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I feel so violated and taken advantage of. Is this all my fault?


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I hung out with a friend I hadn't seen in about 2 years, his name is John. I was never THAT good of friends with him, but we were both bored on friday night so we decided to hang out and play a game of pool. After playing pool John decided to have a few drinks and I really didn't realize how drunk he was. I wanted to go home after but he started driving to his place and he said we were going to go back there to hang out for a bit longer.

 

He had a few more drinks at his place. I only had two beers because I had a busy day ahead of me the next day and I really felt no need to get drunk.

 

I noticed he started to get a really tipsy and came to the realization he was NOT driving me home. So I thought it would be ok to sleep on the couch and he agreed that I could sleep on the couch. He told me he would get me a shirt to wear in the night since I was not wearing comfortable sleeping clothes. At that point he brought me to his room to find a shirt to wear. But instead of finding me a shirt he tossed me on the bed and tried to get with me (I'm a very small person and he is tall and strong).

 

I told him I didn't want to do anything with him, but he kept on trying. And he was VERY forceful. He was really drunk so I imagine he didn't realize how forceful he was being. It was about a 3 hour battle until I finally just gave up. It wasn't like I was kicking and screaming but I made it clear i wasn't interested. He kept on using his strength to pick me up and put me on top of him, triyng to take my clothes off etc. I felt an enormous sense of guilt, like I had somehow really lead him on and deserved what was happening. So I gave up in the end... and things happened. I feel sick to my stomach.

 

I told one of his good friends what happened. He said this isn't the first time John has tried to do something like this, but last time the girl escaped because she knew someone who lived in the same building. He thinks that I shouldn't let him get away with what he did, but I feel like it was my fault anyways.

 

I have a boyfriend and I really don't know what to do. I haven't told him and I don't know what he will think. This is all my fault... I could have put up more of a fight but I didn't. I feel like a horrible person. I need to get tested now, I definitely wont be having sex with my boyfriend until I do that. Ugh.

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I agree with Tux..get the police involved. Have you gone to a hospital. Do you have any bruising. If so, take pictures of the bruising. I will also say that you need to take more control early on..are their taxis or buses in your area...did you have a cell phone? Is your boyfriend local or long distance? In other words, when you wanted to be taken home and he drove you to his place, you should not have gone inside...you should have called your boyfriend, called a taxi, called a friend etc. The fact that he didn't listen to what you wanted (to go home) was the first sign that something was amiss. Then when he kept downing those drinks you should never have agreed to sleep on his couch. You are NOT at fault for being raped...but there were indeed ways in which you could have protected yourself better.

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This is all my fault... I could have put up more of a fight but I didn't. I feel like a horrible person. I need to get tested now, I definitely wont be having sex with my boyfriend until I do that. Ugh.

 

No it's really not all your fault; from your description, this guy raped you. You were probably too shocked in the situation, not to say intoxicated, to put up too much of a fight, and there's no reason why should have to: no means no regardless of whether you're kicking and screaming at the time. You resisted for 3 hours; he clearly wasn't interested in taking no for an answer. Please do go to the police if you can, and tell your bf everything as you've told it to us here, and I'm sure he'll understand.

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I can understand how you feel being violated and sick to your stomach but it is not your fault. This guy sounds like a schmuck and you must contact the authorities and put this guy's ass in the locker. And since he has done this before it needs to go on his record that he is a sexual predator. What should happen if this ensues again to some other poor girl? You have a responsibility to yourself and for every other woman that might cross his path to let this be known.

 

As for your boyfriend you must tell him, there cannot be any compromise or being wishy-washy about it he has a right to know that his girlfriend was taken advantage of. You go to him and have one of those "we need to talk" talks and say John son-of-a- * * * * * raped me. He'll be skeptical because you were going to stay at his house but the fact is that this is 110% NOT your fault.

 

Don't delay this any longer. I know this must be a difficult time for you but try not to feel like your going about this all alone. You have family and friends to help you along especially the people here on ENA. Keep us posted and come here when you feel the need to vent.

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Rape.

 

Take it to the police and get this guy done for what he did.

 

You should not feel any guilt.

If I was in you BF shoes, John would be begging for the police get to him first.

