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married 19 years and found soulmate...


e2zznic

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I recently reconnected with a girl I knew in the 8th and 9th grade. We were best friends, but I had strong feelings for her, and never told her. I moved away, and never saw Jennifer again, but thought of her every so often. That was 1981.

I got married to a wonderful girl in 1990 at the age of 23, and we have two children. We live a pretty normal life, the only exception being, my wife and I never talk. We have never had great communication, she (and her whole family) tend to sweep things under the rug. The more I try to get her to open up, the further she retreats. She is fairly religious, and doesnt believe in sex other than to create life, which was another sore subject for us. I pretty much gave up, and decided that this was my life and I need to just deal with it.

Well, last fall, I saw Jennifers name on a website, and decided to reconnect. I honestly had no intentions other than curiosity as to what she had been up to all these years. She called me and we talked for a while, again, about nothing in particular. Oh, by the way, she lives 3000 miles from me. The phone calls continued for a few months every so often, and it was amazing how much we had in common. We were finishing each others sentences, texting the exact same thing at the same time, and we could talk about anything. She was always a good listener. She makes me feel something I've never felt before. Like she's my other half.

Bottom line. Its been almost a year, and other than photos, we don't really know what the other looks like anymore, but I am totally in love with her, and she is in love with me. I NEVER felt this way about my wife, even when I think back to whe we were dating. I am so tired of coming home to silence every night, my kids walk on eggshells because they don't know when we will get into an argument, which sends her into the bathroom for hours. We tried to get counseling years ago, and the therepist said that if we wont talk, it wont work. Period.

My question is: Could this girl from my past really be my true love, or am I just searching for someone to fill the void, and she popped up? The fact that I have only recently become physically attracted to her tells me that there's something more here between us. She's all I can think about, day and night. Thanks in advance.

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Could this girl from my past really be my true love

 

No.

 

am I just searching for someone to fill the void,

 

Yes.

 

Look, you are falling in love with a romantic fantasy. Yes it is exciting and after 16 years your wife has no chance of competing with that. But it has about as much substance as a balloon and really you are deluding yourself.

 

Just read your post again.....it is way over the top aspirational in terms of a relationship.

 

It's not all yor wife's fault that your marriage is struggling...don't convince yourself taht it is. Do the right thing and make a commitment to see if you can make your marriage work. If you do that, you will feel much better about yourself if you do have to eventually walk away.

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Obviously something's going on in your marriage that has led to you looking elsewhere for a connection. As a result of your new connection, though, you're less inclined to try and make it work. That's not fair to your wife. And this girl shouldn't be texting and calling a married man the way she is. It feels all rosy b/c you're looking for that 'spark'. I suppose it all comes down to what you think about marriage and commitment. 19 years is a lot to throw away, yet people do it all the time.

Come clean with your wife and let her be a part of this "decision"...she might make it easier for you than you think.

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I agree with what others have said. It seems like you've glamorized your relationship with this girl and developed a fantasy that you're using to escape from the dissatisfaction you feel in your marriage. You're going to continue to be unhappy unless you either improve your marriage or end it.

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I think you're just idealizing her because it's so easy to do that sometimes when things aren't perfect. But trust me, you'd have a whole bag of issues if you were together with her. It's just one of those things that comes along with relationships. She is not your soulmate, you're just idealizing her.

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I have a question. Have you actually seen your old friend in person after you found her online? Or has it all been emails and phone calls? I ask because 19 years is a lot to throw away for someone you have not seen for years. However if it really is true love with your old friend. It's gonna be impossible to throw away, more impossible than 19 years of marriage. But as some people have said, you and your wife seem to have some major problems. Maybe you being attracted to your old friend is due to that and nothing more. There is a lot to consider please think before you act.

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Perspective:

 

If you'd have married Jennifer 19 years ago, you'd likely be thinking about a way out now, and about some other one that got away, allowing you to fill some missing void. Our emotions and feelings, especially for mysteries and the unknown, aren't static. They change.

