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need your opinions and perspective.. what is dumper thinking?


Bestfriendgone

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Please bear with me, it's kind of a long story.

 

My ex and i have been really good friends for about ten years. About a year and a half ago, we decided to be partners and started a small business. Before our business opened, he fell in love with me and we became a couple despite my apprehensions: 1. he was 4 years younger than me. i'm now 28, he's 24. 2. We might lose our friendship if things ended up badly. 3. I didn't want to mix business with personal relationships.

 

Anyway, i fell for him too and we became a couple. He became a too good to be true boyfriend and i felt really secure and loved by him and vice versa. We had even talked about our plans for the future and he told me early on in the relationship that i was "the one" and that i was the only girl he knew that he was going to marry.

 

Anyway, about January this year, i started to feel him withdraw and distance himself. We are in a long distance relationship by the way and we see each other infrequently since the very beginning. about 3 or 4 times a month but i didn't mind it much during the beginning of the relationship because he also had his family business to attend to and it was really a stressful one.

 

We've fairly had a successful relationship without any major fights (only 2 and mostly about distance). So in April, i started to open up to him about how i felt that we weren't prioritizing each other or the relationship anymore and that i was starting to feel unhappy and miserable in the relationship. I told him that in the hopes that we would be able to make changes to our relationship for the better.

 

What i got shocked the hell out of me. He told me that he felt like he loved me like a best friend or a sister only. That his romantic feelings had died. That really broke my heart. I then texted his family to thank them for everything they have given me and for having made the relationship worth the while. I thought he broke up already with me. It was horrible.

 

Three days later, he came to talk personally and he told me that he didn't break up with me. He just wanted time and space to grow up for himself and to confirm his feelings for me because he was really confused. He wanted a "cool off" period. I asked him what a cool off is and he told me that we were still committed to each other, but that we just treat each other as friends. I asked him for a timetable and he said he didn't like deadlines because it would just pressure him.

 

I agreed because i thought, heck, what have i got to lose? It was a huge leap of faith for me because I couldn't believe a person who was so in love could just fall out of love just like that.

 

The cool off lasted for two months and in this period of time he didn't bother to contact me at all except once to send a forward. I contacted him about 4 times just to ask how he is. And he told me that he knew "this will be ok through time. if we're meant to be then we're meant to be."

 

He's a pretty immature guy when it comes to emotions by the way. He's always the type who smiles and is ok with everything as if there are no problems at all. He is also a repressive guy with a very high pride. And i was his first serious relationship. He is mine too.

 

Anyway he has told his friends and family that we will get back together (during the 2 months cool off). and that his only problem with me is that i wouldn't hang out with his friends more. This of course i wasn't able to do because he never invited me! and most of his friends were my former students so it was awkward also for me. Another issue that came up was that he was pretty insecure about himself for me. That i earned more than him. This he finally told his family about a week before the 2 month time. Previous to that he never told his friends and family anything except that we have problems and we are in a cool off period.

 

A week before the 2 month time period, i asked him to come and told him that we needed to work on our problems and meet halfway. He said ok. and we met up on that weekend.

 

We had a short lunch talking about nonsensical things and then after that he dropped the bomb. He simply said that his love for me was that like of a friend and that he didn't think trying to work on our relationship is useless. Take note, we never had any major fights. He had insecurity issues though about me earning more than him and stuff like that. But i didn't think it was that major because we knew each other since 10 years ago.

 

I was heartbroken. and we broke up. He asked me to be friends with him but of course i couldn't be friends with him. AFter that we went immediately to no contact and a week later i couldn't stand it i texted him hate texts. About how i thought he had a very low Emotional Quotient and that he runs away from problems and all that. I also told him that i felt pity for him because he didn't even know how badly he hurt me and all that. All he said was that he hoped i would forgive him someday and that he really wanted us to be friends.

 

I implemented NC straight after, and it's been 11 days so far. I don't worry that he's going to contact me because he is a coward and has always been one from the very beginning. In our 2 fights, i was the one who had to confront him. He is the type who runs away from problems. but other than that he is a good person. He also never had any major problems in his life and always had short term relationships with his previous girlfriend because everytime there was conflict, he bolts. I just didn't think he would do that to me because i have been witness to all his follies and everything for ten years.

 

Anyway after we broke up a good friend of him said that he is still confused about his feelings for me and he is going out drinking and hanging out with his friends all the time. There is no third party and he has said that if he comes back to me then i'm really the one.

 

What do i make out of this? I am trying to move on right now and i hate the thought of losing a bestfriend. I really don't know if i can be friends with him again because if he's coming back into my life i really don't want him to be a friend. He's either my boyfriend or he's not in my life.

 

Any opinions/perspectives?

 

It still hurts, but i just have to deal with it because it's reality. I just need to get this out of my system and hear from other people's points of view.

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I definitely can sympathize, I have been going through similar situation. Albeit, its a bit more drawn out and ridicules. My ex wants to be friends with me as well but I just cant cross that bridge. I couldn't be witness to her single life and inevitable relationships, I would breakdown.

I think the best we can do is try to move on and build a life without them. Hopefully they find what they are looking for and if, by chance, they do come back someday hopefully something beautiful can be created again.

 

Good luck and keep your chin up

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This hurts so bad.

 

Someday seems like a long way off.

 

We're going to close our business in September. After two years of a successful run.