 

So what he may have been drunk, but thats no excuse for what he did.

"He Raped me" "

"come on. . .I was drunk"

 

FAIL

 

Hopefully John will get his John cut off too.

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Thanks for the responses. I don't think I could go to the police. I feel like it was completely my fault... What if they ask me why I didn't call a taxi, or call a family member or something.

 

I feel completely embarrassed and sick with myself. I'm a passive person when it comes to things like that, I could have stood up for myself more. I felt like I owed him something... like by hanging out with him and him picking me up he somehow got the impression this was what i wanted. I know it sounds crazy.

 

While we hung out I was very stand off-ish. I DO have a boyfriend and I tried to make it clear that I just wanted to meet up as friends, but maybe I still did something. I have a lot of guy friends so maybe I just figured this would be like any other hang out with one of my guy friends...

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As everyone has said, you need to go to the police, it doesnt matter whether you fight him or not, if you said no than he shouldn't have continued!!! He raped you. Yes, you shouldn't have hung out with someone you are not familiar without someone else but you didn't cause this to happen to you. Call the police before it is too late.

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Do not be "brainless" this is, again, NOT your fault. You don't owe this guy * * * * . Friends can go out and have a drink without leading the other one on. From the beginning you made it clear that it was just as friends and he went for it anyway and forced himself upon you. This is something you cannot lie down and be passive about. The whole thing is difficult to endure but you must come clean about it to the law. Before that I'd go to your boyfriend and/or mother to help you. I know it might sound hard to explain it and they could ask why didn't you do this or that but the bottom line is he raped you. Used a friendly face to lure you into his place, and his physical stature to use and abuse you and instill fear in you. I mean did he even apologize afterwards or say anything in the time following?

 

Do not fool yourself into thinking that you have any fault in this. You trusted your "friend" and he took advantage when he got you into his space with little option to do anything about it. Geeze girl take a kickboxing class or something. I have a little sister and if this happened to her, believe you me after I'm done the guy who did it would never think of it let alone have his actual member to do it. Hell if I knew him I'd nail him on a cross and stone him for what he did. Ask yourself what would Jesus do? Light him on fire and send him to hell is what.

 

You sound like a smart girl and I don't need a picture of you to tell that your an attractive lady and every lady should be treated like one. This guy should be in the back alley's to dig for food in the trash like the rest of the dogs. No offense to dog lovers just as an example.

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Adding my "voice" to the choir -- this is rape, it was not your fault, you are a victim. Please report him so that you can get the help and justice you deserve (of course you should also go see a doctor) and also to help other women who he likely will victimize if he is not punished. Sure, you could have called a taxi or a friend (and my guess is next time there is a similar situation, you will) but your decisions do not change the fact that he raped you. Please get that out of your head - I know it's like a bad tape running through your head - but just let it run through your head and ignore it, focus instead on taking good care of yourself.

 

Take care.

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I think you should call him and talk about what happen. As other said, this is rape by most definitions but it may be possible to resolve this without getting the law involved and destroying his life. I understand the pain he caused you may warrent that but bringing more pain brings pleasure to no one.

 

Did you tell him no or were you wressling around?

 

Did you jokingly say 'no, I shouldn't be doing this' or 'NO!'?

 

Not sure about the exact situation, you said you eventually 'gave in' before anything happened...not 100% on the law but if nothing had happened and he made another advance you didn't shoot down, is that rape?

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While this is rape in the spirit of the term, whether the facts meet the legal standards for either a criminal conviction or even a civil suit, is in doubt. Add to that that the facts will be disputed - a case of 'he said vs. she said'.

 

In addition to the police, OP, I think you should contact a rape hotline. They will be able to give you much better advice than you'll likely get here. Mostly on ENA, you are just going to see a lot of justified outrage directed at this guy's behavior, but you need good advice.

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This is clear cut "rape." This infuriates me that someone could suggest giving this guy a break, and not getting the law involved!

 

I'm not suggesting that. What I'm suggesting is that over 3 hours, if he had been drinking heavily, chances are he went to the bathroom more than once. She had 2 beers, she was more than sober enough to go out the door then and find her way home. She could have also gone to the bathroom and called someone.

