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Am I being taken for a ride?


yelwed

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I have been chatting to a guy online for the past 7 months who lives about 600kms away. We chat about 3 - 4 times a week. We have never met or chatted on the phone.

When I first started chatting to him he had a girlfriend who he lived with. I couldnt chat to someone who was already with someone so I stopped chatting to him for a while. A month later I got a msg from him saying they split up but she is still going to live there and still is today.

He is always asking me for phone sex but I just dont feel comfortable in doing that, not something that really excites me but he doesn't pressure too much.

Last week things went weird as I never heard from him, I could see he was reading my messages but he never responded. So after 7 days I said to him that I can see you are reading my messages but your are not responding, I wish you all the best and take care.

I then get a message saying why are you so mad with me, I have had a bad week at work and now you say you are never going to chat to me again. I apologised and he said that we will chat tonight and seemed fine about it. The thing is how can you tell if someone is not lieing to you. He tells me that he wants to meet me but it is so hard to trust anyone on here. He also tells me that he loves me but find that hard to believe when he has never spoken to me or met me. Has anyone else came accross this and discovered the person they have been chatting for a while isn't who they say they are? I'm just confused what to do, do I believe him. I spend so much time chatting to this guy, just don't want to waste my time if someone is lieing to me.

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Basically, this is a stranger who lives with his girlfriend (whether ex or not doesn't really matter - even if the broke up it is very recent and she still lives there which basically means he is in no position to date), and this is a stranger who wants to chat with another stranger so that he can have an orgasm without technically cheating. It's perfectly consistent with his behavior in not making a plan to meet you in person and disappearing for extended periods of time.

 

It's easy to trust people you meet through the internet because if you meet in person ASAP for 45 minutes in a public place during the day, all you have to trust is that the person will show up at the scheduled time and place. There's no real emotional investment at that early point so there's no need to "trust" as you describe trust. Then, if the person doesn't show up and lied to you about intending to show up for the 45 minute coffee meeting, you've only invested a few emails/a few phone calls and maybe an hour travel time total round trip. Sure, you can try an LDR with a stranger, as long as you're willing to invest the additional travel time.

 

Think of it this way - what would you tell your best friend to do?

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People find out allllll the time that a person they met online isn't who they said they were. Sometimes people you meet online are lovely and just exactly who they say they are. Where this guy is living with his "ex" and asking you for phone sex, I'd imagine your red flag system is accurately on alert. Don't waste any more of your time chatting with him. Maybe take a chance meeting someone closer by who you can meet in person after only a little chatting. Seven months is a long time to build up expectations and then be disappointed.

Listen to your gut insticnt....this isn't right.

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Yeah I know what you mean but they brok up in January. He always chats to me late at night too, around 9.30 which makes me think that she has gone to bed and his time to play. I'm so confused, I want to believe him but something tells me something just isn't right.

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Yeah I know what you mean but they brok up in January. He always chats to me late at night too, around 9.30 which makes me think that she has gone to bed and his time to play. I'm so confused, I want to believe him but something tells me something just isn't right.

 

Really? How do you know they broke up? How do you know he ever had a girlfriend?How do you know she is not the one chatting to you over the internet or one of his friends, or a teenage boy?

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I have a lot of experience with dating online. The practical rules for me were to meet someone local, meet them shortly after chatting instead of building up expectations (like someone mentioned). Meet in a safe public place. Also ideally it is always good to ask for pictures or even better chat on a webcam before you meet.

 

As for your question about do people misrepresent themselves - ALL THE TIME.

 

Also the people that won't answer messages/texts/calls and can only talk certain times of the day are usually the married/cheating type.

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Whether this guy is lying or not is almost moot. He's 600km away. If you want a relationship, why are you not seeking one with someone who is actually nearby and available to you to date and get to know in real life? Why have you been content to conduct a relationship via online chat with a distant stranger who thinks it's OK to emotionally cheat on his girlfriend?

 

I would suggest joining a dating site and then searching only for prospective partners who live in your area or close enough to drive there for an evening out. When someone looks like a promising candidate, don't spend all your time interacting online for weeks or months--meet in person as soon as possible, in a well-lit public place, and see if there's any chemistry in person or not.

 

I have a lot of experience (thankfully receding into the past) with being attracted to people online. I quickly learned that online attraction is absolutely no guarantee of in-person attraction. Especially since many people lie outright about themselves online, and many others pad the truth or reveal only what is most flattering about them.

 

Online chat feels very intimate sometimes, but it's a false intimacy. You don't really know this man. Get out there and meet some real ones.

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Good point, never thought of that one.

 

I think you chose not to think about it because for some reason you are prioritizing this kind of contact with a stranger (because it's safe in the sense that you never have to meet and you can just fantasize?) over being on your own. Time to examine why you have so much time to chat with a long distance stranger (or strangers since you can't be sure who is on the other end of the computer)

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It's also a red flag to me that you took it at face value that he "broke up" with this girl but is still living with her, asking you for phone sex, chatting with you once she's gone to bed.....if you're going to meet people online, you really have to trust when your gut is telling you something isn't right. In your first post, you recognize some red flags. But when you say "they broke up in January", it makes me wonder if you actually believe most of the things he tells you (whereas it seemed originally that you're wondering how all this could be right)

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Sounds like he's just after cheap thrills, ie: phone sex and on the side. Probably bored in his 'real life' relationship, can't be bothered to 'fix' whatever it is that isn't right between them and he escapes via the internet.

 

If the guy was even remotely interested in anything more and in meeting, I feel sure you would have been having telephone conversations months ago/met months ago...

 

He likely has a few cyber women helping him 'get off'....

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Is there something I can ask him to do to see if he is for real or should I just let it go. I really like the guy, but I know what you are all going to tell me, they are just words on a screen and he is probably just tagging me along which you all could be right

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Is there something I can ask him to do to see if he is for real or should I just let it go. I really like the guy, but I know what you are all going to tell me, they are just words on a screen and he is probably just tagging me along which you all could be right

 

I would tell him not to contact you unless he wants to make a time/place plan to meet at a public place during the day, within the next two weeks (unless he is out of town/on vacation then tell him within the month is ok). Once he makes the plan, tell him you'll talk a few days before to confirm unless he has to reschedule or cancel, then he should tell you ASAP. Also ask him for his home telephone number and/or his work number.

 

Well what I really would do is end contact but if you insist on staying in contact that is what I would do. Also be careful even meeting him in a public place since of course it might be his GF or her friends who show up, angry.

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Get in touch with meaning | get in ...
Get in touch with meaning | get in touch with sentences | Common English Idioms #shorts

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