 

Think about Jennifer from 3000 miles away who can write and saw such sweet, unassuming things because she has no day to day responsibility toward you, doesn't know the "real you" yet, and loves so much that you think you are in love with her vs. Jennifer from 6 years from now. You've divorced your wife, ran off with the internet flinge, your children hate you, Jennifer is getting bored now, the bills are scattered in the yard, she's pregnant and fat, hormonal, and impossible to deal with... wonders how she ever could have thought those things about you.

 

This isn't a comment on you understand. I'm sure that you're a swell guy. A very wise person once said "Everything looks perfect from far away." Meditate on that one for awhile, and then live in awe of this woman who has been willing to share her life with you for so long, think about ways to inspire her and to bring out the best in her, and then do be put off too much when she doesn't take to it right away. It takes awhile to break someone into a new way of feeling and acting.

 

Or, if that doesn't work, divorce your wife, but makes sure that it's not so you can run into the arms of another. That's not noble or beautiful. That's ugly and fearful. Don't be that guy. Just work on getting up enough courage to be alone for a little while. THEN, you can think about exploring a new relationship.

 

But again... these LDR internet things are notorious for producing false positives. They are a virtual reality and not a real reality no matter how much real is peppered in.

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Not that you will take the blindest bit of notice, but:

 

Obviously no morals on Jennifers part, hence her contact with a married guy. So that disqualifies her immediatley and from being this wonderful being you make her out to be....

 

You also appear to be trying to justify all this, by laying all of the blame on your wife....when it takes 'two' to make a marriage work. She doesn't do this, she doesn't do that, blah de blah, blah and of course the same old line...'I NEVER felt this way about my wife'......why did you marry your wife then?

 

I would suggest that rather then devote your time writing little love notes to a woman you really know nothing about and who you havn't seen in years.....try devoting that time to your wife and marriage and things then might improve. A marriage that you willingly went into, with a vow of 'til death us do part'....not 'til another woman comes along'....

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This is actually the first story like this that I somewhat agree with. Your marriage is stale yes, you have not cheated but are being unfaithful in a sense. However how can you say all of this about your wife when you married her. Why did you propose and decide to have kids with her then?

 

This could be something to fill the gap that your wife is not providing. However love is not perfect and life is no different. Maybe things just aren't meant to work out anymore and your marriage has run its course. Your wife is not communicating with you, and steering clear from any intimacy, and this "sweep under the rug" routine is making things worse. You should confront her about this and seriously consider that if things do not get better divorce should be made an option.

 

Personally I come from a divorced family. I was raised by a single mother and an older and younger sister. Not the greatest situation. On top of all that I was informed two years ago that my father had cheated. How far I honestly do not know and want to keep it that way. I'm a good person by nature and would do anything to prevent divorce but sometimes its the best way. Your situation has become more volatile despite you attempts to remedy the roots of the discontent with each other. You probably have told yourself to stay with your partner for your kids. As noble as your intentions might be your happiness is also a priority. I am not an expert on the subject but I'd to the best of my opinion is a separation. This is not easy for anyone so take your time to step back and analyze what this could do and mean for your family. Best of luck to you and the family.

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Obviously no morals on Jennifers part, hence her contact with a married guy. So that disqualifies her immediatley and from being this wonderful being you make her out to be....

 

I wouldn't rag on someone for contact with an old best friend who is now married unless you can prove the intention was romantic from the get-go. How their contact grew and kindled into something more than buddies chit-chatting has yet to be put into clear enough light to say that she is anywhere near deserving of such a guillotine-force judgment as above.

 

 

As for the OP: fantasy speculations aside, your marriage is corked and about to blow. This is the catalyst, and if Jennifer didn't happen along, something else would have built up to force the levee. Regardless of the Jennifer side of this issue, the fact of the matter is that with your marriage this tense with passive implosivity you're going to end up acting out eventually in order to stir up the bleak gray nothing that you obviously hate so dearly about your current situation. I don't blame you for being upset with the problems you have, but you do need to deal with them actively and assertively before making a danger-wrought move elsewhere on the relationship playing field. At the very least, you should know that a great deal of what is fueling your infatuation with your Jenflame MAY be due mostly to your wife issues rather than how special this woman truly is.

