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conflicting feelings


denet24

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In my mind, I know breaking up is the right thing to do. I love my bf but I just can't imagine a future together. I enjoy being with him, he's my best friend and we talk every day. But its like I'm just missing something. I notice other guys, at time I feel trapped and am desperate for freedom.

 

I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster although he has no idea. At times I want to split and at other times I'm so happy with him and so attached to him that I dismiss all breakup thoughts. When we're together I do love being with him, we do connect and understand each other. When he goes away, I don't really miss him and thoughts of splitting up intensify.

 

Every time I think of breaking up I get sad and depressed and don't know how I'd live without him after being together for so long. I've mustered up the courage in the past to breakup but we were never apart for more than a day- we'd get right back together.

 

It's my first relationship and part of me is desperate to have time apart, clear my head and see how I feel... I feel held back from things I want to do but can't because he's in my life. At the same time, its hard to imagine life without him. I know if i breakup again it would probably be the final time and the finality of it, of him no longer being a part of my life at all, freaks me out. i need help please!!

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What can you do without him that you can't do whilst you're with him?

If being with him holds you back from doing things you love, then it's not good to sacrifice your happiness in order to just hold onto a relationship that is comforting to you, but not much else.

But if you simply feel like you'd get to do better things without him in your life, maybe you need to do some reevaluating of feelings..

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Does he know how you feel? Does he know that you feel held back? Have you even talked to him regarding this?

 

This is the same BS (I'm sorry) that my ex gf gave me, somewhat. Look, if he really cares he'll probably back off. I never knew how my ex felt until she finally just broke up with me. No one is perfect, I know that, but to make a relationship work both partners need to contribute. Your not holding up your end by not telling him how you feel.

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This is the same BS (I'm sorry) that my ex gf gave me, somewhat. Look, if he really cares he'll probably back off. I never knew how my ex felt until she finally just broke up with me. No one is perfect, I know that, but to make a relationship work both partners need to contribute. Your not holding up your end by not telling him how you feel.

 

got to agree. my ex decided to bottle things up and so i had no clue she wasnt happy. She thought i wasnt into her but i was stepping back as she was starting to distance herself. After we broke up she said i wasnt open enough but then she never wanted to tell me how she felt. We can't read minds. The ex then said she wished we had talked sooner about how we felt. Bottling it up will just spell doom for the relationship.

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We see this a lot, so think about this carefully before you do something you may end up regretting.

 

Although men and women are very similar in their needs for intimacy and connection, they tend to be 'wired' differently. Obviously, some of your needs are not being met, for both of you.

 

In a relationship, when you do things, if someone is really mature enough, you sit down and talk about it, and you talk it out. I wonder if maybe you don't tell him how you feel, when you are with him, and then afterward you hold a grudge or you feel empty and disconnected inside. The result is that he doesn't even have a chance to change his behaviour.

 

In a good relationship, both of you would help each other to understand, instead of "mind-reading" or using "magical thinking" (which means you say "oh it will all work out somehow" and, then, when it doesn't work out, people start blaming one another). Magical thinking and mind-reading just don't work to keep people connected. Instead, you need to share your fears and vulnerabilities with one another. If you have trouble with such talks, then plan 10 or 15 minute sessions, and stick to that limit, and then plan a fun activity afterward.

 

A lot of men don't really understand how to have relationships, because they are 'wired' differently in their upbringing and in their circuitry. So, women really need to be more patient and to educate, because he doesn't really know what's going on with you. If you're not going to tell him what's going on, then I think it's a bit unfair because nobody can be a mind reader, so not only are one or both of you making mistakes of things he doesn't understand, as a male, but I think you're also not giving anybody a chance to fix things.

 

It's up to women and men to tell one another what it is they want, which is better than leaving and going to new people, which is a no-win situation. In a good relationship, you don't get put into no-win situations, and you also get a second chance at it, but if you leave and don't give a chance, and if you don't talk and if you don't try to help the other person, then you both have to look at whether or not that person can be a life partner. That is what you need to look at.

