.

 

Good luck with moving on, this guy really wasn't worth it. It sounds like he might have been looking elsewhere earlier and you didn't realise..not a genuine person or genuine relationship (mine wasn't either and it was LDR too...can make it hard to guage the intentions and sincerity of someone)

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took my ex off facebook last week. was checking her status too much and didnt want to see anymore photos on there. I want to be well clear if she gets a new boyfriend in the near future. Glad I took her off, now my imagination cant run wild wondering what the status update is about

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Wow! dumped via facebook!

 

That has to be a new low in humanity....and i thought dumping by text was bad.

 

I think you are well rid of this guy (he gives men a bad name....well he's not much of a man really).

 

I would consider this as a stroke of good fortune on your part...seriously i would and i wouldn't give him a second thought. Why waste your emotions and good heart on someone who deserves nothing of your feelings.

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Thank you folks for your support. Deleting my ex was a really hard thing to do but to have been dumped via Facebook was such a shabby thing for him to have done to me, yes just as bad as a text I agree nicknick.

 

I think it sent me into a state of shock for the first week and now its really sinking in and I now can see all the warning signs I should have seen back along in the relationship and I believe now that he was still actively looking for someone else who lived closer to him.

 

I have always been the optimist wanting to see the good in people and being able to trust and believe in them. I have probably boosted my ex's ego no end and could see that on his Facebook page earlier today before I deleted him, he doesn't deserve my friendship as I would never treat a friend the way he has me. It's so painful and will still be for a while but at least now I don't have the temptation of looking on there at what is going on with his life.

 

I am now officially going NC there is no need for me to get in touch with him at all and its high time I start looking after myself again and can now go onto Facebook to check in with my true friends and to begin my healing.

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