 

That's not to say that she's not possibly your Ace in the hole and that you shouldn't bypass the check in search of the mate - I only want to put into perspective what you likely are and are not dealing with primarily so that your focus can be put there first and shifted from the secondary and so on. I've always wanted more than anything to believe in true love and people being "meant" for one another specifically, but the older and wiser and colder I grow the more I regretfully resonate the chorus to Queensryche's "I Don't Believe in Love".

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I think you are trying to fill a void that neither your wife or jennifer can fill.

 

I think your best option is to cut off contact with Jennifer (she is a fantasy and a distraction that's ultimately not helping you, it's keeping you back) - remind yourself of all the qualities in your wife that you actually still love and admrire (after 19yrs of trying, its unlikely she'll change to "fix" the stuff you don't like.. so just focus on the stuff you do) and fill that void by making whatever changes to your own life (not to your relationship) that you need to make. I don't know if that's improving your friendship circles, finding a hobby to be passionate about, making improvements in some areas.. perhaps learning to be a better father? I don't know.. further education.. travel..? I don't know what it is.

 

But get some IC to figure you void out. It's not caused by your wife and Jennifer is not the solution. It's caused within you and you are the solution.

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Okay, I need to clarify a few things. First, we first attended counseling over 10 years ago to resolve issues that we have. Communication is key, they said. We would talk pretty well for a couple of months, then I would do something that made her angry, and it would revert back to the same old thing. Everytime I would ask what's wrong, her reply was "Just forget it."Then she wouldnt talk to me for days. I have worked my ass off for over a decade trying to make this work. Right now, all Im thinking of are my children. I hate the idea of being raised by a single parent, but all they see right now is us arguing and the resentment between us. And I never said it was all her. I am guilty of not trying very hard some times, and just plain giving up at other times. I am exhausted! As for the question of why I married her... I did love her at one time. Fact is, we were both on rebounds, and we had that connection. We dated for two years, and got along fine. Looking back, I can totally see we werent compatible. Different ideas on raising children (really big deal here) different religions, different opinions on many things. But we were physically attracted to each other, and I guess marriage meant stability. (hmmm)Its not that I regret marrying her, but we have both changed so much, and it really hurts sometimes.

Secondly, you can believe what you want, but the truth is; neither Jennifer or I were after an 'out', so to speak. Im not looking to recreate my youth, or go after the one that got away. She does feel guilty about our relationship as do I. Its just that I've never felt like this before, and it's very scary! Someone responded with that fact that we haven't even seen each other, so how could I love her. That, is the lamest thing I have ever heard. Society has pushed the physical appearance to the forefront, and forced us to say," Hey just find someone hot. Then you can work on loving them." My opinion is that if you love them, what they look like is irrelevant. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that if she was 700 lbs and looked like a mud fence, I would be telling you all this. But we really got to know each other for almost 8 months before we sent photos of each other. That was just a bonus. I just don't want to come off as arrogant or malicious. I dont think Im living in a 'fantasy world' either. Thanks for listening.

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I dont think you're entitled to emotionally cheat on your wife, just bc you're "exhausted" from "working your ass off for over a decade" (and ultimately failed) to make things work with your wife.

 

If you feel so justified in your actions and feel that you have found your "soulmate" in Jennifer, why not take the route suggested by Melrich? I.e. end things first with your wife and then pursue the relationship with Jennifer?

 

If Jennifer truly loves you as you claim she does, then wouldnt she WANT you to sort things out first with your wife and your children, take ample time to deal with the emotional turmoil of getting divorced and its ramifications (like your children's resentment, for instance) before you two get fully involved and see where things go without the shameful cloud of infidelity hanging over both of you?