 

I just can't understand how he could just easily let go of me and our past just like that. Everyone thought we were meant for each other. How could he just delete me from his life?!?!?!

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I hear you, its amazing how the people we loved so much can just move on. What happened to all the promises, all the love, and all the caring. I went from living together, talking everyday, falling asleep together every night to getting no phone calls, no emails, no acknowledgment that I exist.

Hang in there and take care of yourself. Focus on your needs and do your best to let him go...I will try to do the same.

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Try ur best to move on...no sense in waiting around...esp when a guy is wishy washy w feelings...one moment i like u...next i only like u as friends? My friend went through that BS for 6 years! Guy kept changing his mind and now they broken up for good....get rid of him and find someone that really likes u

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It's not just men I'm afraid, as I've been on the tail-end of something similar with a woman playing the "love you like a brother now" card.

 

It's partly an emotional immaturity on their part (not being able to cope with the end of the honeymoon period; desire for the romance and butterflies), but mostly we just have to accept that they don't find us attractive in a romantic sense anymore, and often that will be because both parties have changed and grown romantically distant to a point of no return.

 

Give him and, more importantly, yourself sometime apart. He's only 24, and you say it's both your first serious relationships. Go do your own thing, let him do his. It's a cliche because it's true, time heals all and what is meant to be will be.

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Thanks, i am going to do that. I know that i should really just let go and not keep on wondering about what's going on in his head. How could one person just go from being in love to out of love without any warning? Yes it is emotional immaturity on his part because he chose to give up without trying to work on it.

 

It's just hard. i'm taking it one day at a time now. And it's so difficult.

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Worrying and double-guessing what's going on in their head, or what they're up to or who're they're with is very natural given that previously that was information that was freely given to us all the time. In fact, they probably feel similarly about us, if only out of idle curiosity rather than any need to know.

 

But what I've found is, the more I fill my days with stuff to do and occupy the mind, the less time I have to do this worrying. I find reading or physical activity better at this than say watching TV or films because my mind wanders more easily, but you just need to find something to bury yourself in.

 

Of course, thoughts and worries still creep in, especially at night before sleep or when I wake up, but I've found after nearly two months these thoughts get less and less.

 

You will get through this, break ups are just one of the many *****y things life has in store for us!

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I'm so sorry. Do not waste any more time on this one. He has actually been very honest with you about his feelings and intentions, so you can be thankful for that. This is one of those classic cases of "he's just not that into you". You have the choice of pursuing him and wasting your time and getting frustrated, or you can keep looking until you find someone who loves you and wants to give you a commitment.

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I think it is more than a typical movie and book slogan.

I never read the book or saw the movie, but that is the bottom line. To an outsider who knows very little about your reationship with this man, it does seem obvious that he is not as interested in your togetherness as you are. He said so in plain language. That's really kind of him to not string you along, so that you don't have to waste any more time pursuing someone who isn't as committed as you are.

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I am not worried about my broken relationship, I know what happened, it stings but I am moving on through NC. However, I thought I would share my story so that lostmybest would see that some patterns in people, both in men and women run deep within this game.

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I think he is just too ignorant and immature to identify that relationships are not all in the honeymoon phase all the time. Just because i said i was starting to get unhappy, his immediate reaction was to bolt?!?!? if i hadn't said i was unhappy, would he have told me how he felt at all?

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I am not worried about my broken relationship, I know what happened, it stings but I am moving on through NC. However, I thought I would share my story so that lostmybest would see that some patterns in people, both in men and women run deep within this game.

 

 

please do share your story.

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I think he is just too ignorant and immature to identify that relationships are not all in the honeymoon phase all the time. Just because i said i was starting to get unhappy, his immediate reaction was to bolt?!?!? if i hadn't said i was unhappy, would he have told me how he felt at all?

 

I sent you a message. And it seems like he is in the idea of honeymoon love, not real true love.

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yes. he seems like he's in the honeymoon phase. but will he ever realize that there's more to a relationship than the honeymoon phase? and when will he ever realize that? he's really really immature in relationships. i have been witness to his previous short term relationships with other girls as we were best friends for 8 years!

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we also never had any major fights. our relationship was pretty smooth. this was actually the major fight and it wasn't really a fight. just my expressing that i needed more effort from him in the relationship. and i think maybe i hurt his ego and pride.

 

i can't believe that he doesn't have any feelings for me at all because his family told me that he handled the first week badly as in he wasn't his usual smiling and joking self. he was so quiet and depressed.

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i feel your pain right now my best friend/boyfriend/fiance broke up with me out of the blue to test the waters. i'm completely devastated and go from moods of ... there's better out there and i don't deserve this to completely losing it for hours at a time. it helps me a least a lil bit to know there are others going through this.

 

i have no idea how ppl can love you and be happy one minute and then not want you anymore. i think it's a problem with them than us. obviously they have emotional instability.

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Perhaps this is another case of Grass is Greener Syndrome?

 

He did tell his friends that he's really confused right now and that if he comes back to me then by then he'll be sure i'm really the one.

 

Sigh.

 

Day 15 of No Contact for me right now, Broken up for nearly 3 months now.

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If he is, great! The thing is that you can't let those friends tell you what he is doing. No contact does mean no contact and trust me, it just makes you feel much much worse to know about his whereabouts. It can either crush you or give you false hope.

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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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