 

If you really want to break up, and you are sure that you've expressed your needs and talked it out, and educated each other, then I would suggest taking a break from each other of about 6 weeks, and you do not communicate with one another during that time, which is very important. You say you don't miss him when you're away from him, so one wonders how you will feel about this, because you do not communicate with each other during those 6 weeks. This gives you a chance to evaluate life without one another, and it gives you enough time to try to understand the different stages of your emotions. But, this should be the last resort.

 

I read a lot of ambivalence in what you are saying, and we see this a lot with people. So, I tell you this because you might regret this decision down the road, when what you could be doing is having a new "affair" with the person you already have, and practicing and learning how to educate one another, practice attachment skills (do you do a 30-second kiss every day and a 20-second hug?) that spark the "honeymoon" brain chemicals, and so on. Obviously you love this person so why not try educating him, telling him your needs, and listening to his needs?

 

Good luck to you.

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Well, ok so the real big problem is, I come from a religious background (extremely religious) where my family would never accept him. So its been a "secret" relationship... crazy, I know. But its the way its been and I've gotten used to it. But because of the situation, I can't travel on trips with him (except on occasion), and he doesn't like when I go traveling with friends or family because he misses me...

 

I suppose the situation has made me feel trapped but his love for me is so strong he's willing to deal with the family situation i.e. eventually end the secrecy and move in together. I don't see myself every being ready for that. We've spoken about it on occasion, and when it does come up he says things like, "it's one day at a time"... I don't see myself ever being able to tell my family because of how they'd react and treat us - which I've told him - so a future of us together doesn't exist in my head, whereas in his head it does, regardless of what I've said.

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Good question... I probably would still feel trapped although maybe less than I do now, since the relationship started out when I was pretty young and became serious rather quickly I never really had time to try anything new or discover who I am. (If I wanted to go backpacking Europe now with a friend I wouldn't really be able to).

 

While my family is certainly part of my problem, if I'm truly honest I would say he's partially the problem.

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Good question... I probably would still feel trapped although maybe less than I do now, since the relationship started out when I was pretty young and became serious rather quickly I never really had time to try anything new or discover who I am. (If I wanted to go backpacking Europe now with a friend I wouldn't really be able to).

 

While my family is certainly part of my problem, if I'm truly honest I would say he's partially the problem.

 

I met my first boyfriend when I was only 16 and was with him until I was 25. I have never felt more trapped in my life! I was with him through high school and college and missed out on a lot because we were pretty attached. By the time I broke it off I had waited so long that I resented him for not going with my friends and travelling and just doing things that didn't include him. Remember, this is your life, if you're still young, communicate how you feel with him and decide what's best, maybe you'll find that he may feel the same way. Good Luck and please, don't miss out on backpacking through Europe, the summer I broke up with my boyfriend that was the first thing I did!

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thanks for the advice, it does make me feel a lot better. I don't know how to say it to him, even simple things like how do start the conversation. Whats tough is that everything is great when we're together and I'm afraid of saying something out of the blue. Problem is when we're apart and my mind wanders and I get sad and depressed. Its so hard for me to get the courage to breakup it seems nearly impossible.

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Hmmm..I went through this with my ex a few years back. I felt something was missing too but I realized what was missing was a sense of purpose in my life! It had little to do with my ex.

 

I loved my ex to death and it seems like you really love your bf too...so maybe this isn't about your bf...the something missing. Relationships go through periods of strong and weaker infatuation but that's normal. It's also normal to think about other people.

 

I wouldn't throw away a good, loving relationship over this. Maybe it means you need to make a chance in your life...find a new hobby or do something that makes you feel energized and purposeful. That may even influence your feelings for your bf, because when we feel depressed, we tend to attribute it to whoever is around us and when we feel happy, we associate that happiness with whoever's around. You could even try spicing things up with your bf. Do new things for yourself and together.

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If you are feeling like this; it seems best to really clear your head.

 

You not being happy will eventually show.

 

It is tough to do....but ultimately the best to really see what you want.

 

This is you FIRST relationship, no need to feel trapped. Don't know how old you are but nothing is wrong with wanting to see what else is out there especially if you can't see a future b/w you two.

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  • 2 years later...

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