 

What's her take on all of this? What has she proposed that you two do?

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Jennifer and I have talked EXTENSIVELY about this, and she has told me that if it's real between us, it will wait until I get my situation handled. She has kids as well,(grown) and understands how much they mean to me. She is not trying to 'steal' me away. I want to be clear about something. Jennifer and I have not even mentioned 'getting together' or anything like that yet. I don't feel I am "entitled" to anything either. My two questions are: Does anyone believe in staying together for the kids, and who believes in the whole proposition of having a soul-mate?

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That's nice... You're saying just...oh, I know... sweep the issues under the rug. Yes sir, that's a great idea. Find something to do so that I'm to preoccupied to watch a marriage ending. I have read half a dozen books on relationship building, and even found one with my exact situation. I read it, learned several things, and the last thing was to give her the book and tell her what you found in it, and explain how it would bring the two of us back to where we were. I did that, to which I was called an * * * * * * * , and slept on the couch for a week. I just don't know what else to do. I feel like I've explored all my options.

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Does anyone believe in staying together for the kids

 

Generally not. Whilst you can "fake" happiness for a while it eventually catches up with you to the detriment of everyone inolved. Better to be happy and separate than together but miserable.

 

BUT....and it is a big BUT...no matter how sure you are that this marriage is over...be prepared for 1 or 2 very tough years if you go down the divorce path. Believe me, having been through it, nothing prepares you for what you will experience and it is no time to be starting anything new.

 

So get that sorted, you will feel much better about yourself.

 

believes in the whole proposition of having a soul-mate?

 

No. And I think being labelled a soul mate is very destructive to a relationship. It is way too much to live up to.

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Generally not. Whilst you can "fake" happiness for a while it eventually catches up with you to the detriment of everyone inolved. Better to be happy and separate than together but miserable.

 

BUT....and it is a big BUT...no matter how sure you are that this marriage is over...be prepared for 1 or 2 very tough years if you go down the divorce path. Believe me, having been through it, nothing prepares you for what you will experience and it is no time to be starting anything new.

 

So get that sorted, you will feel much better about yourself.

 

 

 

No. And I think being labelled a soul mate is very destructive to a relationship. It is way too much to live up to.

 

Ditto to what Melrich said above.

I too dont believe in "soulmates," nor do I believe in staying together for the kids.

 

What I do believe in, however, is being respectful of your family's feelings, including your wife's.

 

Yes, I understand that you're in the "talking" stage with Jennifer, but still, I would think it disrespectful (either as a wife or as a child) if my husband/father discussed leaving the family unit and making future plans with another woman BEFORE he sorted things out with his family.

 

 

 

She is not trying to 'steal' me away.

 

While this may be true, it may not be how your kids view the whole situation. Plus, if Jennifer lives 3000 miles away, someone's going to relocate. Could be you, could be her, but taking time to sort all of this out with Jennifer will invariably "steal you away" from time you could have spent with your children.

 

Have you made up your mind about the possibility of a divorce/separation?

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That's nice... You're saying just...oh, I know... sweep the issues under the rug. Yes sir, that's a great idea. Find something to do so that I'm to preoccupied to watch a marriage ending. I have read half a dozen books on relationship building, and even found one with my exact situation. I read it, learned several things, and the last thing was to give her the book and tell her what you found in it, and explain how it would bring the two of us back to where we were. I did that, to which I was called an * * * * * * * , and slept on the couch for a week. I just don't know what else to do. I feel like I've explored all my options.

 

Alright then.. cheat on your wife.

 

Spend time talking sweet nothings to Jennifer and indulging in your fantasies about how life could be together. Tell her how much you love her. Tell her how gorgeous she is. Talk her into organising meetings with you. Hide all of this from your wife. Betray your wife, risk destroying your kids perception of who their father is. Risk your kids' sense of stability in life. Go for it.. it'll make you happy.

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