 

I'm not saying that because she didn't do this it isn't rape but it sounds a little fishy to me. Sometimes, people glorify the way they acted so they don't look like the bad guy. If this was a genuine rape, I apoligize, but there are a lot of fake rape claims out there, but ALL genuine rape attempts should be reported.

 

They were wressling around, who knows if it is playfully or forcefull, the appearance of bruises doesn't tell that. She admits that she finially 'gave in'...if he was making continued advances and she eventually stopped shooting him down, that doesn't mean it was rape, that means she finially went with it although given other circumstances, it could be rape.

 

I'm not suggesting she give the guy a break, I had someone tell her friends about what happened with her and I and they convinced her it was rape. She talked to me and realized that she just regretted what she did. If she had tried to charge me with rape, it would have destroyed my life and hers. I might have even been prosecuted for doing nothing wrong.

 

All I'm saying is that maybe she should touch base with him to see what happened and to get a clear case from both sides. Something here tells me we aren't getting all the information and while I'm sorry for the person this happened to and want to believe them, I also have to question the stance of the person this happened to given the fact that we don't have enough information.

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Am I missing something? I reread the post and don't see anything about him actually having sex with her, so how is this rape?

 

If I missed it, can someone quote it? Otherwise, please explain why this is rape. At most I'd think sexual assault but I didn't think it could be rape without sex.

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To add to that, if this is NOT a clear cut case of rape, I think the members on here need to be really careful for advising this girl to run to the cops and cry rape.

 

If he didn't have sex with her and she reports a rape to the police, it's possible he could get charged for something he didn't do and it'll lead back to advice that she received here.

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Wise words. Yes, it is a case of he said/she said and I agree that we may not be getting the entire story about what happened...there were a lot of choices made...to not leave, to sleep over, to not make any phone calls to anyone, to not try to leave. We don't know what really went on. I agree there are plenty of women who say rape when it was really regret over choices they made so it does work both ways...men have indeed been unfairly branded by a woman who, in the cold light of day has regrets. It is a tough call because we were not there...and that is what the police would have trouble grappling with as well...he said, she said.

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Okay - I see now where she gave up and things happened, but I would wait until "sex" is specified before saying rape. A lot of you give fantastic advice so I'm not trying to take away from that or bash anyone. All I'm saying is that this is a huge thing to comment on, and I'm sure you all could be right, but maybe make SURE of the facts before possibly changing someone's life.

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To add to that, if this is NOT a clear cut case of rape, I think the members on here need to be really careful for advising this girl to run to the cops and cry rape.

 

If he didn't have sex with her and she reports a rape to the police, it's possible he could get charged for something he didn't do and it'll lead back to advice that she received here.

 

If she was sober enough to try to resist and remember the incident them I'm pretty damn sure she wouldn't make this up.

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If she was sober enough to try to resist and remember the incident them I'm pretty damn sure she wouldn't make this up.

 

I didn't say she made it up. I'm just saying...there's a big difference between "he forced me to have sexual intercourse with him" and "things happened". I didn't say she wasn't telling the truth, I was simply saying that before people say "OMG RAPE, CALL THE COPS", maybe they should find out whether things even went that far.

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Are you still reading, Heartless? Do you have someone close to you, in real life, you can confide to?

 

Whatever happened - you don't deserve to hurt. And you don't need to be alone in this.

 

Have you gone to see the doctor yet? If not, that's one of the first things I'd do. Preferably, with your bf or a close friend that you trust, or a family member. Just someone who can help you through this confusing and hard time.

 

Almost every major city also has women's clinics. Often times you can simply call if you don't feel comfortable going in or can't get there. You can talk to someone to help you through this and help you find a way to the best course of action.

 

lots of love.

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Yes I am here. Sorry. Thanks for the responses everyone. I don't know what to think out of what happened. I feel sick about what happened but I don't want to go ruining someone's life when I could have done a few more things to stop it.

 

John tried to get ahold of my today through text message. He just asked me how the rest of the weekend went, so clearly he thinks everything is fine. He probably doesn't even remember what happened. Oh well. I guess I'll just let